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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH seems to think that having a mistress will solve all our problems

64 replies

DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 10/01/2011 08:39

And we've got a shit load of problems, sex is just one of them.

He thinks if he could have sex whenever he wants with someone else he'll be nicer to me and won't bother me for sex again. (I've not got a very high sex drive and I'm too damn tired half the time to even raise a smile).

I've told him that I don't want him to go anywhere near another woman because it won't ever be just about sex. Before long he'll be wanting to spend more and more time with her because she'll be 'less complicated' and 'more fun' and 'a better cook' (I'm just speculating here but I know what he's like)

He doesn't even have anyone in mind but as far as he's concerned there are 'loads of women out there' who would be up for a bit of no strings shagging. We live in the rural south west ffs. I don't know where he thinks they all are.

Not really asking for any advice or opinions, just needed to offload. We're fairly certain it's over and now he's just grasping at straws Sad

OP posts:
Zondra · 10/01/2011 11:41

Please,please,get rid off him!

The relationship is dead-there is zero respect for you & certainly no love.

I really feel for you & I know it must be very hard accepting this but,you have to get strong & take control of this.

Get a solicitor asap.
X

malinkey · 10/01/2011 11:42

What a nasty bully he is. I think the only person he loves is himself. What sort of person would refuse to see the child that they love because "it would break his heart"?

I'm not surprised you're finding it hard to love him!

nikki1978 · 10/01/2011 11:45

Oh god ignore what I said get rid of him. Once a week? I thought you were going to say once a year.

Sorry but he doesn't sound like a good man :(

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:47

do not ever shag this man again

please !

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 10/01/2011 11:47

What the hell?! He won't be a part-time dad if we divorce - he would cut off all ties because he says it would break his heart to only be able to see her occasionally.

But what about your DD? Regular and consistent contact arrangements are supposed to be for her benefit - not his. Has he thought for one second how him cutting ties would affect his child?

This man is incapable of putting anyone elses needs on a par with his own. His selfishness is bordering on insane.

In my opinion this is just another attempt on his part to bully you into accepting whatever he decides to dish you. He's emotionally blackmailing you, trying to make you feel responsible for your DD not having a father around if you do not accept his ideas of how to save your marriage.

When you've got a small baby that isn't sleeping through the night, sex once a week is quite a lot in my opinion.

Gather up as much strength and dignity as you can muster and kick this man out of your home. He does not deserve you. If he chooses to deprive his child of a father then that is his nasty selfish choice, not yours.

How dare he.

MinnieMummy · 10/01/2011 12:01

We have an eight-month old. DH would be over the moon if we had sex once a month, let alone once a week.

All sounds very horrible for you. It sounds like you know what you have to do but I realise that takes a lot of guts.

Best of luck. You and your DD would be better off without a husband/father like that.

Ormirian · 10/01/2011 12:03

Twat! Angry

The only one of your issues that he is concerned about is the one that involves his cock.

Original poster
DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 10/01/2011 13:11

Thank you for all your supportive comments.
I do feel very torn and I know he's emotionally blackmailing me. I've said 100 times that we shouldn't stay together for DD's sake.
One of the tricks he uses is saying that he doesn't think I'm stable enough to bring her up. (He's using one blip in my past against me there)
He also says that he doesn't want my parents having anything to do with her (he hates them and everything they stand for)
He reckons I'll either be a slapper or shack up with the first bloke who shows any interest and he says he doesn't want DD being brought up by another man.

Obviously I argue all these points but he'll never listen.

I was right btw; he's already phoned and said he didn't mean it about getting another woman and that we'll be ok. I've stopped believing him Sad

OP posts:
ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 13:13

Read what you've written. Would you like your DD to be in a relationship like this? Because if you stay you're teaching her it's ok. He is a fuckwit. And a nasty one at that. Make your plans and get out.

RespectTheDoughnut · 10/01/2011 13:18

He sounds absolutely vile. Threats about your child, using your mental health, are absurd & abusive. My exH once told me that he was only staying with me in case I 'did something' to DS, because 'you know what they say about mothers with PND', apparently. It's just a typical response from someone who feels that they're losing control. You sound perfectly stable to me.

It's none of his business who you sleep with after you've finished with him. He's pre-empting the fact that you will, at some point, find a new man (or men!) & is trying to prevent it by guilting you. Again, using your DD.

