Is anyone else DP/DH irresponsible ?

[joanne34]

Just wanted to know if anyone else's DP/DH is irresponsible and quite honestly useless ?

x posted with you
thought he was

You tell him what you will and will not accept. You don't want or need a third child. You don't want a 'partner' who is out clubbing until god knows what time, spending money the family could use.

If he cannot, or will not, live up to these (fairly average) requirements, he leaves.

I doubt you will really notice.

Joanne

His upbringing taught him some damaging lessons re relationships - as did yours.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I would appreciate an answer to that question. You need to be honest with your own self here.

His "positive" points are only what is to be expected really as a father; what does he do for you exactly?. How does this man meet your emotional needs?.

Both of you are now imparting your children damaging lessons as did your parents for both of you years ago.

You really do not need another selfish inconsiderate manchild to parent and or nag. You have children, you do not need such a manchild as well. You will resent him and yourself for putting up with it for so long.

Your mum always pandered to your Dad - and now you are doing the same re your man with predictable result. He is walking all over you and taking you for a fool. You think he respects you - no he does not. You may as well have doormat written on your forehead:( because he is also treating you as you are allowing yourself to be treated.

He has a normal office job.
He is still at 35, very student like.
He wanted to be a comedian once.
He has a love for all things bicycle related ( at least thats harmless ! )

He has severe dyslexia or basically is in a certain top ? percentile.... I wondered if this was a cause too ?

He is always late.... never stresses or rushes. ( iam opposite )

"Yes I want to spend the rest of my life with him, he is very intelligent and fun to be with ( hence the big kid )"

And that comment of yours Joanne is so fatuous it breaks my heart. Your sights are so very low as is undoubtedly your self esteem and worth. Do you not think you can do better.

You seem to have gone from one poor relationship into yet another:(. I would say to you love your own self for a change.

So what are you getting out of this relationship exactly?.

A 35 year old student like manchild is not an attractive prospect nor dare I say one actually suited to fatherhood and family life. Actions speak louder than words and frankly I don't think he gives a damn about you all at home.

Either accept that you have a selfish party animal as a partner, or get rid of him. There is no magic button that is going to make him change.
I would strongly suggest that you look into your financial/legal position - for instance, whose name is your home in? Yours, his or joing? Is it rented or on a mortgage?
If the home is in his name and you are not married then it might be best to work out what kind of home you could afford to rent/buy for yourself and DC, and what maintenance he would have to give you (he would only be obliged to pay maintenance for the child who is his BTW).
ANd then tell him that you are neither his mum nor his landlady and he can either shape up or he's dumped.

Mind you, I would have dumped him anyway for not giving the sick child Calpol. Is he irredeemably stupid, a hippy dipshit who doesn't believe in 'Western chemical medicine maaaaan', or was it an attempt to punish you for leaving him in charge of the DC?

A passive/aggressive attempt to make you see that he was so crap at looking after a sick child, you never again burden him with that responsibility? Or just genuinely crap..?

here are your choices...put up with him the way he is. at least he is there.

OR

lay down your rules. you might have to say you've put up with it but you are not anymore.

how would you like your life to be together? how can you imagine it? what is the acceptable level of going out that would still make you feel you were important to him?

no more empty threats. maybe a 3 strikes and your out rule. first time warn. second time tell him it is final warning and you mean it. third time he is definitely out.

Attila - What am I getting out of this relationship now ?

Not alot ! A babysitter for when I want to go swimming !

Emotional needs ?? Huh!?

The thing is lately the more he upsets me the worse I am reacting.... I keep telling him I hate him lately :(

I want to hurt him like he is hurting me inside ! Does that make sense ?

I swear alot, Im so angry alot. :(

I feel bad for acting like this, i know it is bad for the children.

Maybe its me ? If this one finishes, I wont bother again, no more men after this.

The hassle is not worth it. I said this in the beginning to him. He kept on chasing me to go out with him to commit to him, and now look ! I was right, I knew this would happen !

stuffing and nje - He has no malice, no malice toward me or anyone generally, just genuinely a bit rubbish.

I was wondering whether there are parenting courses he could go on... but as a rule I'd say he had a crap attitude towards certain things.... Im pretty sure a febrile convulsion would have woken him up ! Ejit !

Stuffing - The home is mortgaged jointly, everything is joint.

I know how it works going it alone, ive been there before. Not something I would choose to do again.

Attila- yes i do have low self esteem, I never used to, it happened along time ago i think.... i settled didnt i ?!!

I dont believe in fireworks...

