Have taken my wedding ring off, please help me!

[cba]

I dont post often, usually in time of difficulty, but I am on each day reading.

My dh had an affair which I found about a few years ago, the affair lasted almost three years. I took him back and said never again. Things seemed fine for a while, I fell pregnant with child number four. dh has always worked away and has often nagged me to live in london I have always said no as he has never been the most supportive, i have been bullied by his alocholic mother for twelve years then his affair. His mother blamed me for his affair.

Anyway, in september after being away "working" for three weeks he came home but went straight out to the pub. I phoned him and said unless he came home to see me and his four children he could stay in a hotel. He came home and started quizing why he never came home on a weekend and the fact that I am alone with our four children all the time. He confessed to another affair. I was heartbroken again and threw him out. It was ds1 10th birthday a week or two later so I allowed him back into the house. He said the relationship had finished and it would never happen again.

Two days ago I found a receipt from the end of November for a famous london department store for £600.00 paid for by his card with her reward card details on. I went upstairs and said who is "sally" (not real name). He nearly choked. He tried to fob me off with every excuse till he did confess that he was still in contact with her. But it was now finished.

I told him I do not believe him and I no longer want to be married to him. I am heartbroken and hurt but cannot allow him to do it again, I think he will. This affair has been going on for fourteen months, the exact same age as our baby.

We have four children ds1 10, ds2 8, dd 5 and ds3 14 months. How do I handle it with the children, what do I tell them, they will be hearbroken. Please help me

cba, have no advice, just want to offer support. I found out my H was having an affair in August and have 3 DCs. Telling them was the thing I dreaded most but it wasnt as bad as I thought. Take care.

oh you poor thing.

fwiw, I think you are doing the right thing. He is never going to stop betraying you - how many chances can you give someone?

The children will adjust. You don't need to go into reasons. You must not allow him to try to make you the bad guy though! as in mum doesn't want to be married to me, etc. Warn him that if he tries to pull that shit you will tell the children everything he has done. (just to ensure that he doesn't try it, not to actually do it)

You just need the usual "we both love you very much but we are not going to be together any more."

It will be difficult, but not as difficult as the soul destroying relationship you are in with a man who sticks his cock in every passing female.

You deserve more than this life.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. That is devastating. Others will come and advise you, I don't have experience of this so I can't say very much to help.

All I'd say is I am the biggest chamption of working things out when kids are in the equation, but he doesn't sound much of a father or a husband. I mean what boxes does he actually tick? He's not around, he chooses other women and pubs over his children, he has no respect for you, their mum.

Hang on in there, am thinking of you.

Champion not chamption (wine).

I agree you need help with how to deal with telling the children, I hope someone with specific experience of this will advise you tonight.

thank you happy. I was talking to my ten year old today. He had read a newspaper article on divorce and a man cheating on his wife. I asked him what he thought, ds1 said it was wrong of the man. I asked him if he thought it was wrong for them to divorce and he said no.

I have talked to dh and we have decided to work together as just mum and dad, but I have taken my wedding ring off and told him no way am I being married to him. When the kids break up for holidays in July we will tell them. That way we can say we have not been together as a couple since January and you guys have not felt it. He works away alot so they will not notice much difference.

Already he has been saying can we work through it and I have told him no, he can not keep it in his trousers.

I think you should definitely not pretend all is ok until July when you have split up! If they notice they will be worried but feel like they can't talk to you and if they don't notice when you eventually tell them they will feel like they can't trust you!

Splitting up is hard when you have children but once you have made a decision, a definite one, you need to tell them what it is. Part of what hurts when your partner has an affair is the secrecy, children can be really hurt by secrecy too. It is hard because it feels like you have failed them but it must be done - keeping secrets doesn't alter reality it just delays the inevitable and forces people to live a lie.

I would not wait until July, you have made a decision to end the marriage [completely understandable]. I would consider dissolving it ASAP.
Agreed with Curiousnamechange, be honest about split with DCs as soon as decision has been decided. Look what DHs secrets have done to your family already.
If you even remotely thinking of working this out with DH, my advice is he will continuing cheating on you, how many times is acceptable?
Poor love, I really feel for you and your DCs
Finish it, and start living your life again

These next 7m are going to be the longest of your life, you do know that?

