How can I "force" my husband to agree with me?

[wehavenothingtoenvy]

I apologise if this is bit of a rant but my head is spinning from thinking about nothing else for the past couple of months.

Bascially since we had dc our finances have got harder and harder to manage and we are now at the point where we we can't even cover the basics. It is a crazy situation to be in as we have both worked hard over the years and dh is actually on a decent salary but we find ourselves in this mess.

A couple of months ago I decided that I couldn't take any more of the stress and anxiety that comes with being broke and tried to think of ways to improve our finances. The conclusion I have come to is that we need to relocate to a more affordable area. I have done lots of research and come up with a plan that means we can be debt free, reduce our mortgage payments and live in a proper family home, our current home is a tiny 2 bed flat. We will also be moving to a lovely part of the country closer to my family and with plenty of room for people to stay. At the moment we can't even have visitors because we can only fit a 2 seater sofa in our sitting room, at christmas the il's came over and fil was sitting in our bedroom doorway because there physically wasn't anywhere for him in the sitting room. We aren't students anymore and we need to face up the fact that our children will need more space for themselves as they get older.

Dh really wasn't keen on the idea at first but couldn't offer me any alternative solution to get out of this mess, he can't offer me an alternative because there isn't one, I have given myself brainache exploring all the options.

We actually had a very nice christmas which was lovely as dh hasn't been the best of company over the past few months and I was worried that being crammed in together for a while might cause tension but it was good and we talked and dh accepted that perhaps moving was the answer.

Fastforward to the new year and he is behaving like a spoilt sulky child. I complied a list of all the little jobs that need to be done to get the propery into presentable order so we can put it on the market and dh had a hissy fit. He said there is no way that he will help with selling the flat, he is only moving because he is being "forced" to, I am ruining everyones lives and he is playing no part in it. He said he will move because he doesn't feel he has a choice but I can't expect him to be happy about it and he will never accept it.

Obviously I can't "force" him to agree with me but I can't move if he deliberately makes the process more stressful than it needs to be, if we move and he doesn't want to I fear there will be too much bitterness and we may as well split up if that is the case. Equally I am not prepared to just sit tight and do nothing. We are not living at the moment we are merely existing and things will not improve whilst we are in this situation.

What do I do?

You can't 'force' him to agree, but he should agree! If it helps, I was your DH back in the summer. We were forced to leave our city flat and he wanted to move out of the city. I was sick at the thought. I was unreasonable, stroppy and unpleasant. I felt bullied and railroaded into it. Fast forward 5 months and we live 10 miles away, in a 2 bed house with huge garden, for the same rent as our 2 bed 1st floor flat. It was the best decision we could have made for us as a family. We're no better off financially (although we are, because a suitable place in the city outskirts would have been £150 a month + more than what we pay now). I just needed time for the reality to sink in. I hated admitting DH was right though

I can't offer you any very good advice other than to sympathise. He sounds as though he is behaving like an ostrich burying his head in the sand.

You are expending more than 100% energy on trying to fix your situation and he is behaving like spoilt child and throwing it back in 'mummy's face'

I was in a similar position in my own marriage and would find it interesting to see other posters take on why a partner would behave like that.

Because it still has ramifications several years down the line post split.

sorry that should read 3 bed house

Well - being charitable to your DH it seems you are in different places in terms of your emotional reactions to what's going on. You sound admirably motivated and active, whilst he's wallowing a bit.

Is there some specific reason that he hasn't told you about to reject your plan (which sounds excellent to me)?

What does he feel he'd be losing?

I think you need to ask him these questions and listen to the answers, but if he can't answer them and can't come up with any alternatives then it does sound like he doesn't want to take any responsibility.

The only other thing I can think of is that he is depressed an that's making everything seem to much to think about. If that's the case, then taking action will help - going to the GP.

You've answered your own question really, you just can't. And you shouldn't need to either. If he's resentful now, he'll be a hundred times worse when you move. What's holding him back? Friends, commute distance or just resistance to change? Where do his family live?

I really think you'd benefit from a neutral person to help with this, possibly in a counselling situation. It sounds as though you're being completely sensible from a financial perspective, but possibly the way you're approaching it, in a parental way, is causing your DH to behave like a rebellious child.

You are right in not letting this drag on, it will only damage your relationship if left to fester.

Its a horrible situation for you both as a couple but one of you is going to have to compromise or your relationship will be in real difficulty.

It does sound as though you are hurrying him in to it, rather.

I would be extremely unhappy if my husband suddenly decided we had to move a long way from home just to have more space.

For the moment, I am going to take it as read that you have explored all the other financial options out there.

Has he said what he wants to do? Or is he just saying he doesn't want to move?

If you aren't covering the basics then presumably you are accumulating debt. Is he happy with this? Is he belittling the effect it is having on you? Does he even see it as a problem?

