How can I "force" my husband to agree with me?

[wehavenothingtoenvy]

I apologise if this is bit of a rant but my head is spinning from thinking about nothing else for the past couple of months.

Bascially since we had dc our finances have got harder and harder to manage and we are now at the point where we we can't even cover the basics. It is a crazy situation to be in as we have both worked hard over the years and dh is actually on a decent salary but we find ourselves in this mess.

A couple of months ago I decided that I couldn't take any more of the stress and anxiety that comes with being broke and tried to think of ways to improve our finances. The conclusion I have come to is that we need to relocate to a more affordable area. I have done lots of research and come up with a plan that means we can be debt free, reduce our mortgage payments and live in a proper family home, our current home is a tiny 2 bed flat. We will also be moving to a lovely part of the country closer to my family and with plenty of room for people to stay. At the moment we can't even have visitors because we can only fit a 2 seater sofa in our sitting room, at christmas the il's came over and fil was sitting in our bedroom doorway because there physically wasn't anywhere for him in the sitting room. We aren't students anymore and we need to face up the fact that our children will need more space for themselves as they get older.

Dh really wasn't keen on the idea at first but couldn't offer me any alternative solution to get out of this mess, he can't offer me an alternative because there isn't one, I have given myself brainache exploring all the options.

We actually had a very nice christmas which was lovely as dh hasn't been the best of company over the past few months and I was worried that being crammed in together for a while might cause tension but it was good and we talked and dh accepted that perhaps moving was the answer.

Fastforward to the new year and he is behaving like a spoilt sulky child. I complied a list of all the little jobs that need to be done to get the propery into presentable order so we can put it on the market and dh had a hissy fit. He said there is no way that he will help with selling the flat, he is only moving because he is being "forced" to, I am ruining everyones lives and he is playing no part in it. He said he will move because he doesn't feel he has a choice but I can't expect him to be happy about it and he will never accept it.

Obviously I can't "force" him to agree with me but I can't move if he deliberately makes the process more stressful than it needs to be, if we move and he doesn't want to I fear there will be too much bitterness and we may as well split up if that is the case. Equally I am not prepared to just sit tight and do nothing. We are not living at the moment we are merely existing and things will not improve whilst we are in this situation.

What do I do?

^

'feel' obv. not 'feed'

I can see both your points of view. It does sound a bit rubbish for him, no wonder he's sad. I think you need a third alternative.

Well why don't you move in with his parents then? Rent your place out on a fixed term contract to generate some income to pay off debts while you formulate a longer term plan?

Sell the flat.
Move in with his parents.
Save like mad.
Buy a house when house prices drop even further.

And to add to Truckulente's action plan:

Look for another job.

Ali Dh just doesn't want to move full stop. I did suggest renting out the flat and then renting closer to his work but he doesn't want to do that because he doesn't like the area and he doesn't see himself in his current job forever.

I'm willing to consider a move to anywhere in the country that will make things easier I've only chosen the area I have because its cheaper, nice and closer to my mum so she could help out with childcare occasionally if I am stuck. Dh doesn't want to move there because he likes it here and he doesn't want to move out to the sticks. The problem is we can't afford it here. He said when we moved here he thought we would be here for life, I did too but things haven't worked out that way.

Truck and Alibaba have another solution. I'm afraid that it changes things if you are expecting him to leave/change his working patterns so much, and live with his parents 3 days a week. It's entirely different.

How easy would it be for you to get a job in the new area? Or a better paid job / more hours a week in the current area?

I sounds very difficult if you are both in a tricky financial situation, and you are trying to fix it, but DH is not telling you what he DOES want to do, just what he DOESN'T want to do. I can see how that might make you feel you need to take unilateral action, or that he might be depressed.

Have you tried sitting down properly with him, with the figures, and information, with enough time without the kids around for you to try and discuss it properly?

We both agree that we don't want to step off the property ladder altogether as we are reading stories about lenders restricting mortgages.

Hully I wish there was a third alternative but I honestly can't think of one. I have tried to but I just can't think of a way of getting out of this mess without moving house.

Truckulent. I don't think the whole family moving with il's would be a good idea. Tried it as a couple and it was hellish. Dh wouldn't agree to it anyway. I think for dh it would be okay as she would look after him and mollycoddle him. I don't think it would work for me. Mil does not agree with working mums, that is a whole other thread that I don't want to go into.

WHNTE What has changed to mean that you can no longer afford the area? How old are your DCs? Do you work? Do you need to find a job?

Sorry to fire questions at you but this would help to understand.

Do you work wehave? If not could you start bringing in some money to help with the finances (not judging, by the way, just asking)?

Ok, so he doesn't like your solution. What's his?

I appreciate everyone saying how difficult it will be for him, but it's difficult now, if he's spending all his money on petrol, they are living off an overdraft and his wife is obviously extremely anxious and upset.

On the other side, though, OP - you do sound as if you are the one who makes all the decisions - I notice you took out the original fixed mortgage. That seems really odd. I leave a lot of the financial stuff to DH as he's better at it, but even I would have my say on what type of mortgage we saddle ourselves with. It's a joint responsibility.

Could a sit down and a talk about where you want to be in 5 years help? And then agree on how you get there? Get him to come up with the ideas and solutions, as it seems to me he likes to shirk the responsibility and then complain about the outcome, which is a bit petulant.

Ultimately, though, somethings like where you live and if you have children, aren't things you can 'compromise' on. One of you has to let it go.

Some good ideas, Truckulente, however your suggestion relies on house prices dropping and they might not.

