Why would someone critisise everything you do?

[codsworth]

I make a pasta tuna dish, he laughs at it and says "it doesn't look very appetising, I'd be suprised if the kids wanted to eat that, I won't be having any"

Last night I made some banana muffins, he makes a "ewww" face and says "no thanks! I won't be making the kids eat them either to be honest, I'd throw them away personally but it's upto you"

He critisises my driving all the time.

He critisises everything I do basically. Why? If anyone dare to critisise anything HE makes he'd go off in a major sulk

Oh dear, you do sound downtrodden. I think decades of being treated as less-than-human (sorry, but it's appropriate) would leave anyone feeling beaten :( I'm angry on your behalf!

I do have some idea about how this feels to you. I used to put up with all kinds of maltreatment, mainly because that's what my mother did and I knew no better. Nowadays, I feel furious at men (mostly) who abuse this tendency in women (mostly) to gain 'power'. That's not the way to make a relationship work.

Even if your parents provided a healthy model for you, your H got you so young that you were still impressionable. Are yours still alive? Do/did they like him, and your marriage?

I wonder what you want from your thread, ladypru. Are you looking to make some sense of your marriage, looking for a way out, hoping to improve things (him), or what?

I have to put the rubbish out and go to bed. I'll check back with you tomorrow, and hope you'll have had more helpful replies by then :)
Do take good care of yourself; you deserve it.

Tell your parents, Ladypru. They may have guessed. They may have noticed little things that didn't add up.

You will wear yourself out keeping up the pretence on top of dealing with your H.

Do you have a library nearby that might have the Bancroft book? A bookshop?

You're not going mad. Your perceptions are accurate.

you are not mad, your husband treats you horribly.

Get the book and you'll understand. Or just google "emotional abuse". Start with this:
www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171

Does the following sound familiar? Just one example, I'm sure you will find others that apply.

Killing Your Self-Confidence
"The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

sorry, link here
counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html

I'm also strongly in favour of confiding in your parents, ladypru. You say they have a good marriage. They love you. They will have noticed that things are awry, and will most likely feel relieved when you describe the issues to them. Even if you just share your woes with them now and again, it'll be helpful for you and allow them to feel they can support you :)

You're definitely not going mad! I hope you manage to read the Bancroft book soon.

Now, how to shore you up? Firstly (after reading the book), I advise you to get yourself on an assertiveness course. There are ususally some of these going on locally - ask at the library, the council offices and the CAB. This'll help you regain your sense of self, and teach you a few strategies to minimise the hurt your H causes.

Secondly: what is his 'primary love language'? I hate that expression, but the principle is sound. We tend to offer what would please us, often missing the fact that some other offering might please/placate the other more. If your H is really fond of himself (or insecure, depending on your pov), his may be "words of affirmation".

Thirdly, you'll feel better if you pull him up every single time he picks at you. This will also help your DCs to develop better people skills! Best to tackle this after you've confided in your parents, read the book and studies assertiveness :)

You know it's worth a bit of effort.

Ladypru, I'm going to ask you one question:

WHY don't you think you deserve better?
WHY don't you think you deserve better?
Why don't you think YOU deserve better?

Ladypru, if you work, why not set up a new amazon accounton your work email address and get the book delivered to work?

If you don't have a work email address, go to a library and set up a hotmail account and order it from there.

Or get it delivered to a friend/parents maybe?

HUGE amounts of luck to you, ladypru, and fight for what you deserve!

Where has the OP gone?

ladypru very nosy of me but I have to ask. Why are you still with this man?