How can I "force" my husband to agree with me?

[wehavenothingtoenvy]

I apologise if this is bit of a rant but my head is spinning from thinking about nothing else for the past couple of months.

Bascially since we had dc our finances have got harder and harder to manage and we are now at the point where we we can't even cover the basics. It is a crazy situation to be in as we have both worked hard over the years and dh is actually on a decent salary but we find ourselves in this mess.

A couple of months ago I decided that I couldn't take any more of the stress and anxiety that comes with being broke and tried to think of ways to improve our finances. The conclusion I have come to is that we need to relocate to a more affordable area. I have done lots of research and come up with a plan that means we can be debt free, reduce our mortgage payments and live in a proper family home, our current home is a tiny 2 bed flat. We will also be moving to a lovely part of the country closer to my family and with plenty of room for people to stay. At the moment we can't even have visitors because we can only fit a 2 seater sofa in our sitting room, at christmas the il's came over and fil was sitting in our bedroom doorway because there physically wasn't anywhere for him in the sitting room. We aren't students anymore and we need to face up the fact that our children will need more space for themselves as they get older.

Dh really wasn't keen on the idea at first but couldn't offer me any alternative solution to get out of this mess, he can't offer me an alternative because there isn't one, I have given myself brainache exploring all the options.

We actually had a very nice christmas which was lovely as dh hasn't been the best of company over the past few months and I was worried that being crammed in together for a while might cause tension but it was good and we talked and dh accepted that perhaps moving was the answer.

Fastforward to the new year and he is behaving like a spoilt sulky child. I complied a list of all the little jobs that need to be done to get the propery into presentable order so we can put it on the market and dh had a hissy fit. He said there is no way that he will help with selling the flat, he is only moving because he is being "forced" to, I am ruining everyones lives and he is playing no part in it. He said he will move because he doesn't feel he has a choice but I can't expect him to be happy about it and he will never accept it.

Obviously I can't "force" him to agree with me but I can't move if he deliberately makes the process more stressful than it needs to be, if we move and he doesn't want to I fear there will be too much bitterness and we may as well split up if that is the case. Equally I am not prepared to just sit tight and do nothing. We are not living at the moment we are merely existing and things will not improve whilst we are in this situation.

What do I do?

If he refuses to help with decision-making and making arrangements then I can see exactly why you made those decisions, OP. I take back my earlier post (except the bit about him needing to take part in the decision process and not leaving it all to you). If he doesn't help then he doesn't get to complain either IMHO.

Seriously - you are not in an impossible position, you can sort things out, but only if you are both on board.

Consumer Credit Counselling, CAB, National Debtline etc can really help and show you different ways of looking at things. How about a Debt Plan? I don't know that much but try looking at this link

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2077631

This shows non profit organisations that can help people in financial difficulty and who do not charge you for that help or if they do will be upfront about it.

tbh, sorting out the money is probably the easiest bit of this. Your husband is making sure that nothing is his fault, and that you have to make all the hard decisions. This could be simple fear of the state of what he is in. However unless he co-operates then you will get nowhere. I don't know the answer to that one.

I don't know about a debt plan. I want to pay what we owe, we can't declare ourselves bankrupt because of our jobs. Also we aren't paying out a huge amount in credit card/overdraft fees. The main financial burden for us is our general day to day bills, mainly our mortgage and petrol.

dittany sorry for responding late to your post, its taking me ages to read through them all. I didn't decide on a solution, I went to dh with three possible solutions (all of them far from ideal). Dh said the option of moving made most sense but then changed his mind. He thinks the easy option is sitting tight and doing nothing. This will result in us losing our home within the next 12 months. If we have any CCJ's against us dh will also lose his job as it is a requirement of his employment that he has a clean financial record.

Not saying you should go bankcrupt at all.

Do you have an actual budget plan then? What's the plan / how are you going to pay off your debts? Servicing the interest may be managable now - what if rates go up - what if the bank / CC company deceide to reduce your limits?

As you say in the post you will loose your house in 12 months - so its clear you need to act now.

Your dh seems to have his head in the sand. You may not need to move if this is an issue but at least sort out where your money is going and if you want to stay what are the options for chnaging mortgage etc.

Money saving expert is good too - lots of good free advice - you need to take it and ACT on it now.

Would it not make more sense to move to somewhere that your husband can commute from?

We can't afford to move that close to dh's work because it is an expensive area however I did find an area fairly close where house prices are reasonable. Unfortunately it looks a bit of a hole, it is one of the crime spots of the UK with police present at the local schools. Anyway dh doesn't want to move closer to his place of work because he doesn't want to stay there long term.

He needs to look for a new job. If he is rejecting valid solutions because his current role isn't 'long term', then he must act on that and look for something else that can be long term and offer better opportunities.

Tbh he does sound depressed, but how you make him do something about that I don't know.

.I asked dh what should we do and he basically said that he can't see a way out of this mess unless we move and he will go along with it but it isn't what he wants.

So he's unhappy and feeling helpless and taking it out on you. I feel for him (he sounds depressed to me too) but you have my utmost sympathies since you are shouldering all the decision-making.

Could you put a time limit on staying put whilst husband looks for a job, and if he doesn´t get a job within that time, move to where you could set up your business?

