Probably nothing but your advice please - texts

[pumperspumpkin]

This is all my fault for reading text messages (doh) - just want to know what you think and if I am reading too much into the text message I shouldn't have been reading.

For a long time I've been slightly concerned that DH is inappropriately close to his colleague. I don't think this is a case of deliberately doing anything, more that they work together and have done for years and now it's just the two of them in their team, and my concern has been that friendship and closeness could slip into something else, almost by accident? Anyway, I have got into the (bad) habit of checking his text messages every so often just to reassure myself. I do get a bit bothered that he often texts her in the evenings/over weekends/on holidays - they see each other every day at work. I do sometimes wonder whether her boyfriend knows/has any worries or if it's just me.

Anyway, this morning there was a string of messages (sometimes I have suspicions that there's been the odd deletion just because things don't quite tie up, or I've seen him texting at a certain time and then there's not a text sent at that time on his phone) sent in the period between Christmas and New Year. There's quite a bit of stuff about regulating her blood sugar (she's diabetic) and him saying to look after herself or he'll come up to keep an eye on her (I don't think for one minute he would actually, but it's the sentiment). In one of them she tells him that her boyfriend has given her diamond earrings for Christmas and she loves them. His reply: "I don't want to see them because if they are good enough for you, they are too good for work. See you tomorrow. Big hug x"

I don't send that kind of thing to my female friends, let alone straight male friends. Am I just overreacting and need a good slapping about text messages?

Whether or not there's anything "untoward" going on, the simple fact is, you're uncomfortable about it. In your book, he's crossed a line. Therefore, he needs to a) know about it and b) back off. That is, if he values your feelings above hers.

And for me that would be the crux of it. Is he prepared to consider my feelings, even if he thinks they're irrational.

For those who asked how my story turned out, my ex boss and I left the company years ago and live hundreds of miles apart now, but are still good friends and speak or see each other a few times a year. I always made a real effort with his wife, and we became friends too, so that she knew I posed no threat to their marriage. It's hard to define our friendship, I've never had one like it before or since, but it was close, without there ever once being a suggestion it would be taken further. I adored him but never felt any attraction towards him.

It probably was prophetic though, as XH turned out to actually be having a full blown affair with a female colleague he'd known for years. I always had a gut feel about her, too, but never wanted to voice it. I wish I had now. I think I was probably replacing the emotional intimacy I lacked in my marriage with my friendships at work.

I don't know if anyone's suggested this already, but there's a great book called Nor Just Friends by Shirley Glass, which might help you - it did me.