I'm sick of this, what shall I do?

[Detoxeverything]

I'm a regular mumsnetter but have namechanged.

I want to get some clarity around how I am feeling.
I constantly feel on edge around my dh and feel as though I'm trying to make sure he doesn't get in a bad mood. It really bugs me.

He's very opinionated and vocal and always has something to say about everything!
Most things are 'shit' 'grim' blah blah blah.
I'd much rather try and look on the positive side of life. I hate confrontation and have history of anxiety and depression.

What do I do? I feel hopeless at the moment.

Left my miserable git. There was no keeping him out of a bad mood when he was determined to have one. There were more Ishoos going on of course, lots more, but one of the things I'm happiest to be rid of is that relentless negativity. It was like he carried his own personal storm cloud around, casting a shade on everything. And of course if I disagreed, it was because I was "trying to start an argument".

I don't mean you should necessarily leave yours but it worked for me.

thanks Annie. I have definitely thought about leaving but not sure it's the right thing to do.
We've got 2 dc's under 3 so want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

The thing is, he can be good fun and is a great dad. Just a big stress head and a negative sod. Struggling to decide what's right.

This totally might not apply to your situation, as there might be a whole lot more going on...

But I know if our house I am the opinionated one. Left to my own devices I always argue with the radio and have a view on everything. I get it from my dad. I didn't think it was an issue till I worked out that it actually bothered my husband and put him on edge. To me I was just happily arguing with the radio and not in a bad mood. So now I put a lid on it. So it could be he doesn't realise?

However, if you have told him once and he is still doing it then once is plenty and he should respect that. It is not OK to make the person you live with feel on edge and worried of putting the other in a bad mood.

I think being opinionated is not the issue but being negative is. Living with a negative person is very hard and it effects your quality of life and your own mental health. Be very careful because you can end up giving up on happiness and fun.

If you don't want to leave him do you think he would agree to try cognitive therapy? I've heard from many people that it helps.

Alice it's interesting what you say about arguing with the radio . There is a lot of that kind of thing going on but it's as if he has no stop button and just goes on and on. I just say very little cos I can't be arsed!

I think he enjoys having these kind of moans and opinions but it sets me on edge.

Laquitar I think it is having an effect on me. I feel like I want to have time alone a lot because he exhausts me with his constant opinions and negativity.

I dream of being on my own for a week.

Detox my xh was like that.

He was always very vocal about what he didnt like , didnt want to do , didnt think well of but rarely forthcoming on the opposite. Like you would never hear him say "Wouldnt it be great to do xyz". Also he was scornful at things other people were excited about and very judgey ie Eastenders was utter shit but football absolutely fine.

He left me actually so I cant say I ever thought about splitting up over it but now we have I can see how his toxicity pervaded almost all areas of my life and as Annie says its wonderful to be free of his dark cloud.

Is there a book to read on this kind of thing like toxic dh or something along those lines? May help me get my head together on this.

Gettingeasier thanks for replying your xh does sound a lot like mine. He's very judgey about tv. So I don't watch any 'crap' now cos he just goes on and on about it and I can't hear the tv anyway .
We've just been for a walk and there was a lot of judgey comments like 'I hate that cafe - what's it about, it's totally pointless' I just said 'that's a funny description for a cafe? It's just a cafe'. He then went on about the bleeding cafe. I just want to say 'shut up'!

Being opinionated is not a problem so long as you can accept that other people have, and are entitled to, opinions that may not necessarily be the same as yours. What concerns me about your post is that you're on edge around him. Do you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells?

Btw wrt books, there are books available on toxic relationships. Look on Amazon.

I sort of understand re EE but I do empathise re the general miserable-ness and negativity. It's very wearing and does undermine the nicest of occasions.

I'm much more the sort who can find happiness in the simplest of things, (esp birds, Nature, etc) and I try to pass this on to kids and grand kids.

Have you asked H if he realises how he sounds? Maybe it's a habit he's fallen into and is auto pilot?
Worth a try if you like and love him.

Sorry I've not been able to get on to mumsnet since yesterday morning so have just read the message from earthymama.

I am finding having to listen to him very wearing. I've told him in the past and he seems a little calmer but I guess I can't expect him to change his personality can I?

