to tell Dh if nothing is sorted, not to bother coming home from work tomorrow?

[welshbyrd]

On-going situation, here is a previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonabl e/1114037-I-do-not-know-what-to-do-here
Since then, have spoken to DH, opened the thread for him to see, and told him, Im deadly serious about considering divorce.He said he understands, and would read thread.

I went upstairs to give him time to read thread about 10.30ish, read amg and feel asleep waiting for him. Though I did hear him coming into bedroom and getting into bed about 1am ish.

This happened Saturday night, his mum come to visit Sunday [she lives 100 miles away], so could not talk then, but she left 6.30pm, and since then he has not even mentioned it at all
He went back to work from Christmas today, he has come home stuffed his face with food I cooked for him, helped put DCs to bed [back in school tomorrow] Now he has gone upstairs to listen to footie on the radio

AIBU to tell him tonight, we either sort this out tonight, which involves him talking it through, or he should not come back from work tomorrow. Its so frustrating, and is really getting me down now
I feel as if I going to extremes, with this idea, its completely out of character for me to be so nasty, [am aware telling do not bother coming back is nasty], but I can not cope anymore. I really do not think I can live like this another minute, its come to the point of me seeing images of me ripping handfuls of hair out of my head, have even imagined, him walking into house and me being in livingroom covered in blood wrists slashed[ would never do it, but just the shock might make him realise what this is doing to me]
For him to know how much this is hurting me, the very fact he has ignored it, [always listens to me though, but never says what he wants], has made me come to the conclusion, that he could not give a fook whats happens, or how sad I am.

He knows Ive been sad about this for months, not just the issue of lack of affection, the very fact he does not care about me enough to even be honest.

Its like he has kept me hanging on a thread for almost a year, knowing it is hurting me

Rabbling now sorry, do not even know if any of this makes sense

Sorry, I do not know how to do a click link

you're going to have to say what this thing is.I can't look at link on phone so I can't tell whether you are being unreasonable or what

What has he said about counselling?

I tried to do your link for you but it failed

Link instructions are just under the santa smileys. It involves and either side of the ref.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonabl e/1114037-I-do-not-know-what-to-do-here

Have I done it?

nope

gOOD OLD COPY AND PASTE [GRIN]
DH and met 3-4years ago, everything was fab, got pregnant[planned] 2years in, up until that point and all the way through pregnancy, we couldnt even walk passed each other in the house without hands touching, cwtching, every morning before he left for work, he would kiss me goodbye, even while I was still sleeping
Maybe a month after baby was born this carried on, but then it stopped
Put it down to tiredness etc from night feeds etc,
Beginning of this year we decided to get married[well put wheels in motion, had decided to wed long time before]
Knowing how strained things were with us, I repeatedly ask/try to discuss the lack of affection ect, and was looking for some assurance, that it would be fine.Instead, he didnt ignore me, but listened and that was about it
I considered cancelling the wedding on numerous occasion [which I told him], but felt I could not, as many of our family members gave financially towards the wedding.
Married 27th August, this year, was the first time in months we had kissed [and it has been the last time], we were intimate 3 days after wedding [last time we have been]
We get on so well, in all, maybe like best friends etc.
Having made my issues clear before the wedding, I chose to keep quiet for a time after wedding, and see what happened, well we are coming into 2011, and nothing has happened, Ive given him a reasonably amount of time
Mentioned to him on friday, I have a solicitors appt on 11th of Jan, regarding divorce, broke down and explained I can not cope with things the way they are, he suggested because I was so upset, to have a relaxing bath,and that was it, carried on as fooking normal.
I feel so stupid marrying him, Im so upset, welling up here, feel almost ashamed even, that I do not think my husband loves me anymore
He is perfect dad, perfect husband, pulls his weight around house, everything else is perfect except this, I wish I could ignore it, but its beating me up inside

e/1114037-I-do-not-know-what-to-do-here

HERE ^^ WOOP WOOP , Thanks Tallwithglasses

Welshbyrd, could you not just go up now and ask him calmly if he's done what you asked and read the thread and what he thinks? He sounds like he doesn't handle emotional situations very well, if you don't bring it up it doesn't sound like he will.

