Does your dh never tell you he loves you? Never hug you etc?

[namechangesgalore]

Mine is like this. Help. Having counselling and nothing changing so far.

Not getting any better. How are things for you Biryani?

Things haven't really got any better at all for me since the OP

I now feel that dh just doesn't love me.

how sad for you. i would really miss my OH's declarations of love, hugs and acts of kindness / consideration. this doesn't sound like a marriage / relationship at all. other than his parenting, what would you actually miss about the relationship if it finished?

Mine's quite similar. He's a lovely guy, and we get on well but we haven't had a physical relationship since DS was born and to be fair not much of one before then - an extra special effort was made to have a baby! He's not affectionate anymore - I get an odd peck or hug but only when it's expected, like when he goes away with work. Otherwise we just live like companions now. I've tried talking to him over the years but he hasn't been able to talk about what's wrong, just made a bit of an effort for a while and then reverted to how things were before. It's been like this for the best part of 10 years now and it's very sad because now it's pretty much killed off the huge amount of love that I used to feel for him.

I thought that was how the rest of my life was going to be, but I'm now on the verge of having an affair because I've met up with someone from my past who says he never stopped loving me, has been looking for me for years, thinks I'm still gorgeous and can't keep his hands off me - and I'm sorry to say it feels amazing - I feel alive again! I don't want to hurt my DH and I'm fairly sure he'd be devastated if he found out, but I've given him opportunities to put it right and he's done nothing about it and I don't want to live without love/sex anymore. I have a fair idea that it will all end in disaster as these things have a habit of doing, but even this isn't enough to stop me. I want to be loved again!

Oh I think you are me eeniemeenie - the killing off your own love bit rings so true.

I think I was really naive when I met dh as even at first it was very one-sided with affection. I remember I used to write him 'love letters' and he never sent one back.

Even the companionship thing seems to be dwindling as increasingly I want to talk to him and catch up e.g. when he gets home from work, and he isn't so interested.

Feeling really sad about this. Am I being deluded that this isn't normal when it is if you've been together a long time. And if it isn't normal what does one do though? It's the classic stay together for the sake of the children issue. If he was a horrid aggressive person I wouldn't stick with it but it's just that I get no love from him. It feels selfish to split dc's family up for this reason.

Eenie - if you are so close to having an affair I think you should try and end the marriage first. I don't mean it in a judgey way at all as I know how hard all this is - just if you possibly can do it that way round.

my exh was like this and it made me ill and 'not myself' especially towards the end.

He also had OCD tendencies and possibly Aspergers.

Eenie when the marriage was over but we were still living in the same house I would have had an affair - but didn't.

It is better if the marriage ends first imho if one side has been denying affection and sex for years, without addressing the problem then they have effectively broken their marriage vows and the other party has every right to seek sex and affection elsewhere.

I think my exh was always like this - he clearly wants relationships etc with women but for whatever reason can't show love.

I don't think it's normal - it might not be uncommon but that doesn't make it 'normal' - you shouldn't be denied love and affection from your partner and if he doesn't even do the companionship thing well then what else is there holding you together? Kids, obviously goes without saying, but is there anything else that you share? I've always believed there comes a time when you know that you need to get out of a relationship, no matter how difficult it is to do, but that until you're at that tipping point you'll just struggle with it in your head - you can take all the advice in the world but only you know what you want to do and if and when you've had enough you'll know it.

I'm not at that point yet. I don't feel as if I want to end my marriage at the moment, whilst I don't get what I need from DH, my life isn't unbearable. As I said, we generally get on well and we live our day to day lives - I just have massively unfulfilled needs which I'd learnt to live with and if ex hadn't appeared I probably would have carried on like this for ever. I do feel he's let me down and that he'd be naive not to consider that I might seek the love and affection I crave elsewhere, but that still doesn't mean I want to crucify him and tear our family apart. I'm going to just see what happens - I will try to keep things under control with my ex and if I can keep that separate from my family life then I might be ok with that. I know there's a chance it'll all blow up in my face though, I'm quite realistic about that!

