husband has spent £25K on "partying" over last 12 months- advice please -

[Arkala]

I will try and keep this short. I would really appreciate advice on how we can try to stay together after this massive betrayal of trust towards me and our dc. And advice on how dh can get help.

We live in the sticks, dh works in london, creative industry, long commute and sometimes long hours. We have two dc 3 and 1.

He admitted two nights ago that he has run up £25k of debt over the last year on basically taking coke and drinking after work. Never at the weekend with the family, and he says no affair etc.

Needless to say we are now up shit creek finacially, but to be honest at this point my main concern is whether there is any way forward for us to stay together as a couple / family.

Dh is currently remorseful, has a gp appt booked, and i have asked him to look into NA. We have sat down re finances, he is calling credit companies today to discuss repayment. He has given me passwords etc to all accounts.

I have lurked a long time on relationships and like others before me can't believe i am now the one asking for help. I think i knew something was amiss but genuinely didn't suspect this.

Any advice greatfully recieved. Please be kind ( but truthful)

x-posted PL

I agree with Spidookly (separate your finances, impose conditions) and Maryz here - you can bet that a lot of what's coming from his lips is the coke talking and someone with a habit will say things he thinks you want to hear.

All posts are useful perfumed.

I do now have control over all the finances, have always dealt with household stuff so know that is all in order.

I know we need to sort out the different lives stuff, although realistcally jobs here pay about a third of what london does, so it might be a backwards step in terms of paying off our debts

How have things been between you since he told you?

Lemon actually in a way things have been ok. We have talked a lot about things, he says he feels relieved it is all out in the open as the stress of the secret has been massive.

A lot of what has been said he agrees with re changing to a more mature workplace, making sure everyone knows he has a family and that comes first. I think he knows he needs to change.

We have also talked a lot about or rea
lationship, although this is NO excuse for him i have been a bit of a weeknight sofa dweller over the past year what with a new baby, work etc and have taken our relationship for granted so i can see

Can i ask a question re splitting finances - how exactly do you do this?

and also re the gp, what help exactly should we / he be asking for...thanks for the counselling info above.

You only have the statements if the cards you know about. He has been very dishonest for a long time. It would be foolish to trust him now that he's been caught.

Also, putting your family in debt so you can feel like the big spender guy is not generosity. He is a spendthrift.

Yes true spidoody. I thought about getting one of those credit ratings things as they show all cards applied for i think.

I didn't really mean generosity as such. He said tonight he felt that he should be the first to get rounds etc as he is team leader, i think in a way he actually feels a bit socially anxious and the fun guy image is a front to cover that. Again not an excuse but i am just looking into things a lot as you can imagine.

Maryz i am sorry about your son. What sort of conditions would you reccommend?

Lemon i feel that everyhhing is now in the open. No surprises lurking or at least i hope not.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

and normally 'I'm a real share the blame' type.

This isn't you. He's going to encourage you to take on someone the blame to relieve a bit of his guilt. You're going to want to do this as it may help you to see him in a better light.

'Sofa-dweller' - pah! You had a new baby! Should you have been out on the razzle?

Plenty of women slide off the socialising when they've got small children. It would have been nice if he'd stuck around with you keeping you company on that sofa.

Yes, I can imagine.

But it is very self-serving of him to paint himself as the victim of his own good nature.

Nobody expects their boss to rack up 5 figure debts buying rounds of drink.

The victims here are the people he defrauded - you and your children. And you are not victims of his social awkwardness but of his greed, selfishness and dishonesty.

You love him, so you're focusing on his feelings about this. But he has totally shafted you and your kids. Deal with that, face that and acknowledge it. As perfumed said - face the enormity of what he's done. And stop covering it up.

You deserve support in the massive changes you're going to be forced to make because of his betrayal, and he does not deserve his good name.

You poor thing. What a shock. Having worked in the media for many years and seen this happen before, I have to say - how honest do you think he is being with you now? Someone who spends £25k on getting off their heads on a weeknight, almost every night it seems..I dunno. I just don't know if I can believe that he was faithful to you. I'm so sorry.

Yes thanks lemon for the support -i know and he knows he has spectacularly put a cloud over the first year of dc2's life.

