Probably nothing but your advice please - texts

[pumperspumpkin]

This is all my fault for reading text messages (doh) - just want to know what you think and if I am reading too much into the text message I shouldn't have been reading.

For a long time I've been slightly concerned that DH is inappropriately close to his colleague. I don't think this is a case of deliberately doing anything, more that they work together and have done for years and now it's just the two of them in their team, and my concern has been that friendship and closeness could slip into something else, almost by accident? Anyway, I have got into the (bad) habit of checking his text messages every so often just to reassure myself. I do get a bit bothered that he often texts her in the evenings/over weekends/on holidays - they see each other every day at work. I do sometimes wonder whether her boyfriend knows/has any worries or if it's just me.

Anyway, this morning there was a string of messages (sometimes I have suspicions that there's been the odd deletion just because things don't quite tie up, or I've seen him texting at a certain time and then there's not a text sent at that time on his phone) sent in the period between Christmas and New Year. There's quite a bit of stuff about regulating her blood sugar (she's diabetic) and him saying to look after herself or he'll come up to keep an eye on her (I don't think for one minute he would actually, but it's the sentiment). In one of them she tells him that her boyfriend has given her diamond earrings for Christmas and she loves them. His reply: "I don't want to see them because if they are good enough for you, they are too good for work. See you tomorrow. Big hug x"

I don't send that kind of thing to my female friends, let alone straight male friends. Am I just overreacting and need a good slapping about text messages?

what do you think he means by the diamond earrings comment? Does he mean that he has put her on a pedestal? I cannot quite work out what he means.

At least she has a boyfriend so maybe not to worry so much?

This is highly inappropriate. I wouldn't be at all happy with this. (i don't get the earring comment either)

I must admit I wouldn't be happy if my DH was sending this kind of text to another woman. It doesn't mean anything is going on, but it does seem a bit too 'caring'. Are you able to speak to him about it and tell him how you feel?

If they have been working together for years and now are the only two left out of original team then it's only natural that they get on so well, they probably spend more time together than they do with anyone else. That doesn't mean that there is anything going on between them, just that they have developed a strong friendship.

It all sounds very intimate to me. It may be innocently intimate though.

Has he ever mentioned their friendship to you? Has he ever talked about the earrings or the diabetes? Does he say "oh, that was just a text from XXXX about her blood sugar" or has he never told you about how close they are?

I would tell him that you thought you'd heard a message come through on his phone while he was in the shower so you answered his phone and couldn't help seeing hhw much he had been texting her - is she all right? If she is poorly is there anything you can do to help? Open the subject that way and try to get him to talk to you.

It does depend a bit on how your relationship is structured, but that is what I would do.

I would be concerned about this. These things can really easily slip from being work conversations into personal ones and then disclosure of intimate details of their lives. Each little step is so insignificant as to be hardly noticeable to the people, but if they are texting a lot outside of work, then they could easily be slipping into more close personal stuff.

Sounds like already he is taking on some sort of supportive role - with the keeping an eye on her, and she might be very flattered by this idea.

Does he text other friends regularly? If he is a frequent texter then I'd worry less, but the idea that some might be being deleted would make me really uneasy.

I would have a really frank conversation with him about her. Explain that you worry because these things can slip from being totally appropriate friendship into something which is threatening the marriage, without that ever being the intention of the people concerned. His reaction to you raising it will tell you a lot.

I had a relationship like this with my former boss. Both of us were married, and many people assumed we were having an affair with each other, but we genuinely weren't - nothing ever happened, we were just very close friends.

Having said that, I can see how easy it would have been for something to start - we used to have work trips away, drunken nights out and were probably more emotionally intimate with each other than our spouses at one time.

You're right to be concerned, but don't jump to any conclusions without having a good talk with him first. It may well be innocent but if it's making you uncomfortable, it needs addressing.

I totally agree with oopsydaisy. If he voluntarily talks about her to you and tells you even some of the stuff they text about, then I would be less worried but if he tries to cover it up or gets very defensive about it, I would be slightly concerned.

I wouldn't worry about the earrings comment, more the opposite - I read it as he only sees her in work and expensive diamond earrings are inappropriate!

Agree with Loves2cycle - I would be very uneasy about this if it were my DH.

I think you're absolutely right to be concerned, especially about the intimacy of that text, the content of which is very manipulative. He's worded it rather clumsily and in a way it doesn't make sense, but it sounds as though he means that only if the earrings had been hugely expensive, would they have been good enough for her and that if that was the case, he didn't want to be reminded of the fact that her BF had spent that much, as that would make him feel bad. The question is, why?

You are right that what starts out as a perfectly innocent friendship can so easily cross the line, but for a long time, the protagonists are usually in a complete state of denial about it.

Give us some of the background to this. Have you met her and has he met her partner? What sense do you get of how he describes your relationship to her? How long have you been feeling uneasy and have you noticed any changes in your relationship since that unease started?

Have you ever had a conversation as a couple about fidelity and the dangers of friendships crossing a line? By this, I mean a "no blame" conversation, where it is openly acknowledged that you will both meet people to whom you are attracted and how you will deal with that?

I'll wait for your responses before making any suggestions about what to do next, but I just wanted to reassure you that your feelings are valid.

