I'm sick of this, what shall I do?

[Detoxeverything]

I'm a regular mumsnetter but have namechanged.

I want to get some clarity around how I am feeling.
I constantly feel on edge around my dh and feel as though I'm trying to make sure he doesn't get in a bad mood. It really bugs me.

He's very opinionated and vocal and always has something to say about everything!
Most things are 'shit' 'grim' blah blah blah.
I'd much rather try and look on the positive side of life. I hate confrontation and have history of anxiety and depression.

What do I do? I feel hopeless at the moment.

Sorry for the waffle but just getting it down in writing helps

My DP is a bit like you sound aliceworld. He is fundamentally a joyful, optimistic person, but he doesn't half do a lot of whinging.

He's always yelling at the radio.
I started to jump up when I could hear him coming and put it onto one of "his" stations, then I thought, that's no way to live. So I leave it as I like it, and when I get sick of him I say "Well turn it over then." When I said to him once, "well do you expect me to jump up when I hear your approaching footsteps and quickly turn it over in case you get annoyed?" he was horrified that I would even think of doing that.

If I'm in a less talkative mood I just say "It's got buttons on it - press them!" the second he starts.

He's the same with the TV - we end up watching QVC because nothing else is good enough for him. I've started to say "well I'm going to give it a try, if it's rubbish it's not the end of the world." He does feel guilty when he spoils things for me by ranting at them, he did it the other day with Episodes. I TOLD him it's OK but not as good as it could be, but that didn't head off the 30 minute rant. I say to him "What CAN we watch then?" He realises that if he's so sensitive he won't try anything, we'll miss things that we could be really enjoying. Would you believe it, we watch Married to Rock and Jerseylicious :) for some reason those don't annoy him to bits.

Don't really have any advice OP other than, speak up for yourself. It feels like the easy option to keep quiet but that's how you end up on eggshells.

Sorry detox x-posted with your last one. Sounds as though the shouting at the radio in your case is part of bullying, which in my case it isn't. Try telling him you feel as though you can't watch anything on TV because he rants at it. If he isn't bullying you he should be shocked that's how you feel.

Sticky I've told him and he just says 'I'm being ridiculous and melodramatic' . Is it bullying or am I over reacting?

Honestly, I don't think this is about your DH , I think it's you.

Sorry that sounds harsh, but you've allowed him to strop and rant and do all those things for so long, whilst you tiptoe around him on eggshells, he probably doesn't even know you have an opinion. How about just saying;'shut the fuck up and stop being a whingy bastard, it's driving you mad.' OK - you don't need to use that language - but if you don't tell him how it makes you feel, how is he supposed to know? If his family have always been like that, he thinks it's normal and he's not psychic.

I am sure that there are lots of things wrong with your DH, but there are lots of things wrong with all of us, and in a relationship you have to try and sort out the things you can put up with and the things you can't.

One thing I am scared of, is that you'll just leave the marriage without even trying to fix it, because the thought of any confrontation, of stating your needs and making your welfare as important as everyone elses, is so terrifying to you. If that's what you want to do, then that's your choice - but you'll probably just get into the same relationship again, you know. We all need to assert ourselves eventually. And if you DH is a good man and you have kids together then it's got to be worth a try.

There are loads of good books out there - have a look at your library first and browse through them. Maybe somebody can recommend one. A counsellor would be a good option - but obviously more expensive.

Ah, just seen your last post detox, that's not good.

When you say you've told him - have you made it clear? I'm just asking whether or not you got all your courage together once and mumbled something quietly - or if you stood up and told him that you just can't bear it and it is making you question whether you can spend your life with someone so miserable? You are allowed to say how you feel, you know. It's your life we're talking about here.

You could get a star chart add a star to the chart EVERY time he says something negative or depressing and tot it up for the day or week. I did a similar thing with my DS, because he was always complaining and it really shocked him and has helped.

Ultimately though, if you have made how you feel about it really clear and he still doesn't care enough to do anything about it, you either have to put up or leave.

I think you need to tell him very clearly what you are feeling in general, not related to a specific event.

My dh has told me every now and then that I have a habit of being critical of people, you know if you've had a night out with friends he says I get in the car and start to pull them apart. I was shocked the first time he said it, I realised that he was right I do sometimes do that and just hadn't realised how horrible it is. I've noticed that my Mum does this, so perhaps it's a habit I've picked up.

Anyway I try hard not to do it now partly because he hates it and partly because it's really not very nice. It's not like I don't like the people I'm talking about. However every few years he has to remind me.

Perhaps your dh really doesn't realise just how miserable he's making you and would be upset if he understood. I don't think the argument you had last night was enough to make him realise as he'd just think you were saying it to defend your position. Perhaps you need to sit him down and tell him calmly just what you said in your first post and that it has gone to far as to make you wonder about splitting.

I hope it gets sorted out.

1234 - I agree. My Mum never complimented anyone on their appearance (especially not me!), and I realised in my twenties that I never did either. Even if I loved somebody's dress, or they looked amazing, I would think it, but never say anything.

