My life is a huge mess!

[scouserabroad]

This might end up being longer than War and Peace quite long, sorry. And thank you if you read it. :) I have posted about Dh before a while back under a different name but can't find the thread anymore. We have been together 7 years, married for 5, two DC aged 3 and 4.5.

Basically he has been verbally aggressive in the past, and threatened violence although he never went through with it though it came damn close a number of times. He stopped the threatening behaviour when I stood up to him.

He always said that he behaved badly because he didn't like his job, and now that he has changed jobs it will be OK, and it mostly has been OK, for the last 18 months or so. The thing is, whenever there is a problem in his life he takes it out on me, or starts the silent treatment. Obviously I can't solve all his problems but I would try to help if I could.

Now, I think he just doesn't love me anymore. He never wants us to do anything together, all he wants to do in his spare time is sit at home and look at the TV. I like TV as much as the next person but I would love to go out somewhere too. He refuses, and doesn't want me going out with friends either. I'm not trying to force him into going clubbing or anything, I'm open to suggestions of what we could do.

I know from experience that if I do go for a night out he kicks off (I did not come home very late / pissed or anything). I do go to an evening class and he doesn't mind that.

He does take the DC to the park etc. but doesn't want me to go with them. If I ask he just says no, and if I push it he says to leave him the fuck alone.

He is still interested in sex, but I am starting to feel worse and worse about it because it seems to be the only thing he likes about me.

Sometimes I get upset about all of this and then he says he does love me and why do I think he married me in the first place? He is totally against separation although if he's in a mood he does sometimes threaten to leave.

He is my first and only long term relationship and I have nothing to compare this to. I moved abroad to be with him and now my life is here but I feel very alone right now. I suppose that would be the case no matter where we were.

I am unemployed at the moment and I think that's making it all worse because I have too much time to sit on my own moping thinking. I am torn between feeling like I've been a prize doormat and partly that he has actually improved and I should count my blessings and just get on with it. Plus he has a nice side too and if he wanted he could be like that more often.

Life might be like this for another 20 years or even forever and I can't face that.

Sorry but your relationship sounds a bit strange. I think your last line has summed it up for you and you need to consider if you can stay with this man or if you can't. His job made him verbally abusive because he wasn't happy? No, sorry, it's not your fault if he doesn't like his job and he shouldn't take his anger out on you. Not allowing you to go to the park strikes me as very odd also. As you are currently unemployed, could you take a long holiday with dc's to consider your options?

Sorry to here your relationship is not good, but the only advice i can give you is from my past experiences.

i have a thread on here, called "what do i do" feel free to read it.

My H was emotionally and verbally abusive to me for a lot of years, (i had been with him for 20 years, married for 11) i just never really realised it until i broke down one day and told my best friend everything, she was brilliant so much support, and then in oct this year i stayed at hers for a few days with my DS, and she put me in touch with MN's
The ladies on here have been so supportive and the advice has been fantastic.

It gave me the strength and courage to stand up and see what was happening to me, but it took ages for me to do anything about it, cos i thought it was always my fault why my H was being like that to me.

My advice to you is dont stand for it, can you do what pinkicequeen has suggested and go for a holiday.

Your name seems familiar. Did you post about this in the summer in connection with a thread about an H who didn't want to go on holiday, or anywhere as a family or as a couple? Several posters came on to report having similar bores partners. I remember then posting that these men were wholly under-invested in their romantic relationships. Will hopefully respond more later, just wanted to check if this was you?

"He always said that he behaved badly because he didn't like his job, and now that he has changed jobs it will be OK...The thing is, whenever there is a problem in his life he takes it out on me"
Sounds familiar.
They don't change. At least, I believe they don't change. They may say it will change but it doesn't.

It's been recommended many times; Lundy Bancroft.

If this behaviour is an improvement then I dread to think what he was like before.

This doesn't sound like a way of life you can put up with for the rest of your life.

Why does he stop you from taking your DC out?

:(

What country are you in now?

Thank you for all your replies. :)

WWIFN: :) Yes I did post in the summer about H not wanting to go on holiday, or do anything as a couple. After that thread I had decided to go away on my own with the DC but never did in the end as H quit his job, and as I was on a temp contract I couldn't justify spending on a holiday.

Plumm: I meant he has improved because at least now he doesn't swear at me / make threats or anything like he used to. He threatened to hit me, and threw things at me a couple of times etc. After about six months of that I told him I would leave if he didn't stop. He could tell that I meant it 100 %, so he did stop. Though he will swear at me if annoyed, but I suppose a lot of people do.

He doesn't stop me from taking the DC out, he just doesn't want to come with us. Or he will take the DC out on his own, but doesn't want me coming with them. The four of us have been out together maybe once or twice in the last year.

I am in France, btw. H is originally from north Africa, and his family are still over there. After five years here I really do feel at home and I'm not thinking of coming back to the UK permanently but a holiday there might be a good idea. I haven't actually been back in all that time (though UK family have come to visit me here) - not sure why tbh. I think it's a combination of not wanting to travel on my own with the DC when they were little & H thinking it's a waste of money..