The other point is that in other ways he is really great. Cooking tea, cleaning, ironing, enjoys spending time with us and the family but the problem is that I am walking on egg shells.

I'm gonna have to do something because it's really getting me down.

What would make someone be so critical about stuff? I just don't get it?

He could be suffering with depression too.

Sorry, don't have any helpful suggestions, but my DH has these tendencies too.

I've more-or-less accepted the way he is, but do call him out on it or just engineer a way out of the conversation/room when he starts. Or I ignore him and read Mumsnet on the laptop.

In my DH's case I think it's the way he was brought up, because his whole family is like it...they do my head in when they all get together.

Am also trying not to pass it on to DD, who so far seems to be a sunny happy little thing. I was brought up to "smell the roses" and try to see the good in people rather than believe the Daily Mail the bad.

By the way, I would be shouting Shut the F up, you miserable git if it went on and on.
I don't think you are wrong in being upset. I wonder if CBT or NLP would help? But it's not your role to out it right, your H must come to realise how hard to live with this negativity is.
You must put your mental health and happiness first for the sake of your family.

Record him when he is on one of his rants. Play it back and shame him.

perfumedlife good idea - did that with DD when she had a (toddler) tantrum, worked a treat.

If he is behaving like a kid, treat him like one!

Might try that with my DH too...

My dh has these tendencies (your first post was so familiar!) but I've come to understand that they do relate to underlying issues, so when he is stressed or worried he becomes more of an irritating arse

He's also now aware of being that way (we've argued talked about it a lot) and doesn't like how he is, which is a big step.

I really wish I had a mute button for him sometimes but have to remind myself thst if I am stressed, he stands by me and I have to do the same for him and coax him out of the ranting mode.

Would also be interested in any books out there as being a man, he will not talk to the gp about stress etc

Hi Detox - there seem to be a lot of men like this around. I think you have to realise that you can't change his behaviour but you can change yours in the relationship dynamic.

What I mean is that our lives are a bit like a play with a script and each partner knows their part and plays it out. We may not always be conscious of this but it is a fact. Your dh knows that he can get away with being a stroppy, and he will also know you are always checking to see what his mood is. Again he may not know this at a conscious level but he will at some deeper subconscious level. We are all like this.

A can only behave like he does because B lets him, and if you do what you've always done you will get what you've always got.

SO - if you are up for testing out what I am saying, just make one very small change - I don;t know your script but you do. You may have to act the part as it will be hard for you to change the way you have always been.

I was a sw for 30 years and worked with a woman in your position. She said that if he lost something he went up the wall, moving all the furniture and generally making everyone uncomfortable. I asked what she did and she said she got anxious and started helping to look, with him getting more and more shouty etc. I advised her not to do anything the next time it happened, just sit with a book (she used a gardening book with a note inside saying "Don't do anything) she was too anxious to read the book.

We had a good laugh the next time this happened because she said he was completely nonplussed about why she wasn't playing her usual part and kept saying to her "I've lost xxx and don't know where it is" and she replied "Hmm and held on to the gardening book, while he got more and more shouty. Eventually he challenged her about why she was reading instead of helping him and she said "you can look on your own, I'm not stopping you" (she said took a lot of courage) but she said the most telling thing was his confusion when she didn't play her part. She said he stood in the middle of the room looking like a "little boy lost" - not sure how things worked out because I had to close the case.

Sorry this is so long but thought it might be worth a try - just one small thing to begin with - may make things worse not better but would help you to see how the dynamic of our r/ships get set in stone and sometimes the concrete has to be dug up!

Thanks all for taking the time to post on this thread. There's some really interesting advice.

I'm genuinely interested in changing the script and I think I need to take sometime to think about it and work out what I do. He does remind me of when I was growing up and was constantly on egg shells then trying to avoid my parents getting annoyed blah blah.

I can't believe I've got myself into this position where I feel like I can't breath and don't want to be here but have two dc's and want them to have the best up bringing possible.

I do question whether I'm too sensitive as well though. I am definitely not thick skinned and have to work on being strong so sometimes I think maybe I'm over reacting.

