Fitting in, or not.

[IAmReallyFabNow]

I have had a good clean and tidy up in the kitchen today in between making bread, rich tea biscuits, chocolate muffins and a roast dinner. Having just been looking for somewhere to put a pile of stuff that I need to sort it dawned on me that it is representative of me feeling I have no place in this house, family, world.

I could hazard a guess at why I feel like this but I just feel sad that I have felt it at this moment, even though I have probably always felt it.

Being selfish isn't something I do very easily. Even some things I do around the house isn't for me but I do enjoy doing them. I get a sense of achievement.

And actually I do get something out of volunteering as I get to feel useful.

I think if you sat yourself down and weighed up everything you did for everyone else, you'd see why you are feeling a little flat.

Of course doing things for others is immensely rewarding, but try to look at this through a childs eyes, totally black and white thinking...

Is feeling USEFUL something that makes you jump for JOY? USEFUL is not a very exciting, emotive or happy word is it? It's utility, fit for purpose, does what it says on the tin.

USEFUL is Not exceeding expectations, vital, needed, desired, wanted, adored, striven for, ambition is it?

Please take some time to allocate yourself a little FAB-Time. A massage once a month, a pedicure, your nails... When was your last hair-do?

It's so easy to get stuck in the treadmill of others, and you are to be admired for doing so much for so many. But who is caring for YOU?

New Years resolution/challenge, starting NOW. I want you to think of something you haven't done either ever and always wanted to, or haven't done for ages that you could arrange fairly easily.

LMHF - I find you quite scary but I don't really know why . I felt got at but I know that isn't what you mean and I suspect it is because I am not used to being told to take time for me, etc. I know DH wouldn't care if he came home and the house was a mess because I had had a day reading a book or just painting my nails, but I would find it hard to do that when there is so much that needs doing. Friday used to be my morning for pottering about as I would have got jobs done earlier in the week, but I volunteer in school then so just have a few hours and jobs to do as I don't get them all done in the week now we have more children.

This thread has changed from what I originally posted. Even that is strange but interesting.

Oh love, I am so not scary....

I think you could be right though, it's not ME that's scaring you, it's YOU being scared of putting yourself first, because it's outside your comfort zone.

Grab this iron while it's still hot, please. Sit and give yourself time to think why you are feeling fear, fear of what? What is going to happen if you just allow whatever is driving the fear to continue?

This is a really good chance you have to really work out what is driving you and why.

I had this exact same moment when I suddenly realised I was terrified of being outdoors. I stopped myself and centred myself, took literally a minute or two to allow myself to FEEL the fear, ask myself questions about the fear and try to get to the bottom of it.

it was the one of the most amazing things I did for myself in years!

Once I did this, I could tell myself it'd be OK, I wasn't 'in trouble' for being outside, that no-one was going to 'catch' me, that I was allowed.

Ask yourself the questions and find out what's up. I promise you that you will be on the path to finding out why you are finding life a bit flat and you will be in the best place to do something about it!

I know one thing I am scared of but not sure I could explain it very well or know how to fix it.

I find it hard to do something for me when there are jobs, etc that need doing. DH prefers to have some chill time and then do chores. I can't settle until certain jobs are done.

Fab, I was wondering what the thread was meant to be about. I thought you meant you felt as if you didn't belong and that you do things for other people so that at least you can feel useful, not that you don't have your own space in the house, or any time to indulge yourself. I thought it was about feeling you had to earn the right to exist at all.

Do you like your house, Fab?

I often feel like I have no place in my house, because although I do the lion's share of caring for and maintaining it, I have never felt particularly fond of it.

DH bought this house when we were dating and it was only supposed to be a stop-gap. Then the market was silly, his job looked precarious and 3 DCs arrived... 12 years later, and we are still here.

We were talking recently about moving or extending and the DCs were horrified at the thought of leaving their home. DH also has a Waltonesque view of home but I would love to move pretty much anywhere. Nothing here is really mine, lack of finances have meant that most things are a compromise. The kitchen is vile although I spend most time in here. Our bedroom is a dumping ground. The bathroom is tiny and there is always someone knocking on the door. Everywhere else has been taken over by children.

Part of me is pleased that I have made a pile of bricks into a home but I've never carved out my own space because that would be admitting that I actually live here.

Yes, it is. I don't feel I belong and don't feel I am wanted or have a place. My parents didn't want me and I have felt that my dh would get rid of me now I have had his children. I told him this and he told me not to be so silly. My mother took great delight in telling me she must care about me as she changed her mind about having me aborted. I am just not sure what to say to that. A lot of what I feel is subconscious I think as I don't think about my parents very much at all.

FoundWanting, no I am not settled here and haven't been since DH said it wasn't our forever house. We moved here on a whim almost as I told dh to either stop looking at houses or to put ours up for sale.

I have recently redecorated the whole house and I am pleased and proud of that but I long for the day we can move.

FoundWanting, no I am not settled here and haven't been since DH said it wasn't our forever house. We moved here on a whim almost as I told dh to either stop looking at houses or to put ours up for sale.

I have recently redecorated the whole house and I am pleased and proud of that but I long for the day we can move.

Sorry, ramble ramble ramble.