Yeah, think I will isore. agreed, Im pretty sure he will not bring it up

Its working up the courage, took me 2 hours of twiddling my thumbs the other night to get the guts to say anything. All because im sure he does not want to talk about it.

There's only so many times you can tell someone that things aren't right.

Are you still planning to see solicitor on the 11th? Why not remind him that your plans in this regard remain unchanged. The ball is firmly in his court.

I could bear the suspense to be honest, would have asked him aaaages ago. It sounds like neither of you are communicating tbh. Go on up, good luck.

Couldn't bear the suspense, sorry!

could it be the madonna/whore thing? Now you have a child/are a mother he can't see you as a sexual partner? it happens. Was he present at the birth?

Just went up, he was flat out sleeping , burst into tears, grabbed spare quilt, and have come back downstairs. Feel 500 times worse now. Him sleeping soundly, while Im barely sleeping most night because of this, I feel so angry

Welshbyrd, you need to speak to him! I would have woken him up. Speak to him today, no excuses!

The linking doesn't seem to have worked, so look here

Look, there must be a reason for this. If your intimacy and sex life was as you describe it, until a month after the birth of your child, it doesn't sound as though the birth itself traumatised him, so there must be something (or someone) else causing this.

At the moment, you both seem locked in a dance, with him as distancer and you as pursuer. The more he stonewalls you, the angrier you get. I understand exactly what you mean, that you feel like you are being driven to previously unimaginable extremes of behaviour.

It might not have occurred to you, but this is exceptionally controlling behaviour. He is deliberately rationing the sex, intimacy and talking in your relationship. Silence is a very powerful weapon and he knows it.

He either isn't taking you seriously, or he wants you to make the decision and end the relationship. However, even if you separate (you won't be able to divorce yet) you still might not ever know why.

He evidently isn't going to be adult enough to broach the subject, so you will have to. Don't wait for him to do so, take some of that control back.

What are your own hypotheses for why this has happened?

Spoke to him last night, well actually I shouted , he did talk after being prompted, me asking him direct questions and him replying.
Told him how frustrating this has been to me, I really let rip.

He does love me, and he still wants to stay in a relationship. Worked out between us, that since DD 20months was born, tiredness, exhaustion [have to say DD, really has been hard work from day one, not sleeping all night until about a month ago,her behaviour in public places, meant we could not go anywhere etc]
Thankfully since xmas, she seems to have turned a corner, and has been an absolute little gem, since talking more. Did worry, it was because DH was on xmas hols from work, and when he returned, she would go back to her previous behaviour, well its day 4 of DH being back in work, and she really has been fab. Took her to a softball play yesterday, she was brill, confidant to approach other children, and overall fantastic
Think when a relationship has taken a back seat for such a long time due to exhaustion etc, it was hard to get back into it
He cwtched me all night, I felt warm, safe and feel almost stupid typing this, but minute by minute, I felt that all this stress, anger, loneliness was disappearing

Thanks all that replied, think you gave me the big kick up the bum, I needed, to get this sorted, and be courageous enough to push the subject, even though I knew there was a chance of him wanting to split

I am glad you've resolved it for now, but it sounds worryingly as though your happiness depends on his behaviour which can leave you a bit vulnerable. Maybe relate counseling would help in the long term as I not sure one night of cwtching will sort it.

off topic, but what is cwtching

Your posts are extreme/Mills and Boony - the anger and loneliness disappearing after a cuddle, after having suicidal thoughts?

If I sound harsh I apologise (I felt terribly upset for you in your first few posts) but something doesn't add up here.

I think he's a very emotionally stunted person. You need to keep pursuing this - do NOT just let it go back to normal now. I see so many threads where someone confronts their DH and it changes for a few weeks and then deteriorates and it's a big cycle never getting anywhere. Don't let that happen. He has to tell you how he feels, not just listen and nod!

Cwtching = Colloquial welsh for cuddling.