Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

755 replies

QueenGigantaurofMnet · 23/01/2011 21:34

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 22:52

""but you say abuse is calculated and controlled. a fit of rage is not calculated or controlled."

You seem to be suggesting that an abuser cannot help it. This is very dangerous ground."

you are completely ignoring my meaning and you know it.

i did not say that an abuser cannot help it. i am asking you taht if a person hits their partner in a fit of rage do you consider that abuse?

and then i am asking you that if a person hits their partner more than once, always in a fit of rage do you consider that abuse?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 22:54

"Regular fits of rage can be used to control someone - surely you can see that? Knowing that using anger instills fear in their partner they can use the same method again to instill the same fear over and over again. I disagree that fits of rage can't be calculated and controlling. The abuser can create situations where he knows he will get angry and lose his temper, just to frighten the other person, make them bend to his will. What he does when he is angry maybe out of control but the build up isn't."

i agree with this. fits of rage can be used to control. but i disagree that it is what happens 100% of the time. i am thinking of a situation where someone has anger control issues and has no intention of creating or manipulating the situation in order that they become angry.

Beachcomber · 25/01/2011 22:55

Agree this thread is fucked up JustForThisOne.

I'm jogging along here stating the bleedin' obvious in a fashion that isn't really very taxing.

Getting bit bored of the tedium though!

Thank you Aitch and HandDived.

Am tempted to inject a bit of variety by examining the feminist analysis I linked to from Women's Aid.

This bit.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 22:57

beach can you answer my last question please as it was you that asked me the question they relate to and i have answered yours.

Thistledew · 25/01/2011 22:59

Beach - I also feel that you are ignoring the points that I have been trying to make. I have tried to respond and put my point of view when you have asked a direct question. There have been several questions that I have asked you that you have not responded to.

I am not trying to twist your words and deliberately misunderstand you, I have been trying to show that there is more than one way of viewing things, and that the position you are taking may be open to different interpretation, depending on your viewpoint.

Beachcomber · 25/01/2011 23:01

"i am asking you taht if a person hits their partner in a fit of rage do you consider that abuse?

and then i am asking you that if a person hits their partner more than once, always in a fit of rage do you consider that abuse?"

I have already answered these questions.

I'm off to bed now.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 23:04

you haven't answered them at all.

Beachcomber · 25/01/2011 23:06

Oh come on Thistledew - you claimed I had expressed the view that isolated incidences of domestic violence 'don't matter'. You made that up.

I'm bored of stating the bleedin' obvious to people who really don't seem to want to understand. As I say, you better get on quick to Women's Aid and set them straight too. Hmm

Good night.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 23:07

it isn't the bleedin' obvious. it is your opinion and that doesn't make it fact.

JustForThisOne · 25/01/2011 23:08

what part of bully dont you understand ?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 23:09

i would like you to retype that post so that it reads properly. as it is, it is just random words beside each other and i cannot make sense of it.

Thistledew · 25/01/2011 23:10

Beach - no I did not. I though that my post made it clear that I was attempting to summarize your position as it was coming across to me. I am sorry if that was not clear to you. I do not fully understand your argument, and am struggling to do so because you have chosen not to answer direct questions I have asked.

JustForThisOne · 25/01/2011 23:10

thanx for your post BeachComber good night (off)

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 25/01/2011 23:10

I think you have to come from a position that somebody who uses violence regularly in a relationship doesn't do it by accident or because they can't help it. So I think that situation you are portraying is extremely rare or non-existent.

If you hit your partner and they were frightened and upset AND you weren't abusive you would not want to do this again to them. And you would take immediate steps to prevent that from happening.

Excellent link BC.

It is also Women's Aid view not just Beachcombers - ILoveit

I am off to bed now too.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 23:11

"Some, led by IloveBoo, feel bullies
how come?"

you think i am leading other posters to feel bullies and you want to know why? Confused

why would i want to feel a bully? they mightn't want to be felt.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 23:13

"It is also Women's Aid view not just Beachcombers - ILoveit"

have women's aid stated that they do not consider a one off incident of DV as abuse? Shock

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 23:14

"If you hit your partner and they were frightened and upset AND you weren't abusive you would not want to do this again to them. And you would take immediate steps to prevent that from happening."

well, as some of the posters on this thread have proven, that is not always the case. tehy haven't all taken steps to prevent it happening again.

JustForThisOne · 25/01/2011 23:17

lol

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 23:18

i still dont get what you were trying to say. as you are still here, will you please clarify? you can at least give me the chance to respond to it as it was clearly something about me.

phooey · 25/01/2011 23:26

"well, as some of the posters on this thread have proven, that is not always the case. tehy haven't all taken steps to prevent it happening again."

I feel a bit like you're insinuating something about women who have posted on this thread but I'm not quite sure what - would you mind clarifying this paragraph? As I understand it, you're hinting that women who have been violent to their OHs have not seen a problem with it? This is quite a nasty point if I understand it correctly.

Thistledew · 25/01/2011 23:28

Some direct quotes from the Womens' Aid domestic violence FAQs:

"The Government defines domestic violence as "Any incident of threatening behaviour,
violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between
adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender
or sexuality." This includes issues of concern to black and minority ethnic (BME)
communities such as so called 'honour killings'.

[http://www.crimereduction.gov.uk/dv01.htm].

...

Repeat victimisation is common. 44% of victims of domestic violence are involved in
more than one incident. No other type of crime has a rate of repeat victimisation as
high (Dodd et al, July 2004)."

So Women's Aid endorses research that includes the definition of a victim of domestic violence as the 56% of people who have only been involved in one incident.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 23:29

I'll take a stab at answering what i think you were trying to say.

i think you are implying that i am encouraging other posters to bully.

first of all, my opinions are my own, i do not encourage or lead anyone else to express similar. there are posters that share a similar opinion to mine but i can assure you that i do not pay them to post her. other posters have nothing to gain from being led or encouraged by me so i cvan only imagine the opinions they hold are entirely formed in their own minds.

secondly, the only bullying behaviour i see is that of you trying to encourage beachcomber to join you in your personal attack on me.

phooey · 25/01/2011 23:30

The key word of dissent is ABUSE thistle. Obviously one violent incident is violence, but it's not abuse. Why can't you understand this?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 23:33

"I feel a bit like you're insinuating something about women who have posted on this thread but I'm not quite sure what - would you mind clarifying this paragraph? As I understand it, you're hinting that women who have been violent to their OHs have not seen a problem with it? This is quite a nasty point if I understand it correctly."

not what i was saying at all. i was responding to handived's comment

"If you hit your partner and they were frightened and upset AND you weren't abusive you would not want to do this again to them. And you would take immediate steps to prevent that from happening."

some of the posters on this thread did not take steps to prevent them hurting tehir partner again, yet they have not gone on to repeat the behaviour. handived was saying that if tehy weren't abusive people tehy would take steps and i was saying that actually that isn't what has happened in all the cases that have been posted about.

Thistledew · 25/01/2011 23:33

phooey- I must be misunderstanding you, because it seems that you are saying that a victim of domestic violence is not necessarily a victim of domestic abuse? Can you clarify?