door mat

[bananahammoc]

I have only just discovered Mumsnet (thanks Kate) and if only I had seen this 18 months ago!!!!! My husband left me initially in June 2009 to carry out a 3 month affair with OW from work. Id heard all the excuses to the "script" and I really believed he was having a breakdown, needed help, made a big mistake and I welcomed him back with open arms. He returned for 12 months and after being in hospital and having an operation (2 days out of hospital) he told me he was "unhappy" and I promptly told him to leave. It was so hard my daughters adore their Daddy and comforting them (both sobbing every night) whilst post-op was the hardest thing I will ever endure. Throughout all of this I still desparately loved him. It transpired he was seeing a different girl at work and despite my hurt I always remained friends for the sake of the girls (and my own sanity if truthful). He would drop girls off, stay for coffee and once when I dropped girls off he even made me a breakfast as I was travelling up north and he didnt want me to travel on empty stomach (how very kind of him, oh what a fool I was). Run up to Christmas he said he missed his family, had made a mistake, still loved me and always had and I fell for it again. He returned a week before Christmas (OMG writing this down makes me die of shame, I really am not this stupid person, surely). Whilst at home he was still getting text messages from OW and I said this was totally unacceptable. He said he couldnt let her down over Christmas and she would get fed up. She even texted me which is the most hurtful thing out of all of this saying that "she would leave recipes out for the girls so their daddy could cook for them, hair bobbles to help their daddy look after them and the most hurtful thing was she said they wouldnt respect me ever for keeping their daddy away from them, I HAVE NEVER EVER KEPT THEIR DADDY AWAY FROM THEM). Obviously its jealousy on my part, I have no control over this but it tears me apart that she thinks she knows my girls when she has never met them and what is best for them. She is very young and has no children. Since this episode I have detached myself from him and my eldest has her own phone especially for daddy to ring but he still rings my phone. I havent answered it tonight and he was forced to ring my daughters phone (which I always make sure she has with her and is fully charged)he then texted her saying "look after Mommy she needs help". Im struggling so much with detaching myself because I know he sees this as me using girls against him, my MIL isnt speaking to him and he also blames me for this. Im naturally a kind, caring person but I feel he has used this against me at every avenue. Please help. I hate feeling jealous and scared about the OW and children loving her and then living happily ever after. I dont want him back I really have seen him for the idiot he is but he is still trying to control me. He said on phone I need to find a new man and if he wanted me he would be able to win back, I wished him luck with that because after my "doormat" beheaviour I really think he has lost all respect for me and thinks I am sat at home waiting, waiting, waiting. In my defence I have never texted him, begging him, cried on him I really did simply let him go and even though my heart was breaking he had no idea this was the case as I was simply trying to move on as best I could. The first time he left a man at work showed an interest in me and he was so jealous although denies this profusely.

poor you, what a nightmare! I feel for you!

Are you divorced/ If not. make an appointment to see a solicitor asap. Get access more formalised.

Question why OW has your phone number. I can understand keeping it friendly for the kids but there are boundaries.

There's probably more but I'll come back if I think of them. Meantime, she's a saddo who has no clue. You are their mum...there is no contest!!! It doesn't matter what she or even he says...you are their mum..you cannot be replaced!!

Gosh how awful. No advice but just wanted to say I hope you resolve this he sounds like an arse of a man.

You are doing so well.

We have another fantastic lady going through similar, don't know if you have seen her thread? Solost's Thread

Well done you on not answering his calls, he is deliberately doing that to keep power over you, and he has absolutely NO right to that.

You are right, you need to disengage, it will take time.

Don't worry about the OW, she will always be viewed as the one that made daddy leave us. She may not even be with your XH for long anyway. he has an abysmal track record with OW already...

WWIFN etc will find this thread soon enough and you would do well to trawl through Solost's threads and see how well YOU are actually doing and to pick up new motivators.

Disengage, disengage disengage. You are well shot of this bloke. Your relationship with your DC will be better long term, I promise.

My dad left my mum for an OW 20 odd years ago and he has lost all our respect in the process, whereas I have a relationship with my mum that I would never have had if Dad had not left.

The OW is pulling your chain, to try to get your XH to keep away from you, SHE is insecure. Don't let HER or HIM for that matter call the shots.

I'm having a little trouble understanding the chronology of this. Tell me if I've got this right?

He left in June 2009 because of an affair and this went on for 3 months. He returned in September 09 and then in September 10, said he was leaving again for a different OW. Then just before Christmas 2010 he came back again, but was still in a relationship with the OW. What happened then? Did you ask him to leave again? Did the OW contact you while he was there or after he'd gone? How long has he been gone for this time?

It would be great if you could flesh this out somewhat, although I'll cut to the chase and suggest you now file for divorce. IMO, no second chances should be given after a second discovered infidelity.

Ah WWIFN, you found it!

Thanks for your comments I have just been reading Solost thread and cannot believe how similar it is. All your great advice I only wish Id discovered you all earlier.

WhenwillIfeelnormal: Spot on, sorry I didnt fill it out more but 18 months worth of being taken for a ride is long and boring so I tried to keep it to bare facts.

Around October 2010 he started showing signs of regret and showing the person I thought he was and the person I thought Id lost. He said he wanted his family back at the beginning of December and I said we should take it slow (he has his own flat without OW but obviously she stays there A LOT and this is only because I said initially children would not be allowed to stay over if they lived together. HE spent Christmas with us and made all the right sounds but unfortunately she was constantly texting me and him and he refused to defend us, mostly defending her "I cant tell her at Christmas", "you just need to be patient she will get the message" all cowardly acts and I basically knew that he was not someone I wanted to be with as he wasnt prepared (after being given a second chance) to fight for us! I can honestly say after 18 months of hell, heartbreak, loving him, (I can totally relate to Solost but she is so much stronger than I ever was but a carbon copy of my husbands behaviour, it was only yesterday my rose tinted glasses fell and he stood at the door and I thought "you nob". I foolishly thought he was the perfect husband, father and he was but what has replaced this is a lying cheating scum bag and not only to me but the girls (4 and 7) have been to hell and back (they had no idea BTW that we were working at our marriage). My youngest blames me pushes me away says you made daddy go and it really is heartbreaking. She will not speak to me on phone when she is with her Daddy and I know she doesnt understand and I take it on board but he somehow gets off on this. The eldest seems to want to protect me and this also makes me sad as I dont want this to spoil her time with her Daddy. I have had essays of texts from the OW, who sounds intelligent but very immature. Quote "You may not believe me but I do respect you, although I dont think you respect yourself, wont why you let him go". I have always let him go although I am guilty for letting him come back. Feeling stronger about wot sort of person my H is now but the jealousy about OW sometimes over powers me and wondered if that was normal. If she hadnt had made contact with me I think I would feel better but I want to protect the girls even though I know she is probably not a monster just an immature pushy blind fool. I have started to detach I mean really detach, wont answer phone but he texted my eldest and said "look after Mommy she needs help" and I knew this was a dig at me but I was so angry that he did this through his daughter (he was annoyed because I didnt answer my phone). Sorry I am rambling trying to put 18 months worth down in one message isnt good.............any advice is welcomed. PS I know Im a doormat and anyone that can take any lessons from my mistakes then its a lesson worth learning xxx

WhenwillIfeelnormal: Sorry facts had an affair in June 2009 returned October 2009, left again in June 2010 returned December 2010 for approximately a week (used for Christmas fool that I was, so obvious now. I must add and it is purely because reading this I know I said like a total fool and to keep some dignity, on all occassions I have made him leave because of OW. I have always been dignified for sake of girls and have never shown my anger just carried on with my life as best I could. I have never texted him or rang him but am guilty to replying to his messages and checking my phone constantly.

Sorry you're going through this. I think paragraphs in your posts will get more people responding.

Wish you all the best.

Honey, you are no stronger or weaker than Solost, she came on here a bit earlier than you did.

