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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Probably nothing but your advice please - texts

52 replies

pumperspumpkin · 05/01/2011 09:30

This is all my fault for reading text messages (doh) - just want to know what you think and if I am reading too much into the text message I shouldn't have been reading.

For a long time I've been slightly concerned that DH is inappropriately close to his colleague. I don't think this is a case of deliberately doing anything, more that they work together and have done for years and now it's just the two of them in their team, and my concern has been that friendship and closeness could slip into something else, almost by accident? Anyway, I have got into the (bad) habit of checking his text messages every so often just to reassure myself. I do get a bit bothered that he often texts her in the evenings/over weekends/on holidays - they see each other every day at work. I do sometimes wonder whether her boyfriend knows/has any worries or if it's just me.

Anyway, this morning there was a string of messages (sometimes I have suspicions that there's been the odd deletion just because things don't quite tie up, or I've seen him texting at a certain time and then there's not a text sent at that time on his phone) sent in the period between Christmas and New Year. There's quite a bit of stuff about regulating her blood sugar (she's diabetic) and him saying to look after herself or he'll come up to keep an eye on her (I don't think for one minute he would actually, but it's the sentiment). In one of them she tells him that her boyfriend has given her diamond earrings for Christmas and she loves them. His reply: "I don't want to see them because if they are good enough for you, they are too good for work. See you tomorrow. Big hug x"

I don't send that kind of thing to my female friends, let alone straight male friends. Am I just overreacting and need a good slapping about text messages?

OP posts:
macdoodle · 05/01/2011 14:22

snowpoint, you are in fact mistaken, you DID have an affair, being more emotionally intimate with someone other than your partner is cheating (albeit emotionally).

loves2cycle · 05/01/2011 14:28

I agree snowpoint with macdoodle there. It sounds like an emotional affair. How did it end up?

lowercase · 05/01/2011 14:30

could you use his phone for some reason, 'find' the text and ask him to explain?

does he 'big hug' you in text (if indeed you text...)

he needs a wake up call.

FiveFeetTwo · 05/01/2011 14:31

Ugh. I'm afraid to say that if I saw a text between my dh and a colleague like that it would make my heart sink.

I think it does sound like things are moving to another level, whether an emotional affair or a full blown physical one.

I hope I'm wrong.

Curiousmama · 05/01/2011 14:31

Yes agree with macdoodle, it is an emotional affair if you get too intimate emotionally.

What do your instincts say deep down? Is he sheepish? Tbh I have a male friend whom I text but we never put 'Big hug x' or even a kiss.

What do you plan to do about this? If it's bothering you that much then you may need to say something? But what do you think the outcome could be? If he is up to something then he'll start being shifty and texting secretly.

Is he on the computer much chatting on msn or facebook?

I would be very jealous if it were my dp tbh.

Original poster
pumperspumpkin · 05/01/2011 15:52

Thank you all again - so good to get other people's views. He's not on Facebook all the time or anything and no, he's never put "big hug" on a text to me - sometimes a x but never, never big hug.

I need to broach this without making it worse, and in the meantime you're right that whatever is or is not happening, I'm not helping by being insecure anyway. New year, new resolve I think.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 05/01/2011 15:54

It might be partly insecurity on your part but don't minimise your feelings by making excuses for them.

As someone else has said up thread, if I found texts like that on my (imaginary)DH's phone, I would be jealous and gutted too, so your feelings are completely valid.

There's a line being crossed here for sure.

TubbyDuffs · 05/01/2011 16:03

I wouldn't be happy about it either.

I think you need to speak to him about the texts and whether he has any feelings for this woman.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 05/01/2011 16:15

It's a shame you haven't answered all the questions posed by respondents OP, but I do want you to bear in mind something that the poster spidookly once said on another thread, which is that emotional affairs seem to have become culturally sanctioned in society, because people have a greater fear of being regarded as insecure and jealous, than of expressing perfectly reasonable disquiet about a friendship that threatens.

While I agree that your different lifestyle and motherhood might have contributed to your lower esteem, I don't think that making changes to yourself will solve this problem in its entirety (and Beautiful apportioned only 60% of your unease to these factors anyway.)

Fidelity doesn't take care of itself, no more than a relationship can. But so many couples think they are invulnerable to crushes and temptations, if they are to all intents and purposes "happily married". This means that they fail to put safeguards in their friendships, or express disquiet if one of them feels threatened. Don't make the mistake of being too introspective about this and beating yourself up about your "insecurity". Don't ever ignore your inner voice.

Original poster
pumperspumpkin · 05/01/2011 16:26

sorry - what questions haven't I answered? Not intentional!

OP posts:
nbyet · 05/01/2011 16:27

Could he not have meant it as in she is very high-maintenance and has very expensive tastes? As in a bit of a mickey take rather than him saying how wonderful she is?

noddyholder · 05/01/2011 16:29

It sounds dodgy and too intimate for just work colleagues.A text over the hols to say happy new year is one thing but this sounds like more

madonnawhore · 05/01/2011 16:36

Whether there are other issues in your relationship which compound your suspicion or if these texts are an isolated incident? Whether you've noticed any weird vibes between them, or from him to her when you've been in their company?
Do you believe he really would drop everything to go to her aid if she had a hypo fit?
And most importantly: what is your gut telling you?

Original poster
pumperspumpkin · 05/01/2011 16:49

Sorry! At work and trying not to be obviously Mumsnetting so keep flicking in and out.

