DH nearly left me last night

[justsosad]

Where to begin...

DH is a good man. We have been together for 14 years, married for nearly 5 and I love him. We have 2 small children, the youngest is only 2 months old.

We have had major financial trouble for the past few months which has put a massive strain on our relationship. I do all our accounting and so I have this on my mind constantly. DH feels like a failure because he works hard and we still can't afford to pay for our outgoings. I am self employed and started doing the odd bit of work a month after DC2 was born to try and help make ends meet. We are both exhausted as both DCs wake through the night.

DH has dealt with his feelings by going to the pub every evening to try to forget about things. This makes me cross as he is spending money we can't afford and it has caused lots of arguments, but he says he needs somewhere to go after work to relax and get away from it all.

I try to be a good wife, but I'm rubbish at keeping the house tidy (which he hates) and I guess I do remind him every day of what bills we need to pay, but I can't get them out of my head. I make dinner every evening, but at least twice a week he doesn't turn up for it as he's stayed at the pub longer than he should which then results in an argument.

Another thing which causes arguments is DH smoking. He doesn't smoke in the house or anywhere near the children, but I am completely paranoid about cot death as DH lost a child with his first wife due to cot death. This is obviously very painful for him, but instead of confronting it he chooses to ignore it and won't read the cot death leaflets we have been given. He therefore won't acknowledge that smoking can be a contributor. The reason that I am mentioning this is that this was what triggered the row we had last night. He stepped outside to have a cigarette and I could smell smoke in the house so I asked him to close the door. He then pointed to the smoke and said it was going outside. I tried to say that if I could smell smoke there were particles of the chemicals in the air which was dangerous for DC2. He then got angry and we had a row. I said (and probably shouldn't have) that if anything happened to DC2 it would be his fault. I really wish I hadn't said that now as I know it was unfair. I am just so paranoid about it.

Anyway, this argument escalated and he said that he did not feel comfortable in his own home cause he couldn't do what he liked in it and that I was trying to change him. The only thing I can think of was smoking. To cut a long story short I accused him of saying things and he accused me. I felt that he twisted everything I said to mean something slightly different (something he does a lot). He then said he had enough and we would be better off without him. He got angry and hit the wall. Then he said that if he was angry enough to hit the wall, cause he was so angry with me that he had wanted to hit me and hit the wall instead, that it was time for him to leave and then he started to pack his stuff. By this point I was hysterical and I begged him to stay. I promised him I would try to be a better wife. He then reluctantly agreed to stay, but said that he wasn't sure how much more he could put up with.

I feel so so sad and miserable. The truth is that although I love him very very much, I am completely exhausted by everything in my life at the moment and feel completely empty. If it wasn't for our DCs I probably would've let him go as I don't know if I have the energy for all this anymore. I just can't bear to think about our DCs without their father in their life everyday. DC1 asks for him every day first thing in the morning. They have a fantastic relationship and adore each other. It breaks my heart to think that I could be a cause of breaking up that.

I don't really know what to do I am just so so sad. I don't really know why I'm posting on here, it just feels better to write it all down I guess. I'm just so so unhappy and I still love him. I don't want him to go. :(

Didnt want this to go unanswered as you sound so low.

You don't sound to me like a couple who are unhappy with eachother, and on the verge of splitting. You sound like a couple ground down by the pressures of life, and struggling to cope with the daily routine.

Has he ever had professional support to help deal with the loss of his child? Sounds as though his response to really tough, horrid experiences is to hide from them, through drinking, smoking, possibly avoiding talking about them? Which is understandable, but not emotionally healthy to block them in this way. The smoking now is another block. It's probably too painful for him to acknowledge the harsh reality that smoking contributes to cot death - so he ignores it.