Oh bloody hell - not sure if I'm making sense here

Earthymama I agree, I need to put my mental health first and I've realised his behaviour is doing me no good at the moment. I feel irritable and tired and a bit short with the dc's.

He's admitted to me that he likes to be controversial and enjoys being a malcontent.

The thing is I don't enjoy it and wish I didn't have to put up with it.

Really interesting.

If I ask DP how he is the answer is invariably "So-so" in a north-yorkshire-misery voice (sorry Yorks people) with a big sigh. We do have quite difficult circs for various reasons, but he just doesn't get that this is basically what you say when someone's, you know, deed. I've now explained, and he's kind of trying, but he doesn't really acknowledge that we all have a limited duty to be a bit cheerful and not infect others with our mood.

He just has a misery default. I do too, a bit, and to be honest the only reason I've stopped being honest to the 'how are you?' question is because DP has shown me how fucking alienating an honest answer is.

We both enjoy shouting at the radio etc - but I am really making an effort to be default cheerful.

That's the thing Onebat I could quite easily moan about lots of things if I chose to but what's the point?

He's really critical as well.

Maybe I should try to be as miserable and as critical as him and see whether he suddenly becomes all boingy and positive.

I feel like I have to justify everything to him. It's driving me mad even writing this aaaargh!

Your post sounded just like my DP at times, well a lot of the time lately. He is also very opinionated and will argue black is white - I can guarantee that any position I take on any subject, he'll take the opposite and go on and on about his point of view. He sees it as a lively debate, I see it as trying to shout down everyone else's point of view.

I've had to do as others here have said and just walk away when he really gets into a negative strop about things. I've told him I really don't like it, particularly when he's going on about how crap the whole world is in front of my kids, as I try to bring them up to see the positive things in the world.

He is going through a stressful time just now, but then he'll constantly tell us that he's a miserable sod, always has been and likes being that way, as if he's proud of it. It's a take on the world that I really don't understand, and I sympathise with you as I know exactly how draining it can be.

Thanks for the sympathy Tattie, sympathy from me to you too

He's just come downstairs and moaned at me for not turning the DVD player off.

I think I may start a blog so that I can look back at all the crap I've had to put up with.

My dad was like this. Like people have said here, like a permanent cloud hanging around. It was constant, we never even knew what it was about, work, marriage, etc. It really affected us, myself and my two sisters. My mum, though it would cause frequent arguments between them, always defended him, saying, 'oh, he's just having a stressful time at work', or 'don't take it to heart, its nothing to do with you kids'. But when someone at home is in a constant bad mood, you get conditioned into thinking that it may actually be your fault, even as a child.

Even now, if my OH is in a bad mood, I feel it might be my fault and I can somehow make it better. Even though my OH is nothing like my dad and is generally a lovely bubbly individual. I think the way my dad was, still is, had a terrible impact on my childhood and self-esteem. Even now, at the age of 26, a grown adult who doesn't care as much what her dad thinks, if his face drops into that telltale moody expression, my heart sinks. Just wanted to give a POV from the childs perspective, maybe like your children may go on to feel.

Thanks Rev for the children's perspective, I was constantly criticised as a child and am still scared of having a strong opinion or confrontation.

Well, last night dh kept coming downstairs whilst I was on the computer (I had decided to stay on the computer despite the fact that he always fusses about it. He was telling me that I should come off the computer because I would struggle to sleep. For some reason, instead of it sounding like he's concerned, he sounds like someone who doesn't want his wife on the internet

Eventually, I went to bed and he started to question when I was going to do the ironing. I said I didn't know because I hadn't had time. He then shouts at me saying I should have done it yesterday. Then this descended into him saying I don't appreciate anything and that he wants time off. This always happens but the thing is I'm always supportive of him having some time out (we have 2 young dc's so quite hard work) and he goes out every Thursday straight from work. He is also studying at the same time as working and I give him lots of time to research.

I ended up telling him I had had enough, that he never stops going on at me and I'm sick of it. I said that I didn't want to be in this relationship because he is always bullying me. He said not to be ridiculous and that calling him a bully was offensive.

He went to bed, I went up after and slept. Got up this morning and he has been really nice as if nothing has happened.