In your plan, he would work from home one or two days a week. Could he do that now so you save on gas, er, petrol? Also, since you live in the city, can he use mass transit? Or if he has to drive, can he ride share?

I too like Money Saving Expert. There is a Relationship thread there. Old timers there frequently ask newcomers to do an SOA, which I think is state of affairs. There is a form to fill out where you fill in how much you spend on different things.

It does sound like now you are proactive and make decisions, in which he takes no part, but feels free to criticize what you decide.

My husband and I used to be like that. We needed a couch, he wanted no part in shopping for it, but critiqued it forevermore. It went on for scores of things, as we built a house, and I chose: tile, grout, tools, paint color, showers, toilets, and on and on ad nauseum. So I told him once: you won't help with it, but you feel free to criticize what I choose. It gave him food for thought. He still does it to an extent. Last time he did it was.......yesterday!

If he is rejecting all other routes, then he needs to look for a new job. No it isn't ideal timing, in that it is unlikely he will be able to just walk into something.

My DH started looking for a new job this time last year and it took him until August to find one - he went for more interviews than I can count but is ultimately much happier at work now and is earning around 25% more than he was.

Can you alter your working pattern, increase hours or anything to help balance the books in the short term?

There are obviously more choices available to you than trying to 'force' him to live away from his children mid-week, stay with relatives and face a long commute - would you do that?

Do you work? If you don't, maybe you could explore that option. At the moment you sound like you should be doing more listening and less pressuring.

Not surprised he doesn´t want to if it would mean living with his parents again.

And what if he never gets a job that is commutable from where you want to move to?

I'm afraid that I agree with the poster who pointed out that there's lots of "I" in your posts and hardly any "we". I'm also wondering whether you deliberately left out the part about dh having to stay with his parents from your OP because you knew that it would make a big difference to the replies you would get.

I understand that something has to give and that changes need to be made. It's just that your current solution means that your dh is the one making the biggest sacrifices. You say yourself that staying with his parents was hellish, yet you think dh should live there again because you think your MIL might mollycoddle him.

I think you both need to be involved in the decision process. Your dh needs to understand though that he has to put some effort in too for a new solution to work rather than leaving you to worry about things and deal with it alone.

Good luck to you both. I hope there's a solution out there that works for both of you.

It seems to me that he is taking the easy route.

He leaves the financial decisions to you so that he can blame you later if it goes wrong.

That is unfair. He has to accept that the decisions you make have to be joint ones, with no blame game going on in 5 years.

He is doing the same now, leaving you to make the difficult decisions so that he can complain about it in the future.

Not read all the posts so apologies if this has been said. Difficult situation but maybe you need to go to CAB or some other independant financial place so that they can review your situation and give some advice - if this comes from an 'independant' source then maybe your DH would be more accepting of it.

It does need to be resolved though as you can't live off an overdraft and this could mean eventually you loose your flat / house.

Both jack in your jobs, flog the flat, buy the cheapest house you possibly can ANYWHERE (not necessarily near your parents, though ) & live thriftily off the proceeds whilst jobsearching in new area (or set up business working from home or whatever). What? I can dream, can't I?

I'm so annoyed I've spent half an hour composing a really long post and I've lost it.

I'll keep it short this time. diddl that is a scary thought and it is something I've considered. I would hope that if we move, I can grow my business. I can't do that here because I can't afford a car or transport costs and I have no childcare. I am trying to run a business with a baby and a 5 year old and I can't afford to pay a childminder. If the business is successful there is potential for me to be the main earner within the next 5-7 years which would give dh more choices. Dh is very keen for me to grow the business but forgets that I have a baby and nobody to look after him.

Living away from his family is something dh is used to, he will spend a lot of time in Aberdeen this year and he spent 4 out of the first 6 months of ds's life in Aberdeen, just coming home at weekends. I didn't know a single person here back then and was bringing up a newborn baby with no support.

I don't make all the decisions, its just that dh won't do the tasks that he doesn't like. When we went onto the fixed mortgage deal it was discussed with dh, we only did it out of fear of repossession. When the paperwork came through dh refused to read it because he can't be bothered with financial stuff when he has been at work all day. If interest rates had gone up it would have been a joint decision but because they went down and we have lost a lot of money it becomes my decision.

We had a bit of a chat last night because as per usual we don't have enough money to get through to payday. I asked dh what should we do and he basically said that he can't see a way out of this mess unless we move and he will go along with it but it isn't what he wants. I asked him what he wants and he said to rewind 20 years ago and study Medicine instead of the subject he studied (I've told him in the past that I will support him if he really wants this but he doesn't want to do it now he wants to do it 20 years ago) he also spouted some rubbish about wanting to live in a communist state. I asked for a sensible answer and he said he isn't bothered he will go along with whatever which puts us right back at square one.

I hear what everyone is saying about talking to dh. It is really hard to get him open up without him being sarcastic. I thought he opened up a little at Christmas and he said that he wanted to move but has changed his mind since. If I'm honest I think that dh regrets marrying me but I don't think he wants out of the marriage. Dh is full of regrets about the past and has no plans or ambitions for the future at all.

I will have to bury my head into the sand and wait until the baliffs start knocking.

Don't bury your head - think you need to get a debt plan asap as you have the big overdraft and aren't actually able to cover your bills with what you have coming in. Something will give and you'll both loose everything if it doesn't get sorted.

Start to look at if you can re-mortgage if you don't move (this may be an option) - you would save as fixed rates are around 5% or so.