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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

he's gone

51 replies

happiestblonde · 22/01/2011 20:05

DP just left. After a month of shite and more problems arising in his mind after we fixed the former ones (I don't believe they exist, I think he finds splitting his life between 2 locations too hard and has never suffered tragedy so bailed) he has gone. I saw the first ones, he was right, it had become too insular and I had become a bit needy which is not my standard mind set - we sorted that, I've been so much happier and rediscovered friends, gym etc - but also became a bit cagey with him and self-protective because he essentially shattered by heart 2 days after a perfect weekend in Venice. We get on so well day to day, never ever bickered and never had an argument in a year and a half or more until October then suddenly things fell to pieces. He now thinsk I'm having either a full blown affair or EA with a friend because of ommission (I don't mention him and we talk a lot) - I don't know why I've been this way but the friendship is platonic, it's just been nice to be able to speak to someone since my best friend disappeared in DP and he turned into a distant, cold person. This probably doesn't make sense, sorry, tears are stopping me seeing or thinking, but basically I came home last night after drinks with friends, he blew up at me so I left and went to this other man's house because he happens to live with a close friend and totally innocently slept on their sofa. I can't handle one day he loves me the next he still loves me but is unsure if it will ever work for whatever issues, it's made me so scared to trust him and have blocked him out a bit, but I do love him and now he has left. Sorry this makes no sense. I have a bottle of wine and loud music, and a lot of tissues.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/01/2011 20:39

How long did you know him before you got together?

GroovyGretel · 23/01/2011 20:52

Happiest Blonde, I just wanted to add that you will, in a couple of years, look back and think to yourself "thank fuck that finished".

Like me, I am sure that there are others on here who spent their early 20s with complete dickwads having thought it was a way to happiness.

True happiness comes from pleasing yourself. And then finding someone else who also wants to please you.

happiestblonde · 23/01/2011 20:57

He taught me for a year, we got together the night of my last exam - he is 9 years older than me.

It doesn't sound like this but I am genuinely happy usually and life is great but I thought we would stay together, have kids etc etc. It's a shock to say the least.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/01/2011 21:02

You're sounding a bit better already, happiest. I can't tell you how much I "get" what you're going through. I've had friends on 'sobwatch' to ring me up regularly and check I'm not snivelling myself to a bad end.

Listen, my your life will be great, he really really REALLY wasn't the man I you thought he was, and there is far better out there for me you. Just be grateful that you found out what a selfish, arsey, suspicious, jealous, vacancy of a man he is now, rather than when you are tied to him for life with a child.

happiestblonde · 23/01/2011 21:13

Yeah I have a friend here and feeling a bit better. I am open to being single, I'm early 20s live in London work in the city etc and life is otherwise good. I love him but he is the source of all my unhappiness and has made me feel so awful about myself. The actual moving process will be shite and I miss him so much already.

Elephants I hope you're alright.

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MigratingCoconuts · 23/01/2011 21:14

I see you got together when he technically would not be in breach of any job code. however, his being your lecturer for a year meant that there would have been an inbalance of power in the relationship, and that feels wrong to me. his mistake, not yours Smile

I completely understand how sad you feel now at the loss of your love but you will not always see it like this

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/01/2011 21:16

Tch, I'm fine :)

"he is the source of all my unhappiness and has made me feel so awful about myself" - that's a key realisation, isn't it? I thought DP was helping me with my self-esteem, but tbh I feel better without him in many ways. Hungering for affection/appreciation/support from someone who's just not quite going to give it to you is a fastlane to misery, IM-newly-formed-O.

Have you got somewhere to move to?

happiestblonde · 23/01/2011 21:20

No, no idea where I'm going to go. Family is in Surrey but I need to be in London, ideally I want to live with a girl or 2 and just have a lot of fun fuck a load of bankers - joke, entirely.

It's pretty difficult yeah, knowing you love someone but they are distant and your best friend is no longer that person they become the enemy in a sense because you have to fight for love. I want it to go back to how it was, I have never been happier than then but he isn't willing to fix things which I guess says a lot.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/01/2011 21:26

Ha, that's really funny, I have been making jokes about taking the chance to sleep around while it's on offer! Having thought I would never sleep with anyone else again, I am now relishing the thought albeit in a vague abstract way atm.

Don't have sex with bankers though. I used to live with some, and am friends with several others, and just wouldn't go there! Unless you want to shag someone who shouts "ooh yesss [hisname] you are the fucking dog's bollocks!" when coming. I did make that up but judging by the bankers I know it's probably not far from the truth. :o

MigratingCoconuts · 23/01/2011 21:39
Grin
happiestblonde · 23/01/2011 21:56

I work in politics - believe me they cannot be worse than politicos.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/01/2011 23:41

That's just scaring me about politicos! Are we talking MPs or civil service types? The mind boggles, frankly.

Did your friend fit you up with a bottle of wine and lots of rude jokes?

RitaLynn · 24/01/2011 09:30

Happiestblonde,

You're definitely better off without him. Everything you posted about this relationship sounded bad, and if I'm being honest, you seemed a little in denial, and it was obvious the relationship was doomed. (Sorry if that sounded harsh, but it was what I picked up as a random stranger on the internet).

happiestblonde · 24/01/2011 10:22

MPs, journos, Parliament staff etc. I'd never go anywhere near them.

