Another cheating lying a*se has been kicked out. What the hell do I do now?

[Gwink]

Can't quite believe I'm actually posting this - I never thought it would happen to us...

He's been caught out, largely thanks to the signs I learned about here. I've kicked him out tonight, but what the hell do I do now?

Oh dear - you've been unwell as well? :(
Has he been feeling a touch unloved and suffering from a lack of attention?

He initially only admitted to what I could prove. In the end he admitted to sending 2 further gifts and admitted that a subsequent meeting had been arranged (prior to me finding out about the first). He had maintained all along that he was just flattered by the attention, nothing physical had happened nor would it happen. In the end he admitted that he probably would have slept with her. I had no way of knowing that. But he did seem surprised when I then told him to pack his bags .

I have a feeling that I now have the truth, but I'm not sure that intending to sleep with someone and making all of the preparations, but getting caught first is any better than actually having done it.

Thank you all for your support. Were else can you turn when you've kicked your OH out in the early hours? I really should get some sleep, I guess tomorrow will be a difficult day.

Thinking of you Gwink..let us know what happened x

Gwink - I don't think the threads Thumb suggested you read are necessarily relevant for you. The scenario there is where Solo's H left and chose to be with the OW. Your scenario sounds like it could be much more like mine and WWIFN's - where a man is offered an opportunity and takes it without the OW meaning anything much to him (certainly not as much as his DW and family)and without thinking through the consequences of his actions. There can be all sorts of reasons why someone gives in to temptation (and of course I'm not condoning it)- flattery, chasing after lost youth and feelings of excitement. It doesn't necessarily mean he has any strong feelings for the other woman, he could just be trying to recapture something within himself. I know from personal experience that this doesn't make it any easier to stomach but, depending on how you both feel about each other, it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.

thinking of you gwink

I second humb's advice to read those threads

they are very long, but they will give you support and pointers to what to look for and how to deal with the fall out

my own personal advice to you would be that at 2 and 4 your children will be very resilient and quickly accept a new status quo

if you gave him another chance and he either did it again, or in a couple of years you realised a r'ship without trust was something you couldn't live with, they will be more aware and more hurt, I think

but you don't have to decide anything yet

take some control, and make sure everything is at your own pace

don't be rushed/forced into anything

he will try some mighty emotional blackmail now, I guarantee it, but you keep your head screwed on, love x

thumb's advice

There was more than one reason I suggested Solost's threads to Gwink - one of which is to show her how things could be in a few months time. But - I don't think that Solost's H had that different motivations from those you have suggested here:
" without thinking through the consequences of his actions. There can be all sorts of reasons why someone gives in to temptation (and of course I'm not condoning it)- flattery, chasing after lost youth and feelings of excitement" - although Solost's H claims he has met his "soulmate", that appears to be a classic line used as an excuse for skipping out of the humdrum of normal family life.

So I stand by my recommendations as there is much useful stuff on those threads, even if it's not directly relevant in the context of circumstance.

yes, thumb, I agree

the practical advice and the heads-up about the script that these emotionally-incontinent half-wits follow is invaluable

So sorry Gwink. It seems from reading mn that few men are loyal. That's not true of coure, and please don't think you have to just accept his plea that nothing happened so it's all ok. The intent can be just as bad.

But as AF says, no need to decide anything now. I hope you have someone close in rl to confide in too. x

So sorry Gwink, I hope you are not feeling too awful today, you will get through this, it's been a tremendous shock that you have to process. Then you will be able to take stock and see what you have to do next.

Good call on the Solost threads Thumb!

Keep posting Gwink, we are here for you whenever you need us.

Hope you are ok today Gwink. Feelin' very sorry for you pain

AF is right, you don't have to decide anything yet and you need to take control.

Only do what feels right for you and your kids and get your anti bullshit radar at the ready.

How he reacts now is make or break for your relationship and there shouldn't be any quick fix...if it can be fixed at all.

I do have a friend who took her H back but it happened over a year and took a lot of prooving on his part.

I can see what catwalker means though, because there are so many different types of affair and the motivations for having one. Shirley Glass did some interesting research and concluded that when men are unfaithful for the first time in a long-term relationships, relational dissatisfaction is generally not the cause of it. However, what I have concluded is that the 3 most common affairs that occur when men are happy, are the feelings addict affair, the friendship affair and the romantic idiot affair.

Solost's situation falls very firmly into the latter category, whereas catwalker and I experienced the first. It really does matter to make the distinction, because the type of affair dictates the unfaithful party's basic character and values and capacity to change and re-commit to the relationship, should they get the chance.

That said, Solost's threads contain lots of advice about the scripts of affairs and how infidelity never happens in a vacuum and in common with all 3 types, they chart how this is about the unfaithful party's individual and lifestyle/societal vulnerability and not the marriage's.

