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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it OK for your husband to have a female friend

66 replies

basl · 13/01/2011 16:18

Long story and don't want to go into it too much but just wondered if i am being silly. In the middle of rather painful realisation that my husband and i have drifted apart. He had a small fling but tells me has a very close friend who he went to school with that he chats to and has been great at listening. He told me he has her number on his phone and felt he should tell me as she asked him out for lunch with a few other GIRL friends that he has recently got back in touch with and another guy. He said he couldn't do this and she was stunned he said. "Whats wrong with having a mate thats a girl she said "

I find this a bit hard to take but wondering if i am being a bit old fashioned. I have trust issues but he has openly admitted to this friendship, the girl is married with two children and he says he is in no way attracted to her but she is a great laugh and a good friend.

OP posts:

MoonUnitAlpha · 13/01/2011 16:20

My DP has several female friends - one in particular he has known for a decade, way before he met me, and he often goes round hers for a drink or to the pub.

emmyloulou · 13/01/2011 16:25

Yes of course.

Maybe him telling you and being open, is him knowing it possibly could have been more on his part and he is doing the sensible thing?

Maybe he thought all the confiding and shoulder to cry on malarky was getting in him too deep at his end, so knowing we can all be vunerable to cheating, he stepped back. Which is a good thing no?

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 16:26

This girl he has only got back in touch with since joining face book. I don't know the girl but know of her iykwm.

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ChessyEvans · 13/01/2011 16:27

I will get shot down for this (!) but I don't like my DH having female friends! He does have friends from school that he knew before we met and I'm fine with them - but I wouldn't expect him to go out with them without me. I'm a bit clingy insecure I suppose but I am of the school that don't believe men and women can be 'just friends'. My only male 'friends' are acquaintances who I would not go out for lunch etc with.

A female friend of mine has recently split up from her not-so-D H and has suddenly found that these so-called male friends of hers have ulterior motives -

I'm sure there will be many on here to say it is perfectly fine to have friends of the opposite sex and to have separate social lives with them. It's just not for me and I suppose that's what you have to decide -are you ok with it? If not, given the history you allude to, your DH should back right off and put you first. If she's just a friend then why would it bother him?

hopenglory · 13/01/2011 16:28

yes, he gets to have female friends, just the same as I have mates who are blokes

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 16:29

Its more the girls saying "no way you don't have any girl mates ahh" He said he was embarrassed about this and feels he has been leading a sheltered life.

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ChessyEvans · 13/01/2011 16:32

In fairness I don't think my DH would be interested in hanging around with a bunch of girls chatting away - unless they had an unnatural interest in rugby and lager!

cumbria81 · 13/01/2011 16:33

of course he can. Either you trust him or you don't.

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 16:34

Well this girl is a school teacher and very witty apparently. She has recently taken very ill and they have been on a few school reunions together just as mates you understand.

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Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 16:35

Cumbria its no so much trust as that went along time ago its more the am i being old fashioned? Should i move with the times

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emmyloulou · 13/01/2011 16:36

It's actually really normal to have friends of the opposite sex you know, it really is.

I have male friends, I go out to lunch with and who help me when DH is not here, say plumbing in a new washing machine.

Just because they have a cock does not mean they wat to shag me. I can honestly say, hand on heart I have never had one of my male friends try it on ever. I'm not ugly either

Yes like Cubria said you either trust him or you don't, you can't ban him having female friends forever more, whether he had an affair or not, he'll leave eventually.

Does not sound like you trust him to me. A lot of jealousy coming through in that last post.

ChessyEvans · 13/01/2011 16:41

What would he say if you said you weren't happy about it and asked him not to see her any more? Or asked to go along too (clearly not to a school reunion if you didn't go to the school!)

Maybe if you met her she wouldn't be the dazzling witty amazing listener he is making out!

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 16:41

LOL jealousy? yeah you could be right and i did contemplate posting this without the full story so yes i will take that comment on the chin. I have many male friends always have BUT my question really was directed at the fact it was kept secret and the fact i don't know the girl. I have lost trust in my husband way back but thats not the issue here i am trying to work out in my own head if this is unreasonable of me to be taken aback with this. Emmy My husband and i are due to seperate very soon this is not a question to build back my relationship more a get my hang ups sorted in my own head.

