My life is a huge mess!

[scouserabroad]

This might end up being longer than War and Peace quite long, sorry. And thank you if you read it. :) I have posted about Dh before a while back under a different name but can't find the thread anymore. We have been together 7 years, married for 5, two DC aged 3 and 4.5.

Basically he has been verbally aggressive in the past, and threatened violence although he never went through with it though it came damn close a number of times. He stopped the threatening behaviour when I stood up to him.

He always said that he behaved badly because he didn't like his job, and now that he has changed jobs it will be OK, and it mostly has been OK, for the last 18 months or so. The thing is, whenever there is a problem in his life he takes it out on me, or starts the silent treatment. Obviously I can't solve all his problems but I would try to help if I could.

Now, I think he just doesn't love me anymore. He never wants us to do anything together, all he wants to do in his spare time is sit at home and look at the TV. I like TV as much as the next person but I would love to go out somewhere too. He refuses, and doesn't want me going out with friends either. I'm not trying to force him into going clubbing or anything, I'm open to suggestions of what we could do.

I know from experience that if I do go for a night out he kicks off (I did not come home very late / pissed or anything). I do go to an evening class and he doesn't mind that.

He does take the DC to the park etc. but doesn't want me to go with them. If I ask he just says no, and if I push it he says to leave him the fuck alone.

He is still interested in sex, but I am starting to feel worse and worse about it because it seems to be the only thing he likes about me.

Sometimes I get upset about all of this and then he says he does love me and why do I think he married me in the first place? He is totally against separation although if he's in a mood he does sometimes threaten to leave.

He is my first and only long term relationship and I have nothing to compare this to. I moved abroad to be with him and now my life is here but I feel very alone right now. I suppose that would be the case no matter where we were.

I am unemployed at the moment and I think that's making it all worse because I have too much time to sit on my own moping thinking. I am torn between feeling like I've been a prize doormat and partly that he has actually improved and I should count my blessings and just get on with it. Plus he has a nice side too and if he wanted he could be like that more often.

Life might be like this for another 20 years or even forever and I can't face that.

LittleMiss, I really like your post at 18.14 yesterday. Yes, it is harder to read some of the more subtle signals when you come from a different language/culture. You can also end up giving someone the benefit of the doubt a lot more than you should.

Scouser love, how are you today?

Been thinking more about your OP. IME, and I asked 'H' about this and he told me.

The role of a male in an Egyptian home is to provide money, food etc.

In return, his wife stays home raises as many kids as comes along, and is on call for her DH needs. Cooking, cleaning, childcare - all of it. As I saw it, the W job is to keep the DC away from her H mostly cos he is generally short tempered, impatient and intolerant of their noise, mess and fuss. . I observed that, in egypt, kids were not to be enjoyed, not to be treasured, in many cases tolerated until old enough to run errands.

I lost count of the times I was told how crap or over indulgent a job I was doing of parenting our DS. 'H' may have changed 1 or 2 nappies, and given the same number of bottles. I was told that putting him to bed at any given bedtime was not what they did in Egypt. He would apparently receive all kinds of incredulous comments from his neighbours about my strange parenting, and relay them all to me

Actually, wondering, in the light of a few things that have come to light recently, whether he made that up..

At least he knows better than to claim any credit for how well DS has turned out, but I have been a single parent in an unhappy, isolated and controlled environment, a golden cage.

Mine too was under pressure, and would take everything out on me. I had no-where to go to escape or diffuse his temper, and it was literally soul destroying.

I think 'H' not stepping up to parenthood has been the killer for me. I could very well have been in this situation with at least another one DC too.. I had 2 MC while over there, and tbh, if I'm really honest, there is a small part of me that was relieved to have lost them somehow as I don't know how I could have done it all on my own with such a difficult and useless partner. I'm now 42, so won't take shit any more, I don't need to. If I were a lot younger though I know it'd be hard to stand up for myself and say enough.

What I am trying to say is that there is every possibility that your H is only doing what he knows. I don't think mine actually set out to be mean, cruel, controlling, insulting and demanding, it's a very large part of the roles they see in the family when growing up. Sad, but true.

I've never met an Algerian, I couldn't possibly say whether they are similar or not, but much of what you have spoken about here scouser is all too familiar to me.

LMHF, thank you for your post. I think you make a good point about how you don't think that your H set out to behave the way he has, I don't think mine has either. I don't think I am the kind of wife he wanted, only he didn't realise that at first, and now we're I'm trying to make the best of it. I remember he once said he never thought he'd end up marrying a foreign, non-Muslim, but I was OK. I was only 22 then, didn't realise the implications!

Dh also critises my parenting, although less so now that he works away & I care for the DDs on my own.

I can't imagine what it must be like having a partner like this and feeling isolated as well - I was v. lonely when the DDs were babies but at least I could go to the shops etc.

Dh, BIL & FIL never did any kind of housework when they were all living together, and Dh was set to being the same when we started living together. Then I wasn?t well towards the end of my second pregnancy (DD1 was only about 12 months old then) so Dh had to help with everything, and he?s sort of carried on doing part of the housework & childcare? sometimes I think he resents it.

Dh has been home for the weekend, he was the same as usual, refused to come with us to the park, ignored me if I spoke to him, although he did say he had missed me. And I watched Pride & Prejudice on TV & he didn?t even complain! He has calmed down a lot since the times when he would threaten to hit me & I'm not scared of him ATM, it's just not how I imagined marriage would be.

He will have time off work soon, and I'm wondering if I shouldn't book him a flight to Algeria (will be tempted to click on "one way" instead of "return" if I book online ) then he can see his family and old friends and maybe it will do him good. We couldn?t afford for us all to go but he could go on his own for a week or so. He definitely wouldn?t organize his own trip, he has been putting it off for years! But I talked to MIL yesterday and she would love to see him, even if he hasn?t ?made it? yet

The trip could be a good idea, only time will tell.

IME though, this not being bothered to be involved in the family will lead to resentment. To be successful, this marriage must be fulfilling to both parties. Both of you must feel valued and appreciated.

If you can see yourself married to him in 5 years, or 10, 15, when the DDs have left. If the thought of that makes you feel happy then great.

If he feels the same,you guys have a shot.

Mine told me that he thought he could trust me like his own mother. I asked him if he treated his mother the way that he treated me? How many times did he hit her or call her a whore?

I told him only our parents love us unconditionally, everyone else needs to feel treasured.