husband has spent £25K on "partying" over last 12 months- advice please -

[Arkala]

I will try and keep this short. I would really appreciate advice on how we can try to stay together after this massive betrayal of trust towards me and our dc. And advice on how dh can get help.

We live in the sticks, dh works in london, creative industry, long commute and sometimes long hours. We have two dc 3 and 1.

He admitted two nights ago that he has run up £25k of debt over the last year on basically taking coke and drinking after work. Never at the weekend with the family, and he says no affair etc.

Needless to say we are now up shit creek finacially, but to be honest at this point my main concern is whether there is any way forward for us to stay together as a couple / family.

Dh is currently remorseful, has a gp appt booked, and i have asked him to look into NA. We have sat down re finances, he is calling credit companies today to discuss repayment. He has given me passwords etc to all accounts.

I have lurked a long time on relationships and like others before me can't believe i am now the one asking for help. I think i knew something was amiss but genuinely didn't suspect this.

Any advice greatfully recieved. Please be kind ( but truthful)

Nanny I agree that he has lied.

I've been that party person too, although for me the effect was never to want to cheat. I know the "fuck it, doesn't matter" feeling, but never when it came to people I cared about, just other things. Maybe it has different effects on different people.

I do think it's tied in to the reasons why he's not spending enough time at home with family, which is a big red flag in itself.

I'm surprised so many of you seem to think infidelity is worse than stealing from your wife and children.

The betrayal here is as big as they come. He's prepared to lie and steal just to please himself. He's been utterly faithless. Sexual fidelity isn't the only kind.

Financial betrayal fucks a family up as much as sexual betrayal, if not more.

Spidookly I agree

Arkala, your husband has prioritized partying and doing drugs, rather than coming home to his family. Spending money he doesnt have.
I dont think you quite understand the magnitude of this.

Arkala - such a shock for you.

Can you stay with anyone and have a think about how/what should happen - just to get a clear perspective on everything? I don't want to say "leave him the bastard" but he does need some sort of reality check?

25k is an enormous amount of money to run up in a year(DPs and my debts amount to 20k and that's 7 years worth and mine includes 6k student loan!! )

I hope you are OK. What a horrible time :(

It may not mean much to you now but 25K invested carefully over the years would mean university for your DCs. Maryz is so right that you have possibly not yet experienced the tsunami your H's choices have brought upon you.

Get that credit check done (Equifax etc) and get a lawyer. And get tested for stds too. . He has been playing with fire with all that 'socialising' and you don't know if he's been burned. He is not likely to tell you. Ransack his computer and take his phone.

Thanks for all your replies and for the practical advice maryz.

I just wrote a long reply and lost it but here is the summary.

We had another chat last night. This major fuck up on dhs part has basically brought to the head a discussion re our life choices that we obviously should have had a while ago.

Working in london isnot working for us as a family. We cannot pay the mortgage, let alone the debts, without a london salary. This is due to us buying at the height of property boom btw not because we live in a mansion. Equally due to the commute dh physically cannot spend anytime with the dc mon to fri.

So we are going to discuss more but ourcurrent thoughts are.

1. Sell house and rent which is much much cheaper than mortgage.

1. Use proceeds of house sale to pay off debtsand also as deposit for smaller house in due course.

1. Dh find a job down here. Yes it will be at amuch reduced salary but it will mean a huge improvement in family time and qualiyt of family life.

1. This shift in priority will hopefully stop any future opportunitires for repeat behaviour, along with the counselling we plan to have.

1. I am going to take a long time to get over this but think the coke use has been a symptom of the seperate lives syndrome. I know it works for a lot of families but obviously not for ours.

Further comments are all appreciated and i will update when i can. Might not be til sunday.

P.s. I will insist on full access to phone andcomputer, my gut feeling is that there is not a woman involved. I have asked dh direct andhe knows the opportuniy to be honest has now been and gone. Any more disclosures and he is out.

So, we are going to d

Sounds like a sensible plan

if dh carries on with long commute and working inthe same place it would be extremely difficult to make the changes your family need him to make.

Sorry tohear you are having a crap time of it right now

I agree wholeheartedly with Spidookly.

I'm no stranger to coke either (haven't touched it for years but friends do and I too work in creative industry) but this is about a guy, a GROWN UP, who allowed himself to rack up debts and steal from his family.

My concern is definitely that this is the tip of the iceberg OP. I am sorry but I would bet my life another woman or women is involved. If only you could just get it all out of him right now and assess the 'damage' but unfortunately it is extremely unlikely he will tell you anything he doesn't have to or thinks you won't find out about.

You sound like you've got a good plan. And, as maryz says, if it doesn't work out you know you're strong enough to cope regardless.

My hunch too is that there is no woman involved, just silly partying. But he needs to figure out what made him do that in the first place - counselling is a good idea, but I think you mentioned that earlier (GP etc).

And he needs to seriously commit to rectifying the financial situation and the betrayal.

You sound very strong and lovely - good luck

I think in this industry it is very easy to spend £500 a week Lunches and dinners and drinks could account for that easily so the coke may not have been at the level you think.He has got himself into a spiral of debt and deception and now that he ahs come clean I think you should sell the house and start again as a reminder to him of what happens when you lie.I know lots of media types who have been where you are and come out the other side so there is hope.Some of my friends and I were living this sort of life in the late 80s and with taxis the odd gram of coke and meals out etc the money soons adds up and that was 20 yrs ago!I would keep the communication going and give him a chance.Coke is addictive and so is impressing your work mates!