Is there any chance your DS was trying to open the subject of what the hell is going on in your lives WITH YOU?

Don't rule out telling them before, and tbh, my feeling is that your H needs to make himself scarce sooner rather than later.

If it were me I'd not be able to look at him.

FWIW, My 'H' is leaving in February, it's been a few months coming and if it weren't for the fact that he was leaving the country, he'd have been living elsewhere a darn sight sooner. He is not cheating on me though, he just abused me. For years. Not any more though.

You are going to have to take things a little more fluidly than this, you need to get a Plan B: He goes a lot sooner Plan in preparation.

Don't drag this out until July. There is no hope for this marriage so just end it as cleanly and peaceably as you can.

You have an exciting life waiting for you without this waste of oxygen dragging you down. Go and start living it.

Don't drag this out until July.

Tell your DH that he has to tell your DC the truth and he has to move out. Now.

You are practically a single parent as it is so I doubt that him moving out will make much difference to you.

You would be so much better to make a clean break now and tell the children the truth as kids do pick up on things.

Are you OK financially if he does move out?

Really KICK HIS BUTT out the door and move on without him.

cba - there is cheating and then there is disrespect. You are experiencing both....I mean it doesn't sound as though he cares or understands how much hurt this has caused you?

Taking time to unwind the relationship might be a smart thing if you use the time to prepare yourself financially, legally and emotionally. So play it smart.

My dad had quite a few affairs. We worked it out quite young and insulated ourselves emotionally. I am still close to him but I am quite independent and have been since 17+.

best wishes

thanks ladies. It is so hard to deal with, I have very strong religous beliefs relating to marriage. I have told my mum what has been happening and she understands completely.

Things got a bit our of hand today. The children were with my mum for a few hours. He started saying it was my fault. The years of hurt and fustration just boiled over and as he left the bathroom I threw a brush at the back of his head. He then started laughing at me provoking me saying it was my fault.

I am not proud of what I did, but I punched him in the face. I have not done this ever in my life but he just pushed too far. He was very shocked but said straight away he deserved it.

I have been too forgiving in the past. I have told him I will build a friendship for the sake of the children but that will be it. We also have business interest together which I cannot dissolve. We have been out as a family and the children really enjoyed themselves as did I,if I am honest.

But, I cannot accept him as my husband and I have taken my ring off. How we deal with the children I am not sure yet. I am going to get them back to school next week and take a little quiet time to think.

I never thought my life would end up such a mess I am so devastated.

TDada, did your mum and dad stay together? How old were you when you worked things out? Did you have siblings, what age were they and did you discuss things?

Sorry for all the questions but I really do not want to inflict pain on them, I would rather have a miserable life than them be unhappy.

It is not your fault. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I totally agree with the posters saying don't wait until July to end things. I am thinking of you. New year, new start. x

Just sending you some support. and encouraging you to get some good support in the form of a counselor and perhaps some legal advice too.

You can do this :) Take care, you deserve so much more

i have experience of this.6yrs ago after being with dh for 18 yrs and 4 dcs i found out he was cheating and had been for around 6 months.I had ds 19,17 and 12 and dd 8 months.I was utterly devastated.I was in a job that involved shift work,had a big mortgage and had absolutely no idea how i would cope.First reaction was to kick him out.I was in a really bad way,lost 2 stone couldnt eat or sleep and smoked and drank every evening to blot it all out.He wasnt even that remorsefull and i had to see him as he needed to have the kids whilst i worked(he had a failing business)he would stay over in my bed and was probably speaking to her on the pnone from it.
My friends were really good but after a few weeks he said he wanted to come back.I was pleased but doubtfull and we made avague attempt to work it out.Ds 3 and dd didnt even know he had gone cos he was never there unless i was working anyway.
I felt shit taking him back and quickly realised it was a massive mistake as i felt he would do it again and that i needed to aways look my best,have lots of sex etc.i also could tell his heart wasnt in it.he booked a holiday to spain for us.Within days i realised i couldnt live like that and that i would always be scared hed cheat again.I weighed upthe pros and cons and felt that if we stayed together i had to face a mindfield of self doubt and pain but if we split up i just had to get over him.Easy choice for me.
I wont harp on but if you want a bit more detail about how to cope after im your woman.You will have a ball without this awafull feeling of hurt.

cba - sorry only just seen your response/questions. My mom stayed with my dad; principally cos he was a good dad whilst being a bad husband. He is also charming which i guess played a part.

