Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Right. First one here under real name... go easy please.

40 replies

JarethTheGoblinKing · 01/01/2011 02:04

I'm not sure I want to do this..

We were watching a film tonight, normal, fine. DP is stressed and depressed at the moment (he often is) and I remarked on the squealing rowdy teenagers behind our house. He rolled his eyes, made the V sign at me (behind his arm) told me I was being stupid.

I called him on it, like I always do. It sounds enormously petty compared to some of the stories I've read in this topic, but the way he talks to me riles me.

If he's shitty with me, he denies it. If he does something derogatory towards me, he denies it. Its weird, I'm not sure it's a control thing, but he can't admit it when he's done something shite that he shouldn't have.

gah, rambling... sorry

OP posts:
TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 01/01/2011 02:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzabadger · 01/01/2011 02:10

His behaviour indicates contempt for you. What are you getting out of the relationship?

madhattershouse · 01/01/2011 02:11

Why are so many dp's like this?? I know mine is! They say vile things and then wonder why you are pissed off Shock! You have my total understanding...they are just wired up wrong in some cases.

Original poster
JarethTheGoblinKing · 01/01/2011 02:12

I immediately called him on it. I SAW what he did, I saw the expression on his face, but he flat out denied it.

It's a relatively small thing I suppose, but it's the lack of respect that bothers me. I dn't let him get away with it, far from it, but it's somehow MY fault if I dare question what he's doing.

Tonight he blamed it on me being pissed (I wasn't - he'd had roughly twice the units I've had)

Brandy, thank you.. You'd be surprised what gets noticed at 2am on this place ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
JarethTheGoblinKing · 01/01/2011 02:15

He is very caring generally. He says he'd do anything for me and DS. (and I know hewould)

Trouble is, this doesn't extend to day-to-day normals, patience with a 3yo, conversations in the evening etc.

It's a tough time atm, his job is awful, he's stressed and overworked. I wish there was a way of convincing him to stop taking out on me and DS. :(

OP posts:
TDada · 01/01/2011 02:17

there is obviously more going on in your relationhip. Not a nice way to start the NY. How about saying to him that yu want to wipe the slate clean by showing each other mutual respect.

Original poster
JarethTheGoblinKing · 01/01/2011 02:21

ah, I've tried. It's not a drunken thing either... it's a general lack of respect.

Actually, it's not as simple as that/. He thinks he can lock himself away in his little world, go and hide away in his office upstairs (he works from home) and not have to deal with real life.

his job IS enormously stressful, he does work very very long hours, weekends, etc. he finds it incredibly difficult to leave that all behind.

Then he finds it impossible to admit that he's actually treating me like shit for the few evenings we do have together, and denies all knowledge and blames it on me being pissed Hmm
(for info I'd had a can of beer and a bottle of cider - hardly shit-faced Hmm)

OP posts:
madhattershouse · 01/01/2011 02:28

Oh ..the you are drunk reason! Mine has a good line in that to. If we row he blames it on the drink (he's recently teetotal) and it's never him being in the wrong! Work is NO excuse...he is treating you badly BUT changing his perception will not be easy. Can you accept him the way he is and just try to ignore his rudeness? If not you may have to consider your future, I know I am.

Original poster
JarethTheGoblinKing · 01/01/2011 02:31

gah.. I just find it all so sad, and so infuriating! I wish he could just leave his stress at work and focus on us instead of being so miserable when he gets home.

I HAVE depression. I know what it's like. I battle with it constantly, make sure I take my meds etc. I have to fight it or I'd be a blubbering mess on the sofa and DS would be permanently attached to CBeebies.

DP seems to think he has the luxury of wallowing. Fine. Sometimes. Not fucking constantly. :(
I need some bloody support too, especially with a stroppy, strong-willed 3yo :)

OP posts:
madhattershouse · 01/01/2011 02:37

Dp's seem to have the godgiven right to whinge. We have to just get on with it but they can be poorly/depressed/stressed..or all 3, but if we moan we are in the wrong! Seems some are just built that way..maybe we are made of stronger stuff despite being female Wink. I have no words of wisdom, simply sympathy, for we both seem to have dp's who are lacking in the interpersonal skills that should be a given within a relationship!

Original poster
JarethTheGoblinKing · 01/01/2011 02:51

I think it's all relative. The worst thing most men have to go through is a particularly nasty gastric bug, or a man-cold.

