Fitting in, or not.

[IAmReallyFabNow]

I have had a good clean and tidy up in the kitchen today in between making bread, rich tea biscuits, chocolate muffins and a roast dinner. Having just been looking for somewhere to put a pile of stuff that I need to sort it dawned on me that it is representative of me feeling I have no place in this house, family, world.

I could hazard a guess at why I feel like this but I just feel sad that I have felt it at this moment, even though I have probably always felt it.

You need a dictaphone then...

That is a brilliant idea. I already talk to myself, I might as well make it worth while .

I have had a really lazy day today. I dropped the kids at school and then nipped to the shop. I have done all the washing and swept the kitchen floor but other than that all I have done is write all the cards I need for the next 6 months and made some new cards. Haven't even been on here!

Lol @ talking to yourself Fab - I think you and I would get on brilliantly in RL

Not only do I talk to myself, I answer myself [. And I love carrots and celery .

I have whole arguments with those I WANT to have arguments, out loud. ...but they are not actually present...

It vents my anger, and structures what I'm thinking and then when and if I DO find myself in that conversation, I can do it calmly, or tear their head off their shoulders and win the argument cos I've practised already

I did have a very strange life for a while, I blame it on that...

Yes, I argue with people in my head too . I wish I had the nerve to say it out loud and one argument I really want to have was a while ago so missed the chance. I didn't want to hurt them even though they had devastated me and could have compromised my children's safety.

Anyone know where I can get a dictaphone?

You obviously have a sadness hangover from what sounds like shitty childhood that has left you feeling lost and worthless.

You really need to properly explore that through counselling. You deserve it.

But as everyone else is politely trying to say - get your teeth stuck into something interesting for you, use your brain and your skills. Retrain and get a career! I would go bonkers without my v busy but bloody satisfying and exciting career!

Some SAHMs are perfectly happy and great for them, you are not and in my opinion have too much time on your hands to think. If I was baking and Lego sorting all day my mind would be working overtime about my toxic mother, childhood sadnesses, family feuds etc etc. If you have counselling, it will be a healthier, contained way of processing all the stuff you went through etc

I do enjoy working and find the volunteering work enough in that I wouldn't want to do more days, but I have a degree in avoiding things and know I need to process things. I have made a start and will take things one at a time. I have had counselling and haven't found it helpful as the counsellor doesn't understand me or what I have been through.

OK well I'm hearing two excuses there, sorry to be harsh!
Stop avoiding and take action, do something that really floats your boat.
Counsellor - yes some are shite or just not right for you. You will find the right one for you if you research a bit, have a chat with a few. I found an amazing woman many years ago - she was a nutter really, awfully unprofessional, larger than life but a total and utter life saver for me. She dragged me back into the real world when I was drowning.

about the excuses and I don't read anything harsh in your post. Anyway, sometimes you need harsh.

My head is buzzing at the moment with what I need to work through and I don't know where to start. I get that a lot coupled with the fear of opening old wounds.

I appreciate your posts .

Hey OP. Actually think your post is really sad (but nice to see that you seem to have got gradually happier over the course of the thread ).

We all need roles in life, but more than that we need those roles to be well defined. E.g. you know that you are a mother, but how well do you know what that really means? It is obvious, but we take on and learn different roles throughout our lives and the most formative ones are those we experience in our family as we grow up. You've obviously had a bit of a nightmare on that front. I'm not going to bother with the cod-psychology but there may be a case for getting a professional on board if you are that way inclined (you might have a better experience this time, and I think possibly a therapist might be more helpful than a counsellor bearing in mind your stated desire to understand yourself more). There can be a real benefit in looing at your past experience and understanding how it has shaped you. And it isn't all negative either - you come across as a lovely person and this will be in part due to some of the horrid things you have been through. Strange but true!

Re people commenting on the need for you to be more selfish and start doing things for yourself... well, I'm not so sure. Just because many of the things you do are ostensibly for other people, it doesn't mean that you don't get any benefit from them. I just think its great that you do get so much satisfaction from helping others. What is important though, is that you are happy to let others do things for you. It is also crucial that you are comfortable with just sitting down and doing nowt when you feel the need.

Either way, good luck with everything and keep baking!

Thank you .

I know why I am weird with some things. For example I love cooking and baking because I wasn't fed as a child. I love how much my children love my cakes and biscuits .

I am off for some lunch and then I am going to get my notebook out.

Thanks again .

Fab you said "I am only a Fab because I married one", but I think that is wrong. You are a Fab because your husband CHOSE you. Out of any number of women he could have chosen, he chose you (and you chose him, obviously!), and continues to choose you - proven by the fact that he is still there. Your children love you, and probably take you for granted because that after all is what children do with great mums.

It sounds like you had a shitty childhood, so even more reason for you to feel PROUD of yourself that you have broken away from that, and are raising great kids and have a solid relationship with your husband.

Thank you SOC. I am dh's only girlfriend so I wonder if he married me just because he had someone . He said not when I asked . He has had lots of reasons to leave me and hasn't yet though .