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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another cheating lying a*se has been kicked out. What the hell do I do now?

56 replies

Gwink · 18/01/2011 01:04

Can't quite believe I'm actually posting this - I never thought it would happen to us...

He's been caught out, largely thanks to the signs I learned about here. I've kicked him out tonight, but what the hell do I do now?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 18/01/2011 01:07

Jeez, I don't know. It's shit. Have you got friends or family in real life you can lean on?

Original poster
Gwink · 18/01/2011 01:11

My family are all nearby, but I just don't know how on earth I'm going to tell them. I've spoken to my only childless friend tonight, but she's got her own problems and I don't want to add to them.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 18/01/2011 01:12

I am so so sorry- you must be in bits.

Original poster
Gwink · 18/01/2011 01:13

I am crying as I type, but I also feel embarrassed about having to tell people - does that sound odd?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 18/01/2011 01:17

Not at all.

But please remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. He does, for sure, but all you need is some support, and you shouldn't let his actions cut you off from that.

Original poster
Gwink · 18/01/2011 01:19

Thank you BOF. I will tell them I suppose it just feels like it will be so final when I say the words.

I also know my mum will be majorly concerned about what the neighbours think.

OP posts:
YeahBut · 18/01/2011 01:19

No it doesn't sound odd. You don't actually have to tell anyone anything, you know, until you feel up to it. Give yourself a bit of time to process things.
Do you think you can work through this or is it all over, do you think?
Take care of yourself.

Original poster
Gwink · 18/01/2011 01:21

I thought yesterday that we could, but I uncovered more lies today and I just don't think I could ever trust him.

I can't bear the thought of telling our DD's.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 18/01/2011 01:25

It's late and I'm not an expert but I'm sure you'll get some good advice soon.

Feeling for, you, it WILL get better gwink - no need to be embarrassed x

Talk more?

mishymoshy · 18/01/2011 01:25

So what has he done?

How old are your children?

YeahBut · 18/01/2011 01:26

Well, their father should tell them (with you present and after you have agreed the script) as this situation is of his making. Don't let him foist that responsibility on you.

Original poster
Gwink · 18/01/2011 01:29

I don't want to go into lots of detail, but I caught him out days before he was meeting a female colleague at a conference having been constantly messaging eachother and sending expensive gifts. He lied repeatedly and until the end, only admitted what I could prove.

Our children are 2 and 4.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 18/01/2011 01:33

What a fucking shitbag Angry

tallwivglasses · 18/01/2011 01:37

Good old mn. It happened already.And there was me, worried I was the only one up still!

Thinking of you Gwink, I've got a feeling you'll do Absolutely Fine.

nice name too Smile x

Original poster
Gwink · 18/01/2011 01:37

We have been together for 18 years and I never thought he could do something like this. It just goes to prove that you can never be 100% sure.

He wants to come round tomorrow to talk, but I've told him I'll contact him.

You are right about making him tell the DD's but although I'm dreading it, I think I'd rather do it myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gwink · 18/01/2011 01:38

I should go to bed, but I don't think I'll sleep.

OP posts:
beijingaling · 18/01/2011 01:44

Poor you. No real advice but remember that you really are better off without him. Please also remember how many threads there are on mn of women kicking these shit bags out. Each and every one is happier and better for it.

tallwivglasses · 18/01/2011 01:45

18 years, oh god poor you Sad At least rest. I find radio 4 is enough to distract but can then send you to sleep.

mishymoshy · 18/01/2011 01:47

Are you sure it's worth ditching 18 years over a fling? Has he done it before?

Original poster
Gwink · 18/01/2011 01:53

I'm not sure about anything. He's a lovely man in all other respects. He's a fantastic father and a kind man. Then he chases after a 27 year old like a fool and only doesn't sleep with her because he gets caught. That's if I believe him.

I'm pretty certain nothing like this has happened before. I have a good nose for deceit and I just knew something wasn't right.

OP posts:
mishymoshy · 18/01/2011 01:58

Mid-life crisis?

Most people are probably going to disagree with me and say 'get rid of him' etc. but this takes serious thought. Your children are small, and both parents together is the ideal, whatever anyone says.

If no other flaws as you say, I say let him talk, try again, counselling etc. If he does it another time then he's just a player and there's no point unless you can put up with that sort of thing.

thumbdabwitch · 18/01/2011 02:03

Gwink - I don't in any way want to detract from your current situation and own pain, but if you read www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1083729-Husband-left-after-affair-but-want-him-back this thread and this, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1108141-HUSBAND-LEFT-AFTER-AN-AFFAIR-II-AM-MOVING-ON-WITHOUT-HIM its later counterpart, you will hopefully benefit hugely from the reams of advice given to Solost.

It will also be a useful guide to the patterns of behaviour that are likely to be played out by your H.

I am so very sorry to hear of another loose-dicked bloke chucking his life and family down the pan for a bit of fantasy. Well done for being strong about it.

He hasn't called this 27yo his "soulmate" yet, has he?

I am so :( for you. I hope you find the time to read the two threads I've linked to as they are full of some of the best knowledge and advice I have seen on MN so far.

Have an unMNly ((hug)) or two as well.

snowyweather · 18/01/2011 02:04

I'd be concerned that he did not spill the beans when you were on to him.

I'm so sorry for you and for your young children.

What is the age gap between him and the 27 year old?

Actually it does not matter, it must be total utter crap.

Original poster
Gwink · 18/01/2011 02:10

It's a 15 year age gap. No, he hasn't referred to her as his "soulmate" he has admitted that he was flattered and that he was probably being played for a fool.

He is certainly having some sort of crisis and I've been having operations and problems of my own so things have been difficult for a while.

I don't know if I could ever be happy with him again knowing what he has done. I do know our DD's will be devastated.

Thanks Thumb i'll have a read of those threads.

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 18/01/2011 02:11

yes, I would also be inclined to disbelieve any protestations of innocence, seeing that he has only admitted to the things that you can already prove. Doesn't sound hopeful.