You are here now and you have seen for yourself that he is a nob.

Firstly this OW texting you shite has to stop. NOW.

Change you number. How dare she tell you to back off.

You have been treated horribly, you have done all you can to get through this situation single handedly.

OK so the scales have fallen from your eyes. What to do next?

Nothing. For a while. Regroup. Let it all sink in, and process it.

Work out what you want to do. Work out what you want to say to your DD to help them with this.

They have been manipulated as have you. You all need some normal time to process what has happened to you.

Others will come to help on the practical issues.

In the meamtime I send you

oh sorry, couple of glasses of vino, spelling bit off...

You are not a fool, you are not a fool, you are not a fool.

You didn't cause this, you don't deserve such treatment. You are strong and brave.

Chin up OP.

Thank you guys, I am hurting but I do believe that me and my DD will have a bond now that no one will touch. I get comfort in that. I am trying to hold my head up high and be dignified for the sake of DD and I pray one day they will see me as a strong woman who never spoke poorly of H. It is very hard but he cannot hurt me anymore. Like you say its just processing all the lies and deceit and truly moving forward. I wish I had discovered you all earlier, I have made mistakes and trusted a man I thought would never treat his family so dispicably. If anyone is going through the same, believe me once they decide they do not love you any more, their hurtfulness knows no limits. Thank you so much for your support xxxx

Keep with us, you are not alone now.

Do as WWIFN, get yourself some legal advice and divorce him.

Go to the CAB and see what they say about your entitlements etc and also if there is anything that can be done to stop the GF from contacting you so maliciously.

Though it might be easier for you to change the number or have hers blocked. Please look into that, for your own sanity and privacy. She has no right to do that and your H, if he knows about it, ought to put a stop to her deliberately hurting the mother of his DC.

Gloves off now banana, you have taken enough, 2011 is a new year, a good year, the year you rid yourself of harmful people.

Don't feel badly because you trusted your husband and the father of your children. You should be able to trust someone in that situation. It is also hard for an honest person to realise how easy it is for a dishonest person to tell bare-faced lies. You were not stupid, you were deceived, as by the sound of it this OW is too (why would she think you were keeping him away from his daughters, for example, unless he had told her this was the case?). She doesn't sound as dislikeable as Solost's bunny boiler but she's sure picked the wrong side here. Try not to let it get to you because she doesn't know what she's talking about.

Thanks for the clarification OP.

People often blame themselves for trusting, but the alternative option of snooping, hyper-vigilance and jealousy is ghastly. However, once your trust has been exploited, I always suggest that for a time, people give themselves permission to be on their guard and to reframe their mistrust as the most sane response in the circumstances.

If a partner deserves to be trusted again and has done everything to take responsibility and atone for the hurt caused, the mistrust goes and faith is restored.

In your case, it sounds as though your H has been passing the responsibility for his infidelity over to you entirely and has made this all about whether you make him happy or not.

One of the best gifts you can give yourself and your DD is to accept that there was nothing you or your relationship could have done, to prevent your H's behaviour. This is his problem, not yours. He will be unfaithful again, because he believes the myth that infidelity is entirely acceptable if a person is "unhappy". No doubt the OW in your case also believes this myth and deludes herself that if she is all things to this man, he will never do the same to her. She'll learn. He is already treating her with disrespect and cowardice, not loyalty.

Refuse to engage with her at all. Change your number or block her. With your H, if you find yourself having a conversation with him about his behaviour, tell him most firmly that this is his problem, not yours. That you have realised that this is not about you, or your marriage at all. That you know that there are decent men who don't have his particular problems and that you're very much looking forward to forming a new relationship at some stage.

Coming back to the start, what you have learned from this experience is that if someone hurts you and then does it again, there should be no second chances. That he also did this with yet another OW demonstrates this point most vividly.

One day you will look back on this past Christmas and celebrate the knowledge you gained. Yes, you will still kick yourself at times that you let him back in, but praise and celebrate your instincts that you realised very quickly that he wasn't up to the job of being in a committed relationship and you took action swiftly. That means that you are going to be okay.