Thanks everybody for your thoughts. Re the questions above:

Yes, I've met both her and her partner on many occasions. We took the children round to theirs for tea just before Christmas in fact. When I was on maternity leave, I often used to join DH and her for lunch as we live near their office. I have been feeling slowly uneasy for several years but as for changes in our relationship - well, it's coincided with the birth of two children, my being on maternity leave, all the adjustments as you get used to life with children etc, feelings that I went from being City girl to "all I talk about is babies" maternity leave new mother, etc etc. We?ve never had a conversation about friendships crossing the line as you describe (whoops) - I suppose I am scared of raising it now because I think he could get quite defensive that I was saying they couldn't be friends or something. I can't stress enough how much I don't think either of them would go into anything as a deliberate thing. No, he doesn't talk to me about the texts he gets and it's not that he's sat in front of me texting all the time - it's just if I come into the room he might be finishing one off or something. He's not a big texter to everyone - he has a couple of friends where they might have a run of texts between them one evening and then nothing else for a while, not constantly on it with one person or another. If I see him finishing one off, or if I hear it go, I do sometimes say "who are you texting" or "who was that from" and he will tell me but never volunteer it.

This might sounds very manipulative and others will totally disagree with this suggestion, but one thing I would be certain to do is keep checking his phone.

You need some way in to seeing what's going on and it sounds like he may not tell you in his defensiveness. It feels wrong to be snooping, I have been there myself and it feels totally demeaning, but your instincts are telling you something is not right and you need to listen to those instincts.

Keep checking and make sure he doesn't become suspicious about you checking.

If his work colleague was male, would it worry you? How long have they been working together?

Working together for about 6 years. She was new there when we got married.

'If his work colleague was male, would it worry you? How long have they been working together?'

I think it is unfair to imply she is being oversensitive just because it is a woman. Re-read the earrings comment. He is saying that only the most expensive jewellery is good enough for her, implication is because she is so special. If the colleague was a man, would he have texted that kind of comment? I don't think so.

From what you've posted about his friend's texts to him and the fact that she has welcomed your friendship too, on the face of it, it doesn't sound as though she is encouraging this to cross the line.

However....I have seen enough affairs by now that happened despite the two families getting together and the reason I asked you about it, was whether you sense any chemistry when you see them together? Or whether you sense it in your H towards her, but not the other way around?

In her shoes, she might feel a little uncomfortable at the personal nature of these texts, but doesn't quite know what to do because she doesn't want to spoil what has always been a productive working relationship and happy friendship. So perhaps she is eager to include you and make friends with you, in the hope that this will put your H off, without her having to say anything too heavy?

It's not clear from your posts what is in the open domain? Do you talk about his concern for her diabetes? Has he behaved in a way that caused you discomfort when you were at her home recently? What is your H's interaction like with her partner? Do you get any sense that your H is critical of him and that he's not good enough for her? That the partner wouldn't take action if her blood sugar fell, hence your H would have to come to the rescue? I suspect there is more to this than just the texts, that is causing you concern.

I completely accept that you don't suspect either of them of deliberate actions, but it makes me wonder whether your H has an unrequited crush on his friend, but cannot admit this to himself or you? I wonder therefore whether it might be worth having a more general conversation about what is in the open domain and why that concerns you?

Get off your high horse Minnie, I don't think she is being oversensitive but I do think that she is feeling insecure and everyone making too much of that text about the earings isn't helping.

I think 60% of this is about how you see yourself. After kids it's SO easy to feel all frumpy and boring and dull and predictable... if you're seeing yourself like that, no wonder you're checking his phone & worrying.

I'd prescribe a gym membership (not saying you're fat! Just that it'll boost your self-image, give you a break, give you somewhere to go and yes, improve your body), beauty treatments, starting a new course/hobby/social thing, and STOP checking his messages! No good can come of that.

Agree with Beautiful

Sounds to me like he has an unrequited crush. If she was interested in taking things further then she woudln't be boasting about the gorgeous earrings her boyfriend gave her.

Perhaps she senses your H has a sweet spot for her and on some level likes the flattery and attention. I don't think you should be too worried about an affair happening - most likely an awkward and potentially embarrassing admission on your DH's part at some point, or his colleague having to extract herself.

Am only going on what's been posted in this thread and your responses to others' questions though. What does your gut tell you, honestly?

Sorry, meant to say: 'colleague having to extract herself or distance herself from the friendship'.

desiretochange I'm not getting on my high horse but your post is suggesting that it is just insecurity because it's a woman. I don't think that is correct here. I did also say further up the thread (under my Christmas name) that I didn't think anything was necessarily going on, just that she was right to feel uncomfortable about it.

pumperspumpkin

Was exactly in your situation in May 2010; I filed for divorce in June and decree absolute granted in November (after 37 years together). XH is now with OW, very happy together.

It all started with inappropriate texts and working together, etc. etc! Sorry if it is not what you want to hear but I did not think that it would happen to me either.

Whether to read someone else's texts is a really hard one to call - of course no sane, rational person wants to be doing that sort of stuff to their partner, whom they're supposed to trust. BUT if you have felt suspicions, but have nothing concrete to go on, just your own instinct, surely you do yourself a favour if you do some checking. Or else you could be leaving yourself in a vulnerable position.

OK, I agree if there are no grounds for suspicion, there is no justification for checking and it should not be done. When I had suspicions about my DH I used to check his phone - now I don't check as I have no reason to doubt him. I haven't bothered checking for weeks and weeks and am never tempted - it is not something that once started never goes away again. It is more that at a time of suspicion, it gives you a much needed window into someone's world.