I think what I'm trying to explain is that when you spend so much time and energy making and maintaining a home for those you love, it is easy for your own needs to get lost or overlooked.

As a child, I moved house 11 times and I never felt secure. Now I sometimes think I've done to good a job for my family, and if I disappeared things would continue to run smoothly for quite some time before they noticed I'd gone.

Shit. What if this is our forever house?

Fab what did you do before you had dcs, or rather what is your "potential"?
Your place in this world doesn't come from how your parents treat you, however despicable that may be, it comes from what you make of yourself. No one else can give you your place. You have to decide it for yourself.
Are you quite clever? Are you well qualified or could be well qualified if you had the time, money, opportunity?
I get the feeling you could.
I also get the feeling that you spend a lot of time very physically busy but with time for your mind to mull things over and contemplate a lot.
Motherhood can be like that sometimes - physically demanding but not always highly stimulating mentally.
I suspect your brain needs something more to get its teeth into.
Is there something that interests you? Is there a nightclass you could take, or a college course, or a gcse etc that would stimulate your brain a bit more and give it something to get its teeth into?
I suspect it would help you to feel more earthbound.
If it is any consolation, many people experience the thoughts, feelings, doubts you express - they are part of the normal psyche.

The challenge is to do something positive with them.

I moved a lot too as a kid and sometimes with very little notice so I find it hard to settle. Our forever house is the next house we buy and it will have everything we want.

Before I had my children I worked as a nanny. I have also done retail. I went off to work abroad for a year with no thought at all and I have had writing published.

I used to be clever but never get chance to use it these days.

I would love to be a social worker. I would love to foster kids. I would love to foster animals. I have a lot of animals. DH said no more kids so I got more animals. We stopped having kids as my life was at risk with the last delivery and I also knew that even if I had another baby I would still want another one as it would never fill the hole I have in my heart.

Oops, didn't know I was going to put all that.

Fab your situation sounds extremely similar to mine.
I would recommend, if you don't already, getting yourself a big blank notepad or book or similar where you can write down everything and anything that comes into your head, however weird, wacky, horrid, repulsive etc it may be. It gets it out of your head and stops it spinning around in there.
I would also recommend getting 2 other notepads: one for writing ideas, and one to begin writing in again.
What you write will probably be absolute twaddle for quite a long time but eventually you will start producing what you used to be capable of.
As for your heart, you will be surprised how many mums feel the same. I too can have no more dcs as I would be at risk and it seems ufair to the 2 healthy children I have to put them at that risk, and my dh of course. I too fill the gap by rehoming all sorts of animal waifs and strays and find it very satisfying. I identify with them a bit and recognise their need for a new beginning and their right to be loved, even if they haven't been in the past.
As for the social worker, I have a good friend who just did it. She took herself off and got herself the qualifications to train to be a social worker, trained to be a social worker and now works in child protection (as well as being a mum to 3 dcs under 5). The sky is the limit.
Make yourself your place in it and use all that energy whizzing around in your head.

How old are your children?

Is the voluntary work you do at school likely to lead anywhere?

I give English lessons to a group of children who have recently moved here. Voluntary at the moment, but I'm hoping it will help me get in to a job eventually.

I'm sorry I'm afraid I'm not up to discussing the sadness in your life - although I do feel for you.

It does sound to me as if you're under-employed (and I say that as an SAHM of 15 years!)

I appreciate you enjoy the time you spend in school, but I wonder if a more mentally challenging type of voluntary work might provide you with more stimulation?

I was prompted by another thread to look at do-it.org earlier today, and was amazed by the variety of roles there are available; things like mentoring for troubled young people/helping the probation service provide literacy and numeracy help to young ex-offenders/doing arts and crafts at an old people's home/curating museum exhibitions/receptionist at at counselling service - all kinds of things that could give you a completely different outlook at least for a small part of your week.

And there's always CAB, of course - I'm struggling with training for that at the moment. Maybe too soon for you in terms of time needed, but could be worth considering for the future?

Ooh puppy fostering was actually one of the volunteer roles! (Don't want to stir up trouble with your DH though!)

My children are between 5 and 9. I don't know if the school volunteer work will lead to anything and tbh I don't want to work full time. I know I wouldn't be able to get everything done and it would stress me out too much. I also have FM and are not meant to do too much.

I wouldn't be able to do puppy fostering at the moment as we have a cat who is ill and can't take any stress in her life. I will definitely do it in the future though and will also be offering to volunteer at the animal rescue centre in September.

The notebook and writing ideas are brilliant and something I will do. I have a notebook that I write things down that I remember from when I was a child.

I wasn't suggesting more volunteering as a way of leading to a job - I'd be the last person to advise on that frankly.

Just that there might be something out there that fulfills you in ways you hadn't expected, or is such a total change from your daily life as to be refreshing.

I think the animal stuff may be really fulfilling but it will be more "busy" work and I feel you need something more mental as well. It sounds like you are very busy already but lacking depth in what you are doing. I think you need to do something for you rather than more for other people and I think you need to do something intellectual really.

I have made a start on writing a book several times but I can't write/type as fast as my brain goes . The best thing I have ever written was done so out of nowhere in about 20 minutes flat.