Have taken my wedding ring off, please help me!

[cba]

I dont post often, usually in time of difficulty, but I am on each day reading.

My dh had an affair which I found about a few years ago, the affair lasted almost three years. I took him back and said never again. Things seemed fine for a while, I fell pregnant with child number four. dh has always worked away and has often nagged me to live in london I have always said no as he has never been the most supportive, i have been bullied by his alocholic mother for twelve years then his affair. His mother blamed me for his affair.

Anyway, in september after being away "working" for three weeks he came home but went straight out to the pub. I phoned him and said unless he came home to see me and his four children he could stay in a hotel. He came home and started quizing why he never came home on a weekend and the fact that I am alone with our four children all the time. He confessed to another affair. I was heartbroken again and threw him out. It was ds1 10th birthday a week or two later so I allowed him back into the house. He said the relationship had finished and it would never happen again.

Two days ago I found a receipt from the end of November for a famous london department store for £600.00 paid for by his card with her reward card details on. I went upstairs and said who is "sally" (not real name). He nearly choked. He tried to fob me off with every excuse till he did confess that he was still in contact with her. But it was now finished.

I told him I do not believe him and I no longer want to be married to him. I am heartbroken and hurt but cannot allow him to do it again, I think he will. This affair has been going on for fourteen months, the exact same age as our baby.

We have four children ds1 10, ds2 8, dd 5 and ds3 14 months. How do I handle it with the children, what do I tell them, they will be hearbroken. Please help me

Thank you so much, sandsad for your honesty, I do hope you stop the self loathing, you have given me great inspiration and I will contact you if that ok.

WWIFN, thank you for looking at my old threads, sometimes I wonder if I imagining everything that has happened in our time together.

We went out for ds2 birthday and he actually asked me for a kiss and cuddle. I very quietly said it was not appropriate in the circumstances. It was ds2 birthday and the parents of the all the children are very nice people.

One of the mums gave me a lovely complement and said she has never come across someone so organised and lovely, that despite having four children they are always on time for school, look smart, I always look nice and above all I am always there to help people. It made me feel good for a few short moments. He actually looked suprised at her comments.

I am at a loss at the moment on where to go from here. I feel as though I have hit a brick wall. He is out at the moment. When he gets back I am going to say I want the whole truth, he must tell his parents, if he doest not by the end of the week I will. I have also decided to go to relate or a counsellor to help me through my emotions, I just feel it is too complex for me to deal with by myself.

My wedding ring is still off and will remain so. Nobody has even asked to be honest, which I am quite surprised about.

I dont think a physciatrist (sp) could touch the side with my husband.

I cannot thank you all enough.

sandsad I am really saddened that what I feared has happened and that your mental health has deteriorated so rapidly. It's not too late to get help and take control you know and rid yourself of this man. Don't let him take any more of your life from you .

cba why don't you re-read your old threads too? I was interested in you saying that you sometimes wonder whether you've imagined all this, in which case they will make sobering reading. I certainly winced when I read what you have been putting up with for years.

I don't think he'll tell you the whole truth now, any more than he has ever told you the whole truth. It might help you, before you see the counsellor, to sit down and write a chronology of every time he has reduced your marriage. There are the numerous infidelities (or those that you know about) of course, but also the verbal abuse, the financial abuse, the bullying from your MIL that he has colluded with.

I think at the heart of this is that he doesn't like women; he doesn't respect them and he certainly doesn't respect you.

Try to project a life when you will no longer be second-guessing who he's texting or sleeping with now. A life without that worry would be so liberating.

You seem to be placing disproportionate significance on the removal of your wedding ring. Why is that exactly? All the while he is still living with you and you haven't separated, it means nothing.

Where did you learn that a woman and mother must save her marriage at all costs, regardless of her H's behaviour?

What it is that you need, to give yourself permission to walk away from this relationship?

Sandsad - I stayed with my H for about 5 years after I knew that it had ended and it was the most soul destroying time. I felt I was constantly battling against depression and anxiety and also worried about how I'd cope on my own.
I left just over a year ago now and guess what? Most of the depression and anxiety just disappeared almost instantly. It was the relationship that caused them. It was really hard to see that while I was still there altho people kept telling me. I think the turning point for me was when I saw a counsellor. It just helped me to pin down my own take on everything that had happened and after a few months I started to be able to look forward and plan my move out.
Hope this helps a bit.

whenwill, you are right in what you saying. The problem with me is that I always see the good in people, it can be my downfall.

Things of what he says I can see an element of truth, but does not condone what he has done.

I am just so confused. Deep down I really want my marriage to work, but I know for a long time it hasnt. I keep asking myself do I want to be in a relationship with someone who constantly needs affirmation that I am being attentive. To me that is like having another child.

As a seperate issue, I do believe we live separate lives since his first affair and that we maybe should have gone to counselling then. Part of me thinks to get some counselling for me then I will be in a stronger emotional and mental position to make decisions for me with a balanced perspective, does that make sense?

Complete sense cba.

cba - We sound very alike. I have 4 dc, eldest is 8. My ExH left me a year ago, i was very pregnant with dc4. He cheated on me several times in our marriage, the last one throughout 6 months of my pregnancy with a girl still in her teens. I removed my wedding ring as soon as i found out about the last time.

