do I walk away from this marriage?

[nuname]

Not a troll, just so embarressed about this I can't possibly risk anyone I know finding out. This is also the reason I am posting here and not talking to somoene I know, which is what I would usually do in this situation. I also just need opinions from people who don't know me or my husband.

I feel sick writing this. I have been with my husband for a relatively short time - 6 years - but we have had two children together. Most of the time things have been very good between us. His job means that he works with young people (teenagers mostly) as he teaches art outside of the education system. There have been many ocassions I have worried about the way he behave with the groups that he teaches, I have felt some of the things he regards as "ok" inappropriate, eg. going to the pub with them, and I have always felt worried about the fact that he seems to think it to be fine for him to recieve extra attention from the girls - and reciprocate it. I have seen it wuth my own eyes - he has tried to make out that I am imagining it or that I am some sort of paranoid cow.

To cut a long story short he admmitted to me that after a night of heavy drinking with a group of young people (some over 18 but some not) he was unfaithful to me - it was a girl who had left his class a few months ago. He did not say how old she was but I suspect 17 or 18. He is 36. He claims it went no further than kissing and hugging. He is blaming alcohol, but has also admitted that he was carried away by attention he was recieving from more than one girl that night.

I feel disgusted. A drunken snog with a work colleague would have hurt and I could have forgotten about it. But a teenager? I know many other mums of girls will know what I mean when I say I feel worried about my own little girl - who will after all be a teenager too one day.

I can't look at him, I don't want him anywhere near me. I don't know what to do. I can't love someone who abuses their position of power in this way - it makes me feel sick that he could even be in that job because he has an attraction to teenage girls.

What do i do? I don't want my children to be hurt in all of this but I am not sure I can live with him in my life, never mind ever love him again.

Please help me, I need to know whether my reaction to this is too strong as I feel so hurt.

Exactly, it would be a case of 'shoot the messenger' (or evil daughter-in-law in this case) so probably counter-productive.

I think everything you've said here has such far-reaching implications - your future, you're children's future and the nature of their relationship with their father, his future career (obviously his responsibilty, and one he's jeopardised through his own stupidity, but a consideration nevertheless). The counselling route with or without him may help you get clear about what to do next. Sorry that's a bit wishy washy but it may help you feel supported and begin to focus rather than being eaten up by this terrible hurt and anger which must be so painful.

I'm very much of the opinion that it's best to keep parents out of the relationship and sort it out between you..

Otherwise whichever way it goes eventually the relationship with parents is compromised

It's important to discuss with him how he is going to sort this out with you and potentially with his work and even what he does if the girl makes a complaint

I would inform his employers if the girl was still in classes. Although according to him she has left. About a moth ago I had to stop him going to meet an ex - student for lunch, although he insisted it was perfectly innocent and that she was only wanting to ask him questions about getting work etc.

What upset me most was that she had his mobile number and that this "lunch" was being arranged through texts. I went loopy and he told me it was uncalled for - now look whats happened.

i think you should put space between you both,have time to think about him ,what he means to you,also give him time ,see if he packs his job in,if after that time you have any feelings left you could get professional help, ie marriage guidance.
iwish you well in these next few weeks.

I think this sort of behaviour is actually quite common especially with art tutors, no consolation I know..is it some sort of community project or a college where he teaches?

Its an arts venue with an education department attached.

nuname I know this must be hard for you to face but the real worry is that he doesn't think his behaviour is inappropriate and he doesn't care that it upsets you. Sorry to say but I can only see this happening again. He doesn't understand the morals and boundaries of his position.

nuname I agree with alot of posters that he has abused his position and his trust to you. It cant be easy for you, hope everything works out ok for you

myama - don't be sorry. I need to hear this stuff. I know he does see the fact that he got off with one of these girls inappropriate and that he does know how much damage this has caused between us. The problem is that he didn't see this coming as he doesn't feel any of the other things he has done in the past as inappropriate - and I have. He has admitted that he loves the attention he gets from these girls. I don't want to be with someone who needs that kind of sick thrill. I don't deserve this.

He has breached your trust in him and his position of trust in relation to a potentially vulnerable young person/s

Legally I think it makes a big difference whether she is 16, 17 or 18 and also whether the form of contact is educational etc

But the fact remains that he has deeply hurt you and needs to talk to you and realise what he has done...is serious

I'm sorry I'm not much help

I guess you need to think about what you want and ask yourself some questions. I really think you need to find someone you can talk to. I am sure you must have a friend who wouldn't judge you. I do think you are taking on the "shame" of it. You didn't do this - he did. Is he willing to do what you need to get through this??? Will you be able to trust him while he is at work???

Nuname,

Would you consider going to Relate counselling either as a couple or on your own?.

This may be a step forward for you.

At the moment I just can't see how any counsellor could help us make this right, but I would consider going. I don't think he would really admit that he has any sort of a problem to an outsider. I have tried to think about his life and how he as ended up in this situation, what it is that has made it nessecary for him to be so bloody sad and potentially throw away his life with a woman who truly loved him and two beautiful children. I can't get my head around it and I wonder if counselling would make that any easier to understand.

It is helping so much to know what others would feel/do and this support has probably stopped me doing something stupid. Thankyou all. Does anyone know about how long the waiting lists are for something like relate?

I have no direct experience, but from reading these boards it depends on where you are and on whether you're able to take appointments during the day (rather than evening when everyone wants them).

nuname, I get the impression the your dh compartmentalises his life and thinks of you and the children as one thing and his students as another. I know its not right and I would react exactly as you have done. I think for him its a self-esteem issue and nothing to do with you in the sense that you can't make him feel good about himself, only he can. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it. Like you I would have been extremely concerned by his previous behaviour but now that he has actually admitted infidelity it seems he has proven what you already knew he was like. Does he say he won't do it again (and do you believe him anyway).
Its a horrible situation and I really feel for you.

Yes, he says it will never happen again, that he will change, that he is sorry. Can you change overnight? And why should it take some horrible situation to enable that change to take place? I don't know if I believe that can happen.

Is he willing to go as far as changing his job?

There is a chance that he could do different work within the same organisation, he would still have some contact with young people but not be directly teaching. I don't think (although I do really appreciate your thoughts) that it is the answer. At the end of the day if he is the same person it does not really matter whether he is in a situation where he can get away with this or not. The fact that he has had this attitude of "compartmentalising" as you put it - probably since the beginning of our relationship makes me feel like everything has been a lie. I just don't know how to heal this, I can't ever see him in the same light. I want us to be able to get over this but I can't see a way out.

at the moment its impossible for you to know how you feel. I think it is serious enough for you to ask for a trial seperation with him moving out because he is totally the one at fault. Where he should go etc is his problem, don't get involved in that. You should take as much time as you want to see how you feel about it. You might decide to give him another chance, you might not. FWIW I don't know how I'd feel about it either. I've always thought I could forgive a one night stand or would at least try to forgive it but I totally understand your concerns about the girls age. I think it unlikely you have anything to worry about your own daughters though, many men have fantasies about younger girls and some 17/18 year olds are very mature. I was 18 and foolishly went out with a 36 year old for a while (unmarried one by the way).

thankyou bosscat. I am going to ask him to go tonight. So worried about what to say to the kids though...? I am terrified that they will end up being hurt through all of this.

I have only just read your message. My advice is that its early days - do not be hasty. You are hurt and upset (and rightly so). Tell him you need some space and ask him to go somewhere for a few days while you think about it - that is up to him where he goes and what he tells people. Then draw breath and really weigh things up. YOu need to sit and have a serious talk with him if things are going to work going forward. Tell him you feel what he does is inappropriate - how would he feel if roles were reversed and it was one of your children? If he cannot see that what he is doing is wrong then its up to you where you go from there. But I think you know yourself the answer to that one. Good luck

nuname i've just come back to the thread and had a few more thoughts... i would not tell his mum, as in my experience most mums tend to defend their own whatever the evidence, and that would just frustrate you. but maybe you could confide in someone - an old friend, a relative? i think it would help and you have nothing to be ashamed of at all. i understand the embarrassment but you say yourself you need that hug - so would i in your shoes - think about telling someone.

the other thing is in situations like this your instincts matter. of course you need to think things over and counselling might help, but, if it feels wrong to you, i would listen to that.

Hi nuname, I just thought I'd add another thought - if you stay together how will you feel/your husband act when your daughter is a little older and starts to bring her teenage friends to the house? As a married woman (and a teacher) I just find his behaviour totally unacceptable. He needs to give you some space to think things through and if he doesn't even respect you enough to do that then I would seriously consider walking away.

I also feel that his employers should know about this.

Teenage girls can be outrageous and see an older man as a 'target' especially a teacher but he should never have responded to her (if, indeed, she initiated things)or been in a situation other than an educational one but men and their egos are hard to part aren't they?

I hope you find some peace from this soon, take care xxx

thankyou rd, laligo and decaf. I know I should ask him to go. He will be coming home from work soon. I really am worried about the future, about the fact that he finds teenage girls attractive. I feel crap when I think about how I will be watching him like a hawk when we come in to contact with girls of that age, when my own daughter is that age. I am so glad that others feel I am not mad for worrying about this as I thought for a while yesterday that perhaps I was losing the plot and too angry.

I have not told his mum. I did manage to tell my sister today but I have just realised that she is probably the most distant (geographically & emotionally) person from me. I am not sure why I did that.