Custody of DS

[needtostaystrong]

After yet another row with DP, I have told him that I have had enough and want to split up. We have been here so often but he always talks me round or just acts as if nothing has happened and I always cave in. I dont know why as he doesn't seem any happier than me.

My biggest concern is DS who is 2 in Feb. he seems oblivious to everything at the moment but I can;t bear that he will grow up
thinking that this is a normal relationship.

For all his faults, DP is a good dad. Not always as patient or hands on as he could be but he adores DS and DS him. DP has always said to friends that if we ever split up he knows that I would never try and stop him seeing DS and he is absolutely right. Regardless of my feelings for DP, the only thing that matters to me is DS's happiness and I think it is very important that he has a good relationship with both his parents.

Just to give you a bit of background, DP and I are not married. We live in a house in my name so DP will be moving out. DP works time and I work three (short (9.30-3) days a week - my mum has DS two of these days and he goes to nursery 9-3 the other.

The thing is when every we have discussed this previously, DP always threatens or hints that he would fight me for custody. Or he says that he wants to have him 3 days one week and 4 the next.

I dont think this is practical for lots of reasons. Mainly because I think DS is too young to go 3 or 4 days without seeing either of us. I know I couldn't bear it either. It also isn't very practical as DP works full time - I think originally he thought we would just continue as we are with me/mum looking after DS during the day. I said that if he had shared care he ould be responsible for DS during the days when DS was with him (not sure this is correct?). He then said he would put DS in nursery for his days even a) though he wouldn't be able to afford it and (b) he has always said he doesn't want DS to go to nursery for full days.

I have thought about this a lot and I am going to suggest to him was that he has DS 3 nights a week - 2 set nights during the week and then alternate Fri night/Sat day and Sat night/ Sun day. During the day we will contine as we are with DS going to nursey 1 short day and me and mum having him the rest of the time. No maintenance to be paid but DP to pay 50% of the nursery costs.

DP has no savings so I would need to give him the money for a deposit and a couple of months rent on a flat nearby so he has somewhere to take DS (I know that he would want to stay nearby).

I know it sounds like a lot to-ing and frowing and this may need to be reviewed as DS gets older but at the moment I really think he would be fine with it. He is more than happy as long as he is with one of us (or my mum!).

I am going to go and see a solicitor in the new year but in the meantime I would be very grateful for opinions on the following questions:

1. Given the circumstances above, does it sound at all possible that DP would awarded sole custody? This is my biggest fear and if it was the case I would stay put rather than ever let this happen

2)Does my suggestion sound reasonble?

3. If we did end up going to court, what access would be be likely to be awarded?

Thanking you in advance

not unless you beat him or abuse him in anyway, unless you are an unfit mther and this has been documented

it is likely you will both be given 50/50 care and it will be up to each of you to arrange your childcare for teh days you have your ds and are working. if i were you i would try and negotiate shared care that suits your circumstances, through solicitors without going to court because the court will make an order that may bot be the best logistically so best to try as best you can now to agree 50/50 care so taht ds is in nursery as little as possible if that is what you both want. if you are both stubborn and not willing to negotiate and compromise then it will go to court.

btw, your suggestion sounds very good for ds. i hope your DP can see this and not get carried away with his 'rights' to his son.

Being as the theme today has been twatty man-children isn't it good he wants to do 50/50?

Also you're going to go 1 house 1 full-time 1 part time salary to 2 houses 1 full-time 1 part-time salary, can you carry on working part-time and run the house?

I assume you'd get the child benefit and tax credits?

He won't get full residency and court will be expensive and who knows the outcome. Minimum is usually every other weekend and one mid-week.

No nothing like that Custardo.

That is my concern ILoveIt, that out of principle he will insist on 50/50 even though this may not be in DS's best interests. What I am suggesting means he will have him 6 out of 14 sonly only 1 day less a fortnight than 50/50, but by having set days it means it much easier for me to plan work so that I can look after DS durin the day as much as possible. It seems madness that he would be awarded 50/50 if this means DS being put into nursery when he could be with his mum or nan.

Dittany - you are probably right about speaking to a solicitor first. It is obviously a very emotional subject for both of us so it would be better to know where I stand first.

I was probably being a little unfair when I said he is not has hands on as he could be. He does help with bathing, feeding etc, but he will often do as little as he can get away with! He also find it hard to 'play' with DS for very long without getting bored, but he loves taking him swiiming etc. And depsite all that I have no doubt that he adores DS.

Truckulent - yes you are right, it is good that he wants him 50/50. I would a miilion times prefer that thean him not being bothered about seeing him. I certainly dont think that I have anymore 'rights' to DS than him. But we also need to be practical and above all look at what is best for DS - as I said above it just seems pointless to insist on 50/50 if has to go into nursery on those days - he's not going to see him then anyway.

