door mat

[bananahammoc]

I have only just discovered Mumsnet (thanks Kate) and if only I had seen this 18 months ago!!!!! My husband left me initially in June 2009 to carry out a 3 month affair with OW from work. Id heard all the excuses to the "script" and I really believed he was having a breakdown, needed help, made a big mistake and I welcomed him back with open arms. He returned for 12 months and after being in hospital and having an operation (2 days out of hospital) he told me he was "unhappy" and I promptly told him to leave. It was so hard my daughters adore their Daddy and comforting them (both sobbing every night) whilst post-op was the hardest thing I will ever endure. Throughout all of this I still desparately loved him. It transpired he was seeing a different girl at work and despite my hurt I always remained friends for the sake of the girls (and my own sanity if truthful). He would drop girls off, stay for coffee and once when I dropped girls off he even made me a breakfast as I was travelling up north and he didnt want me to travel on empty stomach (how very kind of him, oh what a fool I was). Run up to Christmas he said he missed his family, had made a mistake, still loved me and always had and I fell for it again. He returned a week before Christmas (OMG writing this down makes me die of shame, I really am not this stupid person, surely). Whilst at home he was still getting text messages from OW and I said this was totally unacceptable. He said he couldnt let her down over Christmas and she would get fed up. She even texted me which is the most hurtful thing out of all of this saying that "she would leave recipes out for the girls so their daddy could cook for them, hair bobbles to help their daddy look after them and the most hurtful thing was she said they wouldnt respect me ever for keeping their daddy away from them, I HAVE NEVER EVER KEPT THEIR DADDY AWAY FROM THEM). Obviously its jealousy on my part, I have no control over this but it tears me apart that she thinks she knows my girls when she has never met them and what is best for them. She is very young and has no children. Since this episode I have detached myself from him and my eldest has her own phone especially for daddy to ring but he still rings my phone. I havent answered it tonight and he was forced to ring my daughters phone (which I always make sure she has with her and is fully charged)he then texted her saying "look after Mommy she needs help". Im struggling so much with detaching myself because I know he sees this as me using girls against him, my MIL isnt speaking to him and he also blames me for this. Im naturally a kind, caring person but I feel he has used this against me at every avenue. Please help. I hate feeling jealous and scared about the OW and children loving her and then living happily ever after. I dont want him back I really have seen him for the idiot he is but he is still trying to control me. He said on phone I need to find a new man and if he wanted me he would be able to win back, I wished him luck with that because after my "doormat" beheaviour I really think he has lost all respect for me and thinks I am sat at home waiting, waiting, waiting. In my defence I have never texted him, begging him, cried on him I really did simply let him go and even though my heart was breaking he had no idea this was the case as I was simply trying to move on as best I could. The first time he left a man at work showed an interest in me and he was so jealous although denies this profusely.

NNNPD - so funny Princess Consuela is where I'm heading haha. I have so many good friends who have shown me such support (as I have discovered you all are on MN). It is amazing how many people come through for you when the chips are down. It gave me faith in life in the beginning and all the moaning and crying my true friends never tired of this, I only hope none of them have to go down this road, its a tough one!! Anyway enough feeling sorry for myself, H has sent 7 text messages tonight asking if Im seeing someone and saying why wont you answer me...blah blah blah. I do think he has lost the plot although thats not sympathy but his messages are sounding crazier by the minute. It appears he has become my amusement now rather than my pain, I hope this lasts as I still do have moments of sadness and I hope when he gets message and stops texting I dont miss him. I hope Solost reads this because this is where she will be and although every one told me he was a fool, "you're too good for him" it was something I had to discover for myself. I dont regret forgiving him because if I hadnt I think I would have always thought..... what if. I do feel stupid and taken for a fool but I think its what has brought me to feel so strong today and it has only happened in last few days. I have been out with friends when I desperately wanted him back and always hated being in bars as it made my craving for H worse but I can honestly say Im going out on Saturday, putting on my glad rags on and praying that I dont have that feeling.......Ill keep you posted. Had a lovely night with DD and Ive started taking a photo of them every day so we can look back at how far the 3 of us have come. I think they sense that Im happier (might just be my imagination as I have always tried to give them the impression I was) but you know they are smarter than we think. My 7 year old cried at bed time that she missed H but I am wondering whether she is playing on this now to come in my bed, Im not being too hard on her as she is very sensitive but will keep my eye on it and maybe stop feeling guilty about H leaving and be a little bit tougher........what do you think? I am a big softy and although they dont get away with too much Im not as strict as I would be if H was here. Ive needed them as much as they needed me but its time to show them that we are all going to be just fine xxxxxxxxxx

gosh, BH, that last post from you must have caught me at a funny moment, because I just had a little sob after reading it

just one, mind

you are going to be fine and I think it's lovey you have supported each other (and will continue to do so)

time for "in control mummy" now though ?

You're doing brilliantly. Yuck, he is exactly as I suspected - one of those men whose interest is only renewed when he thinks he's got a rival.

Keep detaching - with any luck he will drive himself insane. In fact, he'll probably start blaming the latest OW for his malady, because remember nothing is his responsibility.

Just sit back, watch him destroy yet another relationship, her learning a valuable life lesson - and enjoy your night out.

Incidentally, people aren't lucky if they make and keep great friends. It's a testament to you that you have.

WWIFN has now caught me... brought tears to my eyes now... or could be a bit of dust

Friends are the miracle of life, I can tell you that not a day goes past I don't thank my lucky stars for the friends I have these days.

Any one of them is worth a million of the 'H' I have.

< passes HerHissyNess a tissue >

for the dust in her eye

Cheers love!

Hey you! Not managed to read the whole thread - but I will tomorrow. Just want to say to OPs...this lady is a beautiful, funny, wonderful person who touched my life when I met her - and I can't for one moment think why she doesn't have some fantastic bloke who is just worshiping the ground she walks upon.

It's hard to visualise other mumsnetters but I can tell you - this lady is amazing. And strong, and will get through it.

we can see it, kate

Hi Any you'll always be anyfuckerforamince pie in my eyes :)

Thanks Kate and same goes for you honey - you inspired me

Having bad day, feel sad. Had loads of messages AGAIN from H, responded as he was blaming me, i need to change phone and see a solicitor SOON x

Hi BH.
Just read your thread and you are an amazing woman. Such strength and optimism. Sorry you're having a bad day. Sounds to me like your H is manipulating you to get a reaction. Try not to rise to his childish behaviour - that's what he wants. What have you said to him re: solicitor?

Hello RRL I havent mentioned solicitor to him. I have been ignoring him but this morning I was weak and responded. He said he is missing his family and cant get past us, he wants to (even though he is living with OW) and works with her see's her 24/7. He asked me if I hated him said he wants me to hate him, its my fault it didnt work out because I made it too easy for him. I know I let myself down AGAIN today I just want him to leave me alone, so im changing my number. I will see Solicitor and just move forward but I havent mentioned this to him at all x

Hi BH. Sorry to be blunt but would you really want to be with someone who treats you in this way? You have said you responded to him today but what did you say to him?

Good woman - change your number - detach from this drama.

He's made his bed, literally and now he can fucking lie in it.

You are a strong woman - not a bloody yo yo he thinks he can bounce around when he wants to.

He's yanking your chain - he knows what to say to get a reaction from you.

Don't give him the satisfaction.

Him being a dickwipe was NOT your fault. His choice, ALWAYS.