Sorry for all the questions but the OP is all about what you feel (not that there is anything wrong about that) and no real indication as to what he feels about the situation you are currently in.

bibbity - it's not just to get more space - it's for it to be a better house in a cheaper area.

I wonder if he's worried about being near your family, OP

Why doesn't he want to move? Is it because he is a city boy and you want to move to the suburbs, for instance?

That's me told then.

JLC - I wonder that too.

bibbity - have I upset you ?

OP - do you think he thinks you blame him for the financial problems?

Does he blame himself and is feeling ashamed (/emasculated?)

Does he normally bury his head in the sand about financial things?

How does he normally react to change?

Sorry for all the questions - the answers might help us to help you know how to approach this

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/

Seriously, cannot recommend enough. Not all parts of the forums are pink and fluffy and only venture onto the ebay board wearing body armour, but try the debt free wannabe part. You will be amazed how many people are extremely knowledgeable on there, many have been in your situation and many are still in your situation..

Good luck.

I also wondered whether he is fixating on the part of this that moves you closer to your family, and whether he resents that?

Does he have more ties to your current area than you do, and what would the situation be with work/commuting etc for you both?

Agree with dittany that the money is the crux of this though - have you had a sensible discussion about that?

Eric I'm glad things turned out well for you.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone it is good to know that I am not acting like an unhinged mad woman as dh makes me feel that way sometimes.

I did leave out quite a biggy. The new area is not within commuting distance of dh's work. If we move it would mean dh requesting to work from home for maybe 1-2 days per week and spending the rest of the week living with his parents. Not an ideal situation but we live in a very expensive area, we can't reduce our outgoings unless we move north or west. Dh has always said that he doesn't intend staying at his place of work forever, its just with the recession jobs are few and far between at the moment. At the moment we don't live near dh's place of work, he is never home before the childrens bedtime and spends the same amount of money on commuting costs as we would be spending on the new mortgage. In the future when the job market has picked up dh may be able to get a job closer to the area where I am proposing to move to.

He is buring his head in the sand and I think he may have a touch of depression. He is quite bitter about a lot of things. He has worked really hard over the years and through no fault of his own he has had to accept a substantial paycut and rising fuel costs mean that he can barely afford to get to work. I think he blames me because I arranged a fixed rate mortgage deal of 8% at the start of the recession when we didn't know which way interest rates were going, I took advice at the time and people genuinely didn't know whether rates would go up or down and as luck would have it they went down. Obviously I had dh's agreement when I secured this deal but he doesn't see it that way, I only did it because we were worried about losing our home if rates went too high. It doesn't help that we live in a wealthy area, at a childrens party the other day one of the dads asked "Do you ski?" A harmless enough question but enough for me to see smoke coming out of dh's nostrils. There is no way that dh would ever in a million years seek help for any depression or anxiety that he may have. He just isn't that sort of person.

At the end of the day I am not prepared for things to continue as they are. It is exhausting and draining to be completely broke all of the time.

I have to say, that changes things hugely - his life will be completely turned upside down and he will be reliant on his parents. While you (from his perspective maybe) will be back home enjoying all the benefits of your new home etc.

Why can't you re-mortage? If you are tied into a rate, then you are tied in, and the same penalties will apply whether you move house or stay put I would have thought?

Something strikes me as odd in the way you are talking about all this. It is very 'I did X', 'he did Y'. As if you actually haven't been a full partnership for some time now.

Well that is a huge biggie. I am sorry you are so anxious op, I really am, but you can't be surprised that he doesn't want to do this?

Wow that took me so long I I have crossed posts with a lot of you.

bbh yes I am hurrying him into this because the longer we stay here the worse it will get. At the moment we have a bit of equity in the flat, house prices are predicted to fall and I'm scared that if we don't do it this year that we won't have the choice next year. Each month it gets harder and harder and we are living off a huge overdraft if we don't move soon I fear we will never pay it off.

Dittany I do know where all the money is going, (we have a joint account) it is going on petrol and mortgage. Despite having to buy Christmas presents we were actually better off in December because dh had two weeks annual leave and was snowed in for a couple of days at the beginning of the month. Dh certainly doesn't spend anything on himself. He is leaving it all to me to deal with, this never used to be the case I just don't think he can deal with it anymore.

Would his parents be happy to have him living with them for most of the week?

Dittany. I was joking when I said I wanted to "force" him to agree with me.

bbh They would be over the moon, they would have all us if we wanted.

Have you looked at other locations? Have you asked him where he would consider moving to?

It seems very much your plan, designed to suit you, with no real consideration of the impact it will have on your DH.

If he is depressed then do you really want him to be away from you for days in the week? Won't it make him worse?

I really feed for your situation, and I completely agree that you need to make a change.
Could you rent your flat out and rent something nearer to your DH's work so that he isn't spending so much on commuting - would also mean that he was home more and so would see the children more which has to be a good thing.