Things will be tight but I should be able to manage - I can increase my hours a little by working from home on the evenings I dont have DS. I also have some savings put by if the worst came to the worse.

I would not agree to him having the baby half of the time. I would agree to a Wednesday night stay and alternating Friday and Saturdays. I would agree to him having him for a couple of hours on a Sunday as long as it doesn't stop you going out for the day.

Anyone who says he's going to sue for custody is not your friend.

If you give him money for a deposit, that should be a loan, which he should repay within a time frame.

atswim, why would you not agree to 50/50 shared care (which is pretty much what OP is suggesting)

FWIW OP, i am a single parent and i consider myself a good one. i plan activities and take my dcs out, ensure tehy are stimulated etc but i find it hard to actually sit down and play a game with them. i too get bored very quickly with playing pretend, but i will happily do a craft or cooking or sorting activity, so his lack of interest in 'playing' doesn't make him less of a parent.

Do you mind me asking why you think 50/50 (or as near as possible) isn't a good idea atswimtwolengths? I would hate to only see DS on a wed and alternate fri/sat.

Realistically I dont think he would be in a position to pay it back - he is by his own admission rubbish with money.

ILoveIt - I take your point, and certainly dont think him less of a parent because of it.

Thanks for all the replies. I just feel so scared when I think about it all. Sometimes it just seems easier to stay put.

good. i just would hate for soemone to think i wasn't suc a good mum because of this. i am good at other things but sitting down playing games just isn't something i can pull off as though i am enjoying it. i try but ds knows i am bored and gets bored himself.

To me, 50/50 should be the default position. Then you move from that according the circumtnances. I am talking normal, non-abusive cases here by the way.

I'm a Dad and I do 50/50 and believe me it can be just as hard for the Dad not to see his children as much he wants. I think every other week-end would be a nightmare for either parent.

I agree completely Trukulent - that what I was trying to say above but didnt word it very well. I would hate one night a week plus alternate Fri/Sat nights, and I know DP would feel the same.

Do you mind me asking how 50/50 works for you?

Sorry, ILoveIt I meant to say that I most definately dont think that. I think what I was trying to explain is that DP hasn't had DS on his own that much, but when he does he sometimes finds it hard to entertain him (I dont just mean playing make believe, he hates crafts or playing with his toys with him etc). Although I know he would like to see a lot of DS, I'm not sure deep down that he woudl really want 50/50, but may feel out of principle or he should pursue this.

ah right, yes i see your point now. well you are happy to agree 50/50 and tbh i think he would be mad to pursue more. if it turns out that he is just throwing his weight about and is demanding 50/50 but thinking he wont get it then he will egt a bit of a shock. FWIW, i don't see any reason why he shouldn't do 50 % of the work involved in raising his son.

It was driven by the children and what they wanted.

We've be going it over 4 years and they are a bit older than your son the youngest would have been 6.

We had to put all the emotion of the separation to one side which is very difficult. We live near each other, they can leave clothes etc at each house. We're flexible on days so if a sleep over is arranged one parent doesn't get jealous about losing time.

It also means no one pays maintenance so there is no animosity there. Child benefit and tax credits are split 50/50. We sat down and worked out the expenses for the children and worked a way of splitting it 50/50.

When the DC are with their mum she parents how she sees fit and the same for me. As it happens one is here and one is at their mum's tonight.

Be amicable and what we said was what ever decision we make we have to be able to justify it to the children when they are older.

truckulent, your arrangement is what i consider the ideal arrangement. it's fantastic that you have all been able to put emotions out of teh equation. it is a very hard thing to do but well done for making it work.

Thanks you Truckulent - I think that is a great arrangement.

Thanks, It wasn't easy to start with as emotions were a bit high, but time passes and things calm down.

I've seen near as damn it 50-50 work with a couple of families but failed with another. Living close to each other seems to make a big difference. So does being able to keep communication going. Both parents had to change their work patterns to cover it too.

For young children particularly they will probably have spent more time with their mum. But they will also probably have seen their dad every day as well even if not for as long each day. When parents split up it's got to be hard for a child to go from seeing dad every day to going a week or more between seeing him at all.

I'm not saying that 50-50 always works or is always appropriate. It wouldn't work with my ex. It would be nice to have an ex who is interested enough for it to be possible though.

Need- It is your choice what you do, only you know your situation is and what is for the best. Good luck.

"To me, 50/50 should be the default position."

Me too, if the couple have been doing 50/50 childcare throughout the relationship.

Otherwise the default position should be that whoever has done most of the childcare, tailored their working hours to that etc., should get most of the custody. Unless of course, that childcare has been done so badly, that it is not in the best interests of the child to be in the care and control of that particular childcarer.

I'd also go and see a solicitor if I were you OP.

you have to do what you think is best primarily for your child and you, i have asked for advice on here about ex access and i am constantly criticised for limiting access but ultimately i know this is right for ds at the moment so do what you feel/know is best