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Original poster

Why would someone critisise everything you do?

65 replies

codsworth · 25/01/2011 07:24

I make a pasta tuna dish, he laughs at it and says "it doesn't look very appetising, I'd be suprised if the kids wanted to eat that, I won't be having any"

Last night I made some banana muffins, he makes a "ewww" face and says "no thanks! I won't be making the kids eat them either to be honest, I'd throw them away personally but it's upto you"

He critisises my driving all the time.

He critisises everything I do basically. Why? If anyone dare to critisise anything HE makes he'd go off in a major sulk

OP posts:
ladypru · 26/01/2011 23:06

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ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/01/2011 23:08

he sounds like my EXP

anything that belonged to me was a nuisance, got in his way, was my "crap". his stuff was his stuff and when i was forever moving it out of the way i was in the wrong because it was his stuff.

ladypru · 26/01/2011 23:17

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ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/01/2011 23:23

yes pru that sounds exactly like him. supplies for my online business was "stupid crap" but a £4k loan for a friggin car that he didn't need wasn't. (he is forces so lived on a ship and i already had afamily car for when he was home.)

ladypru · 26/01/2011 23:26

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ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/01/2011 23:27

pru are you me? Grin

ladypru · 26/01/2011 23:38

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ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/01/2011 23:43

sadly i dont. i let him wear me down to think it was all stupid crap and i moved it all out to my mums loft to store it. anytime i wanted to go out and work on it i felt liek i was just a silly girl playing at a business so i let it go. the stuff is still at my mum. i will start it up again though. now i have offloaded the real stupid crap in my life.

ItsGraceAgain · 26/01/2011 23:51

ladypru, it's a great idea to read the Bancroft book - if nothing else, it will validate your thoughts. How about reading it at the library? (Quick before they're closed down!)

Well done on your job :)

Boo, I love that you've identified the real crap! Mine did that "your crap, my important stuff", too. Wanker.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/01/2011 23:56

thinking about it now, he was so pathetic that if i asked him to put away some washing he would even differ in the way he put mine away (just thrown in any old shape)to teh way he put his own away(nice and neat). pathetic child.

SpeedyGonzalez · 27/01/2011 00:11

I agree with custy and sgb. You have to maintain your self-respect, and putting up with this behaviour will ultimately destroy you.

Have you read Secrets of Happy Parents by Steve and Shaaron Biddulph? They put forward the idea that critical partners pick on flaws which they themselves have in some alternative form. I think it's an interesting idea worth considering...

Also it sounds like a form of restrained aggression. Are there things in his history or his life with you (not the things he criticises) which he has learned/ chosen to tackle with simmering anger, rather than dealing with these issues maturely and openly? Perhaps he's emotionally illiterate. I was chatting with DS today about an angry 5 yo boy we met whose father was emotionally neglectful and excessively critical. The boy wanted to play with my son, but kept picking on him as well. I wanted to thump his moron of a dad, but that's another story! That poor boy could end up hurting people he loves throughout his life if he never learns how to handle strong emotions well.

But your partner is an adult, so he has to take responsibility for his heart, mind and actions.

So the best move for you, IMO is counselling while you secretly start planning your exit as a back-up plan. Make sure you do an assessment of the relationship at this stage - you will need this information later on to help you make the best decision about whether or not to stay.

If you see hope after counselling - i.e that he starts to show a commitment to working harder at the relationship, then that's excellent. In which case it will probably take a long while but as long as he is making an effort that's a good reason to delay your plans to leave while you work at things together. Then give it a couple of years before you assess things again and see how things have changed or not. 2 years sounds like a lot but if he's making an effort then you may just need to go at his slow pace for a while.

On the other hand if he repeatedly shows no interest in improving the relationship, then you have a back-up plan. You do not need to feel/ stay trapped in a harmful marriage.

ladypru · 27/01/2011 00:11

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ItsGraceAgain · 27/01/2011 00:32

What a wonderfully perceptive parent you are, Speedy.