Hi OP,

I'm a long-time lurker, but felt I had to register to respond to your thread as it feels to me like a deeper issue is being missed here. Your money problems are, I'm sure, extremely worrying to you, but they are fixable provided that you are both willing to face up to the problem and make some hard decisions. What concerns me is a more fundamental problem, which is that from your posts it comes across that your DH is a deeply unhappy man.

I'm going to make some assumptions in the following, so feel free to dismiss this post if I've got it totally wrong, but it sounds to me like he has taken on a career which is stressful and requires long hours, and which it appears he doesn't even enjoy, in order to provide for you and the DC. You say that he has spent long periods away from the family with work, but is that something he has really wanted to do or is that something he has felt compelled to do in order to be the 'provider'? If my assumptions are correct, then I'm guessing the latter.

And now, having done all that it must appear to him it was all for nothing, as everything he has worked for (symbolised by your being able to afford to live in your current affluent area) has been for naught, and he has failed as a 'provider'. Add to that that most men in his circumstances who were having to move back in with, and rely financially upon, his parents would feel a bit of a failure anyway.

The fact that he seems to have no ambitions for the future and can only come up with sarcasm and regrets when pushed to make practical decisions to me smack of a deep level of hopelessness and sense of failure on his part. Not to mention that he must feel very trapped in his circumstances, as even if he accepts these reduced living arrangements, he still has to continue on the same work treadmill. Sticking his head in the sand may well be his defence mechanism here: if he admits to the finanical problems you have then he also has to admit to those feelings.

I've made a lot of assumptions here, but does any of it ring any bells?

You are going to have to make some tough decisions in order to improve your finances, but it sounds to me like you are both over-worked and stressed and possibly not getting along very well with each other because of that, and that will make those decisions tens times harder. So if any of this sounds at all familiar to you, then perhaps you need to consider working on some of these underlying issues and reconnecting as a couple before you try and make any big life-changing decisions.

Good post NDT

Yes, good post NotDavid.

OP's dh needs to rise to the occasion of reality and stop dwelling in the land of Should-of, Would-of, Could-of.

It is hard to acknowledge 'failure' (I had to) and the comprehensive disappointment/personal humiliation that goes with it.

I suggest a book called "Who Moved My Cheese?: An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life" by Spencer Johnson and Kenneth Blanchard (Hardcover - Sep 8, 1998) Available on Amazon.

Good Luck, WHNTE. It sounds like you do need to coach your dh through this.

NotDavidTennant. Your post has made me cry because you are absolutely right. I couldn't have worded it better myself, everything you have said is true.

I have tried to tell dh before that he is a success, he has done extremely well for himself, he is well known and well regarded in his field of work, he shouldn't beat himself up about it.

There aren't many jobs about in dh's field but he was headhunted for his current job and he often has contacts asking him his plans so if he put his mind to it there are perhaps opportunities out there.

If we were at this stage in our lives ten years ago I think we would be doing well but the country is in the deepest recession it has ever known and we felt it right at the beginning. The fact that we had a child a couple of years before the recession and lost my regular income obviously hasn't helped. We aren't in this situation because of anything that dh or I have done, it is due to circumstances beyond our control. We have choices that some people don't have and we need to make the most of them.

Dh just phoned to say there is the potential for a permanent move to Aberdeen. Didn't see that one coming. Off to research Aberdeen!

Blimey!

Gosh. Great that he has come up with a suggestion. House prices in Aberdeen are fairly reasonable I would think. A have a friend who lives there with two small DCs and loves it.

Wow!

How would you feel about that,OP?

I´m assuming that it would be a big move?

Gosh, that was some development.

House prices in Aberdeen are high by Scottish standards, but probably very affordable for those used to London prices.

Ohhhh l love Aberdeen--my DD lives there and won't consider moving back to the west of Scotland.
Yes the houses are pricey due to the oil etc but places like Dyce which are just outside Aberdeen (20 minutes) are really nice and fairly reasonable.
Good luck

Sorry, didn't mean to make you cry.

I hope this Aberdeen opportunity works out for you both.

In the meantime, try your best to find some quality time were you can relax as a couple and make each other feel valued and loved. Sometimes it is easy to focus so much on the big issues (i.e. money) that you can let the smaller things slide, and that just makes the bigger problems harder to deal with.

Good luck!

I was about to impart some sage advice but the move to Aberdeen beat me!

I was going to say that if you get into bad credit now, and have to move because you lose your house, you're going to find it very hard to get back on the property ladder (I believe defaults, etc stay on your credit file for 6 years).

At least if you move voluntarily now and keep your credit file clear you've got the possibility of moving back to where DH wants to be.

Just out of interest, why is DH not willing to move from where you're living now, in order to make your lives easier, but is willing to consider a move to Aberdeen?

Aberdeen is a lovely place to live - house prices in some areas are high (ie Cults) but others not so high, and prices in Aberdeenshire can be very reasonable.

(I live in Aberdeenshire, so if you need any extra information please contact me.)

Sounds like he's feeling like he's been pushed into something rather than participating in the decision - so now he's sulking by leaving everything to you. Why not tell him gently that you understand that he doesn't want to move and ask him what he'd prefer to do to get you out of debt? If he says he doesn't know, say there's no rush to move (because pressuring him will only make things worse) and we can come up with another solution if he's really not happy. Then give him time to suggest his own idea or (more likely) accept your plan on his own terms.

S xx