husband has spent £25K on "partying" over last 12 months- advice please -

[Arkala]

I will try and keep this short. I would really appreciate advice on how we can try to stay together after this massive betrayal of trust towards me and our dc. And advice on how dh can get help.

We live in the sticks, dh works in london, creative industry, long commute and sometimes long hours. We have two dc 3 and 1.

He admitted two nights ago that he has run up £25k of debt over the last year on basically taking coke and drinking after work. Never at the weekend with the family, and he says no affair etc.

Needless to say we are now up shit creek finacially, but to be honest at this point my main concern is whether there is any way forward for us to stay together as a couple / family.

Dh is currently remorseful, has a gp appt booked, and i have asked him to look into NA. We have sat down re finances, he is calling credit companies today to discuss repayment. He has given me passwords etc to all accounts.

I have lurked a long time on relationships and like others before me can't believe i am now the one asking for help. I think i knew something was amiss but genuinely didn't suspect this.

Any advice greatfully recieved. Please be kind ( but truthful)

ps. NA wasn't for him but he did go for the first year. I thinking hearing other stories of losing everything scared the bejesus out of him.

I can't really add to what's already been said but you really need a sti check. See Gp or gum clinic for appt.

I have known users if coke to just get wired and drink alcohol, whereas others seek sexual highs too. I'm
not meaning an affair but a series of encounters.

Thanks again for the messages, opinions and info.

This needs to be brief but i wanted to say that i have identified a rl friend to open up to, so will do so next week.

Also just re the selling the house situation, regardless of the recent coke / debts thing, it really is the obly way forward if dh is to work closer to home and we are to regain our family priorities. The more i think about it the more i think this is what we should have done a few years ago rather than try to maintain an unrealistically high mortgage sustained only by a london wage.

Thank you again for the support and also the reality checks. And tellytubby i was particularly heartened to hear your story as you can imagine.

Hi Arkala

I am so pleased to hear that you've found someone to tell in RL. I hope that will be a big help to you. Make sure you don't put any gloss on it though, don't get into a pattern of covering for your DH. There's been enough deception so state the facts as they are so you can deal with it better as well.

People can be so hung up on house ownership. Renting sounds the right solution for you and may also make repaying the debts much more predictable. (i.e. when the washing machine breaks it's the landlord's problem, not a thing you suddenly have to find money for).

ENormaSnob, that's the kind of sexual thing I was thinking of too, not one OW or an affair. Something much more casual. Get tested Arkala

Very glad you have someone to confide in.

Just a brief update. Dh has told his parents, unfortunately they are not very emotionally intelligent and basically just changed the subject. I have told my parents our plan, admittedly with a gloss over the reasons i.e. Dh has got us into debt due to unhealthy socialising in london. Told my brother too and i'm sure he has read between the lines. They are all v supportive of us as a family and what we are trying to do.

I have decided i am going to draw up two lists. One detailing all the reasons why i am so hurt and the other of conditions and things i am going to insist on from now on.

I want to give dh the first list and keep as a reminder of how i feel now, so that i don't minimalise it in times to come, or allow him to. Aside from counselling though i don't want to keep banging on about this.

The second list will inxlude things like me being totally in control of finances, dh is going to get a cash only card, whatever money he would have recieved for personal spending will be going into an account to pay back the money paid off by the house sale - i think this will make me feel less like we have sold our home to pay drug debts, as pointed out by someone further up the thread.
Tt
Anyway, i am feeling strong about the plan, and hope that once counseling etc is in place i will feel our financial / emotional recovery plan is underway.

Thank you for the support.

It's good that other people know, and "overdid socialising in London" is fine - it doesn't gloss over the debt or the dishonesty. I think not making a coke habit public knowledge had something to recommend it. Your parents might think less of him for the wrong reason - it's not cocaine that did this to you, it's lying and stealing.

He is very lucky. I hope he knows that.

You sound great btw Arkala - strong, kind and sensible. Good luck!

Well done, Arkala.

Oh - and he can take a packed lunch to work.

Thank you for your kind words spidoody and mbc....funny you should say that nonno, he has just made his packed lunch for tomorrow, and mine!

Thank you for your kind words spidoody and mbc....funny you should say that nonno, he has just made his packed lunch for tomorrow, and mine!