ItsGraceAgain · 27/01/2011 00:32

Oh, well done, ladypru! You might find out it's not the pill that makes you loopy Wink

aurynne · 27/01/2011 00:58

I will never understand how some partners can speak like this to someone they are supposed to love. I am not even getting into the respect and control issues... I am talking about loving and caring for someone, fgs. I couldn't imagine talking to my DP like this even if he had cooked an absolutely inedible dish, because I would hate to hurt his feelings. I would indeed be honest and let it slip that it is not his best dish, but I would go out of my way to make it light-hearted and not undermine him.

Equally, my DP would probably walk on broken glass before talking to me like that.

Ladies, please, don't put up with this, don't let this happen. Someone that treats you like this just does not love you.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 27/01/2011 01:00

aurynne i toatlly agree with you. i often wonder where the logical part of my brain had been when i wasted 7 years out of my life with that excuse for a 'partner'

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 27/01/2011 01:03

i have a motto in my house now (just me and dcs now)

it is 'positive contact'. meaning that all contact, be that verbal or physical shall be for the benefit of the person it is directed towards. at 5years and 20 months, this explanation is a bit difficult for dcs to understand but they know that only nice behaviour is allowed and that is good enough for the time being.

ben5 · 27/01/2011 01:03

tuna pasta bake looks yucky but always tastes yummy!! my kids love it!
same for banana muffins! send them my way!
he's an adult so if he doesn't like your driving then he doesn't have to get the car with you
if he doesn't like the food you cook get him to make his own. let the kids make up there own mind. if they prefere his cooking then he's on cooking duty all the time and it's all back fired as it creates more work for him!
good luck

SpeedyGonzalez · 27/01/2011 01:48

Blush Grin

mathanxiety · 27/01/2011 04:17

I remember one time I had packed suitcases for us all (me and exH and 4 DCs at the time for a week at his parents' that included a major holiday with 'good' clothes required. There were nappies and baby things required too. Everything was clean and folded. I didn't forget one thing. I packed exH's clothes too. And all the necessary shoes and medicines and toiletries. It was a huge job and preparation took several days as I had everyone to feed and take care of at the same time too. exH couldn't find something in a suitcase (it didn't jump up and shout here I am you eejit ) and gave me the dirtiest, angriest look in his repertoire, then started taking me to task for forgetting things I should have packed, blah blah blah. I said, 'Next time you get to pack and I get to sit down and second guess everything you did for the family'. Silence. Course not for long.

QueenofWhatever · 27/01/2011 20:38

Another one to add the list, my ex was like this and got worse. So glad DD and I left.

Yes with the crap. We had four bikes in the house , one day I came home from work and he had just bought an Audi estate for himself. I am apparently an awful driver - never had an accident, ticket or had anyone else concerned.

God forbid if he couldn't find his mobile phone/wallet/keys and I didn't know where they were right that minute. Luckily it just makes me laugh now.

The thing about the these people and what the Lundy Bancroft book shows is that they are all the same, right down to the words they say.

Life is too short.

ladypru · 27/01/2011 23:14

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ItsGraceAgain · 27/01/2011 23:54

Fire away, if you're around and if I can help.
I'm busy procrastinating. It looks like a long job ...

ladypru · 28/01/2011 00:14

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ItsGraceAgain · 28/01/2011 00:25

While his dad was alive, he blanked his family and told them you'd instigated this? Then, after his father died, he resumed family contact and painted you, to his family, as inadequate?

So, throughout, he's represented you to his own family as nasty, scheming and stupid. Nice of him Angry

Following the father's death, I imagine the mother and sisters were only too ready to let bygones be bygones and rebuild what remains of their family. Your husband deliberately cut you out of any bonding that was to happen.

My (slightly) more charitable side wonders if, perhaps, he strongly disliked his father and hid behind lies about you to avoid contact? Although that could be an explanation, it's a long way from an excuse. His actions have been reprehensible throughout.

My less charitable - and more experienced - side thinks you have the misfortune to be married to somebody whose wiring is screwed up. There may be no explanation, logical or illogical, outside of the convoluted wastelands of his inner being :(

What do you think? I have to ask - why don't you sound agry?