Just found dh's messages to an 'ex' on FB, gutted.

[credulousidiot]

Fairly 'regular' that has namechanged.

Just found some e-mails, utterly reeling.

He calls her in the space of one sentence, 'amazing', 'stunning', beautiful'.I wish I could say otherwise but I saw her photos and she pretty much is, I however am not.

Also calls her 'my beautiful X', X = her name. I just feel sick to the stomach, shaking and tearful.

He ends all the e-mails, I saw them all...'thinking of you beautiful', what? when he's with me??

I know this is the Ex he was with before me and that they had to split up as she moved away for family reasons and always suspected he had some residual feelings for her, but not enough to threaten me before now.

He mentions talking to her via webcam and possibly arranging his holidays to 'accidently' meet up with her!

Good news is that she lives in another country, albeit a fairly accesible European one. But that frankly means fuck all at the moment, I want to fucking kill him, he doesn't even know I know this, he left his Facebook open by accident I saw an unread message from her and then looked at the rest,not particlarly proud of it but that pales into insignificance in my mind.

Just don't know what to do, feel so utterly wretched but I don't think anything physical has happened 'yet', am I over-reacting?

Agree, print all messages. Unless you know his current password, you won't be able to change it.

What a knob. In my moment of rage, I'd have forwarded a memo for him onto wherever he was staying, simply saying "I hope your beautiful, stunning, amazing X was worth you losing everything. You cock."

Will do the printout thing, don't want him to know anything until I feel a bit more level-headed thank you for making me laugh SWBL

Could it be fantasy? You know plenty of people indulge in this crap without wanting to act on it.

I don't know how you haven't phoned him to accuse him..I have no self control and would be on the phone yelling.

I hope it all comes out ok.

Oh credulous, I really feel for you. It really hurts when the person you love and is supposed to love you exclusively says the sort of things to someone else that he usually says/or should be saying to you. I've been through similar with my now Ex (he was using those adult dating sites though not FB) and it would have hurt me less if he had brought someone home and shagged her in front of me. I don't know if that makes sense.

I agree with ChippingIn though, I gave my Ex so many chances and he just kept doing it again and again, and the effort and energy I put into saving the relationship was a waste and just not worth it. This might not be the case for you and your DH though, as there were various other issues with my Ex that just couldn't be resolved either.

please have some hugs from me though x

Keep your wigs on girls, I'm sorry I didn't understand properly.
So sorry for this Cred - must have been a really awful shock for you (not helped by my cretinous response).
You are not over-reacting at all.
I think you have got to confront him with this but it's good you've got a bit of time to collect yourself.
If things are otherwise okay then he will need to do whatever if takes to reassure you and to ear your trust again. I suppose that's what I'd want to assess - how willing he is to do that.
Look after yourself.

I will also be making sure that any joint finances were in order before tackling him. But I'm a cold hard bitch whose learnt from experience!

agree with tell him asap, keep a copy of them and don't feel pressured into anything.

i couldn't get past it myself, having a fb chat with an ex is one thing but this sounds like he has strong and unresolved feelings for her... maybe she feels the same, who knows but he's majorly betrayed you.

i wouldn't wait for him to get back to confront him though, i agree with make the fucker sweat.

I hope you didn't log out of his account

oooh, totally agree about the finances. good point OADCB.

This is horrible - I don't know what to say as I have been sitting here wondering what I would do..I think I would leave him, as I don't want my partner if he is in that kind of emotional relationship with someone else - but on the other hand, it may be a silly fantasy whilst you and he have had problems - I think you need to talk to your husband asap and get it out in the open.

FWIW, my partner and I had some issues and other people were beginning to get involved a bit - we went to RELATE when this was discovered - nothing too untoward had happened yet - and it really helped save our relationship because, as it turns out, we both wanted it to - it could've gone the other way.

If he has any passwords stored on firefox or crome go to tools>options> sercurity> show passswords, then you will be able to find out all his passwords and do as you see fit with that information

credulous - how sure are you that he is working and he is alone?

Him talking about arranging his holidays so that they coincide with hers, is taking it out of the realms of fantasy.

To quote ChippinIn:

"If it was me...I'd pack him a bag, wake him up, hand him his car key (no house key on it) and point him at the front door - when he asks what the fuck - just say - leave go to your beautiful xxx. I no longer want you in my bed, my house or my life".

I would totally do this.

I would also check her FB profile to see if she is married. if she has a DH listed, then I would also send the messages to him. I know if it was me, I would want to know. Or is that a step too far?

I think Chippin In has the right idea.

I would have his stuff in bin bags by the front door ready for when he returns home, change the locks, tell him he can see the kids on dates and times to suit you and kids, not let on when he is away and get legal advice, sort out finances etc.

The keeping secrets, the planning holidays to coincide and pouring his energy into telling her she is bautiful instead of his wife and the mother of his kids is all plain wrong, also I would not be surpirsed if he is not alone on this business trip either.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

Sorry this is happening Cred. I kn ow how it feels .

You should print out the messages as you won't be able to change his PW on FB without entering the old one and neither can you copy the link onto another computer.

Why don't you copy the messages to his email address and send him a note saying he can stay where he is, you don't want him to come anywhere near you and your kids, the lying scumbag.

Before you do this just make sure you have printed off the messages as he can change his password from another PC. I'd also be partial to writing the ex a quick message letting her know that you've seen the inappropriate exchange and would like her to refrain from contacting your DH and destroying your family.

cAN YOU FIND OUT the EX's hUSBANDS NAME? i'D SEND HIM all THEIR MESSAGES.

Do this first before you let anything out of the box!

Sorry, trying to sort PC out.

ChippingIn has a good point. Are you sure your DH is working where is supposed to be and that he's alone?

Block her as his friend, remove her from the blocked list.

He will think she has blocked him. Take a screenshot of the messages first though.

Surely if you remove someone from the block list, they are viewable again?

No, you block someone then they sit in a "blocked" list, just remove them from the list. It doesn't unblock them.

I wouldn't message the husband at this point...it could make thing about HER and nt about the OP.

OP I hope you are ok.

Poor you. How are you going to keep your cool when he calls while away on work? I don't think I'd be able to.

He's been an idiot, but like another MNer said, this might be stupid (very fucking stupid) "harmless" (in his stupid opinion) flirting, and the shock that you know may be enough for him to reign himself in and for the two of you to sort things out.

I think you're right to consider how you feel properly before you react.