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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my husband cheat on me?

117 replies

TinyAK · 13/01/2011 02:11

I've just returned home from a 2 week holiday without my husband. When logging into my facebook account yesterday evening on my husband's laptop another person's email address popped up in the login box. I'd never heard this person's name before so I asked my husband who he/she was (the name could be a female or male). He said he didn't know this person. I asked him if anybody had been in our house when I was away and he said no. He said that it must be some kind of spam so I dropped the issue.

The thing is when I first came home I had this weird sense that somebody had been there, also there was a pile of my clothes for ironing that had been very neatly folded in the spare room. In nearly six years of marriage my husband has never ever folded my clothes like that.

Would really appreciate some advice especially on the facebook part.

Thanks!

OP posts:
kt14 · 13/01/2011 12:12

There could be a multitude of explanations for any of it, but as someone who's been through this kind of situation, I say, go with your instincts. If you had a strong sense that someone had been in the house, I bet they had been.

ledkr · 13/01/2011 12:13

ask him.I have been ridiculously insecure during my pg(am not normally)been with dh 4yrs and stil pretty much honey mooning.
On few occasions my mind has ran away with with itself and i ended up saying "mr ledkr,i noticed blah blah and i felt like you maybe up to something"he was surprised but very pleased to be able to put my mind at rest.
Is the name and year relevant?would it make it a girl his age?

QuintessentialShadows · 13/01/2011 12:22

Most women would not come home to shag somebody elses husband, and fold laundry, that is for sure.

CabbagefromaBaby · 13/01/2011 13:02

'79' might indicate a year of birth.

Do you know anyone born in 1979? Does he?

domeafavour · 13/01/2011 13:22

Quint, you might fold the laundry if you wanted to let the wife know there was an OW. Something that the wife would notice but the husband wouldn't.

CabbagefromaBaby · 13/01/2011 13:25

Many, many years ago during my own shamefully mismanaged youth I did visit the house of a MM and I did do masses of washing up.

at the time it just seemed like something to do, but I look back and think how horribly intrusive it was. Sad

I despise my younger self.

antlerqueen · 13/01/2011 16:57

If the person has put their settings so they can't be found on facebook, then they can't be found.

May i ask - are you using firefox?

If yes, firefox (if enabled) saves all passwords and you can find them under

tools - settings - privacy - saved passwords - show passwords.

Not saying it would be a good idea to log into somebody elses facebook/whatever, but if logged in you see that person is in contact with your husband.... well..

Mum72 · 13/01/2011 17:05

Not had time to read all the answers right now (will catch up later) but when I read your post it reminded me of my friend.

My friends (now ex) husband had a secret persona purely for internet chatting/dating.

He had been at it for about 3 years when she found out. When it all came out she found out from one of his OW that he had a false name and ID. When she was told what name he went by with his OW she realised it was a name she had seen many times on the home PC but had just dismissed it as she did not recognise it.

I hope I am wrong but one thing to maybe consider is perhaps no one else has been using your computer but maybe him - with a different name - for whatever reason.

atswimtwolengths · 13/01/2011 17:26

I think someone has been in your home. You say you thought this when you came home; we have a fine sense of something being wrong, don't you think? We might not be able to put a finger on what's wrong, but that intuition is usually right - or even always right, just that no evidence backs it up, sometimes.

Think back to where your clothes were. If they were on the bed or on a chair, then maybe they fell to the floor and the other person tidied them up automatically. A kind of "You can't just leave them on the floor! Here, I'll do them."

Obviously there was no cleaner as the house is still dusty.

Watch and wait would be my advice. Oh and try to get hold of his phone, too.

atswimtwolengths · 13/01/2011 17:26

Oh and I don't think the email address is one of his, used for internet chat. Why would he use a name when most people have an email with a nickname for that sort of thing?

domeafavour · 13/01/2011 18:55

I wasn't being flippant before about H changing the bedding. Maybe if I had known about MN back then I could have asked you and I wouldn't have married the wanker.

snowpoint · 13/01/2011 19:21

Agree with atswim, I wouldn't dismiss the folded clothes as a red herring at all. Your instincts are screaming at you for a reason.