Re: the financial pressures. That can be a horrendous pressure on the best of relationships, and its something that's going to hit more and more families over the coming months. It's very depressing to work so hard yet still not be able to afford to pay the bills. Sit down and do a financial 'spring clean'. Where can you cut back? Have you got loans you can consolidate? Are you simply living beyond your means, and need to think about downsizing? You mention that you are doing bits of work, self employed, which is adding to the stress. Is this really the best way to address the financial problems? It may bring a little more money in, but would you be better off thinking longer term, and maybe training or planning for more steady employment? It sounds as though your DH feeling rubbish about not earning enough to cover the outgoings is a big factor in all this. He shouldn't feel ashamed about it. I don't know how any family affords to live on one income these days, frankly. When will your older child start to get free nursery hours? Is there something you can work towards for then?

Can you set aside an evening that you agree not to talk about work/money/pressures but just relax, and do some positive thinking about how to move forward? I don't mean going out, because that will mean babysitters and expense. But just get the kids off to bed, cook a nice meal together. Start from a 'no blame' point of view - neither of you trying to pin your problems on the other; just focusing on the future.

Am struggling to sympathise with your DH to be honest.

It bothers me to see you write that you're not a good wife and have promised him you'll try harder. He doesn't like the state of the house? Well if he wasn't at the pub every night maybe he could bloody well tidy it up!

Money's tight? Well what the hell is he doing spending money in the pub and smoking? Cigarettes are soooo expensive nowadays.

Obviously it's awful that he lost a child, but he doesn't seem to have taken any responsibility for dealing with it properly and instead is blocking it out by withdrawing to the pub and drinking and smoking.

And now, what's particularly worrying is that he is starting to show signs of becoming violent - to the point of even admitting that he wants to hit you. That is very, very concerning. If I were you I'd let him go and sort himself out. You can't have him in the house with your DCs if he can't control his anger.

So sorry you are going through this. But I wonder if he was out of the house for a little bit whether you wouldn't start to feel a bit more in control and stop beating yourself up so much about being crap. You aren't crap, you sound like bloody superwoman to me! But this situation can't continue the way it is.

So you've promised to try to be a 'better' wife. What changes will he be making? To be honest, if he changes nothing, then nothing will change in your relationship except that you will be doing more housework and perhaps tip toeing around the problems a bit more.

Yep, what ChopChop said. Doesn't sound like you should be the one having to make changes.

How much is he depending weekly on cigarettes and in the pub?? Be honest here?? I'm guessing at least £70??

Op you don't need to promise to do anything!. You say you can't meet your outgoings yet your dp spends every eve in the pub, he also smokes which we all know costs a bloody fortune!, to be honest he dosent seem to give a shit about your family finances, in fact if that were me op I would have been helping him pack his bags not begging him to stay!!

If your dh goes to the pub straight after work, to relax, does he get home in time to see DC1 before bedtime?

He does sound under a lot of pressure but also a bit cowardly tbh. Going to the pub is a way hiding from the problems.

I agree with Madonnawhore.

In your situation I know I would have done the same (and have!), however, from an outside point of view the best thing would have been to have let him go.

Bu doing what you did, you hand him all the power over your relationship. He thinks he can behave how he likes and you will beg him to stay :(

He needs to be made to see that going to the pub everynight and smoking are causing some of the problems you are having.

Your family cannot afford for him to be doing either of those things.

Smoking when he has lost one child to cot death is unbelievable, really it is. Does he not realise how much of the toxin still sticks to his clothes etc? Smokers are so ignorant as to how much still comes into the house because they can't smell it!

How brave are you feeling? Are you ready to do what it takes to get what you and your children need?? If you are, I would say to him that you were upset last night at the thought of him leaving, of how much that it would hurt DS - but having thought about it overnight he is right - id he's not prepared to stop going to the pub every night, to stop smoking and to deal with the financial problems you have then yes, it is better if he leaves because you are not prepared to risk his anger again and you are not prepared to stand by while he pisses all your money away down at the pub and creates a dangerous environment at home for your children (anger and smoking). Then be really, really brave and let him talk - stand your ground and unless he's prepared to stop - let him walk out.

DS probably will be upset that he's not there - but in the long run having a Dad who is at the pub everynight and being increasingly angry & violent is not going to be good for him and we all have to do things for our children that are good for them, not what they want don't we.

