Things you should do when getting over 'love of your life'

[madav]

After reading another thread and sympathising with the op (split up with her 'soul mate' - been there, am still going through it) there were a few suggestions about what she should do to get over it. I loved the one that said 'go out with some strong women, drink tequila and say fuck 'em .

Is there anything else anyone could suggest, cos I could do with a few ideas myself....

And don't hold back, it's my free weekend this weekend and I plan on making the most of it

I've never had a relationship that I have regretted being in. Even the relationships that didn't work looking back you realise that you did get some enjoyment out of it. I think we often value the length of a relationship over it's quality, and it's considered a mark of "character"to be married to someone for 40 years even if you disliked that person and hated sex with them for 30 years of it, where as having 10 enjoyable 4 year relationships is considered inferior.
If you enjoyed your time with this bloke for the past year then great, you had a nice year, you'll have other good times with different blokes, just because something didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't worth doing and was a waste of time.

@ Madav - You really do sound like a lovely person.

There is a great mantra 'Om namaha shivaya' that you can chant or listen to (I highly recommend ). It'll will soon have you feeling like your old self.

Ps - with reference to the 'I am beautiful' aaffirmation mantra, I used to be very dismissive of it until I attended an interesting metaphysics lecture titled 'The power of I am'. In brief, the speaker said that whatever you add to the statement 'I am' is what you will get. If is negative, then negativity is what you will get. I therefore always state that I am happy, and yes, I am a happy camper .

SA

@ Thelastnameleft

Re: Im a bit worried about SA's wiccan friend tbh, surely she is aware of "'An it harm none do as you will" or the rule of three

Good point. However, not all witches subscribe to these rules as they both refer to an outdated concept of Karma. There are others who subscribe to the ?Do what thou Wilt shall be the whole of the Law? principle.

SA

@ Dogfish and Jasper - Any relationship is subject to unilateral or bilateral dissolution. I am not suggesting that individuals do not have this choice. In my friend?s case however, we are talking about a 7 year long emotionally and economically devastating relationship during which he lulled her into a false sense of hope and security by promising her what she wanted most; children and the security of marriage.

Not only did he leave her as soon as he finished his undergraduate and postgraduate studies (which she paid for), but gave her an STD that affected her chances of conceiving (she has since managed to resolve both issues). These are some of the highlights and I haven?t even touched on how this relationship changed her personality, from a sweet natured, outgoing person (sorry to shatter your ?self obsessed and spiteful? theory SGB).

That she sought vengeance was based on personal, psychological and emotional personal laws of honor and it worked! She felt hugely liberated and no longer saw herself as a victim whose life was undermined by anger, guilt and shame at being taken for a fool.

SA

Perhaps he also wanted children and marriage and realised with time that he didn't want to be with this woman for life. I have ended relationships with peopllllle, that didn't mean it was all a waste of time or that I never cared for them.
I wouldn't financially invest in a relationship without marriage though, so i do think her funding his studies if he was just a boyfriend was a bit naive, although if they had married and then divorced she may have lost more. If they had had kids then she would have had to keep seeing him for the sake of the kids.
I would hope your friend enjoyed the 7 years she had with this bloke, even though the ending was shabby. If she didn't enjoy her time with him then she should have got out earlier and not waited for him to finish it.
If the "relationship" changed her personality for the worse then it sounds as though they weren't suited and she should have left him sooner.

Women and men stay in relationships a lot longer than is healthy, hence all the posts in Relationships asking for another perspective. Married or living together, there is still that investment of time, shared resources etc. and so it can be incredibly difficult to call time on things and walk away (permanently).

When you are in the thick of an unhealthy relationship, even though you recognize that you are unhappy it can be hard to see that there is a better option, and certainly being happily single is far better than being part of an unhappy 'twosome'.

Ending of relationships are rarely that black and white and take a great deal of strenght, so nobody should ever be made to feel that they can just shrug their shoulders, walk away and merrily get on with life. That's not how life or peoples emotions work.

ant can you explain your last sentence as I don't understand it , in the light of your first two paragraphs, which I do understand

"vengeance was based on personal, psychological and emotional personal laws of honor "

This makes no sense whatsoever.

"Vengeance" and "laws of honour "do not belong in the same sentence

is your friend American?

jasper sorry not very clear, it was in relation to 2rebeccas last post on the final comment of 'having got out earlier,and not waited for him to him finish it'...very easy to say (and probably very true) however in real life that's not what happens.

@ Jasper - Yes she is American.

If you are unfamiliar with these terms, please say so. To dismiss them as not 'making any sense whatsoever' is grating and a not so subtle attempt to undermine my comments. I think you are better than that.

Personal laws of honor (and personal code of honor = more or less the same thing) refer to the personal (not societal) moral and ethical principles which guide our every day lives. If in a relationship, I consider integrity and loyalty to be absolutely compulsory but my partner sees them as optional virtues and this attitude therefore leads to a profound and long lasting adverse effect on my life, then certain personal laws of honor dictate that I seek some form of retribution.

You, on the other hand, might decide to forgive, forget and move on. Talk about living a limited life! Only you are responsible for creating a life filled with happiness, peace and love, and sometimes, implementing a ?one size fits all? principles is not the way.

SA

@ 2Rebecca,

I concur with Antalya.

SA

To me "happiness peace and love" do not go with "retribution".
I might want retribution if someone killed my kids, I would definitely want justice.
I would not want vegence or retribution just because someone decided they no longer loved me and wanted to be with another woman. If I left a man I would consider him dangerous and a bit mad if he wanted retribution just because I no longer wanted to be with him. No person should try and force another person to be with them. It isn't good for either partner.
To me forgivning forgetting and moving on is not living a limited life. People consumed with bitterness looking backwards live a much more limited one.

Just to be clear, I don't want any form of retribution - in fact I hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for and ends up happy. I know right now that he isn't and suspect that's what might be holding me back from moving on as I'd hoped.

Anyway, thank you so much SA - I looked into the mantra and came across a few websites that were very interesting and I've saved for further reading. I just didn't want you to think I was ignoring you . I hope your friend managed to find what she wanted and I can totally understand her need for some kind of justice/comeback/whatever you want to call it for what happened to her. I do hope what goes around comes around but I know it doesn't always work like that....

@ 2rebecca

Yes, the key phrase here being to me. What works for you will not work for another person. This relationship was not about 'no longer being in love' (I am always amazed when I read this as reason for leaving a relationship. What utter bollocks!).

At no point have I suggested that she did it as a way to keep him, or force him to be with her (where is the logic in that after he destroyed her life? ). If that is what you read from my posts then that is quite unfortunate. I don't know how else I can convey that she wanted him to also suffer the consequences of his actions. And he did and is a much better person for it.

SA

@ Madav - Apologies for giving the impression that you were seeking revenge. I know you are not.

I hope the mantras work for you and if not, there is always ceroc dancing!

SA