I too place so much faith in wedding vows, the symbolity of the ring/s. I used to feel like i should put up with his behaviour, as i felt being in a marriage was more beneficial than not being in one. I was wrong. I wanted to suceed, but marriage isn't an exam - it doesn't just rely on me and my work and input to it.

I've been alone for a year now. I don't have to have someone walk over me, lie to my (pregnant iyswim) face, spend money, time and effort on everyone but me.

I used to be so scared. My Mum said to me 'You're not scared of living today, are you? So don't be afraid of tomorrow'.

You can do it. You get one life, it's not a rehearsal, no-one is going to reward you at the end for putting up with his behaviour.

That's just how I used to think - I don't want to fail at marriage, I made vows!
BUT you can't do it on your own.
And cba you have already faced up to the fact that your H is not going to change, so unless you want to get more of the same (and it will probably escalate further) plus bring up your children with his and your example in front of them every day, you have got to start planning what you are going to do.
FWIW my advice: first step see a solicitor and a counsellor.
With him away so much it would be easy to pack his bags take them to his father's and change the locks. With 4 DCs you should not even contemplate being the one to leave IMHO.

cba I think you are stuck in that difficult position of believing some myths about infidelity, many of which get peddled in society and just like you, your H is clinging on to them as an excuse for his behaviour.

You could have been giving him undivided attention and performing sexual gymnastics and he would still have been unfaithful. Please don't believe otherwise. You cannot prevent infidelity.

So although you are right that you don't want a future whereby you've got an adult child on your hands who will go AWOL if you don't pay him enough attention, even if you did, he would still do this. This has got nothing to do with you or your marriage.

The only time in the future that this man will stay faithful is when he runs out of opportunities. By that time, so might you. What you will be faced with then is a man who is faithful out of necessity, but he will be even more disrespectful, contemptuous and nasty, because he is unable to get his fix of illicit sex and romance.

What is stopping you asking him to move out while you have your counselling? All the while he is there and you are keeping this a secret from the DCs and others, you run the risk of believing his lies and caving in yet again.

Can you reverse this for a moment? If you had been unfaithful umpteen times and your H kept forgiving you, would you respect him? If you had squandered huge amounts of money over the years on various other men, would your H forgive you?

Why is it different for you?

WWIFN, great words of wisdom indeed.

And from Blu as well.

cba, you deserve so much more than this, and your children, too.

hi love,i posted earlier about my experience and have just had aread thru.Someone spoke about having stayed for 5 yrs when she knew it was over,i stayed for a couple of weeks and flet many things-relief that we things were going to carry on as normal therefore i didnt have to face "changes" then there was self doubt,fear it would happen again,loss of respect from friends and older dc's,uncertainty that i would ever be able to trust him again therefore spend my whole life unhappy,they were just some of them.My deciding moment was after a night shift i stopped to put make up on so id look pretty for him when i got home WTF? i knew then i couldnt do it and drove home and asked him to go.I found the break up easier to cope with than staying with a man who could cheat on me after i gave him 4 kids and had watched me go thru breast cancer at 26 involving mastectomy and my hair falling out.
I do think we patronise men and give them excuses and reasons that they cheated.They are not children and have as much controll over their sexual needs as we do,its the undercurrent of "men are different they think with their dicks" that gives so many men a sub concious permission to cheat on their families.

How are you, cba?

ledkr - your experience is inspirational. Best wishes

Hi,
I went through something similar cba. My ex told me 2 Christmases ago about LOADS of 'indiscretions' he'd had over the years, particularly when I had been pregnant/ just had a baby. I have 4 DC's also. He gets very funny at Xmas because I'm so busy sorting everything out (because he would never lift a finger) he feels neglected, so I think telling me then was a way to ensure some attention. Obviously I was upset/ furious but we'd been together since i was 19 and had 4 children together so I vowed to really try to make it work. I arranged a couple of counselling sessions but he couldn't make them because inevitably something would 'come up' at work. I said if he arranged counselling I'd make sure I could go anytime, but this never transpired.

The next year and a half were awful. He knew I was going to go eventually and tried to bully/ scare me into staying- locking me in/ out, punching holes in doors, coming into my room in the middle of the night and staring over me, one time he threw my bed across the room! All through this he was seeing other women, even asking me to go out of an evening so he could have one round! He also wanted an open relationship, both seeing other people but keeping up the facade of being a nice happy family. All through this time I put bits of money away and made plans, and built myself up for leaving.

I eventually moved out with the DC's Easter last year (he refused to go as it was HIS house. Its been difficult but I'm so proud of myself. DC's have taken it all in their strides and now see a lot more of Daddy than ever before. He's got this 'you can't stop me seeing my kids' attitude which has worked out well as I get a break for the first time ever and have even resumed old hobbies etc. My parents are furious with me (strict Catholics) and barely speak to me, none of his family speak to me, and you definitely find out who your friends are but I know I did the right thing for myself and my DC's. Apart from my close friends not one person has asked why I left, they just make their own assumption and people can be cruel. Comments have included 'oh, and we thought you were such a nice girl', 'had your uses out of him now have you?', 'i don't know how anyone could do that'...

I'm now with a lovely man who I absolutely adore, the complete opposite of my ex, and I regret not leaving before and letting myself be this happy before. But I got there eventually and life's just normal and happy :)