Obviously i am in practical mode at the moment but i do feel like crying whenever i think about me struggling at home with the d and thinking he deserved a drink after work when actually he was totally priritising his coke friends over us

sorry for rubbish typing btw phone is a bit crap

Oh God, this is crap for you. Can you really not tell anyone?

I'm another who doesn't believe that women weren't involved. I think he was showing off with money, using coke and having sexual adventures.

I'm sorry to say it, because I think finding out your husband has been unfaithful is one of the most painful experiences in the world, but I really don't think that amount of money is spent with his mates.

One word of caution - if he goes to NA and stays there - you'll have lost him anyway.

Believe me please on this.

I actually think it's quite possible that he got himself into a cycle of socialising and being the generous man which easily spirals out of control..and that he himself is a bit sick of it and as he said, the guilt of the secret was getting to him and he was a bit glad to get caught out. I think this story is pretty likely tbh.

Saying that though, stopping isn't necessarily going to be easy, because it's a lifestyle thing. Coke can be an addictive crutch. He is going to need something else to devote his energies toward - family sounds like a good one (!), or maybe something else that conflicts like a physical goal of running a 10km or somthing (hard to want to take coke if you enjoy feeling healthy).

But the big question is why did he get into this situation in the first place? Yes he is in that environment, but he could have stopped after realising the debt he was getting into. I think the coke is the symptom of a bigger issue.

I actually feel positive about you (plural) being able to work through it, but I think he'll need to address the deeper causes.

Spidooly i know. I am focusing on my feelings, he knows i am still deciding how i want things to go, but i do try and think about how this has come to happen because i genuinely want to know. I fully ontend to get support for me as i know i need to put myself and the dc first.

Nanny i really think no affair. Not enough time in the day i think and weekend behaviour totally non suspicious ( i have read lots of relationdhip threads so am alert to extra phones etc)

I don't think coke necessarily goes hand in hand with cheating. And if you are giving it out freely to mates etc then yes, it can add up pretty damn quickly.

Thanks my brilliant career, and grace earlier. I am truely thankful for everyone's input but it is nuce to hear thatit isn't a total impossibility that we might make it through.

Bella i do believe you re na. I think it is probably addictive too.

But we need to get helpsomewhere as underlying reasons for this need to be sorted put in my opinion.

Off to bed noe. Truely thanks to you all.

Thanks Arkala for being so gracious.

My brother died suddenly at 46 due to coke. It created the most awful heart disease the doctor had seen in a man so young. What angers me about your dh is taking that risk with his health when he has dependents relying on him, little children and a wife at home while he is snorting the white stuff he cannot even afford.

Even before my brother's coke use, I depsised it because to me, a person who has to injest illegal white powder to have a personality and a good time is massively lacking in any attractive attributes. I simply could not fancy or admire someone who had to rely on a drug to feel good about themselves.

As the others said, he should have been hurrying home to spend precious time with his family before they were asleep and some down time with his wife. What seems strange to me is how cool you were with his lifestyle and late hours. Why have kids if you dont spend time with them? Bad enough he has a long commute but he compounded it by staying out. None of that behaviour says he is a committed family man, and that's why I feel your problems are more than simply financial.

I think it is totally possible he got into a mainly social thing with his work mates, yes@MBC.

But what, were there no women there at all, ever? Highly unlikely.

I've been the party person - I was that person for years. And once you are pissed, high on coke and in that 'fuck it, what she doesn't know won't hurt her' mode....what else can happen?

He has lied, lied, lied. I don't know if I could ever trust him again. That's not to say he doesn't deserve a second chance. But I'm not sure I could give it to him if I were the OP.

Keep us posted Arkala.

Hope you get a good night's sleep if possible.

Arkala, stop deluding yourself.

Once your husband has to start repaying his debts, your family finances will NO LONGER be in order. Who do you think will now pay your mortgage, your bills, your food and clothes, while HE repays his debts, with interest!?

In effect, you and your kids will be funding his coke habit.

What is 21% apr on 25k worth of credit card debt?

Your husband is a stupid fucking selfish idiot.

How you can even imagine life with him, while he has lied and snorted away your money, is beyond me. How you manage to not just throw him out, I dont know. I would despise a man who did this to me.

I agree with Spidookly, get a lawyer, and ensure you are separated from this mess. Kick his sorry arse out.

Leave him.

Twat.

And one day you will be with a man who will respect you and your children.