I'm sick of this, what shall I do?

[Detoxeverything]

I'm a regular mumsnetter but have namechanged.

I want to get some clarity around how I am feeling.
I constantly feel on edge around my dh and feel as though I'm trying to make sure he doesn't get in a bad mood. It really bugs me.

He's very opinionated and vocal and always has something to say about everything!
Most things are 'shit' 'grim' blah blah blah.
I'd much rather try and look on the positive side of life. I hate confrontation and have history of anxiety and depression.

What do I do? I feel hopeless at the moment.

I left mine too, sick if walking on eggshells. It's been almost a year, and it was the best thing I've ever done

Well done Cheerful I'm glad you're happy. Are you seeing comparisons in my DH and your X?

I'm being quite hard with DH today but not sure if I'm being unreasonable

Wow you're doing really well! Realising so quickly where the problems are and what has caused them.

I think you are right in that yours and your DHs marraige is emulating your parents. That happens so much doesn't it!

I have a little experience of that and found that working on my self esteem, assertiveness and starting to believe that I had the right to do the things I wanted to do and make my own decisions changed everything. I had a lot of counselling which was brilliant. You don't always notice the difference straight away but counselling gets the ball rolling.

Good luck!

I'm still trying my best to get a balance in my life but I feel really resentful towards DH for his attitude towards me in the past.

I think he's really unreasonable at times but other times he's ok but I am just waiting for an explosion sooner or later.

I'm not sure I'm destined to be in a relationship - this just seems so hard and I don't know how long I should give it.

I'm not sure whether my expectations are too high or too low. I feel a mess really. Just want to get my life sorted - life's too short

monkey thanks for your positive words, maybe I need to go to counselling.

So, he is naturally negative and you are naturally positive. This is probably one of the things about you that attracted him. Why don't you stay positive and keep it at banter level?

I try to keep it at banter level but he's wearing me down. Trying to be positive when someone is moaning is hard work.

Sometimes it's not him being negative it's just him having a go at me about cleaning

I'm in this situation too and a lot of this has felt as if it's my situation you are all describing. The part about how the children might internalize this has made me stop and think. I'm skint at the mo but when my youngest starts school this September am going to sort things out and ask for separation - I'm just So tired of hearing about how crap life is, and even, the other day, how he wished he had terminal cancer (spectacularly crass given both my mum and his dad have died of the big c.) I'm not unsympathetic - suffer from depression myself & seek out treatment when it returns so know what it's like... But he will never try to get help, says that he's right to be so gloomy, no sex etc etc. I am holding on for a bit but then his time will run out ... As you can probably tell his whole attitude has created a real distance between us. Am hoping that will help if I decide we have to split up - not a situation I want but am trying to be grown up ....

Judge have you tried to talk to him about it? If so what has he said? Why does he wish he had terminal cancer that's so insensitive and a concern. Was it a joke (a sick one) or what?

I'm not sure that my DH is depressed - he's just very critical about people and thinks he's superior intellectually than most.

He is very well read, knowledgeable etc and has a chip on his shoulder because he thinks he should be an academic. I listen to all this but he still seems to complain.

There is something missing with him - lack of flexibility or empathy or something. Finding it really difficult to understand him

I think mine is depressed ... he gets in a real state - not drinking or drugs or anything, has an ok job, but has not achieved what he would like to have done, he is clever but a combination of lack of direction and critical parents meant he did not push things. So ... he is this typical male mid life crisis situation now, not where he wants to be workwise and so on, and has got really down so that everything is black - no light at the end of the tunnel for him, no pleasure, no sex. The big problem is he will not get help, and we all have to suffer the pain ... We have had soooo many conversations about it, to be frank I am sick of talking, want to see some action. I do love him, but do feel i have to put a limit on it. whether i am brave enough, come September. is another matter ...

Judge your situation sounds tough but IMHO life is too short which is why I'm thinking very carefully about it all.

Could you give him a serious ultimatum? Find help for his condition or you're going? Do you have family and friends to support you?

I do hope you find strength to do what you believe is right.

Yes we've talked through all of that, the thing is I'm not rushing into anything,like you i'm thinking very carefully. I do love him and we've been married for ten years, that's important to both of us. He's never been unfaithful or undeniable, and I really like him when he's not drowning in negativity. However things can't carry on as they are, he has to shape up as life is short, too short to wallow in misery before you have to !!! hence playing the long game as a lot is at stake ....