I'll be on later - keep strong hun :)

please stop engaging with him

you will never "convince" him he has done wrong...he has to blame you to feel better about himself

stop listening to him...no good can come of it

you are allowed a weak moment...but no more

it doesn't matter if he thinks you are to blame...are you supposed to accept the ravings of a selfish fucker like this ?

no

Hi RRL - He was saying that he is crazy and he said I was manipulating him when I sent a text before christmas saying that I still loved him and wanted to also work at our marriage (in response to his ramblings that he missed us, still loved me and wanted to work at marriage) - I was basically trying to understand where he was coming from because he simply didnt make sense. I was firm and said its over move on and he said he needed me to hate him because he felt he could walk all over me when he came back. No more though I said that time has come I do hate you. I dont want to be playing games I want to be left alone but every time I get away with ignoring him, he winds me up and pulls me back in. Its me that ends upset because I ended up calling him a nob and I hate name calling and also dont want to remember the father of my DC as a nob (although he is ha). Its like its a big game to him. Sorry ladies just a bad day but thank you, all of you, you really do keep me strong. Thanks Kate and AF, he is having DC tonight so I will not engage, I promise!

So difficult for you BH but you are doing really well. I know how difficult it is not to respond, I've been there but believe me it is worth it in the long run and you will be better off without this childish man.

I've also been there - not too long ago either...on the phone weeping at midnight, begging him back - wanting to know what I did wrong.

It is such early days for you - and because he came back over Christmas it makes it even worse.

You'll get there - we all have days like this.

Good grief, this utter wanker is manipulative. It's your fault that he could walk all over you?

The very best way of detaching from him is to confine all your interactions to issues relating to the DCs and division of assets/divorce, once you have seen a solicitor. If he tries to engage you in any conversations about your relationship, or his with the OW, end the conversation. Just say clearly and calmly "I don't want to hear about that. Our couple relationship is over." If you can get to a situation where most of your interactions are via E mail, all the better.

He doesn't want or need you to hate him. He needs and wants you to take erroneous responsibility for his behaviour. If there's any grim satisfaction, he will be doing precisely the same to the OW, once he realises he can manipulate you no longer. He will start blaming her for the mess he has made of his life. It sounds like she is young and stupid, so she won't realise this at all.

Like I said downthread, she will learn a valuable and painful life lesson in all this and will hopefully think twice, about getting involved with a MM and colluding in his blame towards his wife and family. Before that, she's going to go through a lot of pain and grief with this knob-end.

Treat the texting as if he were a stalker.

A stalker will ring/text as many times as they need to, to get a reply. This twat will text you and try to wind you up using every heartstring and method in the book until you respond/rise to it.

Bit like sleep training, the baby will use ALL their available cries to get attention.

That is what this bloke is doing.

So, like a stalker, if you answer his calls/texts after 10, 15 or 20 calls/texts, he will know that he has to make 10, 15 or 20 calls/texts to get you to answer/respond.

Switch the bloody phone OFF, unplug the home phone as an interim measure.

Then change your number, or get another phone . Block him on the old number. your network can help with this hopefully!! Tell him to email you only ideally.

You are playing the long game here, to get him out of your life for good, and contact only for the DC.

just want to add my bit about not engaging with him. He will twist every thing you say and do to justify his version of reality.
Leave well alone, change that number and, however hard it gets...ignore.

I think this will get worse before it gets better after you have been to the solicitor and he really knows you are serious. Just be aware that he will bring everything to bare to try to get you back under his control again.

stay strong!

Well ladies after all your support felt really strong tonight. I dropped DC off and stood by the car whilst they ran to him and then shouted Ill pick them up at 7.30pm. Didnt engage with him at all, didnt even look at him, when I picked them up I said to DC Mommy doesnt have a phone Ive left it at my friends so Daddy will call you on his (it was the truth although I found it later at the bottom of my "Mom" bag) but thankful of the peace I will get for next couple of days. Thanks ladies........I nice peaceful few days, a night out on Saturday oooooh life looks good again tonight, hope it lasts xxxxxxx

It will last, cos you won't allow him to dictate otherwise!

stay strong!!