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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH seems to think that having a mistress will solve all our problems

64 replies

DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 10/01/2011 08:39

And we've got a shit load of problems, sex is just one of them.

He thinks if he could have sex whenever he wants with someone else he'll be nicer to me and won't bother me for sex again. (I've not got a very high sex drive and I'm too damn tired half the time to even raise a smile).

I've told him that I don't want him to go anywhere near another woman because it won't ever be just about sex. Before long he'll be wanting to spend more and more time with her because she'll be 'less complicated' and 'more fun' and 'a better cook' (I'm just speculating here but I know what he's like)

He doesn't even have anyone in mind but as far as he's concerned there are 'loads of women out there' who would be up for a bit of no strings shagging. We live in the rural south west ffs. I don't know where he thinks they all are.

Not really asking for any advice or opinions, just needed to offload. We're fairly certain it's over and now he's just grasping at straws Sad

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 10/01/2011 08:40

Do you know a good lawyer?

bronze · 10/01/2011 08:44

If I was on any other site I would give you a big hug right now.

Do you think theres more to this?

deemented · 10/01/2011 08:45

Jesus. You poor love - that's really not meant to sound condescending, but god, that man has some fucking nerve.

It's so easy for us to say 'leave him' or 'pack his bags', but have you any idea what you're going to do?

bronze · 10/01/2011 08:46

Sorry that sounded liek it wasn't enough. I meant could he covering his tracks.

I never understad men whos wives are too knackered for sex. If they're tired ease their load, it can make all the difference.

TBH though he sound sliek he doesn't really care for you if he can suggest that

nikki1978 · 10/01/2011 08:55

Horrible thing to suggest.

What are you both doing to deal with your problems though? Why are you so tired? Do you ever have sex?

Is this comment from him a deal breaker for you or can you both use this opportunity to deal with your problems? He may be saying it in a completely twatish way but clearly the lack of sex is a problem for him.

Original poster
DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 10/01/2011 09:08

It's one of many things he comes out with. No doubt this evening he'll say he was joking and only wants me.
We probably have sex once a week. I've said I'll try to do it more because I know he wants it but it's not always as easy as that (8mo is a bad sleeper). We bicker quite a lot and for me sex should be just as much about emotion as the physicality. He thinks there's nothing wrong with having a quick shag even if we've been arguing half an hour before hand.

I know it's over really, and we've said as much but he keeps wanting to make it work 'just one last time'

OP posts:
malinkey · 10/01/2011 09:20
Shock

It doesn't sound like he's doing very much to make it work just one last time! I think a lot of men with an 8 month old who doesn't sleep very well would be over the moon with sex once a week.

GreenButton · 10/01/2011 09:35

DWHIH, your situation seems familiar to me (I can't write much as as I've got to go out).

His job may mean him working abroad soon - he has mentioned the girly-bar area of town which the Brits have nicknamed the "pubic triangle" - nice! If I don't go too then there will be plenty of girls willing to please.

Rindercella · 10/01/2011 09:48

You have an 8 month old baby, have sex once a week and he thinks that justifies him going to find another woman just for sex cos it isn't enough?! Shock

The very fact that he can suggest this to you in your current circumstances would mean to me that sadly this marriage is unlikely to work.

I would suggest his desire to try & "make it work 'just one last time'" actually means he wants to try and have his cake and eat it. Twat.

BluddyMoFo · 10/01/2011 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 09:53

Rindercella speaks a lot of sense. You sound very resigned, and that is quite concerning. You don't have to settle for this, you know? Don't be pushed in to accepting a situation you don't want, or be pushed in to more sex 'or else' Hmm

merrywidow · 10/01/2011 09:57

My H even tried to move in another woman. We both knew her so I told her to fuck off as he wasn't going to. He got really mad and assaulted me.

Sadly for him he died not long after that, so I was released from having to deal with the crazy behaviour ;forever...

Good luck

BibiBlocksberg · 10/01/2011 10:05

Blimey, I've heard it all now!!! What an idiot!!

Nothing useful to add for you as have no experience with this sort of thing.

Just wanted to say that it sounds like you might be near me (rural southwest) so if you want any help at all (practical or otherwise) do give me a shout!

MisSalLaneous · 10/01/2011 10:06

He doesn't want to try "one last time", he wants to continue staying with you, have someone to cook and clean for him, and guaranteed sex at least once a week. The rest of the time he'll be shagging around with no responsibilities. Then there is also the risk of sexually transmitted diseases to add to this pot of joy.

If he really has so much extra energy, why doesn't he let you sleep through a couple of nights a week whilst looking after baby?

Lulumaam · 10/01/2011 10:08

so he must think sex is the only problem, when it is clear that there are a lot more deeper rooted issues here

i'd be giving him his marching orders, let him go and find these' loads of women' who want no strings sex

ENormaSnob · 10/01/2011 10:11

I think it's over Sad

IMO he is trying to have the positives of both marriage and being single with little regard for your feelings.

StuffingGoldBrass · 10/01/2011 11:05

MisSalLaneous has it bang on: this man wants you to shut up and service him domestically while he does what he likes. This is a man who doesn't think women are human beings: they are facilities for men to use.
Consult a solicitor, make sure you know your legal position and tell him he can either put a bit more effort into making your marriage a partnership or he can piss off.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:22

fgs, stop sleeping with him

and get fucking rid of the tosser

it is over, why are you still shagging him ????????????

Original poster
DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 10/01/2011 11:31

I shag him on the days when everything seems like it will be ok which I know is wrong.

Several times we've been very closing to calling it a day and discussed logistics. Then he asks if we can make it work and we end up trying again. I'm certain that he only wants to make it better because he doesn't want to lose DD (he says he doesn't want to lose me either). He won't be a part-time dad if we divorce - he would cut off all ties because he says it would break his heart to only be able to see her occasionally.

He says he loves me and he knows that I'm finding it hard to love him.

I know the only option is separation but it's very difficult to take that final step.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 10/01/2011 11:32

he's a dreadful bully ! saying he would not see DD again if he was a part time dad as it would break his heart

what an absolute idiot

he's looking for any way to control you and get his own way and play the doting dad

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 11:33

Hang on, so he's threatening you with cutting contact with his DD as a way of keeping you in the marriage? He's a fuckwit, and if he sticks to his threat your child will be better off without him. Knob.

Numberfour · 10/01/2011 11:35

knob de luxe

coccyx · 10/01/2011 11:36

Can not agree more with all the ladies above.

PlentyOfParsnips · 10/01/2011 11:40

what a self-centred arsehole!

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:41

He won't be a part-time dad if we divorce - he would cut off all ties because he says it would break his heart to only be able to see her occasionally.

even worse

here is no worse emotional blackmail than that

get rid of him, you and dd don't need a "man" like that in your life

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