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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why would someone critisise everything you do?

65 replies

codsworth · 25/01/2011 07:24

I make a pasta tuna dish, he laughs at it and says "it doesn't look very appetising, I'd be suprised if the kids wanted to eat that, I won't be having any"

Last night I made some banana muffins, he makes a "ewww" face and says "no thanks! I won't be making the kids eat them either to be honest, I'd throw them away personally but it's upto you"

He critisises my driving all the time.

He critisises everything I do basically. Why? If anyone dare to critisise anything HE makes he'd go off in a major sulk

OP posts:
nickschick · 25/01/2011 07:26

Hes being a knob.

Its a control thing.

Carry on and dont let his opinions affect you.

Tortington · 25/01/2011 07:26

its for power and control. it is not respectful and i would suggest relationship counselling before you get to a pace where you want to leave.

it is ok for my dh to say that something i have cooked was horrible, but then he follows it up with,' but i can tell it took a lot of effort and i appreciate it thanks'

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 07:28

I couldn't stay with someone like that. Is he critical of the kids too?

RailwayChild · 25/01/2011 07:37

This sort of behaviour wears you down. You wouldn't want your child to put up with so why do you? Stand up to him and give him same behaviour back?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/01/2011 07:53

codsworth,

He is trying to further control you by belittling your efforts. He must ultimately leave the home if you are to remain happy.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Controlling behaviours like this are abusive behaviours, no two ways about it. Bet you as well he was charm personified when you met him and could not do enough for you; even taking you to and from work or similar eh?.

Look at other areas of your life as well like friends and family. Does he try and control access to these people too, have you had to curtail seeing them over time?. Yet another red flag if this is the case.

Relationship counselling solely for you would be beneficial (he would not go besides which any counsellor would never counsel the two of you together due to his controlling ways).

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. He'll be in those pages.

ZZZenAgain · 25/01/2011 07:55

probably has some things about himself he doesn'tlike, feels he fails at and makes himself feel bigger and more powerful by running you down. Does he do it in front of other people too?

Longtalljosie · 25/01/2011 07:56

I take it you hadn't burned either of those items to a crisp? And I mean, really burned them, not just a bit. I can't think of a single other reason why anyone would be so unpleasant. Why are you with him, has he always been like this?

ZZZenAgain · 25/01/2011 08:04

a lot of men criticise a woman's driving. I've noticed that a lot, even when there is nothing obvious to criticise.

Once we went for a drive with a couple, the man was not able to drive (arm in a sling), his girfriend was parking (just fine ) in a crowded car park and he was screaming at her. She was a mess in the end. I had sat in the car with them, giving directions and it was like that the whole trip. I hit the roof in the parking place and told him to just shut up. It was all so unnecessary, she was a perfectly normal driver but he screamed and criticised the whole trip, it was horrible and he made her so upset, she would not have been able to drive after that.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/01/2011 08:04

What everyone else said. It's not about cooking, it's about putting you in your place.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 08:06

Agree. What he chooses to critisise you about is irrelevent. His aim is to chip chip chip away at you until he breaks you.

You have to decide whether you believe this or not, and if so, what you intend to do about it. Before he chips away at you so much that you believe everything he says.

NettleTea · 25/01/2011 08:25

This was one of my ex's favourite hobbies - criticising food. It was a way of belittling. Once you become immune to that he will crank it up a bit, and the abuse will get worse, but will become 'normal'. Abusers dont jump in being abusive straight away, its the little things that gradually turn into big things and ypou dont notice it happening because its just tiny steps....

He used to criticise my driving too.

NettleTea · 25/01/2011 08:26

I was a bloody good cook too - I had run 2 restaurants, and none of my family or new OH has ever complained!

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 08:45

Why are some people so critical? I mean, what makes somebody feel the need to put people down? :(

ZZZenAgain · 25/01/2011 08:49

I think it might be little more than a bad habit some people slip into and don't even realise they do it.

Other people it is a power trip. They feel bigger and stronger when they put someone else down and it gets to feel like a drug.

I am not an xpert on this, just my own observations of it

SudalivefromHMP · 25/01/2011 08:57

Yup agree with all who say is control thing - and I should have letters after my name in recognising this - was married to a controlling bully for 20 plus years.

