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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

do I walk away from this marriage?

56 replies

nuname · 04/10/2005 10:30

Not a troll, just so embarressed about this I can't possibly risk anyone I know finding out. This is also the reason I am posting here and not talking to somoene I know, which is what I would usually do in this situation. I also just need opinions from people who don't know me or my husband.

I feel sick writing this. I have been with my husband for a relatively short time - 6 years - but we have had two children together. Most of the time things have been very good between us. His job means that he works with young people (teenagers mostly) as he teaches art outside of the education system. There have been many ocassions I have worried about the way he behave with the groups that he teaches, I have felt some of the things he regards as "ok" inappropriate, eg. going to the pub with them, and I have always felt worried about the fact that he seems to think it to be fine for him to recieve extra attention from the girls - and reciprocate it. I have seen it wuth my own eyes - he has tried to make out that I am imagining it or that I am some sort of paranoid cow.

To cut a long story short he admmitted to me that after a night of heavy drinking with a group of young people (some over 18 but some not) he was unfaithful to me - it was a girl who had left his class a few months ago. He did not say how old she was but I suspect 17 or 18. He is 36. He claims it went no further than kissing and hugging. He is blaming alcohol, but has also admitted that he was carried away by attention he was recieving from more than one girl that night.

I feel disgusted. A drunken snog with a work colleague would have hurt and I could have forgotten about it. But a teenager? I know many other mums of girls will know what I mean when I say I feel worried about my own little girl - who will after all be a teenager too one day.

I can't look at him, I don't want him anywhere near me. I don't know what to do. I can't love someone who abuses their position of power in this way - it makes me feel sick that he could even be in that job because he has an attraction to teenage girls.

What do i do? I don't want my children to be hurt in all of this but I am not sure I can live with him in my life, never mind ever love him again.

Please help me, I need to know whether my reaction to this is too strong as I feel so hurt.

OP posts:
Mum2girls · 04/10/2005 10:32

It's very early days and you have the right to feel all you are feeling.

Is he sorry? disgusted? contrite? ashamed?

Fangache · 04/10/2005 10:35

Nuname - My gut reaction is to say that he needs to be reported. He should not be teaching teenagers and behaving this way!!!!

But aside from that issue.... he has cheated on you. Was he sorry? How did you find out... or did he tell you? And if he told you why did he tell you?

Maybe the girl was younger than that!

Original poster
nuname · 04/10/2005 10:36

He is all of those things, but it doesn't seem to make any difference to the way I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
nuname · 04/10/2005 10:39

I relly hope she was not younger than that. I am disgusted that he was sitting in a pub getting drunk with kids of that age anyway.

He told me himself, about 20 minute into us having sex - he could obviously not carry on.... I don't know if I will ever be able to be with him in that way again.

OP posts:
moondog · 04/10/2005 10:39

nuname,there are two issues.
Not only is he getting drunk with young people but also behaving inappropriately with them.
It is a very worrying situation indeed.

I would think that the first thing he needs to do if he is to salvage your marriage is to stop doing this sort of work.
He sounds rather immature and easily swayed.

Mum2girls · 04/10/2005 10:40

Is there anyway you can get a break away from him? Could he go and stay with parents of a friend while you sort your feelings out?

laligo · 04/10/2005 10:40

nuname so sorry to hear your tale.

what worries me is that you noticed this tendency before. so if i were you i'd be feeling the same - disgusted, worried and considering ending it.

you don't say anything in your post about loving him or not wanting to lose him...

but of course as m2g says it is very recent, a big shock and you need to take your time and think it over. message boards are here for these very situatons; i'm sure discussing it here will help.

ebbie22 · 04/10/2005 10:41

Are you sure that they didnt sleap together?And if they did,did they use protection..Havent really any advice,how old are your children?

Original poster
nuname · 04/10/2005 10:42

thankyou to those who have replied - I need to pick up my little girl now so will be out for a short while but I would really appreciate anyones opinions and or advice. I will be back soon - I feel such relief at being able to tell somone and talk.

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Fangache · 04/10/2005 10:45

Nuname - I think your fears are totally founded.... he is acting completely inappropriately with teenage girls.

Amanda1 · 04/10/2005 10:47

Message withdrawn

jabberwocky · 04/10/2005 10:50

So sorry to hear what you are going through nuname. I agree that he may need to get into a line of work that does not involve clients/pupils of this age group. In addition, the two of you should head into counselling ASAP. I would never advocate staying together just for the children, however, they are a factor in your decision, so best not to make any snap decisions about the longterm, even if you decide for a short break to get your breath, so to speak.