Eenie was your dh always like this?

No he wasn't. It's definitely been a gradual thing over time. He was never Mr Romance but I knew he loved me and we had a good sex life and he was quite tactile. Now it's like he's turned into an old man who doesn't want to bother with sex anymore but it's got worse in the last few years as he doesn't even hug me or want me anywhere near him. I sometimes reverse up to him in bed and grab his arm and pull it round me but without fail he pulls it away within 30 seconds. He's very affectionate with our son, but it's like there's nothing there for me. It is so sad, that's my overwhelming emotion about the whole thing really. I've tried to get him to talk about it but he finds that too difficult (typical emotionally repressed man!) and now I've just given up on ever getting that closeness back. What about you NameChanges?

My dh used to be an affectionate very PDA kind of guy - he now avoids physical contact. We have a lot of issues and he is a depressed alcoholic in denial, so that may be a cause or a symptom, I don't know!

Sorry to hear you have this too haffcaff.

Eenie - he was never really affectionate. I think I was so blinkered and thought it didn't matter. Maybe he was slightly better initially.

He is the same as yours in bed - if I make an effort he moves away soonish. He never makes the effort himself. Never ever says he loves me without me saying it first and then sort of mutters as little as possible, if answering at all and never has said it first.

If I go to kiss him he acts like he is kissing an ancient and rather hideous auntie.

He too is reasonably affectionate with dcs and very good as a dad. Just not as a dh. And I feel like every time I ask him if he can be a bit more affectionate I'm asking for something really unreasonable.

We did the counselling sessions for a bit but it just didn't seem to sink in with him. What now....???

namechanges, it's interesting that you say you didn't mind when you were insecure - it sounds as though you are waking up and becoming more aware of what you need and deserve in a relationship.

I can only reassure you that it IS vital to have affection in a relationship - and if you aren't getting it, you will eventually have to leave if you want to be happy.

you only live once, you dont need to be unhappy - perhaps you and him are not compatible now that you are more alert to your own needs and more certain that you can demand them.

He is choosing his own responses in life - people change enormous things about themselves! People go to therapy, take themselves to pieces in order to change -people give up heroin/ drink/ violence - we all go through so many changes as we grow as individuals. ANd he is here, telling you he 'can't' show you more affection.

He knows it's vital to you - but isn't prepared to try.

The truth is, he doesn't want to change - or he isn't ready to. But he is choosing not to at this moment.

If he really doesn't want to try - then, despite the counselling, he can't be the man you need him to be.

Don't feel that you are asking to much, you are not. You are entitled to have love and affection in your life.

It's your call NameChanges - it really doesn't look as if he's going to make any effort to change, and if you accept that this is how it's going to be, how do you feel about it?

I can carry on as I am because I have someone else in the background to give me what I need - but that's what suits me, for now at least. Do you want to stay in a loveless marriage or do you want to start over and maybe find happiness elsewhere? Waterrat is a wise rodent - I agree with everything she's said.

If I were to take a guess I'd say you already know in your heart what you want to do about it, but maybe you're not yet at the place you need to be to act on your decision - but you will get there, I promise you. Take your time, there's no need to rush anything and even though change can be hard, it's a positive step to take control of your future. Best of luck babe!

It makes me sad that this kind of behaviour isn't uncommon. My ex-DH was like this, no kissing, niceness, touching, pleasant words etc, but still expected sex

I worked my @rse off for 6 years trying to turn things around, but couldn't. We're divorced.

I hope you find a way through this. But you are right OP, you shouldn't be expected to live like this. As you are married, he promised to "love, honour and cherish" you. There ain't much cherishing going on in these situations.

I prefer being by myself to being with my xh who wasnt affectionate or loving.

At least this way I dont have expectations and dashed hopes iyswim ?

Any future relationship would have to be loving or I just wouldnt be interested tbh and I know that means I could be alone for some time to come.