Gwink if you are still reading this, what I would say to you is that you are in shock and several of us have been in your shoes. That means that life-changing decisions should not be made just yet and that it would be unwise to tell the children that you are splitting. Until you have heard more and established more facts, you don't have all the information with which to make a decision.

Happy to help if you come back and give us more information and thinking of you. It is a horrible place to be.

Thank you all. I didn't get much sleep, but I'm holding it together and I'm finding all of the help useful and comforting.

Other than my friend (who goes on holiday today), I still haven't told anyone. I really don't want to drag my family into this - they all think he's lovely (little do they know) but if we try to make things work I think I'd rather they never knew.

I'm doing more sleuthing today as I'm still not sure that I have the full story, and that lack of trust is the biggest problem.

You know your family best but I would reconsider that at some point.

They'll be there for you no matter what you decide to do. I couldn't have gone through my divorce without my family's support. If telling is difficult..do what I did, which was tell my bro and then get him to tell the others. Cut down on that bit of the pain

good luck with the sleuthing...hope you find out all you need to know and that the rest is not too painful

I would think carefully about who you tell. Family and friends can offer comfort in the short term, but in the long term, if you and H stay together, you might regret having told them. I told 3 people in RL and wish I hadn't told 2 of them as I was so disappointed by their lack of support/responses - one of them was my sister. A year on, I now wish neither of them knew what had happened.

I knew WWIFN would understand what I was trying to say!

I am still here! We are talking, more is coming out. WWIFN, your post makes lots of sense. I will update soon.

x

Gwink

Sorry :( It's beyond shitty isn't it.

I understand what you mean about your family and tbh until you have decided what to do, I do think it's better to limit who you talk to IRL. Share it with people who will make your life easier, both now and in the future whereas parents/family can make life more difficult IMO.

If there is more coming out than he's already told you - then really, are you prepared to believe he hasn't had sex with her?

Ok. First of all thanks to everyone. This support has been amazing and it's useful to get different perspectives on it. It's also good that on here people will say "Do you really believe he hasn't had sex with her?" whereas in real life they might bite their tongue.

I need to thank MN for alerting me to the clues or this might never have come out - In his case -
Sudden increase in personal grooming
Taking his phone to the toilet
Suddenly critical of me when he's normally kind
Moody in social gatherings when he's normally life and soul.

I started to check his phone/ FB etc and the same name kept on croppping up. I confronted him when I had kept hold of his phone late one night and she started sending messages. Nothing too damning, but my colleagues never texted me to say "night night" at 11pm.

He admitted an attraction and sending one mundane gift. I dug around and found evidence of an additional (expensive) gift. He then admitted to others and finally admitted that when they were to meet at the conference, something might well have happened.

I've gone through everything with a fine tooth comb (I used to be a detective before DC, so I'm pretty sure I've covered most things. I've checked his phone, lap-top, work receipts (I even phoned the hotels he's stayed at to check whether the rooms were double or twin ). He has given me access to his on-line accounts and I have checked his wallet for additional credit cards (god how did we get to this ).

I've called his bluff by demanding that he send her a suggestive text to see what response he gets and he agreed. I obviously stoped it before he pressed send.

He is utterly devastated and I am sure that is genuine. He has definitely been having some sort of crisis before this started with lots of pressure at work etc. We were not as close and he says he was flattered by the attention from a younger woman. I do not think there was any sort of deep connection between them - she works in a different country, so their meetings have been infrequent and I am as sure as I can be that nothing has happened physically between them. It is bad enough though that he has admitted that it probably would have if I hadn't sussed him.

I have decided not to tell my family at this point though I have told him I may. He has told his sister who is a battle-axe and has given him an earfull. I have confided in one good friend who I know I can trust and who will give me some straight talking.

He is sleeping on the sofa (the DC will be told because he snores) and we are going to have some counselling.

I'm sure some people will think I am a fool for taking him back in to the house. But I guess I want to try to make it work for the sake of the DC if nothing else. If we can't restore the love and respect then so be it, but at least we have tried.

Thanks again to everyone and wish me luck.

GOOD LUCK GWINK! I think it's important to try. Like someone else on mn said, anyone can be shitty and selfish and stupid once, and I'm trying to give my H a second chance too. (Third chances? Not so much, but hopefully won't come to that for either of us.) Good luck (again :) )

Thank you. Good luck to you and well done for making it through my last enormous post .

I'd celebrate the fact that he has been truthful enough to admit that had he not been rumbled, he would in all probability have had sex with her. That shows that he is not trying to run a defence of "I would never have gone through with it" and that he has more respect for your intelligence and for you generally.

It's possible that this was a feelings addiction affair, but as ever, beware of believing that this was solely relational in cause. There are always individual and lifestyle vulnerabilities to acknowledge and eradicate. A happy marriage is not an insurance policy against infidelity.

Good luck and come back if you get stuck, because at the moment you are in crisis mode and sooner or later, you might hit a bit of a wall.

I don't think you are a fool at all, I think you are very brave. Good luck.