I had many siblings and our age range was from about 2 years old to 14yrs old. I think I was about 8 when I worked it out. I think that is roughly the age, give or take, when most of us dealt with it emotionally.

Parents sometimes argued and that made us sad and sometimes worried. We didn't want them to break up- if they did it would have had a massive blow on our schooling and standard of living - parents ensured that we had best possible schooling in the circumstances.

I think that my eldest brother has the weakest reationship with my dad as he probably knew the most. Other siblings are very affectionate to my dad. We all recognise sacrifice that my mom made. I think that she has some regrets and some hidden bittnerness but she still has some love for my dad.....

....not sure if this is helpful to you as I think my mom's generation dealt with affairs in a different way. ...I just wanted to answer your questions

TDada, thank you so much. You have hit the nail on the head, "your moms generation dealt with affairs differently", he is in prinicpal a good dad and adores his children. Even though he has been an utter bastard.

I think my eldest son has an inkling. He asked me yesterday if I loved daddy. I said yes and asked why he asked the question. ds1 said because he was mean to me.

I do not want their schooling and life to be turned upside down. My dh is also very charming, probably alot like your dad.

What is the relationship like between your mom and dad now?

I dont have any advice as such,but as it appears your husband has not been presant for a good deal of your time together,you dont need to tell your children anything straight away. Your relationship with your children is one thing and that with your oldman,or lack of, something else.
You may be surprised , as the children are used to their father being abscent they may not be as upset as you imagine.
I am speaking as someone who`s oldman was rarely presant in the physical sense until he gradually ceased to be there at all.
I can understand your hurt and sense of detrayal but by continuing to focus on him you are elevating him to a stutus of importance that is no longer relevant.

I don't have any advice, but have a close family member who has been thru similar. I agree with others, 7 months is a long time and if your eldest DS is already telling you that daddy is mean to you, then they are aware of the problems in your relationship, and he must be thinking about things. If you can coem to an agreement now about finances, access etc then see if you can give him a short timescale and ask him to go by this date. Your children are being affected by this already, and will be fine with him moving out out, if they can see you are OK. Don't put yourself under extra pressure to keep a united front for the kids, especially as you are already at loggerheads. You have been through enough. Wishing you luck.

So sorry this has happened to you. I have been through finding out my H had an affair from when my youngest was 1.

It is important to establish your financial and legal situation as others said.

And sorry you should also get to a STD clinic and be checked. They often dont use condoms when they have affairs and you need to protect your health.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

If you have decided to legally separate / divorce on the basis of his adultery I think you need to start legal proceedings within a certain time, otherwise I believe you are deemed to have accepted it. You need to control yourself regarding the violence as otherwise you could find him divorcing you for unreasonable behaviour.

yes i know ladylapsang. it was totally out of character on my part he just pushed too far. I am alot calmer now.

Although he is saying he does not want to throw thriteen years away. A bit late for that. I really do not want him. He said he went elsewhere because he thought I was not in love in with and did not give him the affection he needed and did not want to hurt me by telling me.

So will hurt me by having multiple affairs. The thing that makes the last one worse is that when I asked him if he told her he was going to me leave me, he would not give me a straight answer.

I also think he is starting to shit himself as I have told him he needs to tell his parents. His father told him after the last affair that he would cut him out of everything. His mother is a alcoholic and toublemaker. I have told him I will not enter any talks with his mother about this at all. She blamed me the last time he had an affair.

I think he only wants to try and make a go of it so he parents dont know. But I feel as though he has deceived everyone and they are family and have a right to know