Just found dh's messages to an 'ex' on FB, gutted.

[credulousidiot]

Fairly 'regular' that has namechanged.

Just found some e-mails, utterly reeling.

He calls her in the space of one sentence, 'amazing', 'stunning', beautiful'.I wish I could say otherwise but I saw her photos and she pretty much is, I however am not.

Also calls her 'my beautiful X', X = her name. I just feel sick to the stomach, shaking and tearful.

He ends all the e-mails, I saw them all...'thinking of you beautiful', what? when he's with me??

I know this is the Ex he was with before me and that they had to split up as she moved away for family reasons and always suspected he had some residual feelings for her, but not enough to threaten me before now.

He mentions talking to her via webcam and possibly arranging his holidays to 'accidently' meet up with her!

Good news is that she lives in another country, albeit a fairly accesible European one. But that frankly means fuck all at the moment, I want to fucking kill him, he doesn't even know I know this, he left his Facebook open by accident I saw an unread message from her and then looked at the rest,not particlarly proud of it but that pales into insignificance in my mind.

Just don't know what to do, feel so utterly wretched but I don't think anything physical has happened 'yet', am I over-reacting?

What a complete arsehole.
I have been through a similar situation so all I will say to you is don't do what I did!

I so wish I'd done this when I found out about my ex's affair, instead he came home to find a ranting, snivelling, snotty hysterical mess (no wonder he ran a mile ) and to this day there are still things I never found out, which I'm sure I could have if I'd played the long game IYSWIM.
I would advise you to bide your time and really think through your options and what you want to do, get all the paperwork etc ready and plans in place before he comes home.
Then confront him calmly and tell him to f off.
This way you can walk away with your dignity intact and your head held high.

I'm with ginnny there, with the keep calm and have a feeling that, should you show him where the door is, rather than getting all desperate and tearful and giving him the "I can't cope with this - I'm leaving" get out (which allows him to justify further contact with this woman) then you may find a truly contrite husband who thinks "shit! what HAVE I done here?!"

He may not but, losing it with him (and you have every right to do so!) may make him run for "confort".

You need to gather your information and think. And let him know you are considering whether his position is precarious!!

That's what I'd do. Take back some of the power!

None of this is your fault. he is behaving like an immature idiot. Kick him in to touch but do it face to face. Thinking of you x

I was going to mention that of course this woman is not ging to be as stunning as she was when he last saw her.

This has no bearing on anything except the fact that you should not be down on yourself for the impact that having his 2 children has had on your body!! This silly bint across the water has had children as well and unless she grew them in a test tube she will also be less perfect (and much much older) than when he last saw her..

And as for FB pics - well if you were judging me by my FB pics you would think I was a couple of decades and several stones lighter than I am. I only put the most self - deludingly flattering ones on there. As, I imagine, do lots of people.

Yes, don't beat yourself up - you need all your energy! They are the ones risking everything for a bit of fun. They are exes for a reason, remember. It might be worth asking him why they broke up (I'm hoping it might spark a memory he isn't too happy with might turn him off the idea).

You are certainly not alone.

My partner hurt me most by asking if he could use my laptop to Skype a "friend" the day before Xmas Eve. After 30 mins I could hear continuous giggling and went to the landing to snoop make sure he was still talking to someone and heard him telling her how she "could never be replaced" how he still loves her "to bits" and misses her every day. This blowing smoke went on for an hour and a half! I decided to have a bath as felt positively sick. Fiegned sickeness when he came to bed and tried unsuccessfully to sleep. When I confronted him in the morning he said "I knew you were upset!" in the tone of Silly Billy! and went on to say how he sees her as family and they will always be close and he says he loves lots of his female friends. He did lie and say they hadn't spoken since July but I didn't know that till later. I had to bite my tongue and accept and trust. I have to say it wasn't easy.