I would let him go - in fact I would tell him to go.

He is the one at fault here. Yes he is under pressure, but so are you, and by behaving the way he is he is making you be the adult while he is behaving like a child.

madonnawhore is spot on. Please read her post and take on board what she says. He really needs to grow up.

what chipping said

I think you need to prioritize the problems here: This is a stressful time and hence not the right time for him to quit smoking. You are on the verge of breaking up and he almost hit you WITHOUT nicotine withdrawal playing on his nerves.

I hear you re cot death but surely you know that the few parts in billon that you smell will not kill your baby. There is a big difference between being able to smell something and that something being in a high enough concentration to be dangerous to you. Lay off him on smoking for the time being.

Tell him pub is not reasonable, and that you can prepare a bath for him after work where he can soak with a beer in his hand if he wants to relax.

"Promised I would be a better wife" made me cringe, tbh. You are not a slave. He should try to be a better husband and come home to you after work. Do you get to go out and relax with your girlfriends while he stays home with kids? I bet not.

I feel so sad at your post as you're so obviously under pressure. It seems your DH uses alcohol and smoking as coping mechanisms - which is adding to the issues in your life rather than taking away the problems. I agree counselling might be good but suspect he needs individual counselling first. Could you show him this thread - I think you have written in a balanced way and maybe it will help him to see that smoking and drinking are causing additional issues to the current stresses.

Finanical issues can be resolved and as the babies get older life will get easier but he does need to tackle the way he copes with stress as it isn't good for your family.
I really hope he's not in denial as sadly you'll be in a spiral of problems. He won't fix problems by going to the pub..does he get that?
If not you can suggest counselling but you can't force him to change - he is at risk at losing his family life if he can't make the change.

This really stuck out to me: "By this point I was hysterical and I begged him to stay. I promised him I would try to be a better wife. He then reluctantly agreed to stay, but said that he wasn't sure how much more he could put up with." Do you notice how everything has been switched to you? It has become your fault, it is something he is "putting up with" - and what a saint he must be when you keep pushing him for so long

It's not all your fault, he needs to acknowledge his part in this and you both need to work together to sort things out. A relationship counsellor comes to mind, as I'm not sure the two of you could sit down together to talk with one another about your issues without it escalating into another fight.

What Madonnawhore and chipping said.

Hi,

Thanks for also your responses, I really appreciate them. You have made me feel a little better as I really felt I was all to blame and at least I can now see that it is not just me.

To answer some of your questions:
Violethill thank you for your kind response. No DH never had any counseling to deal with the loss of his child. He has buried it and rarely talks about it or wants to talk about it. When it comes up he usually just says 'it was a long time ago' and changes the subject. :( I am currently receiving maternity allowance so can only work up to ten days before I have to stop claiming which is why I have only done the 'odd bit of work' since DC2 was born. I normally bring in roughly what I am getting in Maternity Allowance after I have paid for childcare so there is no point in stopping claiming until the 9 months are up as I wouldn't gain anymore money by going back to work before then. Thank you for all your other suggestions though, very helpful.
madonnawhore thank you, I have taken on board what you said. You made me feel a little better about myself. DH would never actually be violent directly to me or the DC though, I just know he wouldn't, he was just really angry. He is normally very placid and never ever gets into violent situations.
ILoveTIFFANY I guess it is probably around that figure :(
almostgrownup no he doesn't always get home in time to see DC1 before bed, but he works locally and so always pops home in his lunch hour to see the DC.
ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak thank you, its nice to know others have been in similar situations. No, maybe I am not brave enough, but I can't bear the thought of him leaving. I love him so much and DC1 would be distraught. I can't do that to DC1, I have to make an effort to keep my family together, but I do see that the situation is not ideal. DH has tried to give up smoking and as an exsmoker myself who gave up 10 years ago, I do remember how difficult it is to give up. I think even more so because he is very stressed at the moment. He knows he shouldn't be smoking which in a way makes it even worse iyswim as he feels guilty.