Reading this thread now makes me realise I wasnt as unique as I thought

Eeniemeenie I am you, but five years on. My affair partner is the complete love of my life. Getting affection, warmth, wisdom, laughter and respect from him over the years has enabled me to put up with isolation and coldness at home, and I would not trade a moment of it. But after 5 years, I kind of wish I had made a break from my marriage back then and was now openly with my lover. I want my friends to know my sweetheart and to spend much more time with him than I can whilst it is a clandestine affair. I want him to know the DC and me his. I have put it all off as I have been too nervous to break up the family and have been waiting for the DC to grow up but somehow I am not sure that this was the right decision and maybe they would have been happier with a loving couple parenting them, or even a single parent (my lover was very worried about losing parental responsibility for his DC though - it is harder for men). It's tough. I guess the ethical thing is to try to live without affection and stay in your marriage but that is a miserably soul destroying way to live and I don't suppose that sets a good example for the DC anyway .....

Sorry, no answers, just my tale. But it all started with no affection from DH for many, many years (except sporadic sex with no kissing and no hugging). I too tried to address it with him but he didn't change. I only hope he is having an affair too (quite possible as he spends very very long days in the office).

Talleyrands - good to know not all affairs are destined to fail. If mine turns out to be as good as yours I don't think I'll hesitate to move on. Life is too short and if it's meant to be then I'll be grabbing it with both hands!

eeniemeaniemakaracka i'm sorry but i'm going to have to get on my moral high horse a bit and say i think what you are doing is very wrong.

i totally understand your feelings. there is nothing wrong with those. but the secrecy and deceit is another thing. you owe it to your partner to tell him the truth - that his lack of emotion has left you feeling dead in the marriage and that you have found someone else. of course he will be hurt. there is no way for him not to be hurt in this situation. but he will be far more hurt if he finds out about an affair further along the line.

where on earth do expect this current situation to lead? are you just testing out the strength of the new relationship before telling your husband or do you expect just to tick along like this for years? no matter how emotionally distant your partner has been he doesn't deserve this and you are heading for disaster in the future.

What smashing said. Please don't think this is the answer to affection-less marriages. Leave, maybe, but lie, deceive, betray, cheat? How is that possibly going to make you feel better?

smashing well, it enables you to survive day by day, and have joy and happiness in shared affection without breaking up a family unit that functions in other respects. An old fashioned arrangement, if you like. It means no disruption for the children, no moving house, no enormous arguments, no complicated sharing of parental care but leaves a marriage that is a business relationship and one that provides stability for the DC, if you like, and a love life that is separate.

It's not ideal, having said that. You wouldn't START from here, but if you are in a marriage like Eenie's then it might be a way of coping with it.

TROW, I agree with you

as long as the other partner is afforded the same freedom and rights, yes ?

talleyrandsOW a drug addict would say the same about their drug of choice. but clearly whilst they might excuse it by saying it allows the to function / to blot out the pain or fill the void a lot of their mental / emotional / physical resources are actually going outside the relationship. a marriage that is a "business arrangement" but does no harm to the children? you're having a larf aren't you?

if it's such a bloomin good idea why not bring it out in the open?

But even so, how would the other partner know that that freedom/choice was open to them, unless the cheating partner was honest? And then it wouldn't be an 'affair' but something different. I doubt very much that is what happens, prob more like the betrayed partner missing out on their own fun/affection due to an unfortunately misguided sense of morality/fidelity.

me and OH have always said it is our intention to stay together. that our energy will go in that direction. but that if either of us should ever want to leave we will do it cleanly and with respect. by that it means not involving third parties, extramaritals or whatever.

as a kid would you really rather have preferred parents in a loveless marriage with a bit on the side to separated parents who treated each other decently?

RB...by the cheating partner being honest and offering the same non-monogamous relationship to the other partner

that doesn't happen very often though does it ?

the secrey and deceit would be missing then, and what would be the point of that (for the excitement-seekers) ?