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Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 16:46

The thing is i could not even if i wanted to ask him to stop talking to someone as we have gone way beyond that. It was just a comment he made about he knew i wouldn't approve and so he kept a secret. Why would i not approve? I feel if it had been discussed and he said he was going to meet up with a couple of girls from school i would have felt different. He knows my male friends and has no problem.

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Cherrysourzncoke · 13/01/2011 16:47

Yes he has female friends and i must admit it doesn't thrill me as they are all young and single and have a tendency to forget he has me and the kids at home (ie texting or calling for a shoulder to cry on at stupid o clock waking baby or asking him out and expecting he'll just drop everything etc) he is naturally very friendly, very easy to talk to, very caring so girls love him (he is naive enough to think they don't fancy him but he's stunning so i'd wonder what was up with them if they didn't.) I do get a bit insecure now (post baby body not so hot) but i remind myself i trust him, that he loves and respects me and puts me first. If you trust him, i can't see the problem. Unless you don't trust him??

llareggub · 13/01/2011 16:47

I have a longstanding male friend, who I first met when we worked as temps together after graduating 15 years ago. We've supported each other through lots of things over the years and it makes me feel quite sad to think that one day, when he marries, we may not be "allowed" to be friends anymore.

I'm married, and I often see my friend without my husband. He sometimes comes along with us, but often we meet alone. I can guarantee that there are no romantic feels between us or any lingering sexual tension; we've been there, done that, a long time ago and it didn't work out.

It comes down to trust in the end. If my husband didn't trust me I'd know that there were bigger issues between us that would need to be dealt with.

emmyloulou · 13/01/2011 16:50

Obviously there are other much bigger issues here, if you are going to seperate anyway.

Yes it's normal to have friends of the opposite sex, not normal to be secret. But then if you aren't talking and are seperating it's not in context of a "normal" relationship ifyswim.

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 16:50

Oh dear i really did not mean this to be a trust thing more interested in stories of relationships where husbands go out on luches with girl mates and is everyone ok with that. The relation ship is over but i feel the comment that i would not understand has kind of stayed with me.

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LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 13/01/2011 16:50

Of course he should be allowed to have female friends.

Either you trust him or you don't. Either way, if he isn't trustworthy, you stopping him from choosing his own friends isn't going to help matters.

Ex girlfriends are a bit of a different matter, and understandably difficult for a current partner, but any adult should have the freedom to be friends with whomever they like. I gather he is an adult?

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 13/01/2011 16:53

My DH has a very close female friend. Tbh. he doesn't go for lunch with her per se, as she lives about an hour away and she has become a good friend of mine too, so we tend to do stuff together. That said, he has stayed at her house numerous times without me when I've not wanted to go out.

I hasn't occurred to me to be jealous, as I like and trust them both. If they wanted to sleep with one another, surely they would have done that before he and I met?

PenguinArmy · 13/01/2011 16:55

I always find this question insane.

I have gone away for weekend holidays with male mates. DH's idea of fun is not camping and mountaineering in Scotland.

DH's friends tend to be female, in fact his best 'man' was female. My best friend is also male.

I do feel that question was flipped to 'my husband won't let me have male friends' there would be a lot of people are in arms. I was gobsmacked to find that so many people on here think the same the you.

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 16:55

Keeping it a secret?? Oh my did i detect a bit of sarcasm there loopyloops lol. Never posted a question like this on MN and it is rather amusing to say the least.

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hidingmytrueidentity · 13/01/2011 16:56

Mine has more female friends than male. 2 are ex work colleagues and we do meet up as 3 families occasionally but they go out together every couple of months and usually get very drunk.

2 are fellow competitors in mixed sports teams. The sport he does has mixed pairs or mixed 5s. They both have partners- 1 partner also does the sport but in an all male team and the other like me has no interest. They go away to compete overnight and train together etc.

trice · 13/01/2011 16:56

My dh is allowed to have female friends but only if I am around. The same goes for my male friends. I don't want anyone to get the "wrong" idea and potentially embarrass themselves.

There is no such thing as a platonic friendship between a man and a woman IMO. There is always a hint of flirtation/attraction on one side or the other. At the end of the day we are all just sophisticated primates and it doesn't do to forget it.

Also if anyone is going to provide a shoulder to cry on it is going to be me.

Ormirian · 13/01/2011 16:57

Yes of course it is.

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