Thank you all so much for your advice/comments, it is nice to be able to talk to people cause I can't talk to anyone in RL about this. Thank you. I just wish things weren't so miserable at the moment. I'm dreading DH coming home for lunch today as he left for work this morning without saying more than a couple of words to me. :(

Stand your ground now love, and please take note of the warnings in some of the posts about how much of your own self-esteem you give away when you take all the blame for adding to his stress

has he acknowledged that his behaviour is also making your life more stressful ?

never, ever beg him to stay again

it seems now, he has decided he will stay, but only if you can be a "better wife"

can you see what a horribly slippery slope this is ?

Thank you CoteDAzur I did actually think any smoking particles could cause cot death, but I may be mistaken, I will lay off him as it is adding to the stress. houseproject and DizzyKipper I doubt that DH would agree to counselling, but will ask him. Things will improve financially as the DC get older, go to school etc and I can work more, it just seems a long way off right now :(

Thank you all for your support. x

I know you feel he'd never be violent with either you or dc, but I bet there has been a point where you would have thought he'd never punch a wall, or pack a bag to leave, or shout etc......... Or even. Say he felt like hitting you. He's crossed all those boundaries, you can't know he'd stop there and never increase his violence

He was going to leave........ Next time let him, because he had at that point recognised his anger and realised he needed to get away before he carried it on.........it's an anger management tactic, and good on him for attempting it, but nit really the best move from you by begging him to stay. Luckily he calmed down. Let him go next time.

Good luck with it all

No, things will get better financially IMMEDIATELY if he stops drinking and smoking. You would save nearly £300 per month starting now.

He obviously needs a way of relaxing - couldn't he go for a long walk and listen to music, or start running, or join a cheap gym?

By the way, when do you have a chance to relax? What about both of you getting membership for a gym and then you go when he's come back?

I, too, absolutely cringed when you said you would try to be a better wife. For god's sake, woman, grow a backbone! And then he didn't know how long he could put up with things? It's disgraceful - he is managing to make you feel guilty for everything.

As for the house, it really is depressing to come home to a really messy house. What can you do about this? Could he bath the children whilst you run around and tidy up? Do the children have a quiet time when you could do some housework? I don't really think you should get him to do all the housework when he gets in from work, but he should pull his weight at the weekend and should do something to help every evening, even it's just the dishes after your meal.

Just a couple of points.

"I can't bear the thought of him leaving. I love him so much and DC1 would be distraught. I can't do that to DC1,"

If he chooses to leave then it's him that will be 'doing it' to DC not you.

"I have to make an effort to keep my family together,"

It's not just your (singular) responsibility to keep your family together. It's your (you and DH) responsibility. You both have to make the effort.

I agree with AF, do not beg him to stay if he threatens to leave in future. Let him go, it might just make him realise just what he stands to lose and therefore more amenable to taking his share of the responsibility to make your relationship work in future.

If money was tight and my husband went to the pub every night I would be considering a separation. He should be investing that time and money in you. Going to the pub isn't "getting away from it all" it's making "it all" worse by escalatinbg the debt. I also wouldn't want to be seen as someone my husband had to get away from to relax. On the other hand the smell of smoke won't kill anyone, but leaving the door open is letting heat out and thus increasing the heating bill.
I also view household money as joint so would expect pub visits to be discussed if trying to save money. I wouldn't want anyone smoking in the house esp with young children. but wouldn't marry a smoker.
If your husband likes the house tidy then he can tidy it, you aren't stopping him.
Sounds like a crap relationship at the moment.

dont be sad, be very very angry that he is prepared to fritter away so much money on nothing when things are so tight in addition to not caring how the smoking affects the children (it definitely does!)

ooh i am feeling very cross on your behalf!

He knows you have money problems but blows £300/month on booze and fags?

What madonnawhore said.

This person is manipulative, bullying and controlling.

'Anyway, this argument escalated and he said that he did not feel comfortable in his own home cause he couldn't do what he liked in it and that I was trying to change him. '

Because what he wants is to piss everything up the wall and you to clean it all up.