I don't know about your parents, obviously. Perhaps they are Satan worshippers who want to sacrifice your DD to their evil overlord. But going on what else you've said, this is just another excuse to keep you isolated & dependent on him.

MisSalLaneous · 10/01/2011 13:18

He's bull**ing. First he said he'll cut all ties to her, and then he tries to imply he'll fight for custody?!

Go and see a solicitor, if only to know where you stand. You don't have to act on it just yet, but it might help you get some clarity to hear a professional's point of view.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 13:23

I don't know what else to say to you

I think you have already made up your mind to carry on in this awful relationship

can you not see how little respect he has for you ?

this is intolerable, and I just don't understand why you would say with a man like this

JamieLeeCurtis · 10/01/2011 13:23

He is a Class A Git. Am staggered, actually.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 13:23
AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 13:24

stay

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 13:24

cheers chickens Smile

Rindercella · 10/01/2011 13:25

He sounds odious, just horrible.

What a vile man to use his relationship with his daughter against you. As someone so rightly said further up the thread, access has little to do with him and his 'rights' and far more to do with your DD and helping her maintain a stable environment.

Has he ever been violent towards you? I wonder as I am a little worried what action he would take should you ever try to leave.

Get professional advice and start making an action plan to leave, please. This is a horrible way to live for both you and your DD.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 13:25

OP...would you want a relationship like this for your daughter ?

you are someone's daughter too

this is an abusive partnership, no more no less

RespectTheDoughnut · 10/01/2011 13:30

To be honest, I think that OP has come here to look for a glimmer of hope to back up that which her H keeps giving her, before adding more manipulation into the mix to keep her in her place. I'd imagine didn't come looking for practical advice on leaving. I know. I've done it myself :(

OP, if that's the case, then people here can help you. & when you do finally realise how messed up this all is (& it really is) & you know that you have to leave, for yourself & for your daughter, there will be so much support, no matter how long it takes you to get to that point. But please think long & hard about what this is going to do to you & your DD. She must realise that there's an unhealthily tense atmosphere, if nothing else.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 13:36

rtd...I remember those posts of yours Smile

something got through to you though didn't it, every time someone who doesn't even know you said that the life you were living was not in yours, nor dc's, best interests

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/01/2011 13:38

What a vile, vile man.

How can you bear to sleep with someone who has such a low opinion of you? Who thinks you are a slapper, unstable, the very clear implication being that you aren't a good mother.

Please please seek some legal advice.

SuperAmoo · 10/01/2011 13:38

Haven't got time to read all posts but IMO he is being totally unreasonable and selfish - me and DP haven't had sex for two years and he has a very high sex drive (wants it every day) and yet he's still sticking around trying to make it work. I actually wish he would suggest a mistress because I sure as hell don't want to have sex. I think that most husbands around the world would be pretty chuffed at sex once a week.

scallopsrgreat · 10/01/2011 13:41

God what an utter prick. OP just adding my voice to the long littany of others. He will never make you happy, he will never respect you or your DC, he will never put yours or their feelings above his own. You are his property - nothing more, nothing less.

Can't really think of anything more to say other than the obvious - leave him, you are worth more than this.

SuperAmoo · 10/01/2011 13:59

oh dear, I just read the other posts - GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. Take it from someone who is further down the line with older children (DD1 ia 5 and DD2 is 18 months). I am trapped in a relationship with someone who threatens to walk out on the children forever if we break up. We did break up 3 and a half years ago but I was bullied and manipulated back together again. Now I feel like it's impossible to leave because DD1 is 5 and would be DEVASTATED. I regret daily my decision not to break up when DD1 was 1.5 - it would have been SO much easier and in hindsight, she would not have been that affected by his departure and would have BEEN WELL SHOT OF HIM. It won't do your DD any harm at all at 8 months never to see her biologial dad again and by the sound of it, it would be a good thing. He sounds childish and manipulative and selfish. I am totally miserable - don't end up like me. Go now.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 14:15

so sorry, SuperAmoo

btw, although your dc is 5, she will soon get used to a new set-up, I promise you

it is never too late

children are incredibly resilient

are you planning on staying in a shit relationship for the next 13 years ???? Confused