I caught XH over something equally innocuous. There could be other explanations, but make sure you're convinced before you accept them.

Gather all the info you can, keep an eye on phone and bank statements too.

snowpoint · 13/01/2011 19:23

Bedding being changed while I was away for the weekend was a red flag for me too. No reason to suspect anything at that point, just that it was really unusual for XH to do that, particularly unprompted. It's the smallest of things which give them away sometimes.

atswimtwolengths · 13/01/2011 19:45

In a film, these things are called 'flashing arrows' - they did one on Corrie the other night when John Stape had murdered yet another person - the camera focused in on the two coffee cups.

Some people fold clothes, others wouldn't ever in a lifetime think of it. On its own, it's worthy of suspicion, but that together with a strange log in on his computer, would make me very, very suspicious.

perfumedlife · 13/01/2011 19:50

Wasn't it soup bowls? Grin

Always fancied being a private eye.

Monkeytoo · 13/01/2011 20:02

Can you check his email - know his password or could guess?

almostgrownup · 13/01/2011 20:10

Set up a different account on FB with a made-up name, then try searching for that email address again. If you have been blocked, that should get round it.

ledkr · 13/01/2011 21:53

i caught mine out with his phone bill,i actually had no idea whatsoever.I rang the number and a common girl answered.I hung up,got ds to call no again and while she answered i called dh-i heard his fucking ringtone!

CheckeredFlag · 13/01/2011 22:22

Domeafavour - he could have spilled his coffee in bed or something, I don't think an affair is an automatic conclusion unless there were other pointers too?

domeafavour · 13/01/2011 22:45

Ledkr that's clever, but sad.
Checkeredflag, I don't think he knows what the word faithful means.
He's the type that would have just left the coffee stain. He had previous from before we were married. I was pregnant Sad

snowcake · 14/01/2011 03:37

@ldkr, OMFG, what a nasty shock.

@domeafavour, changed bedding is always a red flag if you're over 10 and not likely to wet the bed anymore. I don't know your story and this is tinyAK's thread but it was many years ago, are you still with him? If no, I think I'd file it under ignore and move on. If yes, you could still bring it up. It doesn't have to crush your marriage but infidelity is always an indicator something isn't right and talking things over will help you grow as a couple. If however there is continued infidelity and heartache for you, then you should see if you might be happier without him. No one deserves to have their spirit crushed and self-esteem broken by the continued pain of being cheated on. x

snowcake · 14/01/2011 03:39

@tiny, are you okay?

Original poster
TinyAK · 14/01/2011 05:20

Thanks for all the replies - they are much appreciated. Um, no I'm not really OK Sad. I got some expert advice on the technical side. Because the email addresses are stored as cookies on the facebook login page, somebody has physically logged into facebook on that laptop, unless they had previously installed a quite sophisticated piece of technology on that laptop that enables a remote login. Since my husband hasn't taken his laptop outside, somebody has been in our house and husband is not being truthful about this. I'm now considering my next steps. Promise to update more soon.

OP posts:
snowcake · 14/01/2011 05:48

Good morning tiny, I know you are in distress, I meant the okay as in, please pop in and give us a life sign. I am so sorry you are going through this. You must feel as our if you can't believe reality because your H is denying facts. Trust your instincts, someone has been in your house. The human brain picks up tiny changes, a scent, mislaid items, etc and then you have a 'gut' feel of something being wrong. It's called intuition but really it is is your eyes seeing cues and your brain digesting them subconsciously.

Sorry for the ramble, but I want to say trust yourself. Don't let your H brainwash you.

Do you have any close neighbours? Can you ask them if anyone has been to your house? If they've seen a car parked there or watched a stranger around your house? I would get as much detail as you can from others before confronting your H. Also, an alias new FB account with a new email address sounds a good idea.

domeafavour · 14/01/2011 06:46

Sorry for hijack, I think I was just trying to say trust your instincts.
If I had done something about my situation years ago it could have saved a lot of heartache. We are just separating now so a bit raw. Sorry once again.
Tiny I hope you get this sorted out. I hope it's a silly lie from your husband and nothing important. Best of luck. X