Ah, I thought so!

I think it's pretty significant that this is your first long-term relationship and so apart from your instincts, you don't have a template.

I can tell you though, that this is wrong. It sounds as though you walk on eggshells around him and that conflict is never resolved in a healthy or healing way. It also occurs that all the sacrifices in this relationship have been made by you - living in his adopted country, near his family etc.

This isn't just an unsociable man who doesn't want to spend his time with friends or his children. I seem to remember saying in the summer that the problem was he didn't want to spend time in public with you. So he doesn't mind going to the park with the DCs, but doesn't want you to come. He doesn't want to go out on his own with you, or go anywhere where you can be seen as a family or a couple. Why do you think that is, beyond not loving you?

I cannot see what you are getting from this relationship at all. He is giving absolutely nothing to your couple relationship and hasn't for some time, as far as I can see.

It begs the question, what was he like 7 years ago when you met? Did he woo you and show his love then? Did you go out together then and show public affection?

As the DCs get older, your relationship is going to come into sharper focus, because they won't want to bring friends to the house and he would probably discourage it. They will also start noticing that their parents' relationship is very different to others they have seen.

I think your unemployment and more time to think is a red herring. You have known for some time that this is not normal and really, what you need to work on is giving yourself permission that this relationship is not what you want for the rest of your life.

He wasn't at all like this when we met, we went out together all the time. He was never one for public affection because it is frowned on in his country. But we used to go out as a couple, hang around with friends, visit family... all the usual things.

For a while I thought he was ashamed of me because I put quite a bit of weight on when I was pregnant. But I've been back to a size 10 for about a year now, only a tiny bit bigger than when we met so it can't be that. It is very hurtful that he won't spend any time with me, I keep wondering if I am too boring / needy / naggy / just a pain in the arse! I wish he would just tell me straight tbh.

When DD1 was a baby I think I was a bit depressed for a couple of months, I used to cry for no reason then later cry again because I wasn't as happy as I should have been. Then six months after DD1 was born I was pg again, during that pregnancy I was very tired & felt like crap a lot of the time. All this got on Dh's nerves, so he used to go out a lot, though he did look after DD1 a lot too. I think that's when our relationship began to change, although it was still a million times better than it is now.

Then DD2 didn't sleep through the night until 22 months, and Dh never once got up with her but said it was my fault for being too soft. But he would get angry if I let her cry in the night so not sure what I was meant to do?

So we've had difficult times and it might be enough to bring out the worst in anyone. Only now the girls are older and things are no better between me and Dh so I'm starting to wonder what to do.

It does sound as if you need to start again and renegotiate how things are between you, if you are going to stay in this relationship.

at you being sworn at. I would absolutely hate that.

Do you have peace of mind? Are you ever relaxed around each other?

Sounds absolutely miserable to me. I honestly don't think anyone should stay in a marriage where they get so little affection and respect.

Hand on heart, what do you want to do? Rule out "wave a magic wand and make him nice" because that's well outside your power.

And yes, get the Lundy Bancroft book (easily available on Amazon).

There is no relationship to save here, sorry. Can you ever imagine this situation turning round and you being happy to spend the rest of your life with this git man? Being told where you can go, and when, being used as a verbal and sometimes physical punchbag, and a sex toy when he feels like it? What a loathsome thought. You deserve better, and so do your children. Don't kid yourself that they will be happy knowing that mummy and daddy don't ever go out together (like normal families), even if they haven't picked up on the unpleasant atmosphere yet.

Just leave. There is nothing to salvage. If your husband has a nice side and could be like that more often "if he wanted to," then he is CHOOSING to treat you like this. It is a good choice as far as he is concerned, because it keeps you just where he wants you.

I agree. Sorry Scouser.

Scouser - sorry, but I agree too. It's not a case of a few things being 'not quite right' - you haven't been out together more than 4 or 5 times in a year - it's not normal & not right. You and the children deserve to have a much better life than this :(

:( I needed to hear all this. In fact it makes me feel better because for a long time now I've been slightly unhappy without really being able to pinpoint why. The thing is at the moment he is rarely openly nasty, I hate when he swears at me and refuse to listen to him until he apologises so he is usually polite now.

I am going to order the book that Oldladyknowsnothing mentioned - I keep seeing it recommended on here!

I don't have to make a decision right now because H works away at the moment, he is only home one day a week (which has made me realise that I am quite capable of surviving on my own!) I think I will talk to him and say that if things don't change then we will have to split up. It will be a difficult talk because he tends to blank me / tell me to fuck off / walk away if he doesn't like what I'm saying. I might write him a letter which he can read during the week while he's away.

I've been thinking a lot about why he doesn't want to go out with me. He used to say that it was because I'm too soft on the DDs and they play up when I am there. I honestly don't think that they are any different to any other children their age and I'm not sure if it's just an excuse or what. It's making me really navel gaze question everything about myself - what could be so wrong that my own husband will not spend time with me?

