he's gone

[happiestblonde]

DP just left. After a month of shite and more problems arising in his mind after we fixed the former ones (I don't believe they exist, I think he finds splitting his life between 2 locations too hard and has never suffered tragedy so bailed) he has gone. I saw the first ones, he was right, it had become too insular and I had become a bit needy which is not my standard mind set - we sorted that, I've been so much happier and rediscovered friends, gym etc - but also became a bit cagey with him and self-protective because he essentially shattered by heart 2 days after a perfect weekend in Venice. We get on so well day to day, never ever bickered and never had an argument in a year and a half or more until October then suddenly things fell to pieces. He now thinsk I'm having either a full blown affair or EA with a friend because of ommission (I don't mention him and we talk a lot) - I don't know why I've been this way but the friendship is platonic, it's just been nice to be able to speak to someone since my best friend disappeared in DP and he turned into a distant, cold person. This probably doesn't make sense, sorry, tears are stopping me seeing or thinking, but basically I came home last night after drinks with friends, he blew up at me so I left and went to this other man's house because he happens to live with a close friend and totally innocently slept on their sofa. I can't handle one day he loves me the next he still loves me but is unsure if it will ever work for whatever issues, it's made me so scared to trust him and have blocked him out a bit, but I do love him and now he has left. Sorry this makes no sense. I have a bottle of wine and loud music, and a lot of tissues.

You poor thing I don't really know what to say but bumping for you, others will be along.

Does he work away - two locations? What were the issues before and when was that?

Works at a university, moved to London to be with me after I left the university.

bump...somebody? anybody?

Happiestblonde I was on your other thread. On iPhone now but going to get my lap top out so I can get my teeth into this and tell you what I really think of this!

First of all I am sorry that you are hurting over this .

As I recall, didn't your DP indicate to you that he didn't want you to be so needy and couldn't be responsible for your happiness and didn't want "the huge burden of your love" . I was on that thread under a different name. I have actually thought about you since and when I see your name on threads wondered how you were getting on.

So it seems that you did what he asked, you removed this burden, picked your life up seeing friends and getting out and about again (good for you btw!), all in all done exactly what he said you needed to do to make the relationship work.

So now he has moved the goalposts, suddenly you are having in Emotional Relationship with one of your mates so now he has to dump you over this. He knows your not, I promise you this, he knows. This is just another avenue he has gone down in order to finish the relationship BUT place the blame squarely on your shoulders, just like he did last time.

I seem to remember that he had never been in a successful long term relationship before as well, you can see now why can't you?

Fwiw if he wants out of the relationship thats up to him, it is his choice and decision. However there does seem to be other issues at play here. It does sound like he is a bit of an emotional fuckwit doesn't it? What is this need to make a big drame out of ending the relationship and make sure YOU take the blame for it?

I don't think there is anything you could have done to make this work. I don't think you won't believe me because you didn't last time but you did not do anything wrong, YOU from what I read seem to be operating normally within a committed relationship.

So in conclusion what seems to be happening here is that he is committment phobe who cannot conduct a long term relationship or he is a complete doughnut who cannot conduct a long term relationship without high drama, I bet the latter, either way I think you are well rid. I said on your other thread that I thought he might be NPD and I still do think that. The way he is trying to devalue you in order to justify ending things is an NPD trait.

Hope you are feeling ok.

Thank you crystal.

I am just so sad. I want him to come home and I don't understand how it came to this. He says he loves me but now doesn't trust me and apparently I've made a fool out of him (!?) which is all so false because I love him too much to think about anyone else.

Sounds like this man likes to balme everyone else for any given situation.

I can understand you love him and are hurting very much right now but do be careful about the possiblity of accepting him back on his iffy terms. You could find yourself in an even more unbalanced relationship then..forever beholden to his 'kindness' and 'forgiveness' to you.

My fuckwit of a first husband had an affair but it went wrong. he wanted to come back but he said that I needed to 'take a good long hard look at myself' before he would accept me back (?) (no apologies anywhere)....eventually, when this hadn't worked, he tried to tell me there had been no affair and he had lied and that he was ill and I could make him better.
That was all quite a while ago and I am much happier now in a lovely second marriage [happy]

Just wanted to give an warning about how screwy the logic can get when an idiot like this is trying to get things their own way. He sounds to me like he too is inventing things to make it all fit his lame actions.

I'm so sad I feel like I'm choking. I can't eat/sleep/function, I can only cry. I love him so much.

I feel very sad for you I remember the pain.

Have you got a RL friend you can talk to? (frankly, I would include this bloke frined in this too..even though it would wind DP up more. He sounds like he has been a better mate to you that P and doesn't deserve to be cut off)

I'm confused do you 'get on so well' or is he 'a distant, cold person'. I think sometimes the attachment we develop to a partner confuses us with the reality of how things really are. When I talk of XH it must sound to others like I'm talking about different people

He is brilliant, he's such a great guy I really value his friendship. I sort of understand why XP thought something was going on and I just spoke to him and apologised for that but reiterated that it's a platonic friendship that only really happened because I was so alone within our relationship. He thinks we have lots of problems and I just don't know if that's true, and he refused to come home until Wednesday Oh God I am so horribly sad.

We did get on so well, we didn't have a single cross word between us for about a year and a half until it suddenly fell apart.

What does he think your problems are?

If he thinks you have problems, then you do.

Simply because he is not 100% there in the relationship.