PollyLogos · 04/10/2005 12:09

I'm very for you, it is a shock to find out that the man we love/live with/have a family with can act in such a way.

Apart from anything else he needs to see ? a concellor as to my mind, as well as betraying your trust, he is betraying the trust of the parents of these teenagers. When they send their children to have art lessons they presumably don't expect this too! I know teenage girls can be very flirtacious but he should be above that.

The coach of my 15 year old daughters sports team was very flirtacious with one of the girls in the team last year and I felt it was most inappropriate. I sort of 'excused' it to myself as he was 20 and she was 16. Your husband though should be able to handle this sort of thing without getting drawn in.

Don't act in haste but the situation does need some serious thought from all involved.

Original poster
nuname · 04/10/2005 12:19

thankyou again for replies. I think a short break would do us good too - I honestly can't sort my head out with him here. Of all things I seem to be getting drawn in to feeling sorry for him. Ridiculous I know.

Laligo - I know you, are right - I don't say anything in my first post about loving him and not wanting to lose him. If you were asking me about the man I knew and loved last week, I would have done anything to be with him and losing him would have been the worst thing, an unimaginable pain and loss. But he is no longer that man....he is someone else.

I have lost all respect for him, and I can't help but feel I deserve to be with someone who is not a sick sorry excuse for a man who takes advantage of young girls who look up to him.

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Original poster
nuname · 04/10/2005 12:30

Somoene stop me - I am so tempted to tell his mother, who has always accused me of not being a dutiful wife by not taking enough of an interest in his work, not going to social events etc.

She would never believe this of her precious son.

I asked him to go and stay with his parents for a few days but he said he couldn't as he would have to make up some excuse.

I am on teetering on the edge of ringing her. Is that totally wicked? I just want to punish him and make him face up to what he has done.

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Fangache · 04/10/2005 12:33

Nuname - I would! DO IT! He needs a shock to stop this flirtatious behaviour! This is a major problem and he could lose his job!!!!!!!

Mum2girls · 04/10/2005 12:38

Nuname he must find somewhere to go - where is up to him. He needs to respect your feelings. It's perfectly acceptable for him to tell his parents that there are problems, but he wishes not to discuss them at present.

Whether to tell his mum or not? depends on whether you see any kind of life with him in the future.

franke · 04/10/2005 12:40

Nuname - I really think you should not ring his mum. As you say, she won't believe it of her precious son anyway. I think you need to get things clear in your own head before you start involving other members of the family, if possible. It's understandable that you feel angry enough to do this right now, but I don't think it will help at all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
nuname · 04/10/2005 12:41

do you think it would be difficult in the future if we stay together and I have told his family mum2girls? They would never see him in the same way - but why should I be the only one who feels like that?

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Original poster
nuname · 04/10/2005 12:42

You are right - she would not believe it, and if she did I honestly believe she would probably say it was my fault for not being with him that night.

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Fangache · 04/10/2005 12:43

I must just be bitter and spiteful!

FWIW Nuname, I've been with my DH for 6 years and we have 2 kids too.

I find it quite disturbing that you are worried about his behaviour with teenage girls to the extent that you're worrying about you own daughters in his presence when they become teenagers.

There is definitely more to this situation than the fact he was cheating on you.

Mum2girls · 04/10/2005 12:46

Nuname - I agree with Franke - momentarily it will make you feel better I guess, but what does it achieve in the long run - although tbh, I wouldn't blame you if you did call her.

I just think you should give yourself some time to work out what it is you want to do before taking what really is probably an act of revenge.

If however she gets wind of any problems and even subtley suggests it's of your making, then I think it would be completely justified.

mymama · 04/10/2005 12:46

I really feel for you and the situation you find yourself in. Telling his mum while you are so upset is probably not such a good idea. She may try to get too involved/take his side which may not help you sort things out properly. I must say that I think what he has done is disgusting and I think it is your obligation to inform his employers. I have a dd and I would be devastated to find out her teacher behaved this way. One of these casual flirtations could end up in a rape case if he picks the wrong girl.

Fangache · 04/10/2005 12:48

Mymama - Exactly! I think the issue isn't really the fact he kissed someone else (although its awful that he did that!).... but he is behaving sexually toward teenagers he's supposed to be teaching!!!!

Original poster
nuname · 04/10/2005 12:49

Fangache - I know. That is what makes this all so difficult. This is so hard that I keep sticking my head in the sand and trying to forget. The hardest thing is that although it is brilliant to be able to talk here - all I really want is someone (not him!) to hold me and let me cry, and to tell me everything will be alright. I am just too embaressed to go to anyone I know.

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