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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Things you should do when getting over 'love of your life'

65 replies

madav · 04/01/2011 17:37

After reading another thread and sympathising with the op (split up with her 'soul mate' - been there, am still going through it) there were a few suggestions about what she should do to get over it. I loved the one that said 'go out with some strong women, drink tequila and say fuck 'em Grin.

Is there anything else anyone could suggest, cos I could do with a few ideas myself....

And don't hold back, it's my free weekend this weekend and I plan on making the most of it Wink

OP posts:
MabelMay · 04/01/2011 19:30

Hi madav - just noticed that your post has gone unanswered. Didn't want you to feel ignored! So sorry to hear you've recently split from "the one". How long were you together? How and why did it end?

Get a new haircut, or a full body massage, or both.

Totally agree re: tequila night with some good girl mates.

Also, do some vigorous exercise. I've taken up trampolining! It's brilliant for putting a smile on my face.

Are you angry with ex? Or just sad about it?

Because depending on how it ended, there are obviously different ways of getting over lost loves. Is this a "fuck him" break up?

braceet · 04/01/2011 20:00

I have a black belt in this.
First is hardest, dont dream of a reconciliation. Dont think that a facelift /botox(you are probably too young for this anyway) new haircut/new clothes whatever will get him back.
Second write down everything that annoyed you about him, just write down all of the negative stuff and keep it to hand, read it regularly and add to it when you can think of something else.
No contact ever, the longer you can go without seeing his face, his name his whatever the better.
Dont do as I do and try to date other men too soon, as you will just sit there with the other man in a pub comparing him with your ex.
I left it 4 years before going out with another man I was so heartbroken.
I look at my ex now and all I can see is his double chin and all I can remember is his hatefulness towards the end. No feelings whatsoever.I get on OK with him now.
Thats what you are aiming for - complete indifference to your ex.
Lots and lots of excersize (sorry can never spell that)makes you feel good.
Dont check him out on facebook -ever. Be strong. Dont be upset if he starts dating soon, men always do this, they split up with the love of their lives then date the next day. Dont ask me how they do this.
Good luck!!! Stay Strong!!!

ninah · 04/01/2011 20:02

Travel

IAmReallyFabNow · 04/01/2011 20:09

Don't force it.

WherecanIhide · 04/01/2011 20:49

I'm going to keep a close eye on this thread Smile

ps Hi again braceet. x

FaffTastic · 04/01/2011 20:57

Take one day at a time.

Keep busy.

NO CONTACT - no matter how tempted you might be to send a text/make a call.

Keep strong with the thought that one day you will no longer feel so hurt - 'this too shall pass' as some MNers like to say!

matthew2002smum · 04/01/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
madav · 04/01/2011 22:32

MabelMay - I feel a bit stupid, am tearing up just typing this! We went out for 10 months, he asked me to marry him on numerous occasions (wasn't taking him seriously tbh), he was brill with dcs and I honestly don't know what went wrong. It was eating me up trying to work it out and decided to give myself a shake and do something different to take my mind off it. Figured if I wasn't going to get an answer off him I wasn't going to drive myself mad.

And no more men. Ever.

OP posts:
aristomache · 04/01/2011 22:39

Congratulate yourself for small victories(such as NOT looking at his facebook profile, NOT texting him, enjoying something WITHOUT him)

Tell yourself what a strong person this makes you and feel proud of it.

Wallow in it for a while and when people ask how you are, tell them the truth.

Go away for a while if you can, Ideally with a friend or family member who makes you laugh.

JessinAvalon · 04/01/2011 22:40

Never check up on them, e.g. on Facebook, as you'll just imagine that they're having this great life whilst you're still suffering.

And knock them off their pedestal, if they're weren't very nice to you, that is. That feels a bit mean if they were a decent person. My last one wasn't and knocking him off his pedestal(which was as tall as Nelson's Column) by remembering things about him that were a bit laughable was very helpful.

Write it all down as that can be very cathartic.

Have things to look forward to so that you're looking forward rather than back.

Write down a few positive things each night that have happened to you that day or that you have to look forward to, however small. It really helps to focus your mind on the positive rather than the negative things in your life.

And be kind to yourself.

SurreyAmazon · 04/01/2011 23:21

Gah! @ 'No more men. Ever'. Don't talk rubbish woman!! The core essence of life revolves around duality; light vs dark, hot vs cold, feminine vs masculine. Any deviation from this is unnatural and causes an imbalance. Once the pain subsides, please dust yourself off and try again. With a man, or atleast with a very butch woman Grin

Have you read 'Eat Love and Pray?'.

Life in abundance comes only through great love ~ Elbert Hubbard

SA

Original poster
madav · 04/01/2011 23:30

SA, if you knew me IRL you would be pissing yourself laughing at the 'no men' thing....