Agree with migrating on that one

I don't know what he thinks they are. We've become distant since we fell out in December and I've put up big walls because that hurt so much and im scared of it happening again, we've both done it and lost the closeness and resented each other. I could get past that if we are just open and honest again but it's like we've talked now and the 'relationship' has become a separate entity and a bad one. He was my best friend we got on stupidly well for so long and now suddenly this has changed and I don't really know why. I'm sure there's noone else involved, certain in fact, aside my friend that he thinks i'm having at least an EA with.

Hi Happiest,I'm back.

I've read your other thread. It seems like thsi guy will look for any reason to break up with you - if he says a is wrong and you change it, then b will be wrong. You sound very apologetic, and like you're trying to adjust yourself to be perfect for him. But the thing is, with guys like this, they'll always find something to pick at, something to chip away at your self esteem, he will always treat you like this so that you're constantly running around after him.

In a healthy relationship, your partner supports you no matter what, not accuses you of being needy. Did I read that he'd gone out for drinks with a female friend, told you he'd be back early (by midnight iirc) and rocked up at 6.30 am then got angry with you for being upset???

You say that your DP has turnedinto someone distant and cold, I know it's hard to switch off emotionally, but in your head, why on earth do you want to be with someone like this?

It seems like you are still seeing your relationship as it was a year ago, but that your DP sees it differently and hasn't bothered to talk about it with you.

The other thing is the way in which he left his xw, and the things he said about her. It really speaks volumes about the type of person he is and his level of emotional maturity no matter which way you look at it. Either he was lying about her and used the lies as justification for leaving her or he is an idiot who having got married for the wrong reasons, has not been able to accept any responsibility for it and the subsequent fall out.

1.5 years is a not insignificant amount of time to spend with someone, but you don't have children and are very young. You also sound like you have a lot going for you careerwise. Why do you need to be with an emotionally bereft man like is (and at this age it's unlikely he'll change)? Let him go, and if he loves you, he'll be back and apologising for treating you in this way. You can do so much better than this. If it's like this after 1.5 yrs, when you should be head over heels still, I can assure you that it can only get much much worse. This is not a man who respects you OP.

I hope I haven't been too harsh - I know you must be hurting.

Yes you did - he was meant to be back around 9 and he got in at 6.30am, apparently for me to expect something else was controlling. HE has a point with that though, I go out over night a lot and wouldn't want him to feel he can't do things - trust is important.

He used to be so supportive in every way, he was just so wonderful, I love(d) him so much. I think you have a point about his XW - I also have to be honest to myself and take responsibility for that because even though their relationship had broken down, I was definitely a catalyst. We went on 2 dates and he left her, I told him not to and that I wouldn't be involved with someone who was married but I was also 21, obsessed with him and he was so adamant that it was over. She is 45, I think, and I hate to think what sort of person this all makes me. Perhaps I deserve to feel so utterly empty, sad etc. I don't know. NPD is a definite idea to explain him, he has never experienced real suffering and has always been the golden child who wins at everything, is loved by all, has never been dumped, amazing career etfc. Partly why I loved him. God I am so sad - the brown stuff thank you so much for your words, this is all really helping me a lot

I am worried by the number of times you say stuff like you 'deserve' this and how you tend to justify his behaviour.

You keep saying how wonderful he is but, honestly, he is not coming across that way at all.

TheBrownStuff is right..In a healthy relationship you get much more mutual support and respect.

I know. It's because I love him so much and want to fix it - if I recognise what my part has been I can resolve it. I'm not usually this pathetic but I love him and I feel so so sad.

Hi Happiest. So sorry for what you're going through, I posted on your old thread, and have been through an uncannily similar series of events with my now-ex P in the same timeframe.

The first thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself. It is obvious to anyone that he doesn't really feel stifled by your love FGS, or think you're shagging your friend. Or at least, if he does he is bonkers and not suitable for such a nice-sounding woman as yourself. He is determined to break up the relationship by hook or by crook, preferably in a way that will leave him with a half-decent sob story. I re-read the other thread and he said that his wife was seeing someone else when you met. Sorry to say this but I'll bet he'll be telling sympathetic women that you were doing the same. :(

I am a couple of weeks on from this now and just want to let you know that you will be alright. TBH it helps that my ex-P is a fundamentally alright man who told the truth in the end about what was going on in his head. Maybe you can persuade yours to do the same but don't hold your breath.

Don't let yourself get into a cycle of positive thoughts about your relationship and how it was/might have been. Instead focus on the childish delicacy of this man - you had a bad smear and he thought you were leaning on him too much. OH FUCK OFF is now a response you can give voice to. Think of all the things you don't like about him, or that have always annoyed you. Well, no more.

He's a dick and you're well rid. Now you need to sort yourself out so you don;t keep on thinking that you need to have/keep a partner at all costs.
Women are generally happier and better off single anyway.

I quite like being single, I'm going to embrace it but I just love him so much.

I know this sounds naff but you really very young to know that this is your soul mate (just read through your last thread) when you can hardly know who you are yet.

I am also a little bothered that this man was your university lecturer (have I got that right?). If so, this seems like an abuse of power on his part and suggests dubious moral code.

I agree with Elephants..I am certain that what he tells you is not entirely the truth and that he is trying to end the relationship by coming out looking good.

sorry still don't understand why he is so nice.

Yeah I know you love him so much :(

But it will wear off, eventually. You'll get to the anger stage at some point. TBH you must have been 20ish when you met, and must have seemed so fresh, problem-free and appealing to him. Do you ever see students now? I'm only a few years older than you and they look incredibly young to me. 18 months on and he has probably realised you are a real person who sometimes has real problems, problems wich he might actually be asked to do something about, practically or emotionally. He probably feels he has been cheated. That his practically teenage girlfriend (made him feel teenage too, I'll bet) is actually a WOMAN.