Then I saw his emails just after Xmas (men really are terrible at shutting things down, why are they always portrayed as amazing Spy's like Bond?). They had been emailing at least 5 times a week and talking about texts and calls between each other, seemingly no different from when they split up in the Summer. Turns out she was the one upset by the Skype and she gushed on about how attractive and happy he looked and she couldn't bear that he had moved on (she has a new b.f too!) and I don't deserve him sending her LUBS!(VOMIT) behind my back. She said she is removing him on FB so she can't see what he is up to, much as she wants to, and wants no contact as she feels so upset.

So although it hurt a lot to see such closeness I suppose she has done the right thing. I admire that she saw he was being a twunt and has tried to stop it. She doesn't know i'm pregnant (no one does - apparently this is my fault as he is scared I will leave him?). However the other half of me is saying she is doing a dramatic "I want a reaction!" pose.

Not had access since so can't check and it's driving me a bit potty. She's still not on his FB though so she seems to be sticking to her guns. He hasn't mentioned it at all despite still saying she is his bessie mate (asked again last night), so maybe they still call/text...

I guess i'm trying to say that even with talking and knowing secrets at the same time you never get what you expect from men. I feel I can't break trust by telling my OH I have seen these messages as I am hoping to make this work as a family. I dearly want to get it into the open. It felt so much better getting it all off my chest with my ex and I felt very strong and empowered walking away thinking what a plonker he had been. Different with children though and if he is otherwise a decent hubby then he may just have had a slip up/midlife crisis. I might have considered staying or working at the relationship with my ex if he had had a single intelligent thing to say about it but he flatly denied it for hours before shrugging and running off to his mum.

Main thing is, don't get too addicted to the spying/checking up. Sometimes you can get too involved in that and not let trust re-start. Plus they are usually more careful once they know you have snooped and it will only make you feel worse if you look and can't find as you will probably feel they have found another way around it.

Hope that doesn't sound too negative, i'm just speaking from my experience. Most couples go through something like this I think, even if the the partner isn't aware of it. Just be grateful you do know and you can bollock him bring him to account for it before anything happened.

Envying your wine drinking (even the hangover as I feel I have one without the fun beforehand) and hope you don't find anything else nasty.

Gutted for you both, Cred and Fab123... Nothing constructive to add, just hope it works out for the best for both of you...

How are you now?

Hope you are ok, Cred.

Op just wanted to let you know that something very similar happened to me last year, Facebook, messages, flirting, etc.

Advice I give is not to let him know that you know, that was my mistake. i screamed and shouted, etc, so he changed all his passwords and I was left in limbo with no access to any proof.

Keep monitoring him, then when you have printout of enough info, confront him....then leave the twat.

BTW, FB is shite for all RL relationships.

You have a point lastresort, but I think she already has enough evidence already. If she doesn't do something now he might go ahead with it unthinkingly... I'd rather nip it in the bud.

Speaking of which, I came clean with my OH the day after posting. I emailed him and said I thought we needed a break as he doesn't seem very pleased with the situation and i'd rather enjoy my pregnancy and not worry about him, blah blah. Anyway he really impressed me with his about turn attitude. He suddenly seems to have realised that he wants a family and the thought of loosing it really scared him. He's agreed to tell his mum this week on Skype as he know's she'll be thrilled. This is a massive change as he was convinced none of his family in NZ needed to know! I also told him I wasn't happy with his ex being the one to counsel him about us and when he said I was over reacting I forwarded him the email I saved from after Xmas which is fairly obvious. He called me immediately and said he was desperately trying to stay friends with her but realised too late she was still interested in him. It really hurt her to see him happy and moved on. They have no contact now on FB and he said he has learnt that he can't be friends with an ex. He felt stupid telling what he called "white lies" to her (about him not having moved on at all etc). More over he says that now he knows how I feel about it he won't do it out of respect for me. I'm still a little cautious but now all he talks about is being the best dad EVER and the scan to find out the sex. It's certainly helped coming out into the open about it for me, anyway...

how are you Cred?
hope all ok with you

Hope you're okay, Cred. x

When is your h due back, Cred?

another one that never came back to update....

Sorry to Bump saw this.

its totally unnaccessible, there are times when a possible 'why were you snooping' argument is trivial compared to the damage done,

this is one of those times

*unnacceptable