He's coming back Wednesday so we can talk. I'm in 2 minds.

IF I can even get him to try then a) ill be with someone who doesn't trust me b) probably have to end the other friendship or at least cut a lot of contact c) I'll constantly be on edge for the next time he changes his mind d) I'm so, so tired of this and the love feels tarnished e) he thinks we have big problems and once that rhetoric starts it's hard to go back.

But if we don't I could lose someone I love so much, the only person I've ever loved and potentially my future with my favourite person on earth.

Help :(

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RitaLynn · 24/01/2011 10:33

Happiestblonde,

I'm a random person on the internet, and so I don't know anything about your relationship, but what I remember is this.

He left his unhappy marriage for you
He was your university tutor and is quite a bit older than you (9 years not so big at 40, but at 22?)
He left in December, he left in January.

At 22, I think you should chalk this one up to experience. You sound as if you do love him but in the long run, everything sounds wrong about this relationship.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 24/01/2011 16:42

You know the answer really though. He may be your favourite person on earth, but if was not such a fuckwit the right person for you, he'd be making your life easier, not so much harder.

Good post Rita.

happiestblonde · 24/01/2011 18:07

I know this. I think I've painted him as worse than he is, he's actually pretty wonderful and I was needy before Christmas and now I guess I have been spending too much time with this friend and should have been more open about my relationship (platonic) with him. DP isn't really speaking to me, I don't know whether to make solid plans to move out (or have anywhere to go) and have spent most of today at work trying not to cry in public.

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MigratingCoconuts · 24/01/2011 19:41

As I have said before, I am failing to see anything wonderful about him.Sad

You have given specific examples (both overtly and some by inference) of ways he is a bit of a prat but absolutely no specifics as to how he is wonderful. You just say he is.

Its give the impression to us wed-strangers that you are in love with the idea of a 'him' but not realistically seeing that this isn't what he is really like.

If you see what I mean....

happiestblonde · 24/01/2011 21:19

I don't know anymore. I haven't heard from him today despite him knowing the hideous mental state I'm in. I just went to the gym for 2 hours and ran til it hurt so something else hurt aside my insides. It's a horrible physical pain and being in the house without him isn't good.

I don't want to list the good things - he just made me so happy for so long when I hadn't really been in that way ever before. He essentially filled a hole (no pun...) and made me feel whole for the first time since I was very young. He was my best friend, he made me smile and laugh every hour of the day and looked after me so well. Not so now.

Really should change screenname.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 24/01/2011 21:42

I've followed your story too OP and I have to say, I've never altered my conclusion, even from before your most recent threads.

A man who waits until a new love interest turns up to leave his marriage, is rarely a sound proposition. I can't remember if you ever cross-checked his account of a dead marriage with the wife he left, but in essence, he sounds like a walking cliche - leaving his wife for a young student.

Regardless of your post-graduate status, there is an imbalance of power when a tutor gets involved with a former student. This is further evidenced by the awe in which you seem to regard him, despite the flaws that many of us can see here most vividly.

His behaviour is astonishingly controlling and I suspect he knows that he would not be able to get away with it, were he in a relationship with a woman closer to his age.

I think with the benefit of hindsight and a few more years, you will look back on this relationship with some distaste, as well as sadness that your own naivety allowed you to collude in infidelity.

Cut your losses with this man and spend some time on your own being single and enjoying your youth. Discuss the relationship with people close to you, who can give you an objective view about this relationship. I imagine that family and friends have been harbouring concerns for ages and will be relieved of the opportunity to share their disquiet.

I imagine if you were to keep tabs on this man (not advisable, but easy to do) you will find that he will have several more relationships with young women who are easier to manipulate and control - and who will hero worship him, until they have no life and friends of their own. The moment they rebel, if they do, he will behave exactly as he did with you. Pity them - and warn them if you can.

happiestblonde · 24/01/2011 22:02

I just don't think this is true though, the fact I was a student never caused any issues and it never felt like there was a power imbalance. Is that more naivety? I can't stress enough how happy we were for such a long time.

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happiestblonde · 24/01/2011 22:04

More importantly, how do I get through this sadness? It is so, so painful.

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thebrownstuff · 25/01/2011 13:23

wwifn speaks sense.

Happiest, a year and a half is not a long time tbh. It will be hard for a little while but you'll be fine - not what you want to hear but much worse has happened.

Now, stop moping, delete his number and get out there - work on your career, your friends and enjoy yourself!

Best of luck.

MigratingCoconuts · 25/01/2011 17:24

WWIFN is now saying everything that I have been trying to tell you too. I just don't think you are ready to hear all this yet.

Until you are in a place to accept the excellent advice you have been getting from all sorts of people here, I suspect you will continue to beat yourself up in this relationship and go on blaming yourself for his shortcomings.

Good luck with this, my heart goes out to you...come back when you need advice that you are ready to hear.

thebrownstuff · 25/01/2011 19:36

I agree with MC Grin hope you get to a place where you can hear the adviceSmile

With time and age you'll gain the wisdom to see this relationship for what it is. Many of us have been around and can tell you that sadly, these things follow a well known script. You'l begin to recognise it one day.