Does your dh never tell you he loves you? Never hug you etc?

[namechangesgalore]

Mine is like this. Help. Having counselling and nothing changing so far.

Does he show you in other ways, ie is he kind to you, does he bring you a cup of tea etc or does he ignore you. Think back to his childhood, could that have affected him.

He doesn't ignore me per se and we get on well as mates. No affection, no kind gestures, no cuppas (well occasionally if I ask). No sex.

The counsellor has tried to explain that this stuff is important but it's made no difference

Has he always been like this?

yes. pretty much.

I used to be so insecure and blinkered I didn't mind. Now I do.

Mine is a bit like this. Will hug and kiss (peck on the lips), no sex. Mumbles something in response to me saying I love you. But I know he does love me. He shows it in lots of other ways. So I am ok with it. Would like it to be different but I know he would like me to be different about other stuff so we are sort of quits really.

How does he show you in other ways? What does he do?

Mine was like that although we did have good sex it crucified me tbh and he left last year and its great not living with that anymore.

No matter how many times I told myself he just wasnt like that I always felt it was me that didnt inspire those feelings in him.

He puts me and DS first in lots of things. Chooses to spend time with us rather than out and about with friends. We live overseas and he has turned down 2 big promotions as they would have meant moving to countries I don't want to live in. We get on really well, he makes me laugh. We are very comfortable and happy together. If I need him he is there.

Mine is just like this, namechangesgalore. He does bring me tea sometimes but that's it!! Generally he's indifferent, with no physical contact and no affection, let alone sex! The worst thing about him is that he never says sorry or thanks. Like you, I have been blinkered by insecurity. If you have had counselling, why isn't it working, do you think? Is he in denial? What does your counsellor think? This seems so sad if you want the situation resolved. Do you? Have you discussed separating?

Maybe they are long lost identical twins - very similar indeed by the sounds of it.
How do you cope?

Gosh no he never ever says sorry. I can't remember a single time.

We haven't been doing the counselling that long so I think she needs to have another discussion to try and persuade him. He doesn't see why he should have to do this stuff i.e. hugging, kissing, affection, saying anything nice about my appearance.

Namechangesgalore, my Dh is very like this apart from the sex bit. In fact the only time he is affectionate is when he wants sex :( I think he does love me, it just doesn't show

At least your Dh goes to counselling, so on some level he must be willing to change his behaviour? Perhaps it will take a few sessions of counselling to notice a difference?

Maybe this isn't so unusual then?

Mine was like this, no affection, no hugs, no contact, no sex, no compliments (I lost 4 st and grew hair & his only comment was that he liked my hair better short!!!). Very good dad, very good round the house, very tidy (OCD level).

Now xh and it's so much better not dieing inside waiting for a sign of affection that never came

I tend to agree with scouserabroad in that if he has agreed to counselling, at least he's acknowledged that there is a problem which is bothering you. It's possible that he does love you, but finds it difficult to show it ot to understand why it's so important to you. If he's good in other ways, ie if he's a good dad, he may be worth the compromise. Mine is very affectionate with DD, and is great with both her and her friends. It's almost as if he has transferred his affections from me to her!! I suppose I cope by developing my own friendships and interests-I am also lucky in that I don't ever need to ask him for money. If I feel "needy" I don't ever show it, because in my view that would be humiliating. Perhaps I'm as bad as he is!! I don't think your DH's behaviour is unusual in any way-I suppose it's up to you whether you think he's worth it. At least you're trying! I've given up with mine and no longer expect anything from him, but I feel sad nonetheless as we've been together for so long.

He is a great dad and not at all a vindictive person or anything like that.

He too is relatively affectionate with dcs.

Look at his family - are they affectionate to each other?

Mine was like this. With me. No sex drive, no hand holding, no kissing really, no telling me he loved me.

current girlfriend gets all of this. granted he had a semi sort of breakdown when he decided to end the marraige, but still sucks sometimes that he couldnt have made more of an effort with me.

to be honest, I dont think I could do that kind of relationship again. I want to be hugged and told I am loved.

His mum and dad are the same. Siblings aren't.

So sorry he's like that, but in a way it's better that he's always been this way because if it's a recent change it's a classic sign there's someone else in the picture. I hope he comes to realise that he needs to make an effort to give you what you need, even if he doesn't feel like it or think it's important. A hug or a kiss ffs, how hard can it be? But I know that for some people it is, if they're not thinking about their partners :(

Yes-perhaps it's just thoughtlessness. And perhaps he has been brought up in an environment where open affection wasn't demonstrated. I think that's probably the case in most couples of a generation or so ago. But surely he can see that other people's relationships are different and he knows it's bothering you, so what's so hard about a quick hug? He doesn't seem to be a nasty man, so what's his problem?

I don't know. He isn't nasty at all. Quite stubborn though.

He must know it's important to me/ makes me happy to hug. It's been said in the counselling and by me a number of times during the very long time we've been together but he can't/ won't do it. He has said before he could make an effort for a day or two and manage to but then would just slip back into being 'him' and it's not the way he is

What's he like in other areas of his life? Is he like this with other people? how does he come across to your friends/ family-do they perceive him as you do? Could it perhaps be possible that you are expecting too much from him? Was he like this with other girlfriends?

This isn't normal and it is clearly making you unhappy. DP and I are pretty ott with the PDAs and I'm a bit of a love junkie so can't really comment objectively but if you are posting this must be a problem - have you talked to him? Do you feel he loves you? I think people are different in this way but if he knows you want to hear it then, if he does love you, he should tell you.

how does he come across to your friends/ family-do they perceive him as you do

Yes they perceive him exactly the same and yes maybe I am asking too much as it's just the way he is.