I really believe in the idea behind 'for better, for worse' (even though we had an Islamic wedding with no vows like that ) and I'm finding it difficult to accept that I can't stick with him any more.

Oh and pinkhair, I read part of your thread. I hope that things work out for you too :)

Well I am a practising christian but I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive marriage, especially when there are children involved. For better or for worse is about supporting each other during the bad times. It doesn't mean that one partner gets all the Better and the other has to put up with all the Worse. One person cannot sustain a marriage.

I don't think you are ever going to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to be out with you or why he treats you with contempt. Even if you did, it is unlikely that he is going to have a sudden rethink and start behaving like a decent human being. I honestly think that you should not waste too much time on it. Deal with the facts, rather than the possibilities.

Hear hear for Provincial Lady. My ex used to make himself feel better by making me feel worse. That's not how it's meant to work.

I also recommend keeping a diary - it can be really enlightening to see how constant the bad treatment is (sometimes your brain starts to "forget").

I'd also get legal advice about the best way of sorting out custody of your dcs, if there's even a chance he might take them. I know you haven't said anything along these lines, but (a) I'm projecting from my own situation and (b) it's not unknown amongst North Africans.

I think it's possible that what is happening here is that your H is in fact a racist and is ashamed of being seen in public with you because you are not from the same ethnic/cultural background as him. You are good enough to service him domestically and sexually, but he doesn't want to treat you like a human being and acknowledge you as his partner.
I would suggest you look into the practicalities of separating from him, make sure you have all the correct legal facts etc at your disposal and then tell him that the marriage is not working and you are going to leave. TBH make sure you have a good immediate escape plan in place as a man who has been violent in the past will probably get violent again when his control over you is blatantly challenged - before you tell him his sorry abusive arse is dumped, be prepared to grab the kids and one small bag and run if necessary, though hopefully it won't come to that.

I'm not normally one to jump on the bandwagon and say just leave him but the fact of the matter is that you are in an abusive relationship. You've made an important first step in admitting that there is a problem (even if it is just to a bunch of anonymous people of the internet). A lot of women stay in abusive relationships for the sake of the children when really they should be leaving for the sake of the children - you really don't want them to think that this is a normal adult relationship because chances are that when they grow up they will repeat the cycle of abuse. You've also said that he says you're too soft on the children - I would be worried about how he is treating them when you aren't there.

Plus he has a nice side too and if he wanted he could be like that more often.

he is just not that into you, sorry

he could be nicer to you, but chooses to show you contempt instead

why would you want to stay with someone like that ?

I have my suspicions as to why he never wants you to be seen as a family unit...he has other women

just come home, I would

Dear Scouser

First, step back and look at what you've achieved. This is your first relationship so I am assuming you're relatively young - under 30?

You've made yourself comfortable in what I assume is another country ( France) to where you were born and grew up? To the extent that coming back to the UK would be just for a visit. So, you must be comfortable with the language and with the culture. That's a massive thing. Huge plaudits to you. It also gives you numerous advantages if you are thinking of setting up independently.

You say h is from North Africa. May I ask if he is Muslim, and if you are Muslim also?

This does not affect the advice given, but if you aren't it may explain a little of the cultural background. It could be argued that this is irrelevant of course. Which largely it is.

I'm a white atheist who, many years ago, had a very passionate relationship with a devout Muslim man for nearly two years. In my naivety I thought I had the cultural issues covered and boy was I wrong about that.

I'm also a bit of an old hand at being around physically and emotionally abusive men, sadly. A number of my romantic relationships have been extremely unhealthy.

But as years went on I gained perspective on things I realised that the old adage was true - the unacceptable had become acceptable. It wasn't ok for anyone to treat me like shit, to swear, to blame, to give me the silent treatment.

The one time my (white, anglo saxon husband) threw something and shattered a glass door, after years of emotional and verbal abuse was the end of my marriage.

We all have different breaking points. We didn't have children, which makes stuff so much less complicated.

How are your support systems in France? What about family in the uk?

How are his ( and indeed your) relationships with the rest of his family? Does he have a female relative you could get close to? ( not necessarily confide in).

I also wonder whether he is anxious for a son and I'm sure this will have crossed your mind.

At the end of the day nothing excuses abuse and threatened violence. Nothing at all.

Make sure you have as much support as you can - as it seems you are doing - before you make your next move. And good luck.xxxxx

SGB: I think it's unlikely that the h is ashamed of being seen in public wiht the OP if she is white and of a differnet religion; quite the reverse would likely have operated before children came along.

But there is a very distinct and restrictive issue around male and female 'space' in North Africa esp within families, which is completely absurd to us - very similar to what may have existed in England, in some classes in Victorian times.

Whatever one feels about this, this is the cultural background, right or wrong, that I believe the OP is coping with, and so there is a whole slew of other complex issues to be considered toom in how she deals with the situation. It does NOT excuse any abusive behaviour to her.

toom? !