do I walk away from this marriage?

[nuname]

Not a troll, just so embarressed about this I can't possibly risk anyone I know finding out. This is also the reason I am posting here and not talking to somoene I know, which is what I would usually do in this situation. I also just need opinions from people who don't know me or my husband.

I feel sick writing this. I have been with my husband for a relatively short time - 6 years - but we have had two children together. Most of the time things have been very good between us. His job means that he works with young people (teenagers mostly) as he teaches art outside of the education system. There have been many ocassions I have worried about the way he behave with the groups that he teaches, I have felt some of the things he regards as "ok" inappropriate, eg. going to the pub with them, and I have always felt worried about the fact that he seems to think it to be fine for him to recieve extra attention from the girls - and reciprocate it. I have seen it wuth my own eyes - he has tried to make out that I am imagining it or that I am some sort of paranoid cow.

To cut a long story short he admmitted to me that after a night of heavy drinking with a group of young people (some over 18 but some not) he was unfaithful to me - it was a girl who had left his class a few months ago. He did not say how old she was but I suspect 17 or 18. He is 36. He claims it went no further than kissing and hugging. He is blaming alcohol, but has also admitted that he was carried away by attention he was recieving from more than one girl that night.

I feel disgusted. A drunken snog with a work colleague would have hurt and I could have forgotten about it. But a teenager? I know many other mums of girls will know what I mean when I say I feel worried about my own little girl - who will after all be a teenager too one day.

I can't look at him, I don't want him anywhere near me. I don't know what to do. I can't love someone who abuses their position of power in this way - it makes me feel sick that he could even be in that job because he has an attraction to teenage girls.

What do i do? I don't want my children to be hurt in all of this but I am not sure I can live with him in my life, never mind ever love him again.

Please help me, I need to know whether my reaction to this is too strong as I feel so hurt.

How are things today nuname?

You probably told your sister because at the end of the day, she is your sister and there is a connection there that is a bit safer than with a friend IYKWIM. I think in situations like this you do have to talk it over with someone and cry a bit, even over the phone.

could it be that he just has a problem more with self-esteem rather than inappropriate attraction to young girls? If so, that might be easier for the two of you to deal with. Of course, counselling, imo, is the only way to find out for sure.

Bad news is: he lied to me, the girl has not left his classes and he went out last night to teach a class she was in. He let that slip when we were talking late last night and I flipped, a) that he had lied and b) that he actually thought it would be ok to do that. He said he didn't know what else to do.

I told him that if he did not go to his employers and tell them what had happened and cease his work with that class I was gone.

So good news: He is not going to work at that venue anymore, his job will still involve young people but he will not be working with them directly.

His employers know that he has crossed a line but I don't think he went into detail. He is going to talk to them further tommorrow, whether he tells them the full story or not I don't know, but I think he will.

He has arranged counselling, he is beginning to see that my fears and frustrations about how open he is with these kids fit in to the picture, and has admitted that it is about his self esteem and the "hero" pedastol he is put upon. He has admitted to giving out the wrong signals in order to get more attention and a higher status.

I still don't know where I am with all this but I think things seem to be going in the direction of us giving things a chance - if he can admit that he has a problem and get help - but I wonder if I am being sucked in and swallowed because I don't want my kids to lose their dad.

Go with him being honest with his employers..I think if that is what he is doing then it is very hopeful that it has been a wake up call, your relationship just needs a bit of time to work through...

nuname sorry to say I don't believe he will tell them. How could they possibly keep him employed in any position near young people???? I hope he does tell the truth and sort it out so that you can build your relationship and your trust again.

The fact that he's lying to you proves that he knows he's done something wrong. If he were to tell his employers the truth I would imagine they will have to sack him, and there could be further consequences.

This is a very dangerous game he is playing, it could result in the loss of his marriage, children,work and future employment prospects.

Once trust has been breached in this way it is hard to see how it can be regained (and it would need to be for your relationship to have a chance)

Sorry that none of this is helpful but I do think it changes things that the girl is actually still one of his students.........