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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it OK for your husband to have a female friend

66 replies

basl · 13/01/2011 16:18

Long story and don't want to go into it too much but just wondered if i am being silly. In the middle of rather painful realisation that my husband and i have drifted apart. He had a small fling but tells me has a very close friend who he went to school with that he chats to and has been great at listening. He told me he has her number on his phone and felt he should tell me as she asked him out for lunch with a few other GIRL friends that he has recently got back in touch with and another guy. He said he couldn't do this and she was stunned he said. "Whats wrong with having a mate thats a girl she said "

I find this a bit hard to take but wondering if i am being a bit old fashioned. I have trust issues but he has openly admitted to this friendship, the girl is married with two children and he says he is in no way attracted to her but she is a great laugh and a good friend.

OP posts:

maxybrown · 13/01/2011 16:58

Hello having known the whole story - yes Basl it is normal and ok - though even i who think it is totally normal and acceptable would probably, if I am completely honest, feel a leetle bit jealous - but then I also know that my DH is crap at telling people no and an old flirt - cept he never sees anyone now as doesn't know anyone - so no issue anyway, but I digress sorry!

What I think is odd, considering everything is why he would mention it anyway - is it because he think you may accuse him of something?

As you know, I am still friends with my mad ex - but tbh, you would only have to meet him to know what a total fruit loop he is but we do have HUGE history together - think my DH is extremely accepting of that and tbh not sure I could be so if it were the other way round

But I think I'm missing the point somewhere here

maxybrown · 13/01/2011 16:59

AND a lot of the issues are "what i have been missing" wether that be a pint, a pencil or a girl.............friend. balls.

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 16:59

I clearly am rubbish at putting my point across and must admit reading it back doesn't sound so good. I just wanted a simple reply like Penguin as i feel i am maybe old fashioned regarding this and would never ever tell my husband who to go out with just he has never ever done it before and out of character so just wondered was i unreasonable to be a bit taken aback. Penguin you sound like this is a normal way of life for you and good on you but this is not the norm here.

OP posts:

emmyloulou · 13/01/2011 17:01

Why is it an issue it to you if you are seperating anyway?

maxybrown · 13/01/2011 17:02

trust me - my friendship with my ex IS very platonic, urgh!

maxybrown · 13/01/2011 17:04

Look basl, it's not the norm for your house - that doesn't make it right or wrong at all - just what has happened in your house and it's about new discoveries and a bit of blame thrown in. He is not a puppet, you are not Geppetto

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 17:06

Maxy we had a long talk last night about various things and decided to tell me his friend had suggested he watch as when my youngest is at nursery i may spread my wings and grab my life back. I asked what friend and he was reluctant to tell me then thought what the hell. I looked a bit stunned and he said "I knew you would react like that" He said he texts her now and then and is friends on FB and has asked him out for lunch. He was most upset that he said best not as really not the done thing. I asked "why not?" He has clearly not informed this friend of why it might not be such a cool thing to be seen out with a girl if i didn't know her or knew infact he was going out for lunch.
Am i making a pigs ear of this lol

OP posts:

WimpleOfTheBallet · 13/01/2011 17:06

My DH has some very old female friends and I am not at all uncomfortable ...they are both married and invites inclde us both...theyre HIS mates really but none would ever ask him to lunch without me too.

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 17:08

Few comments back Emmy i mentioned for my own piece of mind?? I am trying to work out if i am odd really to have thought of this in such a way.
Lol Maxy he most certainly is not a puppet

OP posts:

maxybrown · 13/01/2011 17:09

yup lol! Why I love you though.

Are you saying, he hasn't told her what happened and why you might react in that way?

maxybrown · 13/01/2011 17:10

Basl, you are not odd. There are a lot of emotions flying here and lack of trust and that affects how you think about certain things anyway as your jusdgement becomes clouded

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 17:10

I don't know this girl from adam so could not be invited. It was on a school reunion my husband met the girl he had an affair with and if i remember back then it was mostly girls and i never batted and eyelid when he said he was going. I just was taken about by the lunch suggestion and the fact it was to be kept a secret.

OP posts:

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 17:11

Off out to work now ladies and thanks for all your comments

OP posts:

maxybrown · 13/01/2011 17:12

And there you have the answer - "and the fact it was to be kept a secret" enjoy work, don;t let it nag at you - please guessing your very small package jas not arrived yet?

