If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

I also think the 9 months is to allow the mother time to breastfeed, which a man can not do.

But the choice should be there anyway.

not sure who is campaigning for it. i was just pointing out to you an area where there isn't equality and i see it as inequal to both sexes. i think women lose out at the minute because many postpone going back to work for the 9 months becasue they want tehir child to be cared for by a parent. the father cant do it so they have to, thus affecting tehir own career.

gosh no we are far from true equality.

but to reach it both genders need to alter the way they view both sexes

Hopfully in the next 50 years we will get there.

MYODD made some great points to consider.

my thoughts are that ( and i said this many posts ago) its not about physical strength so much as it is about power.

also whilst i think your statistics are interesting and very sad, i can't help but think that becuase of societal constructs that it can't be easy for men to report dv

however, i don't think the fact females suffer more dv than men is even a factor in the argument. If i understood the point correctly, the point is whether a one off act of violence is ok.

i think the fact that women suffer dv 12 times before even reporting is a very sad figure indeed and i don't think any sane person is arguing that dv doesn't go on. but i do think that this isn't the point that we are debating?

i think the question Jareth is do you think in hindsight that a one off violent incident can be justified?

I think that I would probably react in exactly the same way tbh. We'd been to a wedding, we were both toasted, he accused me (again) of shagging someone else and DS not being his.

I was fucking furious.

I didn't injure him at all... (as if that makes a difference) but I did slap and scream and hit him until I couldn't breathe anymore.. Actualy, I may have punched him in the face several times.

I;m sorry, but he accused me of being unfaithful, and not only that he accused me of his SON not being his own. I was beside myself!

it was sobbing, flailing, powerless hitting. I was beyond angry. I was so upset and disappointed. I couldn't believe it.

would you think those actions were ok if for instance the roles were reversed?

I'm not sure. I think in the reversed situation it would be about control, rather than retaliation.

Custardo // i think the question Jareth is do you think in hindsight that a one off violent incident can be justified?

or even does your DP think in hindsight that a one off violent incident can be justified?

and is he still accusing you and been possessive?

I think DP would freely agree that a slap (or several) about the face were more than justified on that particular evening.

He's not still accusing me, no. That's one of the reason's I felt that I needed to assert myself. I have never cheated on him, ever. His problem became mine.

It was an awful year.. then it all came to a head, and I got so fucking furious he actually realised I wasn't lying/taking the piss/etc

this is interesting.

so, is it the intention ?

are you saying that one off spontanious acts of violence born out of frustration are ok? AND would this be ok if a man hit a woman out of frustration?

thank you Jareth to answer that and I am glad you pulled through

custarto are you picking up from were Boo left?
I see... this topic is still covered 24/7

The only time I hit him was when he was accusing me of all sorts. I hit him once. When I was utterly furious and beside myself.
It's been happily reconciled (this was 2 yrs ago)
I felt that him accusing me and sending poisonous comments my was was equivalent to me slapping his face when he was abusive. Thankfully we're passed all that now, but had I not stood my ground, I don't know what our relationship would have been like

I have always felt that if a woman was enough of a bitch (and I mean uber standards) then perhaps a slap round the face isn't actuallt abuse..

intention rules. If it's control, then nothing violent is acceptable. If it's pleading, desperate, no other option, then it's human emotion.

For example, it was never OK for my Dad to slap me round the head when I was a child, but it may have been acceptable to clip a twat around the ear for pissing in public at the cashpoint

I'm not making much sense, or actually saying what i mean, sorry

justforthisone, i have been posting sporadically, like you. i think it's an interesting topic and that grown ups can debate such topics without mudslinging. nothing wrong with peope who hold different opinions. MN wouldn't exist if we all held the same POV.

it's definitely an interesting topic, and I'm unsure as to why it's (seemingly) OK for me to punch DP, but in a reversed situation is would be beyond wrong.

I think part of it is that I am largely ineffective, physically, whereas DP could easily flatten me (I am FAR for feeble, used to look after myself just fine in London) but I can realistically do very little damage to DP, and he could really hurt me. Men are MUCH stronger.

Just been thinking about this...

If I wanted to 'control' DP, hit him, make him to my every whim, it would be largely verbal/threats/etc.

If DP really decided to control me, and was am utter bastard, it would be because he can physically restrain me, lift me, hurt me..

but then should the damage caused by the strength of the violence be looked at

ie kickboxer world champion woman punches feeble husband in frustration

or should we look at the intention behind it ( as you were saying before) frustration, control.

or is neither of these things worth considering. is it not ust wrong, no matter what the intention, what the size - is it just not wrong to hit someone?

I don't want to come over as a sanctimonious twat, so let me tell you about this...

many years ago when i was first married, dh and i argued - i can't remember why, and out of sheer frustration, i picked up a tiny - really tiny minature ornament and threw it at him.

it hit his ebow on a funny angle and he lost quite a lot of blood and went white.

in pure shock and horror, i ran to my mothers house a street away and rushed her to come look at dh ( she was once a nurse) she thought the whole thing very funny actually.

however, looking back on that incident i will hand on heart say that no matter what buttons my dh pushed that day, i should never have picked up that ornament and used violence and i regret it

Of course it's wrong to hit someone.

I don't deal well with anger, and I feel that DP should have been remorseful for the things that he said. I have never ever been driven to such rage as when he accused me of sleeping with someone else..

You never come over as a twat Custy, glad I'm debating this with you as you wont pick up on the accidental minutae :)

I don't disagree that I was very wrong. I wanted to hit him, I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to make him feel as bad as I did.

btw, I am a kickboxer (not practiced for a long time)

I used to be quite powerful (as in being able to do a double foot kick (don't know the terms) so it's not a case of me being a weekling.

I once did a spinny-flying kick, double footer to a total git in a club that was trying to grope a friend I was with. He got thrown out. Was that wrong?