Ladies you have made tears come to my eyes with your support. Thank you. He did contact me today, tried to say that he had too much pressure put on him at Christmas that he just needed time. I basically told him that I wasnt interested any more the only thing we needed to talk about were DC. I asked him to put their interests before his own and not to introduce them to OW at the moment and he said he would never even contemplate this as she was just a distraction to help him through the hurt (more lies but Ive learnt the hardway). I told him that I too would put the girls first when thinking of introducing them to a partner that it would only be IF and WHEN I wanted this person in my life forever as DC would not need to meet anyone who was a passing fling. He was very shocked at this and said you sound different have you met someone to which I answered it really doesnt concern you just like it doesnt concern me how we live our personal lives as long as we always put DC first. I told him then quite firmly I had to go but to take care. I could tell by his tone he didnt want me to go off phone and then I received a text saying "Im so sorry you think I used u over Christmas, I truly didnt and I handled it wrong, Im very sorry". I have ignored this and not responded. I will certainly be changing my number (thought about getting cheap phone) and I will give him the number and no one else so that when it rings I know exactly who it is as I want to be able to contact him in an emergency for DC or visa versa. One good thing is that he has always paid to support the girls and has never stopped these payments, although I understand from his behaviour this could change. I need to see a Solicitor but am worried about the expense, in fact he even sent me an email daring me too. Again, I did not reply. One thing I wondered if anyone else had found going through similar is that every day is different, they change their minds like the wind. Like to have you as a safety net and the minute you pull away they get scared. Not sure if my interpretation is correct but thats how I see it xxxx

the keeping both balls in the air, is, from what I have seen on here a classic behaviour.

Basically you are 100% right, this is a safety net, if OW doesn't make him feel secure etc, he will come to you to see if you can make him feel less of a twat.

In a single monogamous relationship one partner would support the other, and a successful relationship will mostly meet the needs of each.

But he is having his cake and eating it. He wants MORE adulation, MORE attention, and you are conveniently there to bolster his ego. So when she isn't meeting his needs, he'll come and get gratification/ego boosts from YOU.

So this is why we say remove that support, because it is subsidising the OW's failings.

If you have not already done so, get some legal advice and look into the ramifications of divorce, appropriate settlements and agreed and finalised contact schedules.

You don't have to commit to doing anything until you are ready, but you do need to understand your legal, financial and parental position. Forearmed is forewarned, Knowledge is Power.. and all that.

NEVER tell him that you are seeking advice though, that can antagonise.

You will get through this, you are not alone now!

Thank you LMHF - I will certainly go and seek advice. I have always put this off praying he would see sense and return but now the bottom line is I dont want him to return (a small white lie it would be nice to see him on his knees begging forgiveness so I could slam door in his face) Im not a violent woman honestly and would probably only feel guilty ha. I will book an appointment tomorrow, and get some advice on where I stand legally regarding monies and access. xxx

I am late to your thread, bh, but I salute you !

Really really pleased with how strong you sounded with H!! Keep it up!! Sounds so different from your OP

Go and get that advice asap as that will also help you feel stronger and more in control.

Well done though! small steps to the better life

also, dd may lash out at you simply because she can...doesn't mean she means it. It may just be her trying to cope with her emotions and you are the one who is there.

hey AF

...now here is someone who'll give you great advice, op!!

hey, lyd < waves back >

Seems like Op has got great advice already, and if she has read solost's thread there is much to help and advise her included within that x

Yes, you are right and I am so pleased it all seems to be helping

Welcome to MN bananahammoc or should we call you Princess Consuela?

You sound like a very quick learner and a very lovely and sensible person.

Are you finding time to do things for yourself that make you feel good? Have you got good friends you can have a drink and a moan with? Are you family near enough to help out?

Back up is vital! We can be the invisible support team but you need a RL one too.

Hey great, the gang's all here!

Banana, you are definitely now going to be alright!