I could not do right for doing wrong.

Just a word of advice

LEAVE

perfumedlife · 25/01/2011 08:58

If my dh did that I would wrap the car round him.

Controlling behaviour, without a doubt.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2011 09:23

he is a tit

and a verbal abuser

stay with him, and in a couple of years you won't know your arse from your elbow

Chrysanthemum5 · 25/01/2011 09:46

Agree with the others, it is controlling. My ex-H did this constantly, about everything I did. I ended up a shadow of my real self, with no confidence. When I got some strength back and started refusing to take his behaviour he left in an attempt to make me see I wouldn't cope without him. But I did! And after we split up he admitted it was all to control me, and make me feel bad because he was jealous of my qualifications, friends etc.

I know you have children together which makes the advice to kick him out easy to say , but hard to do. However, I would certainly ask him to move out for a short period to give you some mental space to see his behaviour for what it really is. How you move forward is then up to you, but at least you will know what you are dealing with.

Scottie87 · 25/01/2011 14:27

mmmm
I had the car thing lol
I stopped the car in the middle of the road (a quiet road) and got in the back passenger seat... when there were a couple of cars behind us he eventually got into the drivers seat. That was the last time I drove with him in the car for about 3 years.... it's great being able to have a drink when we went go out lol

how ever it wasn't controlling criticism, which you recognise or you wouldn't have posted. Is he always like this? What's changed?

maltesers · 25/01/2011 22:46

He is a rude ungrateful bastard and needs to be told enough is enough. He is putting you down so he feels big. . . he is controlling and has some serious self esteem issues. Ignore his unkind words. You cant change his behaviour, but you CAN change your own.

I have been through this with my Ex and its so soul destroying. If he doesnt change even with councilling you deserve better and need 'out'.

Beenice · 26/01/2011 05:31

My H did this too.

When I dared to say anything he would then blame me for being too sensitive.

If he ever cooked (which was very rare) he would say something like - "this is real food" to the kids.

mathanxiety · 26/01/2011 05:51

He's a bully. This is abuse. Read the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned by Attila.

It will suck the life out of you and kill your relationship cold stone dead if he doesn't stop. He has to acknowledge it and he has to take responsibility for stopping it. None of it is your fault in any way. It has nothing to do with your cooking or your driving. It's him and the void inside him that he wants to fill by tearing you apart.

There is nothing you can do that will be 'right' for this man. It's not about what you do or how you do it. Basically if you are standing there and breathing you are doing it wrong with someone like this.

I put up with 17 years of this and in the end I felt I was being destroyed.

moocowme · 26/01/2011 10:35

does he do this to only you? does he do it to you in front of other people? has anyone ever stood up to him?

StuffingGoldBrass · 26/01/2011 10:53

Do your research, do it today WRT the house, the finances, maitenance and benefits. Make sure you have all the facts. Because men like this always lie when challenged and claim that they will, for instance, throw you out of the house without a penny, get custody of the kids because you are insane (for daring to disagree with them) etc etc and it's all bullshit.
Then tell him that you will not be spoken to so rudely and unkindly and if he doesn't stop bullying you, you will have to think about ending the marriage.
ONe of these things will happen. If it is some kind of nervous speech pattern blah blah because his parents criticised him constantly, he may be shocked and upset and apologise and make a genuine effort to stop.

It's quite likely he will tell you to stop making a fuss, that you are oversensitive or that you are imagining it (abuse pattern A).

Or he will tell you that no one will believe you, you can leave but you're not having the kids, that you won't get a penny etc etc (abuse pattern B). Either of the abusive answers mean that your relatinship is doomed and you need to get your exit strategy in place.

Very best of luck.

JustForThisOne · 26/01/2011 11:18

op your post make me think about my parents
they must have been together what? nearly 60 years ad I do not think a meal has gone by without dad pullying a funny face. The food is never right and even if the taste is good he will say too much, or too little or whatever. She cant get right even a tangerine! (may have seeds the wrork of evil)
as a result I have always hated eating with them, cant enjoy any food, made my mum hate cooking and her serving meals hospital style ever since. This single family life aspect has been more than enough to for me wish they were divorced as long as I can remember (toxic shit)
your children will notice soon