I probably meant no RELATIONSHIPS ever, ahem.

I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself cos of the time of year - and it's no good looking at his fb anyway, it's set to friends only and I'm not a friend.....

I'm trying to be kind to myself and (I know this sounds 'yuk') but the only thing I can think of that he did 'wrong' was he didn't only break my heart, he broke the kids hearts. And no man, or woman for that matter, does that and gets away with it Smile.

OP posts:
SurreyAmazon · 05/01/2011 07:58

@ "he broke the kids hearts. And no man, or woman for that matter, does that and gets away with it"

What have you got planned for him?

Your situation reminded me of what an acquintance went through (she is a Wiccan) when she was unceremoniously dumped by her DH. Needless to say, after the tears came the silent rage and whatever it as she did certainly taught him a lesson (or two, or three about how to treat women)because years later, he cannot talk about her without his eyes turning bloodshot red and veins bulging from his neck and forehead (due to a lovely combination of terror and stress). I gather that she pretty much destroyed his life and it took him the better part of a year (and a lot of money!!) to sort himself out grin].

Anniegetyourgun · 05/01/2011 08:27

Has anyone mentioned chocolate in this context? Amazing stuff.

Original poster
madav · 05/01/2011 10:24

Went right off chocolate Sad but the jack and coke is being brought into service on occasion Grin.

SA, I don't have anything 'planned' - in fact I think he's probably had his come uppance already. It doesn't make me feel any better though. In fact, I feel sorry for him sometimes.....what an eejit eh?

I want to get angry (god knows I was angry enough at exh - that's a story and a half) but there's nothing really to be angry at! Well, maybe the cowardly way he decided to finish it.

I just feel sad and a bit stupid, which definitely isn't me and more than one person has commented on it, which is why I thought it's time I at least tried to do something positive to get over myself Smile.

Anyway, had mate on the phone last night who had been unceremoniously dumped (must be something in the water) and we're having a 'fuck 'em' party on Friday.....well not literally, but you know what I mean! So while there will be alcohol involved it will just be me and her and pizza - just so I don't do anything stoopid Blush

OP posts:
sungirltan · 05/01/2011 10:34

try and be sensible about it. explain to the dc that relationships go wrong sometimes and that we feel sad for a while but lots of things in life are still good and permanent.

breakup always give me shed loads of motivation - keeps your mind of it. think about whether there is an area of your life you want to change/improve/get rid of and aim yourself at that.

meanwhile avoid books/tv shows/film which are about relationships for a bit. i told my mum this once hen i was getting over a bloke and she gave me the first 3 harry potter books to read! amazing escapism and no romance!

WildhoodChunder · 05/01/2011 10:34

Find things you like, that he didn't, and enjoy doing them. Could be a certain type of film, music, hobby, whatever. Remind yourself you are you, you had a life before him, you have a great life ahead of you without him. Life is nice with a partner, but you're fine as you are.

Living well is the best revenge. :)

Original poster
madav · 05/01/2011 11:14

WildhoodChunder - that's my sentiment exactly. And when he hears that I'm just as fabulous as ever (mutual friends) it'll be him that realises he made a mistake....

OP posts:
dogfish · 05/01/2011 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
madav · 05/01/2011 20:17

Erm, I didn't say I would be 'making' him realise he made a mistake - he would need to realise it on his own. I was agreeing with the sentiment that the best revenge is a life well lived.....

OP posts:
Original poster
madav · 05/01/2011 20:19

Thanks for being so helpful btw Hmm

OP posts:
sungirltan · 05/01/2011 21:45

dogfish - i wanted to say similar but this is a supporting the broken heart thread so i thought i shouldn't.

however.....op - you will get over the bloke best by realisng you do not need him and can cope without him. 10 months is a short reltionship imo. your comment about him breaking the dc's hearts also concerned me. he could only do that because you led them to think he was a permanent fixture which after a few months maybe lacked some foresight.

petunia0 · 05/01/2011 22:25

chocolate always did it for me. in mioderation of course

Original poster
madav · 05/01/2011 22:33

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough - the relationship was 10 months old, but we had known each other longer than that. And being a single parent with 3dcs and no family help, it's very difficult to keep the 2 lives separate for much longer than 6-7 months. There was no inkling he was intending ending it, like I said he had asked me to marry him a few times.

And I wasn't really wanting support for a broken heart, more ideas to take my mind off what might have been. I haven't broken up with many blokes in my life Grin

I might sound niave (maybe I am) but I have only had 2 long term relationships before this one - one when I was a teenager, then exh (married nearly 20 years). I've obviously been out the loop too long Smile

I understand it's best to forget him, move on, get over, etc which is why I thought I would just ask what other people found helpful....

OP posts:
jasper · 05/01/2011 23:07

SA your mate sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work and I am not surprised she was dumped.