Original poster

basl · 13/01/2011 17:13

Lol maxy he has not told the friend about his affair and said he did not think it important. I suggested he should tell her and that would explain his reluctance to go??? He said he could do that

OP posts:

sjm123 · 13/01/2011 17:16

I have never had a problem with partners having female friends. Some of my oldest and closest friends are male and I honestly think having female friends makes a man a better partner.

I didn't like a couple of my ex's female friends, but that was because they were gobby old whorebags, and I would have disliked them whether they were his mates or not! A couple of his female mates I'm still quite friendly with even after we've split. I never had a problem with his spending time with them, and he never had a problem with me going off to gigs or clubs with my male mates.

Cherrysourzncoke · 13/01/2011 17:21

Trice it is the female friends calling my other half to cry on his shoulder when they've been dumped or whatever not the other way round. When he has problems i'm the only woman he shares them with.

kepler10b · 13/01/2011 17:29

did you not know about this friendship before you got married? i think finding out about your partner's friendships is all part of the 'courting' process. if it was pre-exisiting and unthreatening to you at the start of the relationship i don't see why there would be a problem now.

my OH was friends with a female colleague that i felt no threat from whatsoever. i think if there is any hint of sexual attraction, or a close friendship developes AFTER the relationship started that is different.

i had a male friend i ditched onced me and husband got serious becuase there had been moments of flirtation and snogging (not mentioned to him) and i didn't think it would be healthy to take that into my marriage.

maxybrown · 13/01/2011 17:46

Yes agree Basl, thought I had got it right somewhere

nicolamumof3 · 13/01/2011 18:52

oh basl i really really don't know tbh.

My dh works very long hours he moved here and left friends and family behind. He has made lots of new friends but still doesn't socialise much as he works such unsociable hours.

TBH neither of us socialise much seperately. I suppose we are each others best friend. And as soon as we get a chance to go out we like to spend our time together.

Saying that I could not imagine him enjoying the platonic company of another woman on their own? But that is just my DH. He is a real man's man. When we do go out seperately it is with our male (dh) and female (me) friends.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 13/01/2011 19:15

Yes it is fine and you can have a friendship without an agenda.

I lost my best male friend of 22 years due to a jealous woman and his inability to grow a pair and sort it out.

He was also best mates with my husband, if he hadn't have liked my husband I wouldn't have carried on dating him.

There never has been any sexuality or agenda, and frankly when she couldn't accept this it was insulting to my friendship, my trust and integrity, my family and my marriage.

snowpoint · 13/01/2011 19:32

Yes, even despite XH cheating on me with one of his, I still think in principle it's fine, as long as everyone feels comfortable with the situation.

DP has lots of female friends, I have no issue with that, as I also have lots of platonic male friends. As long as everyone is open and there aren't secrets or hidden crushes going on, I think it's fine and healthy!

Gay40 · 13/01/2011 20:48

I don't understand this.

For the people who think men and women cannot be friends (which I think is utter bollocks), how does it work for my end of the dance floor?

Does this mean I cannot be friends with any woman, straight or gay, for fear of an illicit shag? Nor a straight man because he will try to shag me as well??

Can I, in fact, only be friends with gay men?

elinorbellowed · 13/01/2011 20:50

DP has a couple of female friends that he sees sometimes with me, sometimes without. One is his ex, and while I am not always sure of her agenda, I trust him and wouldn't dream of stopping him. Two of my best friends are male and I frequently see them without DP. One is from before I met DP and one from after, through work. He has never expressed discomfort with this. We do have quite separate social lives, although we do stuff together as well. I don't think it's strange but if you can't trust each other I see why it can't work.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 13/01/2011 21:23

I agreegay40 that would leave your options limited!

I ended up being friends with a gay guy from work, and it has developed into a full friendship between my dh, and him and his partner.

My dh goes to gay clubs with the other partner when my mate wants a natter with me about our jobs...snore!

Last time they went out they were invited to join a guy for a threesome, i think he thought they were together because of the wedding rings etc, We, their other halves thought it was hysterical.

It would be totally offensive to assume that my friends can't keep their hands off my husband, and implausible, they are real lookers. Only kidding!

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