I have to pick up ds1 now, I will catch up when I get home, if thats where I end up tonight..... thanks for replies so far X

Joanne,
"Attila - What am I getting out of this relationship now ?"
Not alot ! A babysitter for when I want to go swimming !

That's not much is it. No mention there of love, companionship, respect.

"Emotional needs ?? Huh!?
The thing is lately the more he upsets me the worse I am reacting.... I keep telling him I hate him lately"

Not surprised at all given his attitude and actions.

Think you need to focus on all the above actually with a view to separating from him and I never write that at all lightly. He is not giving anything at all to this relationship, just taking and taking you for a mug.

"I want to hurt him like he is hurting me inside ! Does that make sense ?"
Yes but revenge is a dish best served cold. You can do better than he, infact I would go as far to say you'd be all better off without him. Making a good life for yourself and your children would be a far better revenge.

"I swear alot, Im so angry alot.
"I feel bad for acting like this, i know it is bad for the children".

He is the root cause of your unhappiness and it will not do the children any good to see how this relationship is conducted. You are both currently teaching them damaging lessons.

Your call at the end of the day however.

And as for a parenting course, he does not need a parenting course (as if he'd ever go on one of those!)so much as a kick up his backside!. You allow him to do this and that's sad.

"Attila- yes i do have low self esteem, I never used to, it happened along time ago i think.... i settled didnt i ?!!"

Your mum pandered to your Dad, you saw that.

Not surprised to read that unfortunately.
Lowering of self esteem and worth is insidious in its onset and many do not notice till far later.

I think that yes you did settle and you went from one poor relationship into yet another one:(. He is not right for you either, he just takes and gives nothing back.

You can get your life back but you need to do the emotional work here (and it will be otugh going on occasion) to reclaim it. I would suggest you actually go on a Freedom course run by Womens Aid as this could well help you not make the same types of relationship errors again.

In response to the OP only: No.

Why would I marry/be with someone who was irresponsible and quite honestly useless?

I think you need Reality's advice - from someone who has been there. (her, not me)

This guy doesn't need a parenting course

He needs a personality transplant

His current one isn't compatible with being even a "good-enough" partner and father.

He is shit at it, tbqh

If he was a washing machine, you would have sent him back with the label "not fit for purpose"

Look, he's 35, you are not going to change him. Parenting courses, nagging, trying to get him to see it from your point of view.

He won't because here's a newsflash: he doesn't care. He doesn't even care enough to feed/change/medicate his ill baby. What.the.FUCK?!

If he cared, he'd respect you and his family and not behave the way he does.

So StuffingGold put it best, you have two choices: except life with a dicksmack party animal or split up.

AF

I agree, not fit for purpose. I can not believe that OP has left this dippy prat in charge of her ill baby all day

I wouldn't trust this prat to look after next door's pet hampster let alone one of my children. As for considering not returning home, what will you do OP, ring up every few hrs to ask him to check on your child. Pls, how silly. If I were you I'd go home, grab up my children, let him go out and ring a 24hr lock smith.

Sigh. You can't just change the locks against a partner who co-owns the home unless that person is a danger to other people living there. That he is lazy, selfish and a waste of space unfortunately doesn't give the OP the legal right to throw him out of the house.
Joanne, go and have a word with the CAB about where you stand WRT the house and separating: if it's in joint names then either one person must buy the other out or the house must be sold and the equity shared.
This man is not going to change quite simply because he doesn't want to. You say he pursued you: a good part of that would have been down to him wanting a 'woman' to look after him and like all cocklodgers he would have had an instinct for someone with lowish self esteem who really wanted to have a partner.

Alright, have read new responses.... this is not something I can just change over night, but you cant start a fire without a spark..... I think I have my flint now !

I came in and he was asleep with the baby. Once the baby woke, he proceeded to stay in bed so I started shouting..... he has since got up and started washing up etc and is now acting all matter of factly !

SGB, I know your right over changing the locks, but this man sounds so dippy, what exactly is he likley to do. Toddle off round his mates and doss down. it would certainly give him the shake up he needs.

Im not paying for a locksmith !

He is in a bad mood now, and looks like he wants to throttle me ! I think I have been winding him up, keeping on about stuff since I got in, so im staying quiet now

Joanne, had your DP remembered to give the child his antibiotics?

You can't allow a child to parent your children! As charming, funny, witty and sociable as he is, this is not a responsible adult with whom you can plan a future. He sounds like he is a liability.

nogreat - I dont want to ask him as i think he might explode, but I sent him a text at 14.25 reminding him to administer antibiotics, and he texted back half an hour later, that it had been done. So I think it was me reminding him.......