No particular incidents - just a feeling of slight uncomfortableness about the situation with the two of them working so closely together. I haven't noticed anything in particular except the general feeling that work colleagues naturally have injokes etc that you're not part of because you don't know the people concerned (and it's not an office where generally they hang out much together so no opps to meet them). And when we went to her and her boyfriend's flat I got the feeling when we said goodbye that there was a moment as though he would have given her a kiss goodbye but didn't because I was there - you know that kind of hesitancy? And, remembering,(letting my paranoia out to run free now)- he used to go round to hers to change before the Christmas party because it was nearer the party venue (not this year though) and a couple of times he has been going up to town and stopped in at hers. I suspect boyfriend not there - he works away quite a bit.

I don't really believe he would drop everything to go to her if she had a hypo fit because she's 40 minutes away, lives with her boyfriend, it would be a big action to explain to me (why him go?) and also is very sensible so doubt she would let it happen - it just worries me that these are the sensible reasons why it wouldn't happen rather than him not wanting to, if you see what I mean.

My gut says - be worried, but that's not to say my gut is right.

I was worried about giving too much identifying detail away but I think I've gone beyond that point now so not being deliberately evasive by not saying before but I should add that she is our daughter's godmother. At my suggestion, on the ground that I knew she was a close friend and privately there was a slight feeling of "keep your friends close and your [potential] enemies closer" - I wanted her to see us as a family.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/01/2011 16:51

OP, are you going to do anything about this ?

or are you going to sweep your disquiet to one side because of the risk of looking "needy and insecure"

this is your husband and your marriage...you seem almost embarassed o be questioning them

why is that ?

who told you that you must swallow your concerns and not look like someone who gives a shit about what is going on in your husband's head ?

madonnawhore · 05/01/2011 16:59

I can understand how it would be a hard conversation to initiate given that OP has lost the 'moral highground' on a 'technicality' i.e. that she checked his phone. I imagine if he wanted to be evasive and deflect blame, he could use the invasion of privacy as a way to keep OP on the back foot.

The fact is that their friendship is definitely crossing the line of what's appropriate for your boundaries, OP, and you have a right to voice your concerns, and your DH has a responsibility to take on board those concerns and address them.

Malificence · 05/01/2011 17:05

I'm in two minds on this one actually - I'm always one for trusting your instincts if something feels off then it usually is.

However, if it was my husband and my marriage I wouldn't be concerned in any way , "big hugs" as a sign off isn't exactly intimate, if I saw that on DH's texts to a female friend/colleague I wouldn't think anything of it, but then he ends texts to me with "I love you", so that is my context.
I don't mind him having emotional connections with his female friends because that is the type of man he is, caring and thoughtful - it would be weird if he didn't care about people he knows, male or female.
That said, if I was ever uncomfortable with the way he was communicating with a particular friend, I would say something - I figure that I am his priority and his loyalty is to me and only me.

The bottom line is, speak to him about your concerns, don't apologise for feeling the way you do either.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2011 17:08

bloody hell, OP, you are leading a double life even if your DH isn't

you named her as godmother to keep her close (and keep your eye on her in case she stole your husband...) Hmm

this is madness

and much more than just a "vague" concern

stop trying to talk yourself into being a paranoid nutcase (even your opening title is apologetic, fgs), front out the fact you snooped and confront him

you can't live like this

ScaredOfCows · 05/01/2011 17:15

Pumperpumpkin I wonder if your husband would be happy with you having a similar close friendship with a male colleague, with many texts, 'big hugs', and rescuer tendencies?

I wouldn't be happy with what you have read. I think you need to discuss it with him and tell him what your fears are. It may well pull him up short and make him think about what he is doing.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2011 17:20

my last post sounds a little like I am blaming you

I am not

in your situation, I would be suspicious

your DH needs to reassure you, we cannot

and you are obvioulsy not in a position to reassure yourself

so speak to him

or are you frightened of what you might find out ?

loves2cycle · 05/01/2011 17:44

Oh dear from your last post OP I think this sounds worse than before. It sounds as though your concerns have gone on for quite some time. I think you need to really have a good think about how you approach it.

In your shoes I would want to raise the issue without giving away the fact I was reading text messages. Then I could look for further texts to see if there was any texts reflecting the (private) conversation you and your DH had.

I would need to know if they were sharing personal stuff about the relationship, because this would be enough for me to know they were having an emotional affair, even if nothing physical was/had taken place.

On the other hand, other people are saying you should tell him about the snooping and come clean about it all - and only you will know what is right for you. But you must do something, living with this sort of doubt is soul destroying. Maybe he is completely unaware of how worried you have been, he might be horrified that he has put you through that - you need to give him a chance to explain, or dig himself deeper if there is more.

ENormaSnob · 05/01/2011 18:14

I would be livid if my dh were doing what yours is.

Tbh I think it needs addressing.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 05/01/2011 18:36

Whether there is anything going on I'm not sure, but you are worried and have been for a very long time. I think it's time you spoke to your dh about your feelings.

ItsGraceAgain · 05/01/2011 18:57

My instinct, whatever that's worth, is that they are simply close friends ... but that your H has a bit of a crush on her. Some men feel (over) proective to any woman they care about and the texts you quoted suggest that to me.

Actually I think you should get the conversation going with him now. Just tell him you saw the texts, ffs, you don't have to go into forensic detail about it. Ask him to consider his feelings about her, etc. Get an true picture of the relationship.

I see no indication at all that she wants 'more' but that's not the main point. The main point is that you're living in a cut-price spy novel at the moment and THAT will damage your relationship. Man up! (OK, woman up)

Good luck, I hope it goes well. In fact, I hope it turns out she asked him what the hell that earring comment was about - I would!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 05/01/2011 19:06

Me too, Grace! Smile