The worst thing women have to go through is 9mo of pregnancy (yes I know some women have it easy, I bloody didn't), feeling totally exhausted, and then being expected to squeeze a person out of their body Hmm

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 01/01/2011 02:52

There is a strong element of discounting your perceptions and your feelings here when he denies what he has done. And taking things out on you and the children is not one bit ok.

Tell him he's welcome home in the evening only if his baggage is dumped somewhere on the way from work, that home is your home too and you won't be his emotional punchbag there.

Could he have about half an hour to himself when he comes home to unwind and then make a huge effort to throw himself into the spirit of being nice to his family? Half an hour where no-one approaches him with the problems of the day, or even talks to him, and he can wallow and feel sorry for himself if that's what he needs, but with the understanding that when that half hour is up he has to behave like a grown up...

Your relationship cannot afford the luxury he is allowing himself.

Original poster
JarethTheGoblinKing · 01/01/2011 02:54

"Your relationship cannot afford the luxury he is allowing himself."

mathanxiety - that phrase in particular will stay with me.

He can't unwind when home from work, he's usually on call, so the second he gets in (at around 7pm ish) he has to do more work.... he does have a SHIT job :(

OP posts:
madhattershouse · 01/01/2011 02:56

Ha! You may be right there...I have 4 kids and the worst he had of complain about was the state of my dinner that HE ate as I was too far gone in labour to eat it!! I fear it may be genetic as my younger boy does a great line in man-flu and he's only 5 Grin. Going to go to bed now, hope the new year hails a new era for our respective dp's ( doubt it though).Smile

PenguinArmy · 01/01/2011 03:07

I have a pretty stressful job and I'm struggling atm, but I would never be offensive to DH just for the sake of it (he's a SAHD to 10 month DD). I'm sometimes a bit snappy, but more how I say stuff rather than what I say.

Original poster
JarethTheGoblinKing · 01/01/2011 03:18

I;m just fucking sick of it..

OP posts:
PenguinArmy · 01/01/2011 03:28

of course you are :(

two wrongs don't make a right. It's not on. Is he taking any responsibility for his life?

I have to go for an hour, but I'll be back.

Flightattendant29 · 01/01/2011 08:15

Jareth forgive me but why are you not thinking of leaving this relationship? It sound excruciating.

Would it not be better to be on your own than with this arsehole?

TDada · 01/01/2011 08:28

JarethTheG- do you work as well? I am wondering why DH thinks he has sole rights to being unhappy and miserable cos of his job?

Lots of DPs have very stressful jobs; I have one as well but I avoid V-signs to partner.

spidookly · 01/01/2011 08:35

He is making rude signs at you behind his arm? Like a bold teenager at school?

How sexy.

I'm really struggling to get my head around that. It's disrespectful of you, but so much more - what kind of relationship does he think he has with you?

What he's done would be embarrassing if he were a teenager and you were his teacher. It is the kind of lame-ass reaction a teacher just roll eyes at because it concedes that the person doing the action has nothing to say of any substance but thinks, erroneously, that making half-hidden rude gestures is some kind of rebellion.

For an adult man to do it to his partner just boggles the mind.

TiraMissYou · 01/01/2011 09:01

I totally agree with Spidookly's post, who has just very eloquently described my reaction to your OP.

I'm so sorry Jareth, clearly there is so much more to this that you have to deal with.

Sending you and your DS good vibes for this new year.

FanjoForTheMincePies · 01/01/2011 09:31

My DH sometimes does this, he will say something awful then totally deny saying it for ages, even though I was right there when he said it, it is very strange.

FanjoForTheMincePies · 01/01/2011 09:32

He also does the rude gestures too.

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 01/01/2011 09:39

My ex used to do the deny-deny-deny thing until I was exhausted arguing that I had seen or heard him do whatever it was. He was often let away with shitty behaviour as the energy required to go through the denials was often too much for me.
It sounds crap Jareth, I'm sorry. Is there any hope that a career change could happen? Would that begin to fix things do you think?

Extremelychocolatey · 01/01/2011 09:43

Can't help feeling some sympathy for your DP. He hates his job and works long, stressful hours to provide for his family. Then during the rare downtime he has, you seem to nag him and "call him" on every single thing he does that annoys you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread