Hi FF, Just read this thread. I feel you have sound reasons for what you're doing. The fact that your bf is such a nice guy makes it all the more difficult for you to do this.
I had an ex like this, we were together a year when the girls were small. I loved him enormously, in fact I would say at that point I loved him more than anyone else I'd ever been with. But he was a commitment phobe and I had to do all the arranging. If I said, 'let's go to the cinema, or a concert' or whatever, he'd happily go with me, but it didn't occur to him to make the arrangements. He worked shifts and never knew when his days off would be, so I'd wait by the phone for days and then finally call him to find he'd just had his two days off and spent them at home playing his guitar. He just didn't understand why that wound me up.
After a year I began to ask questions about our future. At one point I said if he didn't envisage there being at least the possibility of a future together, then maybe we should split. I told him that I loved him too much to invest any further without there being at least the chance of a future.
A few weeks later after a great night out he gently told me he thought we shouldn't see each other any more. He had himself a new girlfriend lined up (I found out within a couple of days).
I was inconsolable and cried every day for months. I knew he had loved me in his own way and felt guilty, he continued to come and see me trying to soften things for me and I begged him to come back, but a few months later he went back to his home in Australia and took his new girlfriend with him, which was a terrible slap in the face for me. However within a year he had packed her back to London, and by then I felt sorry for the girl.
I knew that I'd loved him so much it had distorted my view. I vowed that I would never marry till I met someone I loved more. I knew that if I did they would always be in his shadow. I then had various relationships for the next three years, some better than others, but although I loved some of them (I love easily), I never wanted anything long-term with them.
Then I got sick of the bumpy ride and the meaninglessness of it all and I went into therapy. After a few months I knew I had to split with my then boyfriend who I did love but we'd always made better friends and I knew that deep down. I then decided to stay on my own and stop messing about until I met someone who was prepared to put into a relationship the same effort I would. Six months later I had got out of the habit of looking for someone, and I met my dh. I knew within weeks that he was the right person, and when I gave him the 'I need to know' talk, we were engaged within weeks.
I knew I'd met the person I could love more than the Australian guy, and I'd finally stopped pining for him. My dh is just as kind and sweet as he was, but far less lazy. He works as hard at things as I do. So it's better, and there's room for me to love him more.
FF, your bf is great, but I think you may be right about this. If he really wants you he will be back with more commitment. If not then you will have to get over it and hope you can still be friends. Then get yourself strong and not needy any more before you launch into another romance. Your Mr Right is out there, but he is so special that you might take a little time to find him. I assure you once you do you will never look at another man. He'll be worth the wait. xxx