Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found dh's messages to an 'ex' on FB, gutted.

91 replies

credulousidiot · 13/01/2011 00:04

Fairly 'regular' that has namechanged.

Just found some e-mails, utterly reeling.

He calls her in the space of one sentence, 'amazing', 'stunning', beautiful'.I wish I could say otherwise but I saw her photos and she pretty much is, I however am not.

Also calls her 'my beautiful X', X = her name. I just feel sick to the stomach, shaking and tearful.

He ends all the e-mails, I saw them all...'thinking of you beautiful', what? when he's with me??

I know this is the Ex he was with before me and that they had to split up as she moved away for family reasons and always suspected he had some residual feelings for her, but not enough to threaten me before now.

He mentions talking to her via webcam and possibly arranging his holidays to 'accidently' meet up with her!

Good news is that she lives in another country, albeit a fairly accesible European one. But that frankly means fuck all at the moment, I want to fucking kill him, he doesn't even know I know this, he left his Facebook open by accident I saw an unread message from her and then looked at the rest,not particlarly proud of it but that pales into insignificance in my mind.

Just don't know what to do, feel so utterly wretched but I don't think anything physical has happened 'yet', am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
CheerfulV · 13/01/2011 00:09

Didn't want to let you go unanswered. You're not overreacting at all and I would be devastated and shocked to my core as well. So sorry for you :(

If it's any consolation (it probably isn't) this is probably the worst it will ever get, emotionally, so it will be easier. It's a very shocking discovery and no wonder you are floored. However, after you've had some rest and some time to think (and hopefully hugs from RL people) you'll be better placed to deal with this. And to talk to him, once you've worked out how YOU feel and what YOU want, with all this in mind.
Take care, love.

PurpleHat · 13/01/2011 00:09

No, you are not overreacting at all
What are you planning to do?

So sorry that this is happening to you :(

pickgo · 13/01/2011 00:14

But this is an EX isn't it? A previous relationship BEFORE you got together?
I'm confused

ChippingIn · 13/01/2011 00:15

That's shit :(

No you are not over-reacting.

To me that is worse than a drunken one night stand.

If it was me...I'd pack him a bag, wake him up, hand him his car key (no house key on it) and point him at the front door - when he asks what the fuck - just say - leave go to your beautiful xxx. I no longer want you in my bed, my house or my life.

I've done my share of forgiving, working on getting over it, learning to trust again - never again. I'd say 98/100 times it happens again and the relationship you 'save' is not worth saving and it's certainly not worth the amount of heart ache that goes into saving it.

ChippingIn · 13/01/2011 00:16

Pickgo - do keep up. The person he is writing to is an Ex - he is writing that shit now while he's married to the OP.

Northernlurker · 13/01/2011 00:17

How long have you been together? Do you ahve children?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 13/01/2011 00:17

pickgo how do you not get it? he is calling her all these things NOW!!

Original poster
credulousidiot · 13/01/2011 00:17

Thank you for your replies, I know I am posting late..

I am anaesthetising (sp?) with wine, he has gone away for work but left his fb open like a twat.

Just cuold not have guessed I would feel this gutted at something that was not 'physical', but it's the INTENT that hurts, if she was here I have no doubt it would be physical.

Nothing like this has ever happened before, 'to my knowledge' :( Just feel so utterly stupid and mug-like.

OP posts:
GingerGlitterGoddess · 13/01/2011 00:18

pickgo I take it that the messages themselves are current even if the relationship is supposedly not :(

sorry OP how horrible for you. How long have you been together? Do you have DCs? Where is DH now?

Original poster
credulousidiot · 13/01/2011 00:18

Have 2 dcs, 12 and 9.

OP posts:
GingerGlitterGoddess · 13/01/2011 00:19

Sorry X posted with everyone

GingerGlitterGoddess · 13/01/2011 00:20

So this is an ex from YEARS ago then? good grief. I am so sorry, what a nightmare. How long is he away for?

Original poster
credulousidiot · 13/01/2011 00:22

He's away until early next week, and I'm sort of glad because I want to work out how to deal with this.

Atm am liking ChippingIn's outlook...

OP posts:
TheSleepFairy · 13/01/2011 00:23

Can you accidently leave his facebook page open for him to realize you have seen it?
C&P the facebook page to your own laptop & then leave it open.

This is why I don't participate in facebook, I am trying to look forward & the past would definatly distract me.

chubbymummy · 13/01/2011 00:24

Sorry you're having to go through this.
Has she sent similar messages back to him or is it one sided? Is your marriage generally happy? It could be that he's feeling old and wants his ego stroked.
The way I see it you have several options:

  1. Ignore it (not an option I could take myself!) but delete his Facebook account and act surprised when he says it's disappeared.
  2. Confront him about it and see what he had to say for himself.
  3. Contact her to see what her side of the story is Personally I would confront him, message her to see if het story matches up then insist he deletes and block her from his Facebook page (if I didn't kill him first).
fezsarecool · 13/01/2011 00:24

Maybe he left it open deliberately.

Sorry for what you are going through.

Men really do suck sometimes.

GingerGlitterGoddess · 13/01/2011 00:25

I would definitely be direct about it whatever you decide you want to do. Do you think this has been going on for the whole of your relationship?

GingerGlitterGoddess · 13/01/2011 00:26

fez makes a good point :(

Original poster
credulousidiot · 13/01/2011 00:33

Don't think he left it open deliberately, he rushed off for this work trip as he woke up late and left it open (on a laptop I don't normally use).

I'm on Fb too, but have not friended any exes!

I thought we were happy, have had fairly normal life stresses ( he was out of a job for a while so there was financial pressure)and were maybe arguing a bit more than normal but he is working again an I thought things were good!

Oh yes, she responded in kind to his flirting (I think she is married too), alluding to their previous physical relationship, and wanting to kiss him again, nice.

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 13/01/2011 00:40

So if your in his Facebook you could change his password til you decide what you want to do then change it back so you could monitor any incoming messages.

So sorry this is happening. Was her responses of the same nature

Original poster
credulousidiot · 13/01/2011 00:40

They only became 'friends' on fb six months ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
credulousidiot · 13/01/2011 00:41

Might do that Onadiet, thanks.

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 13/01/2011 00:41

Sorry just saw your reply.

Maybe not change password but print out messages- save them as he will delete them when he realised.

fezsarecool · 13/01/2011 00:44

I think you need to talk and ascertain whether he is thinking of heading away from the marriage long term or just trying to get away with a fling but intends to stay married (the cheek of that attitude).

Either way he needs to be scared back into reality by ideas of actual outcomes of such behaviour, moving away from the whole ego stroking - fantasy aspect.

ie - broken marriages, devastated children, lonely hotel rooms, guilt, financial changes, the fact she and he may not work out.

missalien · 13/01/2011 00:46

I would be straight and tell him you have seen the messages. Let him sweat while he is away he will shit himself.

Swipe left for the next trending thread