Hi Arkala, I just wanted to add something to some of the advice you have received. I can see that you are taking control of the finances, and sorting out priorities which is great. However, my H ran up big debts on credit cards (no drugs though) and the advice I had was that you really need to look at why he felt it was OK to do this. Unless you address this, the problem will return again in the future.

I think it is interesting that you say your DH has run up these debts over the past year. How long has he been working in this industry? I bet it is longer than a year. So why is it that only in the last year this has become a problem? I also see that you have a 1 year old. Are the two linked? Has your DH been trying to 'escape' somehow? What changed for him in the past year that he felt it was OK to do this?

Please don't sweep away these questions in your desire to organise your finances and future. Good luck.

Good point FedUp

OP, My H is currently working on his issues; and he is doing really well. Drink, drugs, peer pressure all factored.

We are living apart so I can protect my two DC's, but so far so good.

There was/is debt too, which I found out a little after I left which was hard to take but the main thing has been the way in which he is dealing with with it. Truthfully. He is a broken man in recovery.

For us there are no guarantees. The lies and deceit I can not forgive. But I want my children to have, for want of a better word, a normal father.

I do wish you luck.

Does your DH still have his job? Reason for asking is that last year one of the senior people at my company was (effectively) fired for having a coke and drink problem, and encouraging others to indulge.

If he has been doing drugs with colleagues, I would suggest he cleans up his act. The last thing you need is for him to lose the job (with all the consequent difficulties in finding a new job) before he finds another one.

Good luck.

I just wanted to chuck my thoughts in with FedUp's excellent point. It seems possible there was some escapism in Mr. Arkala's expensive fun binge but also, I suspect, a lot of peer pressure. The implications that a new father might become boring, hen pecked, old before his time, etc, can be subtle but insistent. I saw a lot of my male colleagues succumb to this, despite their own regrets (the women tended not to have babies). It's all crap ime - a guy can quite reasonably switch to one pint before the 6:15 train with no major repercussions - but it feels as though you'll become ostracised from your team.

Some work groups can genuinely de-proritise a non-player, mind you. I've seen that happen too. You wouldn't find out until you'd tried it, but I believe such a workplace is not worth sticking with. There are books & courses on the advantages of pulling employees into an all-consuming net so the job REPLACES home, family and friends. It's the reason why top-flight bankers have personal managers / lifestyle assistants ... and it's sinister!

Some of the happiest meeja people I've met are those who moved to a provincial outfit. The professional challenges may be smaller, but the altered pace of life makes for greater personal satisfaction.

Thank you fed up and wooden for sharing your stories. And grace and other fed up for the comments.

I totally agree that it is vital to get to thebottom of why dh has done this. He has worked in the industy for ages however lots changed about a year ago, none of these are excuses but they are all things we have talked about over the last few days. In no particular order...

1. First year of dc2 has been hard to adjust to, neither dc sleeps wellso big sllep deficit

1. new role at work including stressful line management of dissaffected team

1. new hated boss at work, very demanding and unreasonable, even during paternity leave

1. probably a slight feeling of resentment that despite earning a good wage, money is tight particularly compared to young footloose colleagus with no families

obviously we should have pulled together to get thrpugh a rough year, i have dealt with it by just focusing on getting through the day and slumping in the eveni gs, dh has obviously done what he has done. Hopefully counselling will help resolve all the deep issues.

In answer to questions, he is not using, he still has job, and is talking to someone later this week about a london job working from home which would be amazing.

We have decided to wait until sept to sell house as mortgage deal ends then and if we can get a good deal we might be able to manage. Dh commited to getting first train home.

Overall we havve a long way to go but i ferl ok about things.

Sorry for mega post and crap typing.

I think your signs are very good :)
I hope things fall easily into place for you both; it'll be nice to be a couple (with kids - a family), won't it?

Oh grace you are so kind and have been so supportive, thank you.

It has been so helpful to talk things through on this thread, thank you all posters for your input and advice.

Start asap if you really need to sell the house. A shame to have to throw it away, but if you really feel you must, then start soon, research good agents, get packing and get necessary repairs and updates and painting done. Houses are not being snapped up any more. It's a buyers' market.