Shame, his stupidity has lost you your house, the biggest asset you have.

But I respect that you are working so hard for your family. I hope he steps up to the mark and do the same.

You do realize, that if he doesnt, you will have lost your home, and he walks away debt free. Looking good with your money.

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. None if it is your fault, and you sound like a tremendously strong person in taking it on as a problem to be solved.

If he's in a creative industry, it's very possible his health insurance policy at work will cover residential rehab and psychiatric care, so at least paying for this needn't be an added burden for you all.

Also contact NABS - you can be anonymous. They have seen this situation and dealt with it a thousand times before.

Some of the most senior figures in the creative industries have had substance abuse problems, and sometimes they do and have changed, so this situation is not at all a dead loss. Yet.

I used to work in Central London as a web designer/developer in the late 90s - early 2000s and I know just how easy it is to spend loads of money just on pub lunches and after work drinks. Coke was easily avaialable but it never appealed to me (I was never even tempeted to try it), so that was never a problem. I was on a fairly good wage for those days, but even without the coke used to spend most of it on just living. And no, there was never anyone else involved, it was just socialising after a very high-pressure day at work.

I was married, but there were no children back then, but we weren't seeing too much of each other except at weekends. We moved out of London in 2002 and although I earn much less now (about a third of what I used to have) we're much happier and even found the time to have a little boy and be a proper family. I think the selling up and changing jobs idea is a great route to go down and you'll be much happier, though a fair bit poorer.

Arkala - I really hope you can work through this with him, if that is what you want. I would suggest that if he has got to enter any sort of debt management plan that you get rid of any joint accounts (should just be able to both sign a form at the bank to change accounts to sole name) and same for any joint finances. You don't want your credit rating messed up by this, and any problems getting another mortgage in the future. Good luck with everything, I'm glad to hear you have got a plan in mind for how to clear the debts

Do you really have to give up your house? Can you not sell and buy somewhere cheaper/smaller? It seems grossly unfair that you are basically giving up your biggest piece of financial security because of his stupidity

I think all the practical steps you plan to take sound sensible, but none of it will work without big time counselling for HIM. He needs to work out HIS issues.

Sorry you are going through all of this.

As for your questions on counselling. It's a postcode lottery. Some areas are starting to offer couples counselling under the government IAPT initiative, others are long off it, either way there will be a long, long wait to have it on NHS. However, no counsellor worth their salt would offer couples therapy if there is any chance your DH is still using regularly as it will totally screw up his ability to make use of therapy. What he needs to do first is to find a counsellor/therapist who will work with him on the addiction. There are usually NHS services for this but it will be on his medical record so he may want to think about the implications of that, on the other hand, doesn't look like there is the money to go privately. Is his company a big one? Most big companies have health insurance that allows a short counselling course and content will be confidential.

My experience of coke is that it makes one feel incredibly interesting and energetic (while to anyone on the outside of course, who is not high too, it makes you seem like an annoying, verbose, arrogant twat) so he really needs to look at how he can build his confidence and belief outside of being high. He also needs to look at how to destress without substances...and yes, he may have damaged his heart already with this level of use, it needs to be checked out.

I seem to have made this post all about your DH rather than about you - which is maybe a reflection of your life right now?

What is NA?

Quintess is right

if you sell your house and use the proceeds to pay off his debt you are fucking yourself (and your children) over financially to bail him out.

At the very least, whatever proceeds come from the house sale should be split in half with your half inaccessible by him.

You can't trust him right now.

You need a financial and emotional recovery plan and from now on his actions speak louder than his words. Only time will tell if you can get past this.

Make sure you have an accurate overview of his debts and acquire regular updates from organisations who do that kind of thing.

Work out how you can repay the debt, downsizing if you can is a good idea (nothing is off the table, he has lost the luxury of being adamant). Get debt counselling.

I can not stress this enough, you need support, tell someone in RL you trust. They will help you with perspective, because right now your only confidant is the person who did this to you. His selfish actions are proof that your needs and the needs of your children aren't as important as they should be.

He needs to fess-up to others, right now he has transferred a lot of the responsibility, worry, shame etc onto you, whilst maintaining the good boy image to others. In order to maintain his sobriety (yeah the drink too) he needs to be honest, counselling is vital. He needs to know why this happened and personally I really don't think staying in the same environment that contributed to the problem (contributed not caused) is a good idea, especially if no one knows about his problem. This isn't some blip, this is a huge f**king deal which has jeopardised your family so his remorse should come with a lot more than sorry.

Quite rightly you want answers but he may not have the insight or courage to give you that right now and so having a critical look at your behaviour is a natural step to fill the "how did this happen" void but it is way too early for that because it shifts focus away from the root which is your husband.

You sound strong and more than capable of getting through this but you need support.

Good luck and if talking to us helps that keep on doing so.

3 years ago my husband developed a coke habit. The sums were less but he still stole from me and the children. He too works in a creative industry. Runners would go out and buy coke for clients . It's amazing as it's seen as socially acceptable.

It's taken a few years but I trust him totally. He's completely transformed his life and is an amazing dad again.

He still works in the same industry but he cycles to work (we live in London) so has a good excuse not to drink and ride his bike. The peer pressure can be incredible.

There wasn't other women involved, it was all about the drugs and alcohol.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you.