Then in my twenties, I had a lovely colleague who always made me feel great by making very nice, thoughtful compliments and for some reason I took that on board. It's lovely seeing people smile when you give them a genuine compliment and if I think something nice about someone now, I always make an effort to tell them. You can change your behaviour, but you need to recognise it first and then want to change.

perfumedlife Mon 31-Jan-11 22:42:16
Record him when he is on one of his rants. Play it back and shame him.

was going to suggest the same
as i did it to an ex.... good fun :-)
Also I used to say,yes Grumpy, how is Grupmy today very well I can see... it was like a code and he would know time to cut the crap

Hi detox well done for staying on the computer (you changed the script cus presumably you would have usually just switched off) and for telling your H how his behaviour makes you feel. Don't think posters should be asking "did you really tell him or just mumble" etc. It was a big deal for you to say something critical to him and you did it in your own way, no doubt after getting support from the thread.

Belleb talks about it being your fault for putting up with it and is afraid you willleave the marriage - it doesn't sound like you will to me.

One of the most interesting things you said is that you were always afraid of your parent's arguments as a child. We all take withus into our adult lifes the experiences of childhood, especially in relation to scarey or confusing things. In our adult lifes we re-enact our childhood worries and anxieties. So the chances are you would be worrying about your H even if he was not controlling, but he is, so it makes it even worse.

What about his childhood - what has been dragged from his c.hood experiences into his adult life. I would guess he had a controlling parent (usually a father) and was maybe overly criticised, and this has left him with low self esteem. This is also true for you but we all react differently and there is usually a distinct difference between men and women. You have "chosen" (not consciously of course) to be submissive and your H has "chosen" to be controlling because he maybe felt that his views were never acknowledged or he was never "heard" as a child - in short he was a nobody. I'mguessing here, but it will be something like that otherwise he would not be acting the way he is. I think he probably doesn't actually realise how controlling he is and how unhappy you are.

So in a way you are a lethal combination! You really need some good therapy to unravel what happened in your c.hoods and how it has made you the people you are today. Behaviour is always a product of experience.

Your H will scoff probably at the notion of therapy because deep deep down he is scared, emotionally immature and has to act like he does to prove himself (again not consciously) BUT I honestly think this is the only way forward.

Do you know about his c.hood - can you talk about it with him, and about yours, and see where you get and in the fullness of time he may agree to therapy. Carry on changing the script in small ways and note his behaviour - it will be interesting. Last night he decided to keep coming down but sounds like he gave up in the end. Keep it up - it may be the start of the change.

Thanks very much for the posts they are all so useful and thought provoking.

I didn't mumble I was quite clear and said it several times. He just cannot see what he is doing to me.
I get the impression that he is emotionally immature in a lot of ways.

Yes, I have got a controlling father who wouldn't let me make decisions and I chose to try and please them both by doing whatever they wanted me to. Of course they were never happy with me (or if they were/are they haven't said it)

Dh doesn't talk about his childhood much really - his dm is controlling I think, she's a massive fuss pot and just get's worried about stuff. His df is quite a pleasant man who has been bossed about by his dw. He seems to do whatever she says.

I have to say though, that I get on well with them and she has never been controlling with me or kids.

We are a lethal combination and I cannot stand it.

Just spoken to DH on the phone and told him I meant everything I said last night and that I can't stand how he speaks to me. That I find his behaviour bullying and that we need to do something to try to sort this out whether that is counselling or something else.

I said that I wasn't going to allow this to be forgotten because it's a cycle and I'm sick and tired of it.

He just said he heard what I was saying and we can discuss it (didn't say when but I guess it's a start)

Writing it all down is helping me to keep a record otherwise I just forget.

Well done detox - you are making incredible progress with your problem. So it was his mother who was controlling- I would try to get him to talk about his c.hood and how he felt about his parents. Thing is though that many people who have had parents who were conrolling/overly critical etc say their c.hood was "normal" and can't really remember the bits when they were scared or confused.

Go for the discussions between the two of you and build on the courage you have found to start to do something about it. He will probably try to close the discussion down as most men would rather walk over broken glass than discuss their feelings. Suppose you could issue an ultimatum that either you have counselling or the marriage is in deep trouble.

I only meant you were a lethal combination because he is controlling and you had a controlling father and so learned in your c.hood to tiptoe around controlling men. Had your c.hood experiences been different you may not have tolerated this kind of behaviour for so long.

Don't forget to change the script whenever you can. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got and you can't change him, so you have to change you and the way you react to him.

Well done Detox.

I didn't say any of this was your fault, Detox, so apologies if it came across that way. Just for the record, I don't think that at all. I think it's your problem to deal with - which is slightly different. Your husband seems blissfully unaware of what he's doing or it's effect - so I think it has to be up to you to take a stand and make it clear to him.

Hope you have a good discussion - how about this evening? Why wait for him to initiate it, tell him you need to talk about it, it upsets you, so it's important.

Well done for confronting him about this and not letting it go. I hope he will listen to what you have to say and make changes.

Detox, wish I'd seen this yesterday. The way he is treating you in not OK. It is not just how relationships are. It is not your fault.

I stopped ranting at the radio because I could tell it was bothering my husband. He did not have to say it loudly and clearly to me. He did not have to say it several times and make sure I was clear on it.

It sounds like there are more problems here, and you have done great in tackling it with him.

Do you ever get time off?

Well done Detox in saying that to him on the phone. Don't let it go now that you've started it. If he doesn't want to discuss it with you, that doesn't stop you changing your behaviour with him and being very clear if he ever talks to you in a way you don't like.

Yes it would be good to sit down and talk about it but if that doesn't happen there's nothing like a good dose of the new reality in action.

thanks to all responding. It's really helping me to think more clearly.
I'm really busy today so won't be able to get on much but will try to get on later.

Hi all.

I've not been able to get on to MN since yesterday cos of loads going on.

Dh has just gone out with DS so I'm taking the opportunity to respond to some of the messages.

My parents have been staying for a few days but have gone back now and DH has been out two nights running and so we haven't spoken about the issues. I am going to talk to him tonight when the DC's have gone to bed.

He's been very nice today as he usually is after I've told him I'm pissed off, I feel so comfortable when he's like this to a certain extent and of course pleased that he's being nice but I also just think 'how long will it be until it turns again?'

NanaNina I'm going to try and talk a bit more about his childhood tonight. I know he has suffered with his DM's controlling behaviour as a child but probably cannot see that he is doing it too.
We had very different upbringings in some ways because his parents are so routine based and reliable (if you say come to ours for 2pm, they arrive at exactly that)
My mum and dad don't even say the time they're arriving, just the date [hmm.

You are very correct about tiptoeing around controlling men. I've had an incident this morning with my DF as he started on about his opinion on a subject and I stood my ground but I have to say I find it exhausting and hate that I have to raise my voice to get my point across. I find it aggressive and unpalatable. I believe that people should listen and respect each other and not shout you down.

Sorry about so much info and don't blame anyone if they can't get through it, it's just great therapy for me

Belle I understand what you're saying in terms of it being my problem because I am the one who is unhappy with the behaviour and not DH. . I find it all such hard work and exhausting and frankly unneccessary but maybe that's something I need to work on.

Alice You asked do I ever get time off and I do but I find it really hard to do it. DH goes out every Thursday straight from work and comes home after I've gone to bed. I'm not bothered - this is fine with me. I think it's good to get out and I don't mind putting the DC's to bed.
However, DH is really moany if I do it. Ok, sometimes he will say of course go out but then at some random time in the future he'll go mad about it so I am always on eggshells about that .
I was doing running a couple of years ago and although I wanted to go out a few times a week (only for 30 mins) DH kicked up a fuss and so I only did it once. However, soon after, DH decided to take up running and so he made sure that he ran 3 times a week and I was also 'allowed' too.

Sorry again for waffling.....[smiling]

Sorry meant to say not [smiling]

Detox your DH is trying to control you and is very selfish. You have to get off the computer when he says so (dressed up as concern for your tiredness), the ironing when he says so, go out only with his approval or you pay for it afterwards...yet he goes out for a minimum whole night a week! That is just unfair.

It is great that you have started to unpick this, and my advice would be that a regular night out a week (or run, or whatever it is you enjoy) is essential to proving to your husband AND yourself that you have autonomy over yourself and the right to time away from the home and family. Even if you found it hard to do at first, I think it would be so good for you and would give you more confidence and perspective in your relationship.

And this he "kicked up a fuss so I didn't do it again" is where YOU need to work on yourself. So he kicked up a fuss - did you tell him to get over himself and laugh at his toddler tantrum, or did you give in to it and reward the behaviour? You proved to him that his childish method of getting his own way works...but I bet you don;t let your actual kids get away with that! He is not the boss of you and you BOTH need to respect that, starting with you believing it

Well, we had a talk last night.
I asked dh what his thoughts were on what I had said to him on the phone (that the way he spoke to me needed to be sorted).

He said that he had thought about his behaviour and realised he was in the wrong. He said he was really stressed but had resolved the issue now and would manage his anger.
I told him it was unacceptable and I wasn't going to tolerate it again and that he needed to look at ways of managing how he felt.
I also said that it was important for me to go out and meet friends/exercise. He said that he didn't mind how many times I went out. I told him this wasn't true because he always made me feel like it was inconvenient for him and that I was being unreasonable by going out. He said he didn't.
I told him that his behaviour could be controlling and that it was unacceptable. I said that although we were married, we were still individuals with different wants and needs.

We will see what happens from now but I am still very

ProvincialLady thanks so much for your input. Really useful stuff.

In answer to your question 'Did I give into him, when he made a fuss about going out?'.
My answer is yes, I did give into him for a quiet life - doh. I am realising what a fool I am.

And....even more scary, I'm turning into my mother . My Dm lets my DF make all the decisions and she just goes along with